In which family members interact.
Only in a life simulator, am I right?
Victor: A rich family, even. They never interact!
Victor: So, you don’t want to be my girlfriend?
Brooke: I don’t want to be a girlfriend. You have to respect that, if you don’t want to be a jerk.
Victor: I mean, I guess I am engaged to someone.
Brooke: You GUESS.
Victor: Time passes slowly around here, it’s hard to remember sometimes.
Brooke: Yeah, I don’t even remember how I became a character.
That’s for the best.
Victor: Did she become a character?
Victor: I DIDN’T MEAN TO EXPLODE YOU
I fucking hope it’s not like this.
What did I miss?
Andrea: Nick behaving badly.
Oh, I can picture that.
Uma: Then why DIDN’T you PICTURE it?
Uma: So hey, congrats on still getting romantic storylines! THAT must be nice.
Nick: Don’t put the word NICE near HER, she’ll CORRUPT it into NASTY.
Uma: What’s his problem?
Andrea: Sharpe genes, mostly.
Uma: What’s YOUR problem?!
Uma: What was THAT for?!
Andrea: Sucking up some of the male attention in this house! It’s a rare resource, and I CALLED DIBS!
Y’know, I’m surprised certain tacky rich people in the real world never considered getting boy-toys with golden hair.
William: I hate to say it, but… I think I am getting old.
William: Being excited to have a haunted house should be a good thing, but it’s starting to feel like it might be a fatal thing instead.
William: …at least it’s a considerate haunting.
William: I’m also not sure how I feel about wanting to fuck my house.
William: I want to fuck my house.
Andrea: CAN you fuck the house?
William: It’s haunted.
Victor: You can fuck haunted houses! I learn a new thing every day, and I’m never glad I did.
Andrea: Has anyone else experienced hauntings, or is it just the old dude?
Victor: I’ve noticed mysterious smells coming out of our bathroom…
Nick: Oh, that’s me. I eat too many spicy chips.
Uma: Senility takes us all, in the end.
Nick: Personally I plan on being taken by a giant, man-eating sea-beast.
Uma: YOU’RE old. Have YOU seen any ghosts?
Penny: I’ve seen teenagers just begging to become ghosts…
William: She’s not a GHOST. She’s a secret agent. Abigail accidentally made her incorporeal, and now she can walk through walls. She died a while back, but now she’s… back, and I think she needs me to help pry her out of the walls.
Andrea: So, guys. We put him in a home, right, or what?
William Jr.: How indeed.
Victor: Cool kids wash their hands like LIBERACE.
Andrea: I can’t believe there’s a wall ghost.
Nick: It makes sense. If William was gonna have a supernatural encounter, it would HAVE to be a sexy one.
Penny: Well, too bad, because I’m his sexy one.
Penny: Please don’t fuck the wall ghost.
William: How can I refuse such a unique request?
William: Good call, by the way, sticking with that dress.
Penny: More like sticking to this dress. I knew when I got into it I’d never be able to get out of it.
William: …that’ll make the nights somewhat awkward…
William: YOU FORGOT TO TELEPORT YOUR WEDDING RING!
Penny: It’s hard enough keeping track of my hair and clothing!
Penny: Oh god, I think that jump shook something loose.
William Jr.: Yeah, you definitely look looser, now.
William Jr.: At least the ring caught up with you.
Penny: I’m gonna have a baby!
William Jr.: Great, I was getting too much attention lately.
William Jr.: A BOY CAN’T LIVE ON MANSION EXPLORATION ALONE
This is basically me whenever I have to write a lecture.
William: Ooh, I hope no scary fuck-ghosts ambush me while I’m all alone and erect!
Samantha: I guess they teach you the really audacious kind of lying, at spy-school.
Victor: Shh! I want to see the fuck ghost!
Nick: You think you’ve got a chance?
Victor: Maybe fuck-ghosts are difficult to satisfy!
Nick: You want to run a train on a fuck-ghost with your dad?
Victor: STOP THINKING THINGS THROUGH
Andrea: Stop LETTING THEM think things through.
Whenever we get to Neila and then pass her by without a single picture, imagine this one with the caption “Neila read a book.”
Like grandmother, like granddaughter.
William Jr.: My grandmother read books?
No, your grandmother went to work. So I basically ignored her all the time.
I copied that sentence in the previous caption almost verbatim from Chapter Two.
William Jr.: You mean “Chapter 2,” I think.
No, they were written out in full back then.
William Jr.: And you had to write them in the snow uphill both ways, right, dinosaur?
Penny: Am I involved in this conversation somehow, or can I leave.
William: Do you know how to do homework?
Penny: I dunno. I was never a kid, so…
William Jr.: Oh, wow, that’s an OPTION?!
Actually, Valerie would’ve been a more sensible choice for that copied caption.
Valerie: Christ, you’re COPYING CAPTIONS now?
William Jr.: DIE TRAITOR
Penny: Hey! It’s DANGEROUS leaving out TRANSITIONS like that!
Penny: Although I don’t really know what could’ve come before “DIE TRAITOR” to justify it.
Penny: I guess we’re playing Civil War baseball?
William Jr.: I wonder who came up with this game.
People with brain damage in their immediate future, once imagines.
William Jr.: Or their immediate past.
Valerie: Still waiting for my evil instructions from my evil overlord.
Oh, had we established that you’re evil, yet? I forgot.
Valerie: God, I hope so. Otherwise I don’t have any defining characteristics!
Valerie: Anyway half of everybody’s evil around here.
Penny: Alright, let’s see if we can’t figure out your homework.
William Jr.: I think the secret is progress-bar related.
William: Just stand beside me and wave your arms vaguely, and I’ll drag the pen across it, and we’ll see where that gets us.
Penny: I know it’s a fallacy, asking where you’ll need the knowledge you learn in school later in life, but…
But WHAT? You don’t know where pretending to work while someone stands beside you, pretending to help, will be applicable to your later career?
Penny: Yeah actually WOW, forget I said anything.
William: I’m glad we can spend this quality time together.
Andrea: We know you’re only here because your fuck ghossssst won’t show up.
Penny: Apparently if I just say “homework” to you, over and over…
William Jr.: Repetition looks like competence, from a distance!
William: I know everybody thinks I’m just a crazy old man…
Samantha: No, we think you’re a crazy old man.
William: …that’s what I said?
Samantha: No, you had “just” in there, somewhere.
Samantha: We don’t think you’re “just” anything.
Victor: Fuck ghosts haunt the just and the un-just alike, though, I hear.
That can’t be good for the baby.
Penny: Well, the BABY isn’t good for ME, so it can DEAL!
William Jr.: ARCHITECTURAL FUNNNNNN!
Mason: Wow, haha, look at him go!
Stewart: There’s a strange tingle of magic in the air, here.
Brooke: If you want to go strange tingle, I’ll have to teach you to teleport.
Valerie: So hey, kid, you ever play mailbox-smasher?
William Jr.: Just feed me to that wolf, instead.
Andrea: Don’t be ridiculous, skiing is a MYTH.
Samantha: They thought OCEAN SWIMMING was a myth, until Bon Voyage!
So, do you live here now, or what?
Brooke: I’m just staying for the liquor sandwiches.
Brooke: They give you telekinesis!
Next time: The Fucking at Fuck Ghost House.
This chapter depicts gameplay from 22 February 2013.