The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 509

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In which incest. Jokes.

Jokes about incest.

It’s pretty classy.

Emerson: We takin’ positions for a flash mob, or somethin’?

Mallory: Stop! Simmer time.

Emerson: WHO is THAT?
Penny: ♪ You can’t touch this ♪
Emerson: Can I get it out of my WAY?

Emerson: She’s… so beautiful…
Elle Goldman: Hey, generic chick! Your only half-decent chance at life is today, apparently!

Elle: Maybe you’ll get to be a boring tertiary character, like pinky over here!

Brooke: Aliens cut my arm off.
Emerson: That’s what it looks like!

Nathaniel: If that’s your new everyday look, I want to be the first to express approval.

Mallory: …I thought I looked pretty good, ’til I stepped out and saw that.

Nathaniel: I am ALSO a fan of THAT!
Tyler: Then LOOK at THAT.

Emerson: Wow, I can’t get over how attractive you are! So austere. So affectless. So…
Brooke: Bland?
Emerson: So BLAND, yeah!

Mallory: Alright sport, de-sportify yourself.

Hey, that looks pretty good!

Nathaniel: I don’t know who I was before I lost my memories, but apparently I had zero aesthetic sense.

Nathaniel: Girl I barely know!
Mallory: You’ve got a standing, or should I say laying, invitation to lay me. I mean know me. Lost track of it for a second there.

Nathaniel: There a mouth in here, somewhere?

Nathaniel: Two different shades of pink!
Mallory: One day ALL the pink will be MINE!

Wow, someone’s glass is half-empty.

Emerson: I’m looking around for backup romances.
Brooke: I’m Brooke.
Emerson: Wow, a backup Brooke! Even better.

Emerson: By which I mean even worse.

Chris: Setting your sights a bit high, aren’t we?
Nathaniel: I’d be staring at your tits, otherwise.

Nathaniel: Which would be fiiiiine.

Nathaniel: Hey baby, wanna get between two slices of bed with me?
Chris: Not tonight, I’m too… tired?

Brooke: You know it’s a Murphy when you need to look right at it to determine if it’s actually just a townie.

Franklin: I have a long and tragic backstory.
Brooke: I was hoping that would end with something other than the word “backstory.”

Franklin: A long and tragic penis?
Brooke: Hey, penisis can have depth!

Emerson: Mine’s certainly hoping to experience some.

Woo! Maybe now I won’t hate spending time with you so much.

Mallory: I dunno how you’re gonna tart up that chunk of wood, though.

Franklin: I AM NOT ENJOYING LIFE
Nathaniel: You should try getting your mind wiped. It might not solve all your problems, but it certainly makes you unaware of them!

Aaaaaand uncle-kissing again.

Emerson: I could take you away from all this!
Brooke: We’d need to go somewhere there’s a cash register. I think I need them to survive, at this point.

Emerson: I’ll carry the thing.
Brooke: Spoken like someone who’s never tried to lift one.

As someone who has, yeah.

Good luck with that.

Brooke: Could you teach me about this thing you playable Sims call kissing?
Emerson: Are you sure you’re not an alien?

Emerson: I’d totally be cool with kissing an alien, just to be clear.

Mallory: Didn’t your sister kill that Brooke?
Franklin: It’s so hot how you can’t tell the Brookes apart.

Mallory: I think they’re actually members of an alien race, all named Brooke. Their spaceship plunged through the atmosphere, on fire, and landed in the Land of Cash Registers where the sentient cash registers rebuilt them into service personnel.

Mallory: I’m so glad to have someone to share that with.


Franklin: I’m so mad to have someone to share you with.

Mallory: There’s enough of me to be passed around, I assure you.

Nathaniel: Pick me! I’m the most easily-distinguished one!

Franklin: Where you going?
Emerson: To see if the camera will follow me.

Angelica: Yeah, we’re building up supporting cast for this household today.
Nick: Don’t pick up any Brookes!


Emerson: Can I get that huge-ass display model, instead?


That has GOT to be the fastest community lot trip I’ve ever taken.

Mallory: YOUR ROOM MAKES ME MAD

Franklin: This is OUR room.
Mallory: Our room makes me GLAD!

Emerson: Oh god, please don’t tell me I have a Brooke fetish.

Why not? Lots of people would kill for such an easily-fed fetish.

Angelica: Oh boy, I bet there’s an uncle-fucking joke on its way now!

You just made it.

You uncle-fucker.

Franklin: You know, this ALMOST makes all that time we spent dying in a basement worth it.
Mallory: …you do realize we could’ve had this WITHOUT basement death, right?

Franklin: No, I know this trope. This is Earn Your Happy Ending.
Mallory: Why isn’t that a hyperlink?

Because I’ve linked it before once already.

Franklin: He remembers doing something!
Mallory: Maybe he’ll stop repeating jokes, now.

Mallory: It’s a world of possibilities, my man.
Franklin: We probably die.
Mallory: Yeah, probably.

Mallory: We might have time to live a bit, first, though.

Franklin: This is my favourite part.

Angelica: You want to put it WHERE?!
Nick: Just to see!
Angelica: Just to see WHAT?!
Nick: If it fits!

This is legitimately what teenagers think looks attractive.

And then he ate her cheek.

Mallory: I wasn’t using it for anything.

Mallory: I wish this moment could last forever.
Franklin: How ’bout it?

Sure, why not.

Mallory: Okay, that’s enough.
Franklin: Forever is TWO PICS for you?
Mallory: Turns out forever hugs are super boring.

Franklin: I do not share this opinion.

Franklin: We’re all eating together! Like a family!
Nathaniel: I don’t know who you all are.
Angelica: I’d rather be eating with Nick.
Emerson: I miss Brooke.
Mallory: I hate Angelica.
Franklin: I refuse to honour your perspectives! Like a family.

Angelica: So, uh… what wiped your memory, Nat?
Nathaniel: I don’t remember!
Angelica: You didn’t get a receipt, or anything?

Angelica: Might it have been the scary magic plotline that’s been hovering over everything, these past few years?
Nathaniel: You know what’s not frustrating at all? You constantly asking me questions as if the answer isn’t going to be I DON’T FUCKING REMEMBER

Franklin: What a bunch of bologna.

Angelica: I hope they catch whoever did this to you.
Mallory: They don’t catch ANYBODY around here.
Angelica: Well… then… I hope whoever did this to you CATCHES something.

Angelica: Oh! Hey! Our mom’s back from jailcation.

Mallory: It suddenly seems foolish to be enemies with you.

Mallory: Her mom’s a murderer or something, right?

Franklin: Or something, right.
Emerson: She’s more of an apocalypse…er?

Franklin: Basically she got everyone killed for a bit.
Emerson: PAST IS BORING NOW MUST PHONE

Emerson: Hey. This chapter’s winding down. Wanna secure your spot in the next one?

Emerson: We live in a big house on Rich Hill.
Brooke: Which one?
Emerson: The one where you can see all the details right now, not the ones which are unloaded and therefore just scenery.

Angelica: It’s funny how even having a mansion doesn’t seem like enough space to live in with two of your siblings.

I don’t trust you guys together.

Angelica: I don’t fuck ALL uncles!

Nathaniel: Man, you get a reputation for uncle-fucking in this town, you never live it down!

Brooke: I ain’t ‘fraid of no uncle-fuckers!

Uncle fucker uncle fucker.

Angelica: Yes, let’s keep it going, shall we.

Emerson: Well BLOW ME! It’s Brooke!
Brooke: The expression is “Well blow me down.
Emerson: I don’t want to be blown down, though.

Emerson: Not sure how to move the conversation forward, past that.

Emerson: So, UNNECESSARY TOUCHING!
Brooke: It’s SO unnecessary!

Mallory: I’m bored with you.
Franklin: I’m bored with me, too.

Angelica: Forever sure is brief, around here.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: It only seems that way from a mortal perspective.

Next time: the character-building exercises continue.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 22 February 2013.

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