The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 499

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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In which nudity isn’t optional.

Bradleigh: Has it ever been?

Stephen: Laci! Nudity isn’t optional!
Lainey: Is that why you’re wearing a flasher jacket?
Laci: Don’t talk to him, he isn’t here.

Laci: GOD-DAMN BUGGED-OUT GAME

Laci: Also my body is unready.

Bradleigh: Are you here because of the nudity, officer?
Victor: Yes, I hope to enforce it.

Bradleigh: I’d like to enforce… um. Myself… um. Yourself…
Victor: There is no good way to do what you’re trying to do.

Victor: So why’d you make her try it?

There is no good way to do anything she tries to do.

It all sorta bleeds together into one big general “no.”

Bradleigh: Hey Laci, talk to General No lately?
Laci: Yep! Fucked him, too.

Samella: I’m just here for the TV.

Bradleigh: I’m just here for a shower that isn’t all Murphied-up.

Bradleigh: Or Bradleighed-up! I’m a pig.

Bradleigh: But at least I’m not a clown.

Bradleigh: Or a clown.

Bradleigh: Or a CLOWN

Bradleigh: Or a clown.

Stewart: At least I’m not NAKED!
Shane: Yeah, we all appreciate that, dude.

Shane: This, though, not so much.

Bradleigh: If y’all want to see me naked again, y’all have to earn it.

Stewart: I like this twist on “Earn Your Happy Ending.”

Shane: I’d like to get a happy ending from that fuzzy dude.
Amin: As a fuzzy dude myself, I feel compelled to reject your fantasy.

Tazama: Count yourself OUT, dude.

Bradleigh: This is my chapter. It’s definitely gonna have some sex in it.
Stewart: And a happy ending! We referenced it enough, it needs to happen now.

Bradleigh: I don’t jerk strangers off. I only fuck them.

Bradleigh: My morals are complex.

Stewart: I’ve never heard that word applied to you.

Stewart: Then again, most of what I’ve heard about you comes from when you were a dude.
Bradleigh: Baby, you haven’t fucked a chick until you’ve fucked a chick you knows what dudes like because she used to be one.

Shane: Very few of us have fucked a chick, then, apparently.
Bradleigh: You certainly haven’t.

Stewart: Don’t be mean to the townies, they have it hard enough as it is.
Bradleigh: Speaking of “hard enough as it is…”
Stewart: Oh, yes, it is is!

Bradleigh: Allow me to second the “Grugly is high” motion.

I must be.

Because what am I seeing.

Stewart: I’m not a big fan of road shenanigans. They killed my brother once.
Bradleigh: Oh, sure, one dead brother and NOW you gotta be NOT RECKLESS AND ROAD-PIZZA

Amin: Dude. Keep your water on your waterside.

Tazama: Do you think it’s possible to BUY characterhood?
Samella: Not only is it not possible to buy it, it’s possible to LOSE it.

Count Alon: I RESEMBLE THAT COMMENT

Little blue dude mad in a tub is, like, my favourite thing ever.

Stewart: Want to do my favourite thing ever?
Bradleigh: Was that a double entendre?
Stewart: Yes.

Stewart: Because sex is my favourite thing ever to do…

Stewart: But I also invite you to “do” my favourite thing ever, which is me.

I’m so glad we had the pics to explain that joke.

Mrs. Crumplebottom: These aren’t jokes. I’m not hearing any “Knock Knock”!

Franklin: Free stank! You’re welcome.

The image of Grugly Prime, looking shell-shocked and blasted while he thinks about university, accurately describes my present state.

Bradleigh: Oh! You’re not high, you’re low.

Grugly Prime: Wanna get down on me?

Bradleigh: Never.

I will be adding this image to my Book of Grudges.

Amin: Maker gonna fuck y’all up.

Stewart: Let me fuck her down, first.

Why does everybody think I’m violent? It’s you guys with the guns and axes and shit.

Alec Prince the Damned: DON’T CALL MY MURDER MAGIC SHIT

Alec Prince the Damned: This has been a paid advertisement for Chapter 500.

Bradleigh: Oooh, you’re so hot when you’re taking unnecessary risks!
Andrew Murphy the Warlock: STOP BEING SO HOT, STEWART

Bradleigh: Hey, daughterfucker.
Andrew Murphy the Warlock: …what?
Bradleigh: You fucked two of my daughters.
Andrew Murphy the Warlock: Oh thank GOD, I thought you knew something I didn’t.

Bradleigh: You should know me better than THAT.

Andrew Murphy the Warlock: It looks like someone else is already knowing you.

Stewart: And I like what I know!

Stewart: And I know what I like. To fuck!

Bradleigh: I like to fuck too.

Bradleigh: Talking about it endlessly, on the other hand…

Stewart: Yes, well, if the talk doesn’t end, the fuck never starts.

Stewart: These courtships take FOREVER.

Yeah, I’ll start cheating them forward, about five hundred chapters from now.

Bradleigh: Something to look forward to!
Stewart: Hahaha, you think we’ll be alive?!

Bradleigh: I might.

Yeah, you might.

Neila: Might makes wrong.

Bradleigh: Someone back there understands probabilities!

Bradleigh: I’m just guessing. Because I don’t.

Ugh. Exercise.

Andrew Murphy the Warlock: It’s rough, but I can handle it! My mother literally wrote the book on this.

It must have been hard to write on a treadmill.

Neila Sharpe the Witch: Does the book say anything about warlocks?
Andrew Murphy the Warlock: I suspect that’ll be the next book.

Samantha: Is it just me, or did it suddenly get hot and steamy out here?
Count Alon: That heat and steam is just ME

Grugly Prime: This chapter needs more Cecilia.
Shane: Someone behind me thinks it needs less you.

Bradleigh: Well I think it needs less clothing.

Stewart: There’s a room for that.

Stewart: But there are complications.

Bradleigh: Tell me about it.

Bradleigh: But! I’ll trade more complicated life for less complicated outfits.

Stewart: You call that an outfit?
Bradleigh: Why not? I’m fit, and I’m out.
Nathaniel: Wish I had a little boat to play with.

Andrew Murphy the Warlock: Your uncle found something better.

Andrew Murphy the Warlock: It plays back.

If I were you, I’d scoot around so I didn’t have to look at that.

Andrew Murphy the Warlock: I’m old, and I got here first. It’s their move.

Stewart: Sorry, man, all my moves are dorsal and ventral at the moment.

Bradleigh: Adjust pitch!
Stewart: Adjust yaw!

Amin: Fifty bucks and I’ll beat them up for you.

Stewart: He’ll do it, too.

Bradleigh: Too late. We already did it.

Stewart: Any regrets?
Bradleigh: Tons! O’er the years.

Stewart: I meant in regards to us.
Bradleigh: I’d only have regrets in regards to “us” if there was an “us.”

Samella: Our lives are a series of portable regret factories.

Andrew Murphy the Warlock: And happy endings.

Stewart: I like them best when they’re happy beginnings.

Bradleigh: Pretty sure this is just a blowjob, dude.

How are you making yourself so clear?

Bradleigh: I’m playing this thing like a flute, baby.

Bradleigh: I’m suckin’ it like I’d want mine sucked, if it hadn’t been turned into a uterus.

Alec Prince the Damned: Things you never want to hear your dad say.

Bradleigh: Wait, I’m whose what?

Stewart: Do you have any sons?
Bradleigh: I had two of them!
Stewart: What are their names?
Bradleigh: One’s dead and one’s the devil, so… I prefer not to name them.

Stewart: The dead have names.
Bradleigh: Yeah, but if we call them by them, they might answer.

Bradleigh: Oh, hey! Glitches are in, this season?

Kyle Wolosenko-Murphy the Nice Warlock: In my head, at least…


Bradleigh: Fuck is that thing.

Franklin: SPEAKING OF FUCK

Bradleigh: You fuck that fuck, buddy.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Fuck me, fuckbuddy!

Stewart: Oh, I didn’t realize you had comp- oh, I didn’t realize you were being accosted by anonymity.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: That was lovely, Franklin.
Franklin: Wanna do it again?
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Sure, give me your contacts list.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Ugh.
Franklin: What?
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: I’ve already seen this episode.

Let’s have another one of those low-rent animated gifs!

Franklin: Low rent, but high cropping.

Franklin: I can’t shake the feeling that I know this chick from somewhere.

Try.

Franklin: …wait a second. Turn your head.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Into what?

Franklin: …okay, nope nope, I’d rather derail this thought trolley onto five innocent bystanders than see it screech to its destination.

Franklin: Off-camera kiss goodbye?
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: You know it!

Stewart: Hi, Bradleigh! Hi, frozen corpse!

…it’s LEONARD, right?

Leonard: Oh thank GOD. I can brush my teeth and go to bed, now.

What’re you mopping?

Nerissa: I’m not, anymore. I’m trying to free my mop.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: It’s almost like it’s winter outside.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: But it can’t be, because all of our windows are open.

Franklin: Here we are, little living things! Death’s door.

Bradleigh: Four hundred and ninety-nine chapters.

Yep.

Bradleigh: Kinda makes you think.

Gosh, I hope not.

Bradleigh: I’m betting the goth witch becomes a thing.

She’s already a thing.

Bradleigh: Yeah, it was a safe bet.

Bradleigh: Okay, I don’t even know who that is.

Justus Bertino.

Bradleigh: Okay, I don’t even know who that is.

Bradleigh: And I’m pretty sure THIS is someone I just made UP.

This isn’t turning out to be a profitable endeavour, Brad.

Bradleigh: I’m rich. What do I need with profit.

Bradleigh: I could just sleep for the rest of my life, if I wanted to.

I hate it when I envy fictional characters.

Leonard: But in OUR world, sleep is something that takes about ONE PIC.

Yeah, I think I’d need nine or ten pics of sleep each day, at the very least.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Mornin’, science sister.
Bradleigh: Right back at you.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: You know, we’re the only people in the whole neighbourhood who got to choose their gender?

Bradleigh: You chose well.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Right back atcha.

Next time: the last of the monster updates.

There’s no shame in quitting while you’re ahead when the lead is essentially permanent!

This chapter depicts gameplay from 20 February 2013.

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