The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 497

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Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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In which two times two is four.

Andrew: But only for this chapter?

Wander: How was your trip?
Andrew: Better than expected!
Wander: Oh, so, still bad, then?

Wander: Where’s the criminal?

Wander: You kill her?

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: You survived!
Andrew: We survived WHAT?
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Each other.

WEDNESDAY: What’re you doing out here in the cold?
Wander: I thought I might cultivate an icy demeanour.

Confidence: You’ll never be demeanour of the two of us!

Andrew: Lust keeps me warm.

Cameron Price the Witch: Ex-zombies don’t feel cold.


Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Do you know what we’re doing here?
Andrew: I’ve got a notion.
Cameron Price the Witch: Well hey, guys, feel free to keep it to yourselves…

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: I thought we’d have ourselves a little private science party.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: But first, let me hand out party favours.

Andrew: That’s not your hand.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: HOW DARE YOU QUEUESTOMP MY MAGIC

Cameron Price the Witch: You shouldn’t make her mad.
Andrew: We’re all mad here, Alice.

Andrew: We’re just functional madfolk.

Cameron Price the Witch: Welcome to the sparkle brigade, Mr. Murphy.

Wander: Do I get sparkles too?
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Why not? Sprites are cheap, processor load-wise.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: CAN YOU HOLD YOUR HORMONES IN CHECK FOR TEN FREAKING SECONDS

Andrew Murphy the Warlock: I’ve already seen myself go magic.

Wander: REGARD ME

Wander Murphy the Witch: I’m cute now!

Well we’ll have to fix that.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: And YOU get a spell, and YOU get a spell, and…

FRIDAY: Ooh, I’m a you!

FRIDAY: We’re treating me as a character again, huh?

FRIDAY: Didn’t think I’d live that long.

FRIDAY: IF YOU CAN CALL THIS LIVING

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: I wouldn’t.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Look upon our work, Bea.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: And despair, Abs.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Hehehe, “Abs.”

Cameron Price the Witch: Congrats on how dumb you look!

WEDNESDAY: Oh no, did I walk into one of those “when they were handing out ____” jokes?
Andrew Murphy the Warlock: …how did you pronounce that?

FRIDAY: Robots.
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Are weird.

Cameron Price the Witch: What’s in there that could POSSIBLY be more interesting than BEING A WARLOCK?
Andrew Murphy the Warlock: Possibility is rather the point of books, Cameron.

Andrew Murphy the Warlock: Anyway, come with me.
Cameron Price the Witch: I prefer to come before you.

Cameron Price the Witch: It’s safer.

Andrew Murphy the Warlock: Okay, so! Whose back should we wreck?

Cameron Price the Witch: …Abigail’s?

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: No thank you, I get my clones in the normal way.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Yeah, I know how that sounds.

Cameron Price the Witch: So wait. We’re… cloning me?
Andrew Murphy the Warlock: Yes.
Cameron Price the Witch: Through… sex.
Andrew Murphy the Warlock: Yes.
Cameron Price the Witch: Isn’t that just reproduction?

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: This way is faster.

Cameron Price the Witch: He is pretty fast.
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: My next project will be a memory-deleter.

Cameron Price the Witch: NOTHIN’ BUT MEMORY MAKERS IN HERE

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Yeah, wow, you’ve discovered sex. You should publish.

Cameron Price the Witch: I SHOULD PUBISH
Andrew Murphy the Warlock: Just… no.

Andrew Murphy the Warlock: FEEL THE BURN

Andrew Murphy the Warlock: FROM MY URETHRA TO YOURS, BABY

Andrew Murphy the Warlock: FIRE FUCK WITH ME

FRIDAY: E-LEC-TRI-CI-TY

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Yep.

Cameron Price the Witch: YEP

Cameron Price the Witch: THIS SURE IS HOT

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: I was hoping someone would have some auspicious words.

Yeah, well, I’ve had a very academic day. My auspicity is lacking.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: You’re using up your creativity on other people?

In fairness, they are paying me.

Andrew Murphy the Warlock: We have cost him so much.
Cameron Price the Witch: And we will again!

Cameron Price the Witch: I CAN READ THAT YOU KNOW

Wander Murphy the Witch: Then why does she need glasses.

Sullivan: Particularly when there’s NOTHING around HERE worth SEEING.

Andrew Murphy the Warlock: HOO.
Cameron Price the Witch: You can exhale that again!

Cameron Price the Witch: Cameron Hears a Hoo.

Cameron Price the Witch: And passes out.
Andrew Murphy the Warlock: What?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Andrew Murphy the Warlock: Are you seriously going to pass out?
Cameron Price the Witch: I was thinking of doing it comically, actually.

Andrew Murphy the Warlock: I’m trying to get up and catch you, but apparently I’m distending my pelvis instead.

Cameron Price the Witch: Welp.

Cameron Price the Witch: Wake me up when I’m us.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: How many of her are there?

Andrew Murphy the Warlock: Just the prototype, so far.

Andrew Murphy the Warlock: Oh! We have logotype!

Man-Cameron:“MAN-CAMERON”?

Cameron Price the Witch: At least I’m not Woman-Cameron now.

Man-Cameron: I need an anagram, STAT.

Romance.

Man-Cameron: …what?

Romance. It’s an anagram of Cameron.

Man-Cameron: …yes, but is it a NAME?

Andrew Murphy the Warlock: You don’t look like how I picture romance.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Sorry, guys, we’ve established the gender-swapped-clone naming rules.

Romance: Fine, but I get to define my own APPEARANCE, at least.
Andrew Murphy the Warlock: He can teleport.

Andrew Murphy the Warlock: Why can he teleport?
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Why can’t his dick.

Andrew Murphy the Warlock: Maybe it’s not part of his self-image yet.
Cameron Price the Witch: He’s got a self-image already, and I didn’t even get to meet him?!

Cameron Price the Witch: Man, what a selfish prick. It worked!

Romance: Man, my prick didn’t teleport with me right away!
Wander Murphy the Witch: Man, what a selfish prick.
Romance: That works!

Wander Murphy the Witch: So, who are you?
Romance: Romance.
Wander Murphy the Witch: Yeah, you look like how I picture romance.

Wander Murphy the Witch: I don’t picture it often, mind you.

Wander Murphy the Witch: But I might start.

Romance: Anything in here I can wear?
Wander Murphy the Witch: Depends on how you feel about women’s clothing.

Wander Murphy the Witch: Or dumb magic shit.

Cameron Price the Witch: Are you averting your eyes?
Andrew Murphy the Warlock: It’s my anti-dick defense system, hard at work.

Cameron Price the Witch: Probably for the best. He could put your eye out with that thing no problem.

Andrew Murphy the Warlock: Please don’t admire your clone’s package.

Cameron Price the Witch: It’s purely scientific curiosity.
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Leave that to the pure scientists, please.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: I can’t wait to do some science on that.

Cameron Price the Witch: I’M HOTTER AS A MAN
Andrew Murphy the Warlock: Not to ME, if that’s any consolation.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Shame on you, Romance! Why you gotta be so handsome.

No roof.

NO ROOF.

Cameron Price the Witch: I’m more worried about the naked man on the street, in the snow.


Romance: HE’S WORRIED ABOUT HIMSELF TOO

Romance: Alright, yes, everybody take a good look.
WEDNESDAY: Check out my bejewelled penis!

The magic of perspective.

Wander Murphy the Witch: I’d like to get some perspective on his magic!
Romance: Hey, sis, can I borrow your clothes? You’re pretty flat.

Andrew Murphy the Warlock: Wow, it’s like he’s as hateable as you are, but I don’t want to fuck him!
FRIDAY: I SHIP IT

WEDNESDAY: D-PLOTS D-PLOTS D-PLOTS
Dirk: Yes, if you’re wondering, she HAS been doing that this entire time.

Dirk: D-plots progress slowly.

Dirk: Thanks for leaving me alone with her, by the way.

Dirk: Big fan of that.

WEDNESDAY: D-PLOTS D-PLOTS D-PLOTS
Romance: DON’T-CARE DON’T-CARE DON’T-CARE

I love those photos.

As a game mechanic.

I feel the opposite way about Servos.

As a game mechanic.

I’d have WEDNESDAY say “I didn’t know you were a game mechanic,” but right now all she can say is

WEDNESDAY: D-PLOTS D-PLOTS D-PLOTS

Wendell: Uncle-fucker.

Wendell: Yep.

Vanessa: A challenger approaches!

Andrew Murphy the Warlock: Oh, I’d let you win.

Vanessa: Then why do I feel like I’m losing?

Vanessa: Who are THOSE for?
Andrew Murphy the Warlock: I don’t fuckin’ know, this action is the queuestop to end all queuestomps.

The correct way to type “queue” is to type “q” and then to hit the “u” and “e” keys on instinct.

This is the correct way to get brain cancer.

Wendell: Mornin’ D-Plots!

Wander Murphy the Witch: I need to differentiate myself from myself somehow.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: You could try not dating shitheads.

Romance: I’m offended on behalf of my fellow shitheads!

Dirk: Mornin’, shithead!
Romance: YOU HAVEN’T EARNED THE RIGHT

Dirk: Go talk to that shithead, shithead! Steal him from my daddy’s girl-clone.

Wander Murphy the Witch: Well hello-there-girl-clone!

Wander Murphy the Witch: “Boyclone” sounds like… a superhero name?

Wander Murphy the Witch: MY HERO

Romance: I’ll be waiting for you!
Wander Murphy the Witch: That’s such a romantic way to say you don’t intend to get a job.

Romance: There’s enough work to do here as it stands.

(Like how Kyle’s deathroom is missing most of its wall, for example.)

Cameron Price the Witch: Yeah, it’s frankly amazing that the place does still stand.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: I certainly can’t.

STOP USING THE JAIL BATHROOM

Vanessa: I’m trying to trick Cameron in here.

Vanessa: Also providing some visual interest.

It’s been a while, but yeah, once again, captions fail me.

New character!

Let’s not use him for anything.

Next time: the bird and the Beatriz.

Oh gosh I’m so clever.

No wonder I’ve managed ALMOST FIVE HUNDRED CHAPTERS.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 19 February 2013.

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