The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 493

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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In which changes vary in scale and proportion.

Alvin: Too vague. How about “In which Alvin makes a new friend”?

Too improbable.

Brandi: How about “In which the height of subtle spycraft is achieved”?

Past Grugly: How about “In which the disappearing newspaper problem is solved with some creative use of camera angles”?

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: How about none of that.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: How about none of YOU!

Laci: I think I’d like that.

Alvin: What’re you doing?
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Converting your trash compactor into a trash fabricator.

Alvin: We’re been fabricating trash pretty effectively without one of those.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Alright, time for a firmware update.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Don’t look! I’m in my software.

NEW OUTFIT!

Permanent new outfit.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: I dunno, I can think of some improv-

You’re still wearing it today.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Okay, but I think-

Nope.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: DON’T INTERRUPT MY THINKS!

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: My thinks are once and future world-savers, you know.

What’s cookin’?

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Porridge.

Porridge.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Neutral!

Laci: I wonder what neutrality feels like.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Neutrality is just partiality masquerading as impartiality.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Speaking of things I’m partial to!

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: …partially.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: …Magus Mutatio?
Alvin: Couldn’t’ve cast cultus mundatus instead?

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: It’s hot and bothersome that you know the latin for “toilet clean.”

Alvin: Yeah, Lucas left a lot of reading material lying around here.

Alvin: And firm instructions for the care and treatment of his baby.

Alvin: Glad he’s dead.

Forever.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: My sandwich is lit wrong.

Alvin: My penis is hanging wrong.

There is nothing wrong with this.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Maybe I should make the toilet a wizard. From the way Lucas treated it, it must be sentient.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Magus Mutatio!
Alvin: Havin’ a bathio.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Oh, don’t get up! I don’t wanna see your weird-hangin’ dick.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Aw, that’s not true.

Alvin: My dick is SPARKLING!
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Careful, you don’t wanna challenge William.

Alvin: OW OW OW MY DICK SPARKLES

Alvin Woodrow the Warlock: Oooooh. Those sparkles punctured my everything.

Alvin Woodrow the Warlock: I need my everything!

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Why, though? It’s not like you’ve been doing anything with it, lately.

Alvin Woodrow the Warlock: Ouch.

Alvin Woodrow the Warlock: Okay, so… are the solutions in the back, or…?

Alvin Woodrow the Warlock: Has this been peer-reviewed?

Alvin Woodrow the Warlock: Hmm. One of these paths seems to offer a much higher return on investment.

Alvin Woodrow the Warlock: Spies don’t make nice warlocks.

Irvin: Get outta here, you flamingo-toucher!

Irvin: HOMEWORK SHED!

Elvis: Curse you, father, and your homework shed!

Irvin: Do not speak ill of homework shed! It listens.

Samantha: Whee.

Elvis: Who’m I named after?
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: A guy who died on a toilet. It’s thematically-appropriate for this house.

Samantha: Whee.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: The Fountain of Youth! It’s in the Forest of Laziness, just like I always knew it was!

You’ve been drinking that stuff for decades.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Yeah, but I just wanted to tell a story. So sue me.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: WHAT A WONDERFUL NIGHT TO HAVE A DRINK

Elvis: HAHAHA PRIVATES SCHOOL

You’d better write it down, you’ll forget by the morning.

Irvin: That might be for the best.

Speaking of for the worst…

Laci: He said “for the best.”

OH SO YOU’RE SPYING ON THEM NOW, HUH

Laci: Heheh. “Now.”
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Hey hey! Welcome to the communal house.

Laci: Alvin Woodrow’s Home for Homeless Storylines.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: My storyline has a home, it just needs… a vacation home as well.

Irvin: Quit screwin’ around! We’ll never make it through the Forest of Laziness if you can’t fuckin’ focus!

Irvin: ARE YOU TRYING TO PUSH ME INTO THE ROAD?!

Irvin: Okay, I just want you to know that all of dad’s breakups are your fault.

Irvin: And he doesn’t like you.
Elvis: Ooh, ooh! Say the one about how people are starving in Africa because of me, too! That’s my favourite.

Irvin: I wish there was some kind of spray for you.

Elvis: I react negatively to most sprays, actually.

How was work?

Alvin Woodrow the Warlock: Shitty. Couldn’t seem to stay incognito today, for some reason.

Alvin Woodrow the Warlock: Speaking of SOME REASON.
Laci: No, I’m here because I have no reasons.

Laci: Just thought I’d sit here, play cards, be cute.

Alvin Woodrow the Warlock: I hate all my cute wives.

Irvin: He’s had a few of them!

Elvis: I pity the next one.

Irvin: Maybe the small business reviewer! Dad really likes him.
Elvis: No, stupid, you’re thinking the guy who’s virtually indistinguishable from dad.

Elvis: Because he has a ponytail.

Alvin Woodrow the Warlock: I don’t even have the ponytail anymore. God, this story is mondo change-resistant.

Alvin Woodrow the Warlock: Wanna make out? Because apparently changes don’t matter.

Laci: SANE SITTING SPOT

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: The mighty triple-S!

Belinda the Malevolent: Hello, uselesses.
Irvin: Hello, worst daughter!

Alvin Woodrow the Warlock: I don’t ask for a lot out of life. I feel like maybe, maybe, if I only got backstabbed ninety percent of the time, I’d be cool with it.