The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 488

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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In which sometimes it’s never too late.

Andrew: This place is so empty when school’s out.
Vanessa: That’s what that means, yeah.

Andrew: If only we could transmit some of this emptiness back home.

Vanessa: This place did transmit some emptiness back home. Rather a lot of it, you’ll recall.

Vanessa: Luckily I was dead for all that.

Vanessa: Allow me to grope you before you point out how much of the emptiness transferral was my fault.


When I was a kid, I saw a sketch on a comedy variety show about this woman who couldn’t say “rape,” but somebody had raped her, and she was trying to tell two cops about it, but she kept saying “grape,” and “graped,” and so forth.

Vanessa: This sounds like a good date story, go on.

The punchline was, when she left, one cop said “Do you believe her story?” and the other one said “Of course not. Who in their right mind would want to grape her?

Vanessa: WHAT.

I’m pretty sure I know what show it was, but I don’t want to say until I’m sure.

Andrew: Just… fuckin’…!

Because when I do find out, boy, probably-1970s-variety-comedy-show, I am going to get you fuckin’ cancelled.

Andrew: A noble quest.

Vanessa: Man, now I’m pissed off.
Andrew: Yeah, thanks, man.

Andrew: Oof. I really need to get to work on that stem cell research.

Andrew: This library always seemed too small to me.

Most stuff in your neighbourhood is small.


Andrew: VERY few of us measure less than six inches.

Vanessa: I wish some of the longer ones were unrelated to me.

Andrew: Yeah, I can see where that would be a source of some frustration for you.

Andrew: Now, turn that frustration into flirtation!

These in-game image creation things are, like, the best thing.

Vanessa: You like anything that allows you to customize the world without having to quit and reload.

Fucking right I do.

Vanessa: It’s backwards. Is it good?

Vanessa: It’s good, right?

Andrew: Bigfoots go roo roo roo.

Vanessa: Oh… okay.

Vanessa: …thanks?

Vanessa: Ya fuckin’ weirdo.

Vanessa: Channel that weirdness for the next session.

Andrew: You asked for levity. I’m bringing you levity!

Andrew: How’s it look?
Vanessa: Intangible.

Vanessa: Your levity level is acceptable, however.

Andrew: As a scientist, I crave acceptable results.

Joy: please buy something I’ve been stuck here forever

Andrew: So has Vanessa, in a way.

Vanessa: What do knights have to do with the SimNation?
Andrew: Oh, there’s another game, it’s a whole… thing…?

Andrew: Aw, come ON.
Big Fuckin’ Flatbee: BZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Vanessa: How COULD you?
Andrew: Why ARE you? Here?

Andrew: Why are you here.


Andrew: OW

Andrew: As usual, Simerica uses way more force than necessary.

Vanessa: How could you.
Andrew: Maybe I find you repetitive?

Vanessa: I’m betting Michael’s running loose on the next lot, waiting to slap me.

Vanessa: Damn! That would’ve been a good idea.

Vanessa: Oh, good! It’s not raining in this direction.

I actually saw that happen the other day, when I was driving. I was like “why is the road so wet over there?” and then the rain sort of rolled over my car.

Confidence: ♪ Nobody caaaaaares about your stupid sto-riiiiiies ♪

As a denizen of one, that’s a precarious position to adopt.

Andrew: Got any plans for where we’re spending the night?
Vanessa: I was thinking I’d stay in North Residence.
Andrew: And me?
Vanessa: I was thinking you’d stay in me.

Vanessa: That’s what I was thinking.

Prof. Sinjin: Vanessa! You’re late for class.
Vanessa:very late, yes.

Vanessa: I was late, for class.
Andrew: Yes.
Vanessa: Get it?
Andrew: Yes.

Andrew: Just drink your damn coffee.

Andrew: Do I get it.

Some Fuckin’ Barista: Yeah, bitch, getting stuff’s his whole thing!

Vanessa: “Some Fuckin’ Barista”?

We do what we have to to publish on time.

It’s an academia thing.

Which seems appropriate.

For here.


Andrew: I sincerely doubt that barista has ever fucked, though.

Andrew: She looks like a surprised fish.

Andrew: Do I know that person?
Celeste: It’s me, dummy! Andrew Murphy!
Andrew: …sorry I asked.

Andrew: Something about you rubs me the wrong way.
Confidence: Allow me to rub you the right way, then!

Andrew: Got all the right-rubbings I need right here.

Celeste: Ewwww.

William: EWWWW


Vanessa: I think he wants to talk to us.
Andrew: I think I’ve had enough of his wants.

I guess it’s hard to come up with whimsical names for piles of asphalt.

Vanessa: People who live in the Murphy house shouldn’t throw accusations of non-whimsical naming.

Andrew: I had to hang back a minute to figure that one out.

Vanessa: …good to see the old place hasn’t gone to pot while I’ve been away.

Vanessa: I wonder how much the university would want for this place.
Andrew: Yeah, purchase the site of your own suicide. Now that’s an engaging prospect.

Vanessa: Oh now THIS is in BAD taste.

Vanessa: I can still remember the taste.

The taste? The taste of what?


Vanessa: They tasted like microwaved eggs.
Andrew: Uh.
Vanessa: Smelled that way, too.

Andrew: Hey, baby, whatever gets you hot I guess.

Vanessa: Fire gets me hot.
Andrew: It does that to most people.

Andrew: I wonder whose piss this is.
Vanessa: At this depth, it’s communal piss.

Andrew: …hm. No. Not quite here.
Vanessa: What?

Andrew: Yeah, you stand there. Was it… where was it.
Vanessa: …what?

Andrew: My memory’s almost as faulty as my back.

Vanessa: Well, it’s a lovely night to not know what the fuck you’re on about.

Andrew: I think I found the spot.
Vanessa: WHAT spot?
Andrew: The spot where we do this.

Andrew: Instead of the spot where I did that.

Andrew: It’s what you brought me here for.
Vanessa: It is.
Andrew: Bit of a gamble, trusting a scientist’s nostalgia and social memory.

Andrew: But! I do remember. You collapsed right HERE!
Vanessa: Gee. Thanks for reminding me.

Andrew: I told you I was already engaged to Chelsea, so we couldn’t go out.
Vanessa: And you called me a “fruit loop.” Which doesn’t sound like what you thought it sounded like.
Andrew: I don’t remember that, so we’ll file it under “didn’t happen.”

Vanessa: I have pics, though.

Andrew: Take a picture of this.

Vanessa:Awwww, this is sure stirrin’ up some ghosts for me! ♪

Andrew: ♪ There’s one thing you gotta learn, is not to be afraid of it ♪

Vanessa: ♪ No, I like it! ♪

Vanessa: ♪ I LIKE IT IT’S GOOD ♪

Andrew: ♪ You like it now, but we’ll probably get divorced later ♪

Vanessa: I’ve always wanted a Robbie Robertson engagement.

William: Oh NOW what stupid BULLSHIT…!

Andrew: Thank you for enhancing the moment in your own unique way, William.


Vanessa: What’s he talking about? Chud?
Andrew: He’s snapped. Let’s get him committed.

Andrew: Just kidding, just kidding. It’s impossible to get him committed to ANYTHING.

William: I may now kill the groom.

Vanessa: We’re not married yet.
Andrew: Yeah, there won’t be any missing architectural features when we do get married.

Grumble mumble.

Vanessa: Alright, grumble and mumble, leave us alone.

Vanessa: You’re mumble.

William: ♪ Hang the rich ♪

Andrew: He’s following us.
Vanessa: Probably afraid he’s gonna get hung, now.

Vanessa: Speaking of penises…

Vanessa: Thinking of penises!

Vanessa: Ugh. Life After Dormies.

Vanessa: …is that my xylophone?

I mean… probably?

William: Is this place a stealth museum to Vanessa, now?
Andrew: Vanessa and filth, you mean?

Vanessa: It’s not actually very stealthy.

Vanessa: They’ve got a creepy shrine and everything.

Vanessa: I really fucked up, you know.
Andrew: We all did.
Vanessa: Got a lot of people killed.
Andrew: We all did.

Vanessa: I tried to start with just one, but…

Andrew: Virginia’s not gone, as long as we remember her.
Vanessa: Or resurrect her.
Andrew: Or remember her.

William: There’s probably enough of her DNA in here to clone her.

Vanessa: So, do you actually want to marry me?
Andrew: I do!
Vanessa: And live together with me? In the Vale?
Andrew: I d-

Andrew: Not that last part.

Vanessa: Are you asking me to run away with you?
Andrew: Walk away, more like. I don’t have a lot of runs left in me.

Vanessa: It’s so hot that you don’t have the runs.

Andrew: I’m old, but I’m regular.

Vanessa: Whose ashes?

Could be anybody, honestly.

William: THREE.


William: THREE raccoons.



Andrew: You want to grab that flame jet?
Vanessa: No, I think I’ll leave the fire behind me.

William: It won’t do you the same courtesy, trust me.

Next time: graduation.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 27 January 2013 to 28 January 2013.

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