The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 487

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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In which knowledge is gained.

Vanessa: But first, the university gets to know my wallet.

Andrew: Hey, Brooke.
Brooke: How do you know my name?
Andrew: I don’t. I just assume all townies are named “Brooke” now.

Vanessa: It usually works out.

Vanessa: What’ll that be, Brooke?
Cheryl:
Vanessa: What’s wrong, Brooke?

Andrew: Loving the new look!
Vanessa: It wasn’t supposed to work, apparently.
Andrew: What?
Vanessa: He didn’t show me changing into it.

Andrew: Good ol’ Past Grugly. Bad at taking pics and bad at judging chicks!

Sounds more like bad ol’ Past Grugly.

Vanessa: This is a much different experience when you’re rich.
Andrew: The only thing the rich experience the same as the poor is the desire to become richer.

Andrew: Because you can never have enough frilly garbage.

Andrew: Or filly grabage!

Andrew: I dunno, it’s the hormones talking.

Vanessa: Bring them closer.

Vanessa: I want to talk to them directly.

Vanessa: Alright, nearly got this dialled in.

Vanessa: Do I look alright?

Yes.

Vanessa: Do I look like anyone else?

Not really.

Vanessa: DON’T TOUCH THAT DIAL!

Vanessa: Hey baby, rectify your error.

Vanessa: Get it?
Andrew: Because you nearly grabbed my-
Vanessa: BECAUSE I NEARLY GRABBED YOUR RECTUM

Vanessa: Rectum Ralph.
Andrew: No.
Vanessa: Just putting that out there.
Andrew: Put it BACK.

Andrew: Get it?
Vanessa: Because…
Andrew: Because the rectum is-
Vanessa: Oh. On the back. Right. It isn’t, though.


Vanessa: Did you ever go here?
Andrew: I don’t think anybody did.

Don and Kaylynn.

Andrew: Right, so nobody.

Vanessa: A table for myself and this sexual flutterfly, if you please?

Andrew: How come all the seats are outside, anyway?

That’s a long story.

It’ll cover several captions.

I am SO in.

I started Pine Valley when I was at grad school for the first time, doing my first master’s degree.

Vanessa: How many-

Two.

I needed two, to cover all the mastery I have.

Anyway I started this story in the summer, when I was going down to the university’s pub with my friends a lot. It didn’t look anything like this place.

Vanessa: All good glimpses of the future or the past should be confusing.

Well, since it was summer, and they had such a great patio, we always ate and drank there instead of in the voluminous interior. That’s why this place only has a patio, and no volume.

Although the volume was quite high, at the real pub.

Andrew: He’s only been waiting nine years to uncork that story.

Nikki: I’m not holding this gigantic pen for no reason, you know.

Andrew: I’ll have-
Vanessa: She’s gone, bro.

Vanessa: Just eat what she brought you.
Andrew: But-
Vanessa: BEFORE THE CHARLATAN TAKES IT

Andrew: Oh, good, I get some of yours too.

Andrew: One-point-one meals for the price of one.

Vanessa: The price of two. I told them you’d pay.
Andrew: You RAT.

Andrew: Marry me.

Vanessa: Here’s to regrets!
Andrew: Here’s to hammerspace goblets!

poof

Andrew: Not at all bizarre.

Vanessa: Here’s to new beginnings!
Caryl: Here’s to awkward lingerings!

The Intriguing Charlatan: I’ll drink, or eat your food, to that.

Andrew: Get your own plate of shaving cream.

Vanessa: So, was that a real marriage proposal?
Andrew: Oh, I’d never make a real one.

Andrew: I’m afraid of rejection. I can only ask for things I want ironically.

I wonder where you get that from.

Andrew: I love being a hangup dumpster.

Vanessa: I think you made a friend.

Vanessa: Don’t you just love the ambience here?
Andrew: Yeah, it’s like we’re slave owners in a featureless wasteland.

Andrew: Seriously, I wish they’d stop hovering over us.
Vanessa: Got white guilt, have you?
Andrew: I’m having a softly-lit mousse in a suit. This is practically a crime against humanity.

Vanessa: I keep forgetting you guys aren’t as good at being rich as us guys.

Vanessa: If you’re feeling too bougie, you could let the Charlatan drain your bank account.
Caryl: Oh, he’d LOVE that!

Vanessa: How about a drink?
Andrew: I’m still hungry.

Vanessa: How about a roll, then?

Andrew: Now you’re talkin’.

Andrew: Now you’re talkin’.
Vanessa: I heard you through the window, before they bricked it up apparently.

Vanessa: Oh! Dad!
Andrew: Hey Neil.
Neil: How much are you paying her?
Andrew: What?
Neil: To impersonate my dead daughter.

Vanessa: It’s actually me, dad.
Neil: …can I pay you, too? For parties?

Vanessa: I guess maybe an “I’m not dead anymore!” card would’ve been a good idea.

Neil: Huh. It is you.
Vanessa: I honestly don’t think this is an identity anyone would want very much to steal, so, yeah.

Neil: Who wouldn’t want to be one of my daughters?
Vanessa: One of your daughters, for starters.

Neil: Possibly all of them.


Andrew: “STUDENT HOUSING”?
Vanessa: Look up the actual address, you lazy asshole.

If it ain’t on the wall, it don’t exist.

Andrew: Better a lazy asshole than an uptight one.

Vanessa: Gross.

Andrew: So…
Vanessa: I lived in one of these, when I was Poppy.
Andrew: This one?
Vanessa: I dunno, I couldn’t even tell them apart back then.

Andrew: Speaking of back.

Vanessa: Oh, you checkin’ my rectum?
Andrew: Fuck off.

Andrew: Baby.

Vanessa: I’d rather get my fuck on.

Vanessa: Baby.

Vanessa: This bringing back any memories for you?
Andrew: Basically all my memories were of my dorm.
Vanessa: Which one were you in, again?
Andrew: The one that’s currently called Murphy Hall.
Vanessa: …yes. That does make sense.

Vanessa: Is there a Sharpe Hall?
Andrew: Yes.
Vanessa: Is it the one where I died?
Andrew: No, it’s the one where your brother fucked half of his cohort.
Vanessa: …yes. That does make sense.

Vanessa: We’ll have to check your dorm out.
Andrew: What if someone’s in there?
Vanessa: We’ll have to gross your dorm out.

Andrew: I’ve got all sorts of ideas.

Andrew: And getting more all the time.
Vanessa: Okay, you’re laying it on a bit thick, now, buddy.
Andrew: I’d like to lay thick in you!

Vanessa: whaaat

Vanessa: Okay, you’re running a fever.
Andrew: For you!
Vanessa: Yes.

Vanessa: Chemistry check, please!

Two bolts.

Vanessa: YOU’RE FARTING ALL THOSE HEARTS FOR ONLY TWO BOLTS?!

Andrew: They feel like three, with the wind chill.

Vanessa: Walter Windchill.
Andrew: Stop it.


Ally: NO TIME HAS PASSED
Bambi: BUT I DIDN’T EXIST BACK THEN
Ally: I’LL RETCON YOU INTO MY BACKSTORY IF YOU LET ME GRAB YOUR BOOB
Bambi: YOU ALREADY GRABBED MY BOOB
Ally: I’VE ALREADY RECONNED YOUR AGREEMENT IN

Andrew: On second thought, let’s not go here. ’tis a silly place.

Andrew: How many weirdoes?
Vanessa: I dunno, these fixed camera angles are tough.
Gargly Voice: RESIDENT EEEVILLL

…apparently this is the spot where I make my Resident Evil jokes.

Vanessa: “Jokes.”

Alright, references.

Vanessa: You’d think something so big would have more polygons.

Yeah, like your brother’s dick.

Andrew: It’s not nice to spring a girl’s brother’s dick on her like that.

Vanessa: So, feeling nostalgic?
Andrew: What, for your brother’s-
Vanessa: Fuck off.

Andrew: My memories of this place are mixed.
Vanessa: So, let’s mix up some new ones.

Andrew: We’ve got some fine ingredients.

Andrew: How ’bout them apples.

Vanessa: They’re pretty standard.
Andrew: With emphasis on the pretty.

You just like that outfit because it reminds you of Chelsea’s old one.

Vanessa: YOU TOLD ME IT WAS UNIQUE YOU BASTARD

Vanessa: Man, it’s almost like we can’t trust our capricious and randomly-cruel creator!

Andrew: Did you clear the riffraff out?

Yeah, I cast them into the abyss of temporary nonexistence.

Andrew: That sounds nice. I might like to visit there sometime.

Andrew: You know, there’s not a lot of call for a university at this point in the story.
Vanessa: What are you thinking?
Andrew: All your talk about us being rich white folk has me in a real-estate frame of mind.

Vanessa: If you want me to buy a dorm, I’m gonna need at least several hours of levity from you.

Andrew: I don’t know if I have several hours of levity left in me, to be honest.

Vanessa: Don’t be honest.
Andrew: You don’t like honesty?
Vanessa: Not with what there is to be honest about, I don’t.

Andrew: That was some seriously tortured grammar.
Vanessa: If you can’t make the language sing, at least make it groan!

I re-took this pic to centre the figures better.

And then went with the original.

Because art.

Andrew: He thinks this is art.
Vanessa: It’s artificial, anyway.

THOSE MEAN THE SAME THING YOU KNOW

Fucking Roger Ebert and video games not being art.

“Art” isn’t subjective.

If you can ask “Is ____ art?” the answer is YES.

I’m glad he’s-

Andrew: HEY.

…I was gonna say “not reviewing movies anymore.”

Vanessa: Sure you were.

Celeste: So you FINALLY show up to mealtime!

Celeste: You’ll have to eat in your OWN dorm, young lady.

Vanessa: I think she’s crazy.
Andrew: So, that hasn’t changed.

Celeste: I’m sending your parents a very stern telegram about this.

Andrew: Okay, she might be a bit crazier, now.

But not crazy enough to be thinking about cafeteria workers when a hot chick is making out with her, I bet.

Vanessa: He called me a hot chick!
Andrew: He’s kinda biased, though.

Vanessa: YOU ARE SO TACTLESS

Andrew: Girls don’t give caresses to guys who aren’t messes!

Vanessa: Girls don’t bare cooches to guys who are douches, though.

Andrew: MANIFESTLY UNTRUE.

Andrew: This is my old room.
Vanessa: What did you do in here?
Andrew: I didn’t do in here. I was done in here.

Celeste: You’re done in there already? I’ll send the cleaners in.

Vanessa: Better lock the door.
Andrew: Yeah, we don’t want any company.
Vanessa: Any interruptions, more like.

Andrew: What’s wrong?
Vanessa: Feeling angruilty.

Vanessa: Or maybe guilangry.

Andrew: Mine.

Vanessa: Are you cheating on me with a door?

Andrew: This door and I go way back, Vanessa.

More so in an alternate continuity.

Vanessa: Ew, I touched that thing.

THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

Vanessa: No, what she said was COME AND GET IT!

Andrew: Chelsea started with a blowjob.

Vanessa: We’re here to correct our mistakes, not re-create hers.

Andrew: I wouldn’t characterize anything Chelsea does sexually as a mistake, precisely.

Andrew: But alright, girls don’t do sexes when you talk about your exes, so.

Andrew: Let’s do sexes.

Vanessa: Let’s do SEXIESTS!

Vanessa: …it’s day outside?
Andrew: Yeah, we’ve been fucking for a while now.
Vanessa: It’s raining, inside.
Andrew: Yeah, I didn’t have a condom.

Sorry, I backed through the wall there.

Andrew: I am also backing through a wall.

Andrew: I HOPE YOU DIDN’T LIKE THIS DRESS

Andrew: THIS INEXPLICABLY YELLOW-NOW DRESS

The reasoning is lost to the ages.

Andrew: Like our virginities.

Vanessa: I DIDN’T LIKE OUR VIRGINITIES

Did you like Virginia?

Vanessa: DON’T DEAD SISTER UP MY SEXING!

Vanessa: …you’re… actually pretty good at this.
Andrew: Michael…?
Vanessa: Hahaha hell no.

Brandi: My blackmail material sense is going nuts right now.

Vanessa: Want me to go nuts?

Andrew: Well, sure, but don’t make a special trip or anything.

Vanessa: Bet I can out-blow Chelsea.
Andrew: I’ll refuse to comment, either way.

Andrew: I like your hair better than her hat.

I like Vanessa’s nose better than Chelsea’s nose.

Andrew: Yeah, it’s longer, so it tickles more.

That’s what she said.

Vanessa: All done.
Andrew: A guy can pretend, can’t he?

Bleuch.

Vanessa: Good thing sperm isn’t real.

Andrew: What’re you thinking about?
Vanessa: We’ll never know.

Vanessa: So, what now?
Andrew: How about a sweet, sweet chapter-ending?

Vanessa: You mean…?
Andrew: WE’RE MULTI-CHAPTERING THIS BITCH!

Brandi: This is the chessboard where the Lillard Manoeuvre was devised.
Vanessa: What’s the Lillard Manoeuvre?

Brandi: A very effective form of psychological warfare.

Vanessa: Do you miss Melanie?
Andrew: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Vanessa: So…
Andrew: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Vanessa: They’ve flown the coop.
Brandi: That’s alright, their playable gravity will draw us along with them.

Vanessa: Alright suckers, we’re loading another lot!
Vanessa: I was kinda hoping to finish this game, though.
Vanessa: DON’T MAKE ME BE OVER THERE!

Next time: the next best thing to a retcon.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 27 January 2013.

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