The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 485

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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In which down, down, way underground you go, my lad!

Marco: Don’t call me “lad.”

It’s from The Hobbit.

Marco: Don’t call me things from things.

Marco: ♪ Don’t call me baby, anymore ♪

Why.

Marco: I dunno, you made me do it.

Marco: Hey, apparently it’s super difficult to scrub several years of hole-digging out of a suit.

Marco: Not so difficult? Scrubbing several centuries of dirt into a hole.

Marco: Especially with all the holing practice I’ve gotten in, recently.

Marco: Welcome to my hole.

Marco: ♪ A hole new worrrrld ♪

Marco: What is wrong with me today?

Marco: It’s a day for bad decisions.

Marco: BAD SMELLING DECISIONS

Nanette: You don’t like the smell of sulfur?

Marco: Nobody does.

Nanette: What do you want NOW? I was just getting used to my mortal uncoiling.

Marco: The same thing I wanted before, Nanny. The same thing everyone wants.

Nanette: Holes.

Elle: Hey, neat, a hole! Everyone wants one!

Elle: Heh. A hole. A-hole.

Yes.

Both.

Marco: My name is Don Macarevich, and I’ll be your a-hole this morning!

Elle: The subscription says “Marco Vendachi.”
Marco: Just think! If I’d said that, too, you wouldn’t have to die!

Marco: Thank you for the reminder to put up a fence.

CRACK

Marco: And an offensive.

Marco: Not that anyone around here needs encouragement to be offensive.

Marco: Fensive, though, yes.

Marco: Ooh, nice kicks! Stealing those.

Nanette: I’m sure I could dig up something better.

Marco: WHY

Because this is technically indoors.

Marco: WHY

Marco: Do you know, I almost installed a fire alarm, out of habit? Now that would’ve been an awkward encounter.

Nanette: This place was built for awkward encounters.

Nanette: Welcome to the dirt mines, kid.

Elle: Welcome to characterhood, more like.

Elle: Big eyes, big lips… I’m workable.

Elle: Lose the Maxis hair and I’m set!

…you actually are!

So as long as you’re set, and assuming you’re ready…

Elle: Yeah, yeah, I’m going.

Marco: I’m going too. Going to puke!

Elle: You eat what you are.

Elle: I’m gonna have to be a door, if I wanna get out of here.

Elle: I don’t wanna be a door. Or eat one!

Elle: I have no idea what I’m talking about.

Kevin Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Warlock: WHY are we here, again?
Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Welcome wagon!
Kevin Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Warlock: NOUNS AREN’T EXPLANATIONS

Elle: I don’t wanna be a zombie.
Nanette: Better than being a door.

Nanette: Now OPEN UP!

Marco: I wonder how expensive electrification is.

Marco: Hi! I’m up to nothing nefarious!
Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Explains why you’re in this field!

Marco: I do not want to fuck you.
Kevin Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Warlock: Well that’s a relief.

Marco: I want to fuck her.
Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: I am not relieved.

Marco: But you’ve relieved me! Of my heart.
Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Oh! That’s the most romantic thing I’ve heard in my several days of life!

Nanette: It’s official. I am the worst zombie.

Marco: You’ve got a pretty good bu-

Stop.

Marco: For only being a day

STOP

YOU DON’T KNOW

Marco: Are you… like… a teenager, or something?
Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Think of me as a babe in the woods.

Marco: That’s not much of a stretch.

Marco: Let me give you much of a stretch, woods babe!

Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Oh no, the nonsense captions are back.

Oh, YES! The nonsense captions are back! Baby.

Marco: So hey, ever been blown up?

Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: What kind of criminal are you?

Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: The smooth kind, one hopes?

Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: But judging by your head, I’d guess blunt.

Marco: Hey baby, let me… um… something about blunt, in relation to penises.

Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: I can’t in good conscience let him reproduce.

Marco: It’s not like you can stop me from reproducing.
Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: You’d be surprised what I have spells for.

Marco: Hey, baby, set a spell.

Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: That phrase would be more appropriate if you had any furniture of any sort.

Marco: I left all my furniture back at my… big house.

Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: HAHAHA THAT SOUNDED MEANINGFUL

Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: HAHAHA I’M BANGING MY HEAD

Marco: HAHAHA I’M BANGING YOUR HEAD

Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Hey baby, want head and banging?

Marco: Make that bangin’ head, and you’ve got a deal.

Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: I don’t know what any of this means.

Marco: You’re weird.

Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: You have NO idea.

Marco: That does sound like me.

!

Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: What?

♪ WHY DON’T WE BREW IT IN THE ROAD ♪

Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: *sigh*

Elle: SIGH

Marco: Man, wasting all this space makes me feel so rich.

Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: INTERRUPTING THIS WORKING MAN MAKES ME FEEL RICH AS WELL

Nanette: Life’s pretty full down here, too.

Marco: I could fill it further.

Marco: Not all of it. Some of it, but not all of it.

Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: I lost sight of you back there for a moment.
Marco: That’s very comforting, honestly.

Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: I don’t have x-ray vision. I do have sparkle vision.

Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Total sparkle control, in fact.

Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Magus Mutatio.
Marco: No, my name’s Don.

Marco: I MEAN MARCO

Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Pleased to make your acquaintance, and your magic, Don Marco the Mean.

Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: I hope you don’t mind me casting you a spell you can’t refuse.

Don Marco the Mean: I feel like I might mind, actually.

Don Marco the Mean: But hey, thank you for giving me power under you.

Don Marco the Mean: Poink!

Don Marco the Mean: Power over and under you!

Don Marco the Mean: Get under me.

Don Marco the Mean: Especially if you’re married.

Marco: I’ve got a lot of adultering to go before I can compete with the champs.

Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Champing at the bit, huh?
Don Marco the Mean: That sentence makes my penis ache.

Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: I promise not to champ your bit.
Don Marco the Mean: A hundred years or so from now, I believe, a famous novelist will write a classic using that theme. He’ll recommend those seven words. Even over “how much wood could a woodchuck chuck.”

Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: If a woodchuck could chuck wood.
Don Marco the Mean: Chuck my wood, baby.

Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: You witch.

Don Marco the Mean: That was a good one.

Don Marco the Mean: Hey, what’s the spell for sidewalk-melting?

Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: HOW DOES KISSING

Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: LIKE THIS

Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: LIKE THIIIIIS

Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: LIKE THISSSSssssmmmmp.

Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: That was nice.
Don Marco the Mean: I would’ve gone with naughty.

Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: I have to admit, I’m tempted.
Don Marco the Mean: I have been attempting to tempt you.

Meanwhile, other attempts are going less well.

Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: So, what’re you gonna build in this field?
Don Marco the Mean: The future.
Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: What kind of future?
Don Marco the Mean: My kind of future.

Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: I like your confidence.
Don Marco the Mean: I like it too.

Nanette: I hate to say it, Elle, but I think our economic system is no longer sustainable.

Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Let’s go make out in the field.
Don Marco the Mean: It’s not a field, it’s a sinkhole. That’s why it’s fenced off.
Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Let’s go sink in your hole.

Don Marco the Mean: That would only be a LITTLE sexy if I said it. From you it’s just gross.

Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: I’m still new at this “romance” stuff.
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: How are you at death and cynicism?

Nanette: I’M PRETTY GOOD AT THEM

Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: OW! Why?!
Don Marco the Mean: It’s SEXY!
Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: I reiterate: WHY?!

Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Do you always answer questions with kisses?
Don Marco the Mean: Just the ones I can’t answer otherwise.

Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: You look ridiculous.
Don Marco the Mean: So ridicule me! I’ve got thick skin.

Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: What else do you have that’s thick?

Marco: I’ll show you, if you repeat your promise not to champ it.

Elle: I’m beginning to wonder why characterhood is such a good thing.

Marco: Man, I almost told her my evil plan.

You wouldn’t have that problem if you didn’t have an evil plan.

Don Marco the Mean: The unplanned life isn’t worth evilling.

Don Marco the Mean: I might need to start carrying a mirror with me.

Elle: YESSSS! Water them! Tomorrow, we eat!

Nanette: SOME OF US ARE EATING TODAY

Elle: Eating shit, you mean.

Elle: Shit in a PIT!

Don Marco the Mean: The Charnel Pit, specifically.

Don Marco the Mean: That’s my address, for mail, deliveries and such.

Nanette: Oh, hey, I just got fired.
Elle: I wonder which of the dozens of good reasons they picked?

Next time: a direct sequel to Chapter Eleven.

We move at lightning speed around here, folks.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 20 January 2013.

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