Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates every damn day!
In which this one is long because those ones were short.
Elle: DOES THAT MEAN YOU’RE HORNY FOR SHORTIES?!
Meanwhile Bambi had a Want to look like a fucking pig.
Elle: Artful hair/nipple arrangement!
Elijah: Am I a character?
Elijah: Are you sure?
It took me a second to remember your name, and I still don’t remember if I even established it yet.
Xavier: Am I a character?
Somehow, you are.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Obviously I’m not going to ask.
Bambi: Yeah, a whole parade of them, checkin’ in and out. Dunno what they want.
Bambi: No, probably not my “love lumps.” Ew?
Bambi: I don’t date my employers.
Neil: I’m not your employer anymore.
Bambi: I don’t date you.
Bambi: Then again, that’s a simple I/O matter, isn’t it?
You’re going on a date with Neil?
Bambi: Actually, I’m coming on a date with Neil. Hopefully.
Elle: She’s crazy.
Bambi: BAM! Dicksmash.
Bambi: It’s easier than convincing you to put it back in your pants.
Bambi: Welcome to my humble abode!
Neil: Nothing with columns is humble.
Bambi: WHY HE SO OLD
I honestly don’t know how he got that way.
Bambi: You’ve been murdered a few times, right?
Neil: Was it only a few?
Neil: Yellow wallpaper.
Neil: Your insane asylum has yellow wallpaper.
Neil: CAN’T YOU CLICK HYPERLINKS
Bambi: BAM! No.
Elle: Feeding time, Mr. Porcelain!
Elle: Mouth-watering, isn’t it?!
Neil: Hahaha! Crazytown.
Neil: How did you get this sweet setup, anyway?
Bambi: Maker was bored.
That was pretty much it.
Bambi: You should see what he’s doing in the next chapter.
Neil: I will! Tomorrow.
Bambi: I could just tell you now.
Neil: More conversation would move this date in the wrong direction, in my opinion.
Bambi: We were terrible prison guards, eh.
Neil: The absolute worst.
Neil: Enough jaw.
Neil: More tongue.
Neil: Orrrr you could flex your… nose-muscle?!
Neil: I love me an eldbitch abomination!
Eldbitch abominations love holding you up while you kiss them.
Bambi: I thought you were gonna FAINT!
Neil: I thought I was gonna COME!
Neil: Hahaha, sorry.
Bambi: No, it’s fine! You can talk about it, just don’t do it.
Neil: Don’t worry, I have a very swift recovery rate.
It did this the other day, actually.
In fucking APRIL.
You know what they say! April snow brings May…
Neil: Nailed it.
Bambi: Now it’s your turn.
Bambi: Nail it, yes.
Elle: Where’d your green friend go?
Elle: ‘cuz he was green.
Bambi: He went in his pants, so he went.
Bambi: I guess I need to find someone with better staying power!
Elle: I’ve stayed here the entire time!
Bambi: Woo! Yeah! Jazzhands party!
Bambi: I’m not dating you.
Elle: Why not? If my Aspiration points come back, I’ll be cured, right?
Bambi: There’s nothing in my psychology books about the curative effects of total ethical meltdown.
Elle: You could write a new book!
Bambi: Yes, and title it Why I Should Be Arrested.
Elle: I would write the fuck out of that foreword.
Bambi: There’s got to be SOMETHING in here that will help.
There doesn’t, actually.
Bambi: Okay, I want there to be something in here that will help.
And in my experience, wanting something is the opposite of that something being likely to happen.
Elle: YOUR EXPERIENCE SUCKS
Bambi: Who’s sucking?
Bambi: So, Neil dropped off this stereo? You can have it.
Elle: Oh boy! I’ve never had stereo before!
Elle: I’ve had mono before, but never stereo!
She left her psych book.
Elle: I’m pretty psyched about it.
Elle: So, I was thinking.
Bambi: Yeah, that’s kinda the problem.
Elle: Some fresh air might do me good!
Bambi: Oh, yes, let’s revert to Victorian methodology, shall we?
Bambi: If I let you out, and you escape, I’d never be able to find you.
Elle: Okay! Let’s do that.
Bambi: Come with me.
Elle: Like Neil did?
Elle: What’s THIS?
Bambi: Your rest cure.
Bambi: So you can see why they don’t work.
Elle: Is it the snow?
Elle: Because yeah, the snow’s not helping.
Bambi: You want back in already, girl?
Elle: Don’t play with me like that.
Bambi: How do you want me to play with you, then?
Elle: Give me a garden outside!
Bambi: Ew. No.
Bambi: That’s not the real reason.
What’s the real reason?
Bambi: I don’t like being outside.
Why don’t you like being outside?
Bambi: Because my name is BAMBI, and you’re YOU, and I just KNOW you’re waiting to have a hunter accidentally shoot me. As a JOKE.
You’re already enough of a joke as it is, though.
Bambi: That’s true.
Elle: If I barf in here, can I keep it for later?
Bambi: Don’t make me go outside.
Bambi: “For outside you have to creep on the ground, and everything is green instead of yellow.”
♪ You shouldn’t fuck with witches ♪
♪ But there was no-one to warn her ♪
♪ So now she’s on her tea-kettle ♪
♪ At a desolate corner ♪
Ivy: Where am I?
Just outside Cloverton.
Ivy: LOW-GRADE VACATION!
Ivy: Man! Kicked out of my own house.
Ivy: Magikicked out of my own house.
Ivy: Oh well, let’s see if I can’t dig up a new one.
Ivy: Yep! I can’t.
I have a sneaking, sneaking suspicion that this might be government land, Ivy.
Ivy: Sneaking is for losers.
Ivy: The wind does a passable Xavier impression around here.
Ivy: You came!
Xavier: In Shiloh. Yes.
Ivy: I’ll ignore that. So hey! Like my observatory? Built it myself.
Xavier: You’re my best bullshitter.
Ivy: BAM! Running joke!
Ivy: You didn’t actually fuck Shiloh, though, right?
Xavier: I actually did.
Ivy: But not really.
Ivy: In fact?
Xavier: In vagina.
Xavier: FUCKED HER RIGHT GOOD
Xavier: Personally if I got my girlfriend murdered and all she did was fuck another dude I’d count myself pretty goddamn lucky!
Ivy: So, let’s talk about what a huge slut you are.
Xavier: You have planet-sized balls.
Xavier: I’ve moved on. Shiloh and I are very happy! You can go be with your murder-wizard now.
Ivy: That’s hardly sustainable.
Ivy: It was a moment of weakness!
Xavier: It was a moment of evil.
Xavier: Invite me to the wedding! I’ll call the cops on it.
Ivy: Yeah, call the cops on the murder wizard. That’ll end well.
no great loss either way
Xavier: He’s really bucking for that arrest, isn’t he?
Ivy: He’s a real bucker, alright.
Ivy: Please forgive me.
Xavier: Would you settle for being forgotten?
Or flying stopsigns?
Xavier: This shouldn’t be happening.
Ivy: Yeah, the signs are malfunctioning.
Xavier: No, I mean you and me.
Ivy: Yeah, we’re dysfunctioning.
Ivy: ♪ Why don’t we do it in the road? ♪
Xavier: ♪ Why don’t we do it in the road? ♪
Ivy: ♪ Why don’t we do it in the ro-oo-oad?! ♪
Xavier: ♪ Why don’t we DO it in the road? ♪
Xavier: ♪ No-one will be… watching us? ♪
Ivy: ♪ Why, don’t we, do it in, the road. ♪
I wish that was the worst Beatles song.
But there’s Birthday.
Ivy: ♪ YOU SAY IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY ♪
Ivy: ♪ WELL IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO YEAH ♪
Xavier: Yeah, I cannot road-fuck to that.
Ivy: We cool now?
Xavier: We’re hot, at the very least.
Ivy: Why did we do it in the road?
Xavier: Why didn’t we wait until the sun had warmed it up a bit, at least?
Okay, so far she can afford two walls and… a mirror?
Ivy: It’s so I can see how happy I am to have the two walls.
Ivy: Or make kissy-faces at myself to pretend I didn’t just get dumped.
Ivy: OR AM I NOT PRETENDING
Xavier: I dunno. It’s hard to say I dumped you when we just had road-sex.
Xavier: Then again, I don’t know if I can be with someone as obviously unlucky as you.
Xavier: Then again again, cleaning up messes would be something to occupy my time!
Xavier: However tiny amount of that I might have left.
Ivy: I won’t let anyone hurt you.
Xavier: Except you.
Uma: Well duh. You can’t take that away from a girl.
Ivy: XAVIER! Oh, XAVIER!
Xavier: Just a second! I’m in the half-room!
Ivy: I didn’t want to drop a house on you.
Ivy: Because you’re not a wicked witch.
Xavier: That could be the nicest thing you’ve ever said about me.
Ivy: Yeah, time spent saying nice things about people is time you don’t get back.
Ivy: There’s a joke to be made here about how I’ve “got back,” but I’m too wet to think it through right now.
Xavier: Wet, you say.
Ivy: I do say.
Xavier: I don’t hate you!
Ivy: I do!
Ivy: Not enough to want to punish myself like this, though.
I’m glad you guys are comfortable with each other.
Ivy: Or at least, comfortable with making each other uncomfortable!
What is that hooked up to?
Ivy: You saw the geysers.
What if that’s a sewage pipe, though?
Ivy: Then someone’s flushing an awful lot of soap.
Ivy: He’s watching me, right?
Ivy: Oh, he’s gay?
Xavier: Maybe I just don’t like seeing my aunt’s ass?
Ex-aunt. And sure, she has Abigail’s skintone. But you have Ember’s.
Xavier: Yes, but it’s not like she has a cock.
Ivy: Ember? Ember’s got all of the cocks.
Ivy: And I have all of the rocks!
You shouldn’t start a sentence with “And I” because it makes me almost type “And IIIIIIIIIII WILL ALWAYS LOOOOOVE YOOUUUUUOUOUOUOUOH”
Ivy: Yes, you’re right, I don’t want that.
Ivy: Nor do I particularly want a map to the Pagoda in the Shadows, but, hey.
Ivy: It’s free directions to real estate.
Truly, I have reached the pinnacle of modded Sims.
(He’s clearly pissing on the tank, btw.)
Xavier: WHY CHEAT FOR PEE COCKS
Xavier: Aw MAN! “Pee cocks”! That deserved a MUCH better setup.
Xavier: You know who doesn’t deserve a much better setup?
Because she doesn’t deserve it, she got it.
Ivy: Our world’s becoming more real all the time.
Xavier: I LOVE YOU YOU BITCH
Xavier: …I took the bus for this?!
Ivy: Want some cold dogs?
Ivy: They’re fro-zen!
Xavier: Mmm, they smell uncooked!
Ivy: They taste like shattered teeth.
Ivy: And shattered dreams.
Ivy: And shat.
I’m not doing a newspaper with half a dozen pics left!
Ivy: I’m glad you’re not married to the idea of producing quality content.
Just for that, you get floor-bed.
Ivy: Just means I’ve got nowhere to go but up!
Ivy: Speaking of butt-up.
Ivy: Oh, wow! Muscles suck.
Better than suckin’ muscles.
Ivy: My suckin’ muscles rock!
But how are your rock-suckin’ muscles?
Next time: digging a hole where the rain gets in.
This chapter depicts gameplay from 6 to 7 January 2013.