The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 484

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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In which this one is long because those ones were short.


Meanwhile Bambi had a Want to look like a fucking pig.

Elle: Artful hair/nipple arrangement!

Elijah: Am I a character?


Elijah: Are you sure?

It took me a second to remember your name, and I still don’t remember if I even established it yet.

Xavier: Am I a character?

Somehow, you are.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Obviously I’m not going to ask.

Bambi: Yeah, a whole parade of them, checkin’ in and out. Dunno what they want.

Bambi: No, probably not my “love lumps.” Ew?

Bambi: I don’t date my employers.
Neil: I’m not your employer anymore.
Bambi: I don’t date you.

Bambi: Then again, that’s a simple I/O matter, isn’t it?

You’re going on a date with Neil?

Bambi: Actually, I’m coming on a date with Neil. Hopefully.

Elle: She’s crazy.

He’s classy.

Neil: OW

Bambi: BAM! Dicksmash.
Neil: WHY

Bambi: It’s easier than convincing you to put it back in your pants.

Bambi: Welcome to my humble abode!
Neil: Nothing with columns is humble.


I honestly don’t know how he got that way.

Bambi: You’ve been murdered a few times, right?
Neil: Was it only a few?

Neil: Yellow wallpaper.
Bambi: Yeah?
Neil: Your insane asylum has yellow wallpaper.
Bambi: Yeah?

Bambi: BAM! No.

Elle: Feeding time, Mr. Porcelain!

Elle: Mouth-watering, isn’t it?!

Neil: Hahaha! Crazytown.

Neil: How did you get this sweet setup, anyway?
Bambi: Maker was bored.

That was pretty much it.

Bambi: You should see what he’s doing in the next chapter.
Neil: I will! Tomorrow.

Bambi: I could just tell you now.
Neil: More conversation would move this date in the wrong direction, in my opinion.

Bambi: We were terrible prison guards, eh.

Neil: The absolute worst.

Neil: Enough jaw.

Neil: More tongue.

Neil: Orrrr you could flex your… nose-muscle?!

Neil: I love me an eldbitch abomination!

Eldbitch abominations love holding you up while you kiss them.

Bambi: I thought you were gonna FAINT!
Neil: I thought I was gonna COME!

Neil: Hahaha, sorry.
Bambi: No, it’s fine! You can talk about it, just don’t do it.

Bambi: Yet.

Neil: Don’t worry, I have a very swift recovery rate.

It did this the other day, actually.

In fucking APRIL.

You know what they say! April snow brings May…


Neil: Nailed it.

Bambi: Now it’s your turn.

Neil: To…
Bambi: Nail it, yes.

Elle: Where’d your green friend go?

Elle: ‘cuz he was green.

Bambi: He went in his pants, so he went.

Bambi: I guess I need to find someone with better staying power!
Elle: I’ve stayed here the entire time!

Bambi: Woo! Yeah! Jazzhands party!

Bambi: I’m not dating you.
Elle: Why not? If my Aspiration points come back, I’ll be cured, right?
Bambi: There’s nothing in my psychology books about the curative effects of total ethical meltdown.

Elle: You could write a new book!
Bambi: Yes, and title it Why I Should Be Arrested.

Elle: I would write the fuck out of that foreword.

Bambi: There’s got to be SOMETHING in here that will help.

There doesn’t, actually.

Bambi: Okay, I want there to be something in here that will help.

And in my experience, wanting something is the opposite of that something being likely to happen.


Bambi: Who’s sucking?

Bambi: So, Neil dropped off this stereo? You can have it.
Elle: Oh boy! I’ve never had stereo before!

Elle: I’ve had mono before, but never stereo!

Bambi: What.

Bambi: Ever.

She left her psych book.

Elle: I’m pretty psyched about it.

Elle: So, I was thinking.
Bambi: Yeah, that’s kinda the problem.

Elle: Some fresh air might do me good!
Bambi: Oh, yes, let’s revert to Victorian methodology, shall we?

Bambi: If I let you out, and you escape, I’d never be able to find you.
Elle: Okay! Let’s do that.

Bambi: Come with me.
Elle: Like Neil did?

Elle: What’s THIS?
Bambi: Your rest cure.

Bambi: So you can see why they don’t work.

Elle: Is it the snow?

Elle: Because yeah, the snow’s not helping.

Bambi: You want back in already, girl?

Elle: Don’t play with me like that.
Bambi: How do you want me to play with you, then?

Elle: Give me a garden outside!
Bambi: Ew. No.
Elle: What?
Bambi: Ants.

Bambi: That’s not the real reason.

What’s the real reason?

Bambi: I don’t like being outside.

Why don’t you like being outside?

Bambi: Because my name is BAMBI, and you’re YOU, and I just KNOW you’re waiting to have a hunter accidentally shoot me. As a JOKE.

You’re already enough of a joke as it is, though.

Bambi: That’s true.

Sour dreams!

Sour milk.

Elle: If I barf in here, can I keep it for later?

Bambi: Don’t make me go outside.


Bambi: “For outside you have to creep on the ground, and everything is green instead of yellow.”


♪ You shouldn’t fuck with witches ♪
♪ But there was no-one to warn her ♪
♪ So now she’s on her tea-kettle ♪
♪ At a desolate corner ♪


Ivy: Object!

Ivy: Where am I?

Just outside Cloverton.

Ivy: WHAT.


Ivy: Man! Kicked out of my own house.


Ivy: Magikicked out of my own house.

Ivy: Oh well, let’s see if I can’t dig up a new one.

Ivy: Yep! I can’t.

I have a sneaking, sneaking suspicion that this might be government land, Ivy.

Ivy: Sneaking is for losers.
Xavier: Aw.

Ivy: The wind does a passable Xavier impression around here.

Ivy: You came!
Xavier: In Shiloh. Yes.

Ivy: I’ll ignore that. So hey! Like my observatory? Built it myself.

Xavier: You’re my best bullshitter.

Ivy: BAM! Running joke!

Ivy: You didn’t actually fuck Shiloh, though, right?
Xavier: I actually did.
Ivy: But not really.
Xavier: Really.
Ivy: Literally.
Xavier: Literally.
Ivy: In fact?
Xavier: In vagina.


Xavier: Personally if I got my girlfriend murdered and all she did was fuck another dude I’d count myself pretty goddamn lucky!

Ivy: So, let’s talk about what a huge slut you are.

Xavier: You have planet-sized balls.

Xavier: I’ve moved on. Shiloh and I are very happy! You can go be with your murder-wizard now.

Ivy: That’s hardly sustainable.

Ivy: It was a moment of weakness!
Xavier: It was a moment of evil.

Xavier: Invite me to the wedding! I’ll call the cops on it.

Ivy: Yeah, call the cops on the murder wizard. That’ll end well.

no great loss either way

Xavier: He’s really bucking for that arrest, isn’t he?

Ivy: He’s a real bucker, alright.

Ivy: Please forgive me.
Xavier: Would you settle for being forgotten?

Or flying stopsigns?

Xavier: This shouldn’t be happening.
Ivy: Yeah, the signs are malfunctioning.
Xavier: No, I mean you and me.
Ivy: Yeah, we’re dysfunctioning.

Ivy: ♪ Why don’t we do it in the road? ♪

Xavier: ♪ Why don’t we do it in the road? ♪

Ivy: ♪ Why don’t we do it in the ro-oo-oad?! ♪

Xavier: ♪ Why don’t we DO it in the road? ♪

Xavier: ♪ No-one will be… watching us? ♪

Ivy: ♪ Why, don’t we, do it in, the road.

I wish that was the worst Beatles song.

But there’s Birthday.





Xavier: Yeah, I cannot road-fuck to that.

Ivy: We cool now?
Xavier: We’re hot, at the very least.

Ivy: Why did we do it in the road?

Xavier: Why didn’t we wait until the sun had warmed it up a bit, at least?

Okay, so far she can afford two walls and… a mirror?

Ivy: It’s so I can see how happy I am to have the two walls.

Ivy: Or make kissy-faces at myself to pretend I didn’t just get dumped.


Xavier: I dunno. It’s hard to say I dumped you when we just had road-sex.

Xavier: Then again, I don’t know if I can be with someone as obviously unlucky as you.

Xavier: Then again again, cleaning up messes would be something to occupy my time!

Xavier: However tiny amount of that I might have left.

Ivy: I won’t let anyone hurt you.
Xavier: Except you.

Uma: Well duh. You can’t take that away from a girl.

Xavier: Just a second! I’m in the half-room!

Ivy: I didn’t want to drop a house on you.

Ivy: Because you’re not a wicked witch.

Xavier: That could be the nicest thing you’ve ever said about me.

Ivy: Yeah, time spent saying nice things about people is time you don’t get back.

Ivy: There’s a joke to be made here about how I’ve “got back,” but I’m too wet to think it through right now.

Xavier: Wet, you say.

Ivy: I do say.

Xavier: I don’t hate you!
Ivy: I do!

Ivy: Not enough to want to punish myself like this, though.

I’m glad you guys are comfortable with each other.

Ivy: Or at least, comfortable with making each other uncomfortable!

What is that hooked up to?

Ivy: You saw the geysers.

What if that’s a sewage pipe, though?

Ivy: Then someone’s flushing an awful lot of soap.

Ivy: He’s watching me, right?


Ivy: Oh, he’s gay?

Xavier: Maybe I just don’t like seeing my aunt’s ass?

Ex-aunt. And sure, she has Abigail’s skintone. But you have Ember’s.

Xavier: Yes, but it’s not like she has a cock.

Ivy: Ember? Ember’s got all of the cocks.

Ivy: And I have all of the rocks!

You shouldn’t start a sentence with “And I” because it makes me almost type “And IIIIIIIIIII WILL ALWAYS LOOOOOVE YOOUUUUUOUOUOUOUOH”

Ivy: Yes, you’re right, I don’t want that.

Ivy: Nor do I particularly want a map to the Pagoda in the Shadows, but, hey.

Ivy: It’s free directions to real estate.

Truly, I have reached the pinnacle of modded Sims.

(He’s clearly pissing on the tank, btw.)


Xavier: Aw MAN! “Pee cocks”! That deserved a MUCH better setup.

Xavier: You know who doesn’t deserve a much better setup?


Xavier: Ivy.

Because she doesn’t deserve it, she got it.

Ivy: Our world’s becoming more real all the time.


Xavier: …I took the bus for this?!

Ivy: Want some cold dogs?

Ivy: They’re fro-zen!

Xavier: Mmm, they smell uncooked!

Ivy: They taste like shattered teeth.

Ivy: And shattered dreams.

Ivy: And shat.

Ivy: News!


Ivy: What?

I’m not doing a newspaper with half a dozen pics left!

Ivy: I’m glad you’re not married to the idea of producing quality content.

Just for that, you get floor-bed.

Ivy: Just means I’ve got nowhere to go but up!

Ivy: Speaking of butt-up.

Ivy: Oh, wow! Muscles suck.

Better than suckin’ muscles.

Ivy: My suckin’ muscles rock!

But how are your rock-suckin’ muscles?

Next time: digging a hole where the rain gets in.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 6 to 7 January 2013.

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