The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 481

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates every damn day!

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In which there’s space on the beach.

And in which I slightly change the name of a location because I realize its initials were KK fucking K.

Vicki: IT’S YOURS
Stephen: What?
Vicki: IF YOU WERE WONDERING
Stephen: …what?

Vicki: I guess he wasn’t wondering.

He doesn’t, often.

GODDAMIT I MISSED THE…

I can fix it, actually.

I saved extra copies of each pic in case I forgot to crop something.

And then left this mini-episode of OCD nonsense in just because I’d already started typing it, so why not.

Vicki: “Why not?” is basically the neighbourhood motto.

Except you’re not in your neighbourhood anymore.

Vicki: And yet also I am!

Vicki: And you might be asking, “Why? Why does it work like that, when this is clearly a different country, or at least a different state?

Vicki: And the answer to that is…

Why not?

Vicki: No, programming limitations.

Vicki: I can see why you thought it was the other thing, though.

Pictured: the greatest image of all time.

Vicki: Oh, do I look sexy?

Stephen: She’s a babe, alright.

I’m not really into the fertility idol look, though.

Excuse you!

Vicki: It’s my PHONE.

Why is your PHONE up your ASS?

Vicki: Because only assholes have my number.

Stephen: A number of assholes.

Vicki: I should really just change my asshole number.

Vicki: Hi, you’ve reached Vicki’s chain of asshole captions! Leave a message.

Vicki: They won’t, because they’re an asshole.

Meanwhile look at this asshole.

Stephen: There’s other things more worthy of at-looking ’round here.

Stephen: I’m not talking about her asshole.

STOP SAYING ASSHOLE

Stephen: STOP CHAINING CAPTIONS

I DON’T EVEN KNOW I’M DOING IT ANYMORE

That last chapter fucked my head right up.

Stephen: Yeah, it was the chapter that did it, alright.

Fanservice!

I’m doing it wrong.

Stephen: Okay, life, I’m begging you: one fucking suntan.

I was about to beg Past Grugly for one competent picture, but lo!

HAHAHAHA.

Stephen: I was gonna ask Past or Present Grugly how it looked, but lo!

Vicki: Either I’m gonna break my back getting up, or piss myself.

Stephen: Hey! Cool! I don’t want to be here for either of those.

Stephen: Especially since you’d probably piss yourself and break your back.

Stephen: My goal of looking the absolute douchiest has been achieved.

I remember what it felt like to achieve goals.

I did it once, decades ago.

SPLAT

Just once.

Vicki: Oh, hey, Survivor’s on.

Stephen: No, I think this is Blurry Eye for the Pixellated Guy.

Vicki: Are you trying to win a medal for long-distance television watching?

SPLAT

Vicki: Long distance LOUD television watching?!

Vicki: What was popular in 2013?

Not my journal, that’s for sure.

Vicki: We could get that result in any year.

We’ve actually got some readers lately.

Presumably because I keep updating every day.

Vicki: And giving them sparkling content like “here is a description of what I am doing right now.”

Vicki: Or “here is a character commenting on how I am describing what I am doing right now.”

Stephen: It’s enough to drive a man.

To drink?

Stephen: No, a man already drove himself that far.

Stephen: I wonder what it would be like to drive a man.

Vicki: Did you mean that sexually?
Stephen: I didn’t mean anything, it was 4AM and I was drunk.

Vicki: It’s just juice.
Stephen: Yeah, and vodka is just grains.

Vicki: OH GOD
Stephen: What?
Vicki: EVERYTHING

Stephen: …specifically, though?
Vicki: NO

Vicki: My whole sorry existence just suddenly started setting in.
Stephen: Aw, you gotta not let it do that!

Stephen: If I did, I would’ve only unleashed one, maybe two worthless progeny on the world.


Yvonne: That’s no good! We’re numbers five and six, respectively!

Or is Franklin younger?

Or does anyone care?

Yvonne: I wonder if lawyers do house calls.

Typically not trans-Pacifically.

Yvonne: Oh, yeah.

Faith: I don’t think fugitives from justice are allowed to use the justice system, anyway.

Faith: We have to appeal to forces outside the system!

Yvonne: The solar system?

Yvonne: Hey, there’s a Chuck in here. I’ve always wanted to meet a Chuck.

Chuck and Tucker.

That’s definitely something.

Faith: Come be a funnily-named duo for us!

Faith: And teach me how to pass my space cadet’s exam.

Faith: I miss computers. I really wanted to try Sunless Skies.

Faith: Maybe the genie can magic me a computer.

Tucker: Maybe I can magic your vagina!

Yvonne: I say we swap his in tube with his out tube.

Faith: Or get someone else to do it, it’s hot out here.

Faith:so hot, out here.

Tucker: You think you’re hot.

Faith: So take it off, already!
Tucker: I don’t want you to see my scrawny toned ass!

Faith: I’m gonna strike you with this bag of rocks until you tell me how you did that thing with the strikethrough.

Faith: Yvonne’s gonna invite a guy who looks like a zombie I once saw.
Tucker: Like… is that her reason?

Faith: No, her reason is that her standards are low because our lives are ruined because we ruined them.

Faith: And our dad’s. Especially our dad’s.

Faith: In fairness, he ruined ours too.

Faith: So really we’re just continuing his legacy!
Yvonne: That’s right, sis, you weave that convoluted excuse-chain!

Tucker: So, why are you two lovely ladies bumming it on a beach?
Faith: You have something better for my bum to do?

Tucker: I will pay you for bum fun.
Yvonne: Okay! Aerial bombardment it is!

Yvonne: There will be NO butt stuff in THIS story.
Tucker: That’s homophobic.
Yvonne: There will be no heterosexual butt stuff in this story!
Tucker: That’s buttphobic.

Faith: I am afraid of assholes.
Yvonne: Don’t read the first half of the chapter, then.

Faith: Welp, I still like you, I guess.
Tucker: I say that to myself in the mirror every day.

Yvonne: What?! The police chief is DEAD? Okay, yes, one of the police chiefs is dead?!
Faith: Does that mean we can go home?
Tucker: No, I don’t think your crimes against humanity resided entirely in one cop’s mind.

Faith: Ew, she’s clipping.
Tucker: YUCK! I can’t look!

Yvonne: Alright, let’s get this Chuck n’ Tucker rolling.

Yvonne: Or I guess you could pretend you have something better to do with your Maxis hair and Maxis eyes and MAXIS CLOTHES AND MAXIS FACE

Faith: Guy melted.
Tucker: Heard ’bout that.

Faith: Guys don’t typically.
Tucker: Melt.
Faith: Yeah.

Faith: Girl sloughed.
Tucker: More frequent.

Yvonne: Okay, so if ALL the cops die?
Chuck: Still wouldn’t help.

well

Yvonne: And that’s how Grugly went to jail!

Yvonne: It was worth it.

Yvonne: Right?

Yvonne: I think he actually might have gone to jail.
Faith: Don’t be ridiculous, who else would be typing this?
Yvonne:
Faith: DON’T THINK ABOUT IT

Faith: I think my dad is cosplaying as Predator on vacation.

Faith: He’s got the hair down, but not the being good at anything.

Faith: Except witnessing the death of a zombie cowboy.
Tucker: That’s a thing you can be good at?!

Yvonne: Hey CHUCK!
Chuck: I suck?
Yvonne: AWW HOW’D YOU KNOW

Tucker: Do you suck?
Faith: Depends on the hose.

Faith: But you won’t ever require that information, regardless.

Faith: Now, regard me more.

Chuck: This one’s cuter, you take the other one.

Yvonne: I say we drown them both.

Faith: I say we drown in them both!

Tucker: How would that even.

Tucker: Like my space-talk? I occasionally leave off the last.
Faith: Only marginally more irritating than some of what they say on Firefly!

♪ Take my shoes, take my pants, even take my underpants ♪

♪ It don’t matter, I’m still here, ‘cuz it’s daily update year ♪

♪ Take me out to the beach, hope you brought your mental bleach ♪

♪ Drown the townies in the sea ♪

♪ You can’t take the Sims from me ♪

Next time: devotion of the ocean.

♪ You can’t take the Sims from meeeee ♪

This chapter depicts gameplay from 5 January 2013 to 6 January 2013.

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