Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates every damn day!
In which there’s space on the beach.
And in which I slightly change the name of a location because I realize its initials were KK fucking K.
Vicki: IT’S YOURS
Vicki: IF YOU WERE WONDERING
Vicki: I guess he wasn’t wondering.
He doesn’t, often.
GODDAMIT I MISSED THE…
I can fix it, actually.
I saved extra copies of each pic in case I forgot to crop something.
And then left this mini-episode of OCD nonsense in just because I’d already started typing it, so why not.
Vicki: “Why not?” is basically the neighbourhood motto.
Except you’re not in your neighbourhood anymore.
Vicki: And yet also I am!
Vicki: And you might be asking, “Why? Why does it work like that, when this is clearly a different country, or at least a different state?“
Vicki: And the answer to that is…
Vicki: No, programming limitations.
Vicki: I can see why you thought it was the other thing, though.
Pictured: the greatest image of all time.
Vicki: Oh, do I look sexy?
Stephen: She’s a babe, alright.
I’m not really into the fertility idol look, though.
Vicki: It’s my PHONE.
Why is your PHONE up your ASS?
Vicki: Because only assholes have my number.
Stephen: A number of assholes.
Vicki: I should really just change my asshole number.
Vicki: Hi, you’ve reached Vicki’s chain of asshole captions! Leave a message.
Vicki: They won’t, because they’re an asshole.
Meanwhile look at this asshole.
Stephen: There’s other things more worthy of at-looking ’round here.
Stephen: I’m not talking about her asshole.
STOP SAYING ASSHOLE
Stephen: STOP CHAINING CAPTIONS
I DON’T EVEN KNOW I’M DOING IT ANYMORE
That last chapter fucked my head right up.
Stephen: Yeah, it was the chapter that did it, alright.
I’m doing it wrong.
Stephen: Okay, life, I’m begging you: one fucking suntan.
I was about to beg Past Grugly for one competent picture, but lo!
Stephen: I was gonna ask Past or Present Grugly how it looked, but lo!
Vicki: Either I’m gonna break my back getting up, or piss myself.
Stephen: Hey! Cool! I don’t want to be here for either of those.
Stephen: Especially since you’d probably piss yourself and break your back.
Stephen: My goal of looking the absolute douchiest has been achieved.
I remember what it felt like to achieve goals.
I did it once, decades ago.
Vicki: Oh, hey, Survivor’s on.
Stephen: No, I think this is Blurry Eye for the Pixellated Guy.
Vicki: Are you trying to win a medal for long-distance television watching?
Vicki: Long distance LOUD television watching?!
Vicki: What was popular in 2013?
Not my journal, that’s for sure.
Vicki: We could get that result in any year.
We’ve actually got some readers lately.
Presumably because I keep updating every day.
Vicki: And giving them sparkling content like “here is a description of what I am doing right now.”
Vicki: Or “here is a character commenting on how I am describing what I am doing right now.”
Stephen: It’s enough to drive a man.
Stephen: No, a man already drove himself that far.
Stephen: I wonder what it would be like to drive a man.
Vicki: Did you mean that sexually?
Stephen: I didn’t mean anything, it was 4AM and I was drunk.
Vicki: It’s just juice.
Stephen: Yeah, and vodka is just grains.
Vicki: OH GOD
Stephen: …specifically, though?
Vicki: My whole sorry existence just suddenly started setting in.
Stephen: Aw, you gotta not let it do that!
Stephen: If I did, I would’ve only unleashed one, maybe two worthless progeny on the world.
Yvonne: That’s no good! We’re numbers five and six, respectively!
Or is Franklin younger?
Or does anyone care?
Yvonne: I wonder if lawyers do house calls.
Typically not trans-Pacifically.
Yvonne: Oh, yeah.
Faith: I don’t think fugitives from justice are allowed to use the justice system, anyway.
Faith: We have to appeal to forces outside the system!
Yvonne: The solar system?
Yvonne: Hey, there’s a Chuck in here. I’ve always wanted to meet a Chuck.
Chuck and Tucker.
That’s definitely something.
Faith: Come be a funnily-named duo for us!
Faith: And teach me how to pass my space cadet’s exam.
Faith: I miss computers. I really wanted to try Sunless Skies.
Faith: Maybe the genie can magic me a computer.
Tucker: Maybe I can magic your vagina!
Yvonne: I say we swap his in tube with his out tube.
Faith: Or get someone else to do it, it’s hot out here.
Faith: …so hot, out here.
Tucker: You think you’re hot.
Faith: So take it off, already!
Tucker: I don’t want you to see my
scrawny toned ass!
Faith: I’m gonna strike you with this bag of rocks until you tell me how you did that thing with the strikethrough.
Faith: Yvonne’s gonna invite a guy who looks like a zombie I once saw.
Tucker: Like… is that her reason?
Faith: No, her reason is that her standards are low because our lives are ruined because we ruined them.
Faith: And our dad’s. Especially our dad’s.
Faith: In fairness, he ruined ours too.
Faith: So really we’re just continuing his legacy!
Yvonne: That’s right, sis, you weave that convoluted excuse-chain!
Tucker: So, why are you two lovely ladies bumming it on a beach?
Faith: You have something better for my bum to do?
Tucker: I will pay you for bum fun.
Yvonne: Okay! Aerial bombardment it is!
Yvonne: There will be NO butt stuff in THIS story.
Tucker: That’s homophobic.
Yvonne: There will be no heterosexual butt stuff in this story!
Tucker: That’s buttphobic.
Faith: I am afraid of assholes.
Yvonne: Don’t read the first half of the chapter, then.
Faith: Welp, I still like you, I guess.
Tucker: I say that to myself in the mirror every day.
Yvonne: What?! The police chief is DEAD? Okay, yes, one of the police chiefs is dead?!
Faith: Does that mean we can go home?
Tucker: No, I don’t think your crimes against humanity resided entirely in one cop’s mind.
Faith: Ew, she’s clipping.
Tucker: YUCK! I can’t look!
Yvonne: Alright, let’s get this Chuck n’ Tucker rolling.
Yvonne: Or I guess you could pretend you have something better to do with your Maxis hair and Maxis eyes and MAXIS CLOTHES AND MAXIS FACE
Faith: Guy melted.
Tucker: Heard ’bout that.
Faith: Guys don’t typically.
Faith: Girl sloughed.
Tucker: More frequent.
Yvonne: Okay, so if ALL the cops die?
Chuck: Still wouldn’t help.
Yvonne: And that’s how Grugly went to jail!
Yvonne: It was worth it.
Yvonne: I think he actually might have gone to jail.
Faith: Don’t be ridiculous, who else would be typing this?
Faith: DON’T THINK ABOUT IT
Faith: I think my dad is cosplaying as Predator on vacation.
Faith: He’s got the hair down, but not the being good at anything.
Faith: Except witnessing the death of a zombie cowboy.
Tucker: That’s a thing you can be good at?!
Yvonne: Hey CHUCK!
Chuck: I suck?
Yvonne: AWW HOW’D YOU KNOW
Tucker: Do you suck?
Faith: Depends on the hose.
Faith: But you won’t ever require that information, regardless.
Faith: Now, regard me more.
Chuck: This one’s cuter, you take the other one.
Yvonne: I say we drown them both.
Faith: I say we drown in them both!
Tucker: How would that even.
Tucker: Like my space-talk? I occasionally leave off the last.
Faith: Only marginally more irritating than some of what they say on Firefly!
♪ Take my shoes, take my pants, even take my underpants ♪
♪ It don’t matter, I’m still here, ‘cuz it’s daily update year ♪
♪ Take me out to the beach, hope you brought your mental bleach ♪
♪ Drown the townies in the sea ♪
♪ You can’t take the Sims from me ♪
Next time: devotion of the ocean.
♪ You can’t take the Sims from meeeee ♪
This chapter depicts gameplay from 5 January 2013 to 6 January 2013.