The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 480

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates every damn day!

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In which an old and new wives tale is told, in a unique fashion.

Dagmar: I HAVEN’T AGREED TO BE HIS WIFE
Neil: She hasn’t even agreed to let me at her tail, yet!

Dagmar: What am I bid?

Dagmar: I am apparently bid a dance.

Neil: My preference is for expensive ladies who come cheap.

Neil: In my defense, I try to make them come often, too.

Dagmar: That’s a hell of a defense.

Neil: Well, I was on tap for Defense Secretary at one point.

Neil: Before I tapped my secretary.

Dagmar: So that’s why we’re doing this in an office.

Neil: And an orifice.

Dagmar: Only the one?

Neil: Depends! You can just use the one, if you like.

Laci: You know what I don’t like?

What?

Laci: Apparently never-ending reference chain captions!

Neil: I for one am proud to be on the chain gang.

Dagmar: As opposed to your former gangs, the military and the prison.

Neil: Otherwise known as the mobile prison and the stationary military.

Dagmar: What does military stationery look like?
Neil: I dunno, I mostly only saw it under the vibrating body of my secretary.

Laci: Yeah, I’ve switched permanently to land lines, I didn’t like my phone vibrating OH DAMMIT THIS IS STILL GOING?!

Dagmar: How are you still going? Isn’t it past your bedtime?
Neil: I never go to bed alone.

Neil: No man is an army, as they say.

Dagmar: Well, for tonight, you can be an army and I will be a leggy!

Neil: Wrap those armies and open those leggies, baby.

Neil: And then wrap the leggies too.

Dagmar: What about the boobies?
Neil: I will take care of the boobies.

Neil: That’s where Dolly Parton gets her mail.
Dagmar: What?
Neil: Care of: The Boobies.

Dagmar: I wish I was getting Dolly Parton’s mail, instead of my male.

Dagmar: Who’s Dolly Parton, anyway?

Neil: Know who else nobody knows who is?

Neil: That nobody who isn’t anybody’s anybody wasn’t some particular body’s body!

Neil: There’s a lot of bodies hereabouts.

Neil: But not all of them are created equal!

Dagmar: I wasn’t created this way. It took effort.

Neil: OH YEAH BABY, TAKE MY EFFORT

Dagmar: I don’t know if I can.

Dagmar: But I’m determined to try!

Dagmar: As long as I’ve got this free trial going, I mean.

Neil: Trials are never free. Just ask Melanie Lillard.

Neil: Although she’d have trouble hearing you under that lamp, lamphead!

Neil: Hey, can you give me head after this?

Neil: If there’s an “after this” where I haven’t gone on to the afterlife.

Neil: Man, everything before sex is the beforelife.

Neil: And everything after is the beforesex.

Neil: Beforemore sex.
Laci: Hey cuntface!

Laci: He’s got a really cunty face.

Neil: Hey baby, cunt my face!

Neil: Cunt it uuuuup.

Dagmar: Dick it dowwwwn?

Neil: Hey, if you insist!

Neil: I won’t resist.

Dagmar: I get the gist.

Dagmar: Pfeh!
Neil: What?
Dagmar: You gist tastes like piss.

Neil: I prefer to call it my gistm.

Laci: I drink to forget statements like that.

I prefer to call that my system.

Dagmar: We’re really giving the sex system a workout today, huh?

Neil: Any good workout needs to take at least an hour.

Neil: I’d take Rosemarie for at least an hour.

Neil: It would take at least a second hour to work out how many cases of adultery that represents.

Neil: But is it really adultery when the aggrieved party is a Murphy?

Neil: Murphies aren’t peeeeople.

Dagmar: Murphies are a buzz-kill, as conversation topics go.

Neil: You heard the lady, conversation topics! GO!

Dagmar: Go where?

Neil: Go down.

Dagmar: Oh! There.

Laci: Not HERE!

Dagmar: Not done?!
Neil: Not nearly.

Laci: I’ve nearly lost it. Come over here and help me find it.

Dagmar: I’m so glad we found each other.
Neil: I was stalking you.

Neil: That’s what they call it when it’s unsuccessful, anyway.

Dagmar: When it’s successful they usually call it serial killing.

Neil: Hey serial killer, been successful lately?

Neil: She says she’s not a serial killer.

And that is not a poster.

Ally: And THIS is not a PUBLIC PLACE

Vicki: And THIS is not a PUBIC PLACE!

Victor: Everywhere’s a pubic place, if you want it badly enough.

Laci: How badly do you want me?
Victor: Badly enough to do you well.

Laci: Brandi doesn’t do anything well.
Victor: Except butt into conversations she’s not present for, apparently.

Victor: Aw, you got a present for me!
Laci: These lips were made for presentation.

Neil: I like the way you present when you teleport.
Vicki: It’s not intentional. It’s harder to backflip when you’re pregnant.

Quote of the Day, check!

Vicki: Guy I should be over but am not, check!

Vicki: Check please!

Neil: I live to please! And to check! Out.

Victor: Man, check out that hair! What do you call that colour?
Laci: Laci’s hair colour.

Laci: Because I first saw it on Laci.

Vicki: I first saw you on Laci!
Neil: Is that why you murdered her?

Vicki: You know that wasn’t my fault.
Neil: I know, I just resent the fact that everyone else gets their faults forgiven, but mine are somehow still active.

Laci: I’ll show you active!
Victor: More like break my BACKtive.

Laci: Back again, Mayor Townie?

Dagmar: Mayor come in?
Laci: Mayor may not!

Neil: May I come in?
Vicki: Might as well, I’m already pregnant.

Neil: Ew, you are?

Neil: I thought you were just letting yourself go.

Vicki: I wish I could let you go.

Neil: I wish I could let me go, too.

Victor: Please don’t let me go.
Laci: All the clipping in the world couldn’t stop me.

Laci: Nor all the skeleton-stretching.

Ally: Speaking of, you’re gonna get serious lower back problems from that.

Vicki: They feel more sexy than serious, at present.

Neil: SEXY IS SERIOUS

Ally: Seriously sexy!

Ally: I’m masturbating to you.

Neil: I’m masturbating to me, too! In Vicki.

Neil: OUT of Vicki?!
Vicki: Permanently.

Laci: Best Friends Permanently! I mean Forever!
Victor: Hahaha, not likely.

Victor: Hahaha, lovely.

Vicki: Hahaha mental breakdown.

Vicki: Also physical breakdown, that thing is DANGEROUS

Neil: He has a name, and he has feelings.
Vicki: I know all about his feelings, but what’s his name?

Laci: Roger Ramrod.

He’s our man

Laci: ♪ Hero of our nation ♪

Vicki: ♪ If you want him, take my word and stick with masturbation ♪

Neil: Only if I can watch.

Neil: Oh, hey, look at the watch. I mean the time. It’s late.

Neil: In the chapter.
Vicki: Oh, good, I thought I was going insane.

Vicki: Instead of just going home.

Neil: I’m thinking of going out like this.

Laci: I’m thinking of taking him out with the trash.

Ally: I’m thinking this whole update was your answer to “What’s your record for chaining pun captions?”

I thought it might be good for a laugh.

Or a good time.

Next time: gameplay from 5 and 6 January 2013!

This chapter depicts gameplay from 5 January 2013.

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