Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates every damn day!
In which an old and new wives tale is told, in a unique fashion.
Dagmar: I HAVEN’T AGREED TO BE HIS WIFE
Neil: She hasn’t even agreed to let me at her tail, yet!
Dagmar: What am I bid?
Dagmar: I am apparently bid a dance.
Neil: My preference is for expensive ladies who come cheap.
Neil: In my defense, I try to make them come often, too.
Dagmar: That’s a hell of a defense.
Neil: Well, I was on tap for Defense Secretary at one point.
Neil: Before I tapped my secretary.
Dagmar: So that’s why we’re doing this in an office.
Neil: And an orifice.
Dagmar: Only the one?
Neil: Depends! You can just use the one, if you like.
Laci: You know what I don’t like?
Laci: Apparently never-ending reference chain captions!
Neil: I for one am proud to be on the chain gang.
Dagmar: As opposed to your former gangs, the military and the prison.
Neil: Otherwise known as the mobile prison and the stationary military.
Dagmar: What does military stationery look like?
Neil: I dunno, I mostly only saw it under the vibrating body of my secretary.
Laci: Yeah, I’ve switched permanently to land lines, I didn’t like my phone vibrating OH DAMMIT THIS IS STILL GOING?!
Dagmar: How are you still going? Isn’t it past your bedtime?
Neil: I never go to bed alone.
Neil: No man is an army, as they say.
Dagmar: Well, for tonight, you can be an army and I will be a leggy!
Neil: Wrap those armies and open those leggies, baby.
Neil: And then wrap the leggies too.
Dagmar: What about the boobies?
Neil: I will take care of the boobies.
Neil: That’s where Dolly Parton gets her mail.
Neil: Care of: The Boobies.
Dagmar: I wish I was getting Dolly Parton’s mail, instead of my male.
Dagmar: Who’s Dolly Parton, anyway?
Neil: Know who else nobody knows who is?
Neil: That nobody who isn’t anybody’s anybody wasn’t some particular body’s body!
Neil: There’s a lot of bodies hereabouts.
Neil: But not all of them are created equal!
Dagmar: I wasn’t created this way. It took effort.
Neil: OH YEAH BABY, TAKE MY EFFORT
Dagmar: I don’t know if I can.
Dagmar: But I’m determined to try!
Dagmar: As long as I’ve got this free trial going, I mean.
Neil: Trials are never free. Just ask Melanie Lillard.
Neil: Although she’d have trouble hearing you under that lamp, lamphead!
Neil: Hey, can you give me head after this?
Neil: If there’s an “after this” where I haven’t gone on to the afterlife.
Neil: Man, everything before sex is the beforelife.
Neil: And everything after is the beforesex.
Neil: Beforemore sex.
Laci: Hey cuntface!
Laci: He’s got a really cunty face.
Neil: Hey baby, cunt my face!
Neil: Cunt it uuuuup.
Dagmar: Dick it dowwwwn?
Neil: Hey, if you insist!
Neil: I won’t resist.
Dagmar: I get the gist.
Dagmar: You gist tastes like piss.
Neil: I prefer to call it my gistm.
Laci: I drink to forget statements like that.
I prefer to call that my system.
Dagmar: We’re really giving the sex system a workout today, huh?
Neil: Any good workout needs to take at least an hour.
Neil: I’d take Rosemarie for at least an hour.
Neil: It would take at least a second hour to work out how many cases of adultery that represents.
Neil: But is it really adultery when the aggrieved party is a Murphy?
Neil: Murphies aren’t peeeeople.
Dagmar: Murphies are a buzz-kill, as conversation topics go.
Neil: You heard the lady, conversation topics! GO!
Dagmar: Go where?
Neil: Go down.
Dagmar: Oh! There.
Laci: Not HERE!
Dagmar: Not done?!
Neil: Not nearly.
Laci: I’ve nearly lost it. Come over here and help me find it.
Dagmar: I’m so glad we found each other.
Neil: I was stalking you.
Neil: That’s what they call it when it’s unsuccessful, anyway.
Dagmar: When it’s successful they usually call it serial killing.
Neil: Hey serial killer, been successful lately?
Neil: She says she’s not a serial killer.
And that is not a poster.
Ally: And THIS is not a PUBLIC PLACE
Vicki: And THIS is not a PUBIC PLACE!
Victor: Everywhere’s a pubic place, if you want it badly enough.
Laci: How badly do you want me?
Victor: Badly enough to do you well.
Laci: Brandi doesn’t do anything well.
Victor: Except butt into conversations she’s not present for, apparently.
Victor: Aw, you got a present for me!
Laci: These lips were made for presentation.
Neil: I like the way you present when you teleport.
Vicki: It’s not intentional. It’s harder to backflip when you’re pregnant.
Quote of the Day, check!
Vicki: Guy I should be over but am not, check!
Vicki: Check please!
Neil: I live to please! And to check! Out.
Victor: Man, check out that hair! What do you call that colour?
Laci: Laci’s hair colour.
Laci: Because I first saw it on Laci.
Vicki: I first saw you on Laci!
Neil: Is that why you murdered her?
Vicki: You know that wasn’t my fault.
Neil: I know, I just resent the fact that everyone else gets their faults forgiven, but mine are somehow still active.
Laci: I’ll show you active!
Victor: More like break my BACKtive.
Laci: Back again, Mayor Townie?
Dagmar: Mayor come in?
Laci: Mayor may not!
Neil: May I come in?
Vicki: Might as well, I’m already pregnant.
Neil: Ew, you are?
Neil: I thought you were just letting yourself go.
Vicki: I wish I could let you go.
Neil: I wish I could let me go, too.
Victor: Please don’t let me go.
Laci: All the clipping in the world couldn’t stop me.
Laci: Nor all the skeleton-stretching.
Ally: Speaking of, you’re gonna get serious lower back problems from that.
Vicki: They feel more sexy than serious, at present.
Neil: SEXY IS SERIOUS
Ally: Seriously sexy!
Ally: I’m masturbating to you.
Neil: I’m masturbating to me, too! In Vicki.
Neil: OUT of Vicki?!
Laci: Best Friends Permanently! I mean Forever!
Victor: Hahaha, not likely.
Victor: Hahaha, lovely.
Vicki: Hahaha mental breakdown.
Vicki: Also physical breakdown, that thing is DANGEROUS
Neil: He has a name, and he has feelings.
Vicki: I know all about his feelings, but what’s his name?
Laci: Roger Ramrod.
♪ He’s our man ♪
Laci: ♪ Hero of our nation ♪
Vicki: ♪ If you want him, take my word and stick with masturbation ♪
Neil: Only if I can watch.
Neil: Oh, hey, look at the watch. I mean the time. It’s late.
Neil: In the chapter.
Vicki: Oh, good, I thought I was going insane.
Vicki: Instead of just going home.
Neil: I’m thinking of going out like this.
Laci: I’m thinking of taking him out with the trash.
Ally: I’m thinking this whole update was your answer to “What’s your record for chaining pun captions?”
I thought it might be good for a laugh.
Or a good time.
Next time: gameplay from 5 and 6 January 2013!
This chapter depicts gameplay from 5 January 2013.