The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 478

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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In which that’s definitely the best title pic phrase I’ve ever typed.

Also in which I stop playing for six days in the middle of a household and a new year begins in the interim.

Kelsey: Fuck, it would have to be during my household, wouldn’t it.

Darryl: And the reason is probably me.

Kelsey: Hey man, wanna do something so interesting it kills the Maker’s interest for nearly a week?

So I’m sitting here at 6:34, staring at these two, and apparently I’m thinking “surely there must be more to life than pyjama’d teenagers flirting with the Barenaked Ladies in a snowstorm.”

Kelsey: I have none of your albums.

Darryl: I’m not actually the Barenaked Ladies. Hey, did you hear? There’s a new ominous stranger in town. Maybe she’ll kill all of us!

Darryl: Maybe she’ll kill all of us and she’s hot.

Kelsey: Would that be a fair trade?

Darryl: Something’s gonna get me eventually. It might as well be something that’s easy to look at.

Kelsey: Wanna go look at me easily?
Darryl: I’m all for low-effort dating, baby!

Darryl: Low effort for low yield.
Kelsey: THEY’LL GROW IN EVENTUALLY

Kelsey: Did you hear? The chick who married the wrong person married the wrong person.

Kelsey: And fucked a ponytail in a bookstore.

Kelsey: There’s only so many belly-shirts and fork-stabbings a girl can take!

Darryl: I don’t know what any of that means, so let’s share a toilet kiss.

Kelsey: Toilet kisses are interesting! WE’RE BEING INTERESTING!

Toilet kisses are shitty.

Six days later…

Kelsey: There should be a law against leaving your virtual kingdoms in limbo.

Kelsey: I don’t even know the date, now.

Darryl: So this is what “cold comfort” means.

Penny: Hey, it’s that guy from the Barenaked Babies!

Darryl: You told me about this already.
Kelsey: Yeah, but that was last year.

Kelsey: She lost the belly shirt because of the pony tail fuck.

Kelsey: I wouldn’t have fucked either of them, personally.

Darryl: How many outfits do you have?
Kelsey: You’ll understand when you’re a real character.

Which will be never.

So, I’m having a lot of fun illustrating my next book.

And it’s killing off my time for literally everything else I should be doing.

It’s hard to find time for work and hobbies when you also need to find time for staring at your computer screen blankly, unable to work up the interest to do anything interesting.

Little moments like this do help a lot, though.

Kelsey: Please don’t let this moment be little.

Darryl: ♪ Now tell me why we never really respected each other ♪
Kelsey: Your penis size, for my part.

Kelsey: ♪ And tell me why I never believed that you were a person, too ♪
Darryl: My lack of personhood.

Darryl: ♪ Kelsey, we never really knew each other anyway ♪
Kelsey: ♪ Darryl, you weren’t even worth the trouble anyway ♪

Kelsey: Sorry, but it’s true.

Darryl: ♪ Now it’s not fair to say that it’s ’cause I’m only six inches long ♪
Kelsey: ♪ And it’s not fair to say that it’s ’cause I’m only eighteen years old ♪
Darryl: ♪ But maybe your standards are too high because of too much masturbation ♪
Kelsey: ♪ And maybe the bathroom floor is cold ♪

Nick: Alright, let’s dark horse this bitch up a bit.

Nick: Where am I? Is this my house? This is definitely my house.

Nick: Yep, there’s my toilet, and my sink, and my fuckers.

Kelsey: Finish up, Darryl.

Darryl: Not sure I can, now.

Darryl: Get it? Can?
Kelsey: Kick him, Nick.

Kelsey: Get your filthy bad-joke-spouting lips off my eye socket.

Nick: Can I join in?
Kelsey: Sure, we’re riffing on “Enid.”
Nick: We already did that one. In a chapter I was in, I think.

Shit.

Kelsey: Think of a new song and I’ll let you take a poke.

Nick: We could just not do a song.

But then I’d have to interact with you actual characters, and who wants that.

Nick: Not me.

Kelsey: You took too long, and now he’s gone.
Darryl: Maybe he would’ve stayed if we hadn’t been accidentally re-doing an already-done song!

I’M UNDER A LOT OF PRESSURE OKAY

Nick: But did you come?

Kelsey: Oh yeah, baby, suck my eyebrow.

Kelsey: Okay, go die somewhere.

Kelsey: Today.

Kelsey: Fuck that guy.

And then she buried him.

Kelsey: OH NO, HIS EJACULATE

Kelsey: So this is what it means to wash a man out of your hair!

Kelsey: Uh… no, please don’t call here. I’m planning on using you guys as gossip material, and nothing else.

Kelsey: I don’t even know which one you are.

Kelsey: These things look disgusting.

If weeds actually looked like that, I’d be a weeding maniac.


Oh, wow. Mid-chapter household switching!

It’s like the Chronicles is a teenager again.

Dagmar: Now there’s a disturbing thought.

Yeah, it was a pretty murdery teenager, wasn’t it?

Dagmar: It still is. I wouldn’t be mayor otherwise, though, so I shouldn’t complain.

Dagmar: That reminds me; I’m embezzling off the Irfan Chin Memorial Foundation, and I need to remind my accountant to cook the books if he wants his cut.

Dagmar: Alternatively I could hit the wrong button and be forced to talk to Neil.

Dagmar: You’ve got a lot of balls, answering when I call you.

Dagmar: So… got anyone to play with your lot of balls?

Dagmar: I’M JUST SAYING, I’M LONELY

Dagmar: Call it empty soul syndome.

Dagmar: I’m hoping some of your secondary characterness will rub off on me if I let you run one out on me.

Neil: The deal is in, not on.

Dagmar: Who were you talking to?
Neil: You heard me.

Dagmar: Yeah, I heard you.

Dagmar: And I heart you, too!

Dagmar: Which is why I just made a doctor’s appointment.

Dagmar: And also slapped myself a bunch.

Dagmar: Straight to the pool table, huh?
Neil: Brings back memories.
Dagmar: You used to have a pool table?
Neil: I used to have money.

Neil: And a pool table.
Dagmar: Tell me more about the money.

Neil: I’ve already had a marriage based on finance. It didn’t work out.
Dagmar: I wasn’t proposing to base it solely on finance! There would be sex, as well.

Neil: If you want finance and sex, why not date Richard Flint?

Dagmar: Alright, I’m pro-choicing this storyline.

Dagmar: Abortion metaphors are hotttt!

Dagmar: Well, I liked it.

Dagmar: Who needs companionship when you can bask in the glow of your own accomplishments?

What have you accomplished, precisely?

Dagmar: I picked out some great wallpaper.

Yes, congratulations on your discovery of monochrome.

Dagmar: I’M A PIONEER!

Yeah, we should shoot you into space and see if aliens want to talk to you.

Dagmar: Not even if you paid them, probably.

Next time: tomorrow!

This chapter depicts gameplay from 30 December 2012 and 5 January 2013.

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