The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 477

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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In which love is good for business.

Alternatively, in which I should’ve pursued this obvious opportunity to make Richard be gay.

Then again, I know it’s a stereotype and everything, but… would a gay person live in this much squalor?

Eeeeugh.

Richard: Cleaning isn’t an economically efficient act.

Richard: Hey, you that lady that talks to the crazies? The crazies lady?

Bambi: Are you offering to relieve my crazies burden?
Richard: Sexily.

Richard: We offer all sorts of fucking-you services here!

Richard: Even if we don’t want to.

Bambi: I think I’ll keep my stress, thanks.
Leonard: Which one of you is the therapist? It’s the hot one, right?

Leonard: Where’re all the prostitutes?
Richard: Dead.
Leonard: Must’ve been some party.

Richard: Never return.

Richard: I have a business proposition for you!
Lyndsey Price the Witch: I’ve never been propositioned before.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: I know we’re getting close, Richard, but “hoor for me” is a pretty forward suggestion.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Okay, here’s my fee: promise to remove that fucking hat from me if it ever comes back.

Richard: I’ll remove anything you let me, baby.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: You already removed my virginity.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: We going out?
Richard: Naw, I thought this suit went well with my rustic décor.


Chelsea: IT DOESN’T

William: They must be getting engaged.
Opal: Why?
William: He only remembers this place exists when he needs to engage someone.

Gina Landchild the Atrociously Evil Witch: BROOM BROOM BROOM

Yeah, broom broom broom broom.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Did you hear what Wren did?
Richard: No!
Lyndsey Price the Witch: Me either.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: It’s hard to gossip when you don’t talk to anybody.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Because you’re scared of a death wizard.

Richard: THE DEATH WIZARD SCARES ME TOO

Joshua: MY IMAGINATION SCARES ME

MY IMAGINATION SCARES ME TOO

That low-slung black cloud also scares me.

Oh, it’s just Gina fucking up everybody’s day.

Nothing weird.

Gina Landchild the Atrociously Evil Witch: I WILL NOT BE TAKEN FOR GRANTED!

Shea: Yeah, new policy: you have to beat us up to get a seat.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: I’ll tip 25% if you just make something up.

The fuck is Chelsea doing.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: What’re you gonna get?
Richard: FUCK TART

Nikki: We only serve fuck tart in the daytime.
Richard: TART FACE

Lyndsey Price the Witch: I should learn the counterspell for that weather shit. Really piss that green bitch off.
Amin: Or we could just kill her!

Richard: Allow me to spoil my own surprise.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Okay, but I won’t allow you to spoil my consumption.

Joshua: I was gonna steal that.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: Yep.
Joshua: And eat it.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: Yep.

Richard: Lightning.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: Hear the thunder?
Richard: Lightning and the thunder.

I’m not fucking linking that.

It is the worst song ever written and the worst song ever performed.

Joshua: PHOTOBOMB

Past Grugly: Angle scooch!

Richard: Ooh, we’re doing an orbit shot!

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Oh my god! It’s an obscured thing!

Lyndsey Price the Witch: And there was a ring in the napkin dispenser, too!

Joshua: What a gong show.

Pictured: maybe the first time I used my screenshot utility to take a pic that wasn’t porn?

Nikki: Woo, look at us! Coupla morons, liftin’ stuff.

Richard: Will you marry me?
Lyndsey Price the Witch: It’s very possible.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: They’re throwing stuff at us.
Richard: NPCs get so jealous.

Joshua: It’s true!

Kiera: At least some of us are dressed for the occasion!

Victor: Hello business man
Richard: Hello suddenly goth dude!

Victor: IT WASN’T SUDDEN

Joshua: Congratulations on your engagement! And your newly sticky palm.

Joshua: Stay sexy!
Lyndsey Price the Witch: Stay creepy!


Richard: Mmm, is that perfume?
Stinky Skunk: Nope.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Alright, since I don’t see any death happening…

Lyndsey Price the Witch: I guess it’s another sex chapter!

Richard: It was a good guess.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: FUCK MY INVISIBLE VAGINA

Lyndsey Price the Witch: …please don’t let that be the Quote of the Day.

Richard: We can do better.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: So, have you considered getting a job?
Richard: Hey, if you’re offering, get on down there!

Lyndsey Price the Witch: I’m serious.
Richard: I never am.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: The Lyndsey says “Do something with your life!”
Richard: The Richard says “Ew, why? No.”

The Emmy says:

Emmy: Aw, bye! Yo.

Richard: Okay, I’ve got this crazy idea, and it’ll stay that way until you validate it for me.

Richard: FUCK PALACE.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Yeah, it’ll be, like, a low-rent sexual amusement park. No, it wasn’t my idea, good god no.

Richard: COCKROACHES AREN’T WELCOME AT MY FUCK PALACE

He was right! They could do better!

How’re you keeping that in your hand?

Richard: Sticky fingers.

What do the Rolling Stones have to do with this?

Richard: You’re so old, I don’t get your references even though I’m largely a figment of your imagination!

Lyndsey Price the Witch: That’s pretty old.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: I don’t know how I feel about this idea.

I feel like it’s got, oh, maybe fifty pics in it.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Are you just marking time?

The funny thing about doing something every day is, well, that there’s a word for that.

Darryl: And the word is sex with Lyndsey!

Darryl: That was a hint.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: It was neither a hint nor a word!

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Okay, here’s the deal. You get free rein in our house, and you can fuck anybody who wants to fuck you.
Darryl: Why is that worth money?
Lyndsey Price the Witch: Because face it, living in a hovel is better than not living at all.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: So, you want a ticket in the boobs lottery slash a room in Hotel Hovel, or no.

Richard: It’s like a brothel, only we don’t have to have sex if we don’t want to, but you have to pay regardless!

Richard: It’s like you give us money to be our friends! And you get the flu, because I have the flu.

Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: I don’t think there’s a way to phrase this so it sounds worthwhile.

Ally: Whatever, it’s not like my money’s real.

None of it is.

Darryl: Wanna fuck?
Lyndsey Price the Witch: Want the flu?

This is getting uncomfortably close to reality, guys.

Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: CLOSE TO REALITY! Now THERE’s a selling point for us uncomfortably-unreal characters!

Darryl: Yeah, what the fuck, why not.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Our establishment will be 100% cockroach-free once the trash goes out tomorrow!

The trash goes out immediately.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Oh. Well, forget it then.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Did you forget it?
Ally: HOW

Lyndsey Price the Witch: WHAT’S A FEW COCKROACHES BETWEEN MONEY FRIENDS

Richard: I think I need to take her off sales.

Ally: Oh, we’re pairing off, huh?
Richard: I’m not any happier about it than you are.

Richard: Wanna fuck?
Ally: In the FUCK PALACE?! No!

Ally: I didn’t come to the Fuck Palace to FUCK! I came to sit on the couch and brush sparkles off my shoulders.

Richard: That’s fuckin’ weird.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Sing me a song.
Darryl: ♪ If I had a million dollars ♪
Lyndsey Price the Witch: Ooh, good choice.
Darryl: ♪ If I had a million dollars, I would buy you a house ♪
Lyndsey Price the Witch: ♪ Instead of buying into ours ♪

Darryl: ♪ If I had a million dollars ♪
Lyndsey Price the Witch: ♪ Or were giving us your dollars ♪
Darryl: ♪ I’d buy you furniture for your house ♪
Lyndsey Price the Witch: ♪ Which is technically what you’re doing ♪

Richard: Wanna fuck?
Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: I don’t even know what that is.

Richard: Why would you come here, if not to come here?
Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT IS EITHER

Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M GETTING PROPOSITIONED IN THE FUCK PALACE

Richard: Y’all came pre-fucked.

Darryl: WATCH WHERE YOU’RE PUTTING YOUR HANDS! THIS IS A FAMILY RESTAURANT!

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Maybe we should just lock you all in here together.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Okay, well… what else would you do, if you had a million dollars?
Darryl: Anything but ♪ buy your loooooove ♪

Darryl: And ♪ I’d buy you an exotic pet, yep, like a llama, or a llama ♪

Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: I DON’T KNOW WHAT I EXPECTED

Richard: Come on, baby, my erection is too big to fail!

Jizelle: I ‘ave cornaired you at lazt, roubot monstair!

Lyndsey Price the Witch: I hate these fucking people.

What would you do with a million dollars?

Richard: Everyone.

I was expecting ♪ I’d be rich ♪

Richard: I’d also subvert all your expectations.

Richard: So yeah, my milkshake and the ticket machine bring all the boys and girls to my yard slash rooftop.

Madeleine Fancey: The Fancey Exterminator is here!

Katelyn Darga: You should set up a squash court.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: You should go fuck yourself.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Or Richard.

Madeleine: Hmm.

What?

Madeleine: There’s no roaches here.

You didn’t come here to fight roaches. You paid the cover charge!

Madeleine: Still think I’m gonna fine them.

Okay, it’s not a fine. It’s a service charge.

Madeleine: You sure? It feels fine!

Jizelle: Do you like the vieou?
Lainey: What?
Jizelle: The vieoeoeou?
Lainey: …what?

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Less than fifty pics to failure.

Hey, most failures don’t even take that long.

Katelyn: BATHROOM HUGS
Lyndsey Price the Witch: WHY

Richard: PLEASE LET ME SERVICE YOU

Lainey: Be shame to waste that hard-on.
Richard: It’s not wasted, as long as it’s been appreciated.

Richard: Tubthumpin’?
Lainey: Like it’s the 90s again, baby.

Jizelle: Please be brief.

More like please be done!

Oh.

It is.

Next time: I stop saying “next time” and start saying “tomorrow.”

If I can bear to break with tradition.

Which I probably can’t.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 30 December 2012.

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