Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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In which we come, full stop.

William: Why can’t we do that every chapter?

Meanwhile, Andrea has a typical quarantine meal while Nick wears typical quarantine dress.

Nick: It’s not a dress, it’s a robe.

William Jr.: How come you and I are the only ones who aren’t gross?
Samantha: Excuse me? Are you not a little boy?!

Penny: My phone’s vibrating.
William: If you need a vibrator, we can do better than that.

William: Let me just take that off your hands slash ass pocket.
Penny: And put it where?
William: Under my pillow. Maybe the phone fairy will give you a firmware update in the morning!

Penny: HOW did you do THAT.
William: I’m an SCIA agent. I know thirty different ways to effectively disrobe a woman.

Penny: It wasn’t a robe, it was pants.

Bradleigh: This chick is also pants.
Brooke: What?
Bradleigh: It’s slang, for bad. I think?
Brooke: What?

William: ZING! Shot your panties off.

Penny: Couldn’t’ve shot them off onto the floor, huh.

TWINS!

William: Let’s take a look at your twins.

Penny: No, I want to do some of that clothed fucking I see so much porn about.

Penny: Hey, can you do that standing-up stuff?
William: I’ve been standing up all my life, sister.

Penny: Don’t call me sister.
William: You wouldn’t say that if you knew what I did to one of them.

Penny: Don’t explain that to me.

William: Oh no! We’re losing her! START COMPRESSIONS

William: I hope your bones can take it.

Victor: Hey baby, wanna take my bone?

Brooke: Hey buddy, I wanna take a piss.

Penny: OHHHH. OKAY.
William: Yeah?
Penny: I UNDERSTAND NOW.

Penny: OTHER. MEN. SHOULDN’T.
William: Shouldn’t?
Penny: BE. ALLOWED. TO FUCK.

Penny: Oh god, when you wiggle it around, I think you’re moving my cervix.

Penny: MY WOMB IS WANDERING
Uma: Sounds like… fun…?

Penny: I’M SO SWEATY MY BRA STRAPS ARE STICKING

William: Oh god, oh god, this sex is so custom!

Penny: We’re really raising the roof, here!

Penny: HOW CAN I EVER GO BACK TO ANDREW?!
William: HOW CAN I EVER HAVE SEX WITHOUT LOOKING AT MY HANDSOME FACE?

Penny: MY BONES ARE MELTING

William: I WARNED YOU ABOUT THE COMPRESSION

Penny: …where am I? Who am I?

William: I think she just had a critical orgasm!

Penny: …hey, what…
William: AGAIN?
Penny: My mind hasn’t gone this blank this often since Jerome asked me what my relationship with Stephen was!

William: I’m partially named after him.
Penny: Maybe that’s why you screw around so much.

Penny: Man, I wish this wasn’t so good.
William: Why?
Penny: So I wouldn’t be tempted to not stop doing it.

William: You need to build up some monogamy points between transgressions to get the full effect, though.

William: Alright! You take over, my pelvis needs a minute.

Penny: …oh. There I go again.
William: I hope you appreciate how much effort I’m putting into putting into you without putting into you.

Penny: Stop bragging and do something worth bragging about.

William: WARP TEN
Penny: ENGAGE!

Penny: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD
William: Captain Sparkles accepts burnt offerings and monetary donations.

Penny: OH MAN OH MAN OH MAN…!
William: I think your man’s calling you, too.

Penny: …hey… uh. Can I call you back?
William: Say “hi” to Mandrew for me.

Penny: I hung up JUST before you said that.
William: I came in you JUST before you hung up.

William: Come again?

Penny: And again and again and again…

Valerie: THAT’s MY FAKE HUSBAND!

Confidence: SOMEONE’S TAKING MY PLACE

Penny: Who are you cheating on?
William: Everybody. Everybody, everywhere.

Pictured: the process of editing a book.

Substitute whatever repetitive, Sisyphean task you typically perform to personalize this caption.

Confidence: The only thing I do often, never gets old.

Confidence: It’s hard to get accustomed to chaos.

Confidence: Take what’s about to happen, for example.

Confidence: Hey baby, I was just breaking into the neighbourhood and I thought you’d like to drop into me.

Penny: I should… *yawn*
William: Yeah, you should yawn.

Nick: Hey baby, let me climb down your uncanny valley.

Confidence: You don’t want to know who I am?
Nick: The less I’m able to tell the cops, the better.

Confidence: Well, I’ve heard a lot about you.
Nick: If you’ve been talking to the beard wizard, the beard wizard’s an asshole.

Nick: I could totally take the beard wizard.

Confidence: I’ve been wanting to meet you for a long time.
Nick: It just so happens I’ve got a long time handy right this moment!

Confidence: I hear your family’s kinda fucked-up.
Nick: If you heard kinda you heard wrong.

Confidence: Stretch that skeleton on up here.

Confidence: NOW STRETCH IT DOWN AGAIN IT’S WEIRD

I actually noticed the headlines at the top, but then I also noticed the little hand in the mirror that seemed to be pointing to the headlines, as if to say “Hey, fix that,” and I consciously decided not to crop.

Penny: I wish I could explain my decision-making process.

William: The power of schlong compels her!

William: I wouldn’t use that explanation on your husband, mind.

Penny: “My husband, mind.” That’s a fair description of him.
William: What about me?
Penny: “My lover, body.“

Nick: NOTHIN’ LIKE BODY-LOVIN’

Confidence: Shut up and snog.

William: That’s good advice.

Penny: I don’t take good advice.
William: You do take good dick!

Penny: …that was supposed to be a lead-in to Alanis Morissette.
William: We already did that one.
Penny: We already did everything.

Penny: And we’ll just have to live with that.

Nick: Are you gonna live with us?
Confidence: Maybe even die with you!

Valerie: Your dad is so dreamy.
Andrea: He’s not my dad.
Valerie: Your uncle, then.
Andrea: Half-uncle.
Valerie: WHAT THE FUCK’S A “HALF-UNCLE”?!

Andrea: I really don’t want to explain it to you.

What a great gal.

Penny: Yeah, look at me, giving trim to my neighbour.

Penny: What the fuck is wrong with us.

Who?

Penny: Everybody.

Confidence: EVERYBODY, EVERYWHERE
Nick: RIGHT?!

William: WRONG

Wrong?

William: I THOUGHT I COULD COOK

Oh. Wrong.

William: WRONG

Jordan: Where’s the fire?!

Can you teleport?

William: SHE CAN’T TELEPORT, CAN SHE
Victor: And I’m too busy holding my drink. So.

Brooke: NEVER FEAR, GANGLY GIRL IS HERE!

Neila: GANGLY GIRL! YOU’RE MY FAVOURITE SUPERHERO I’VE NEVER HEARD OF!

Neila Sharpe the Witch: SAVE US, GANGLY GIRL!
Brooke: MY ONLY SUPERPOWER IS AWKWARDNESS

William: You don’t need superpowers to fight fires, you just need properly-maintained equipment.

Victor: Good thing you always check the extinguishers.
William: Yeah, that time the building I was in exploded really stuck with me, you know?

Victor: Hand behind sister!
Brooke: Face behind hand!

Victor and Brooke: Hot behind wall!

William: Charcoal in pan.

Jeannie: Circus in town.

Next time: desolation row.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 30 December 2012.