The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 474

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates every damn day!

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In which there’s some holes you just can’t dig yourself out of.

Ivy: Luckily, I’m not in a hole.

Ivy: Unlike certain Xaviers I did name.

Ivy: I’ve got a treasure chest!

I wouldn’t exactly call that chest a treasure.

Ivy: But my buns are scrumptious!

Ivy: Time to ring in the new year.

Ivy: And ring up a new Murphy.

Ivy: SOOOOOO I might have been somewhat complicit in a murder.

Check out Beatriz’s new book, coming soon to a shelf near you, which you won’t be able to get nearer to, probably, because of the pandemic – Monogamy: Why?

Andrew: The eternal question.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Monogamy’s a great way to not accidentally fuck a clone of your mom.
Andrew: Unless you accidentally marry a clone of your mom.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: I feel like that’s what they call a critical research failure.

Andrew: As a scientist, I take that accusation quite personally.

Ivy: You think you’re taking THAT personally…

Andrew: I’d like to take you. Personally.

Ivy: I didn’t know Xavier had such a cool uncle!
Andrew: He’s actually… my… brother?
Ivy: I didn’t know Xavier had such a grody old brother!


Ivy: Okay, so here’s the deal. I dated a wizard and the wizard killed your brother.

Andrew: That’s not a deal at all.

Ivy: How’d you get so big.

Andrew: Alright, well, call death on this thing.

Ivy: THAT sounds safe!

Ivy: Hey, death, it’s Ivy calling.
The Grim Reaper: OKAY…
Ivy: Andrew told me to call.
The Grim Reaper: OKAAAAY…
Ivy: Do you want a character reference?
Andrew: You’re RESURRECTING, Ivy, not ADOPTING!

Andrew: Babies, killin’ babies.


Xavier: Oh no, you’re still here.


Xavier: No, still bummed that you’re here.


Xavier: Oh, I appreciate you, alright. I’m just not glad to see you.

Ivy: Well I am glad to see you!
Xavier: Thank god those are independent variables.

Ivy: I called your brother over to save you.
Andrew: I was already on my way.
Ivy: You’re brother’s a big fat old liar, huh?

Ivy: I told the mean man who killed you to leave.
Xavier: Before or after you fucked?

Ivy: Okay, give me a break. This guy’s screwed over a lot of people. He made Shiloh Newcastle watch a guy melt into a sidewalk!
Xavier: Wow! That sounds like a cool story! I should call her.


Xavier: ‘cuz you got me killed.
Ivy: Is that all?

Xavier: You got me killed whilst cheating on me with a monster in my house.
Ivy: Oh, that’s all.

Xavier: Take your shovel with you when you go.

Ivy: I was thinking we could go on a date!
Xavier: No, it would have to be TWO dates. One for each of us.

Ivy: You’re not making this any easier.
Xavier: I’m trying to make it impossible.

Andrew: Alright punks, chapter’s yours.

Xavier: Don’t get me wrong, you’re still super hot, but I also kind of hate you now?
Ivy: Maybe I want to get that wrong!

Xavier: I wonder who else is hot, without overlapping on evil?

Xavier: You think that mailgirl secret agent would be into me?
Ivy: Dude, don’t put that filthy thing on the COUNTER!

Xavier: Hi! A wizard killed me.
Jizelle: ‘zat’z pretty coul.
Xavier: …this isn’t Chris, is it.
Jizelle: Chriz iz out deztabilizing foreign countriez.
Xavier: And bringing you back some esses?


It’s one way!

Xavier: Hey, Brooke! It’s me, Xavier! From school!
Brooke: I dunno, that’s a pretty common name.

Xavier: I was recently dead, so I thought, hey! Maybe live a little.

Xavier: No, yeah, there’s weirdos up here, but we’ve got locks on the doors, so.

Xavier: My ex-girlfriend and my brother brought me back to life! I want to pay that forward by making you a real character!

Brooke’s already a real character.

Xavier: It’s not that Brooke.

Oh, well, the second one is also kind of a real character.

Xavier: Not that Brooke either.

Ivy: This one’s a babbling Brooke, apparently.

Xavier: I’m a teenager with my own house. That’s an instant win condition on Boyfriend Bingo!

Brooke: You should have led with that.

Brooke: Hahaha no, don’t touch me.

Xavier: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Brooke: Partial nudity.

Ivy: Only partial? Prude.

Brooke: My Turn-Off is hats.
Xavier: I sense a theme.

Alec Prince the Damned: Hey, guy I think I killed, can I talk to Ivy?
Xavier: …?!?!?!?!??!

Alec Prince the Damned: You freaking out over there, or something?

Alec Prince the Damned: Hello?

Alec Prince the Damned: I can still make this thing talk, you know.


It’s the opposite of every video game ever!

Xavier: So, this is where the magic happens.
Brooke: Where you died, you mean?

Xavier: No, I mean… good magic.

Where I remember to make all the architectural flourishes visible through the window, you mean?

Xavier: What do you think?
Brooke: Words and pictures, mostly.

Brooke: Mostly boring ones, at the moment.

Xavier: *lies*

Brooke: Alright, last ditch effort.
Xavier: God, that stuff in the ditches? Can you imagine?

Xavier: I wish I cared how this turns out.

Brooke: It’s for the best that you don’t.

Xavier: ♪ She didn’t love me, she was only passin’ time ♪
Brooke: ♪ Wastin’ miiiiine ♪

Xavier: ♪ Yes she was ♪

Xavier: “Was” being the operative word.

Xavier: Your denim smells.

Brooke: Your house is nice.

Ivy: Struck out, huh?
Xavier: Yeah, no joy in Mudville tonight.

Ivy: Like my finger?
Xavier: ‘s pretty nice.

Ivy: Like my hands?
Xavier: As hands go, sure.

Ivy: Feel ’em go!


Ivy: Man, some people never let you forget their deaths.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Well, the story’s not subtitled “A Romance of Forgiveness and Optimism,” now, is it.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Hey, is this party private, or can I come in?
Xavier: What’s that? You want me to come in you at my privates party?

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Wow.


Shiloh Newcastle the Witch:

Cat’s eyes got your tongue?

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Hey baby, the Maker just squelched me for a bad joke!

I like that word.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Squelch.


Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Alright, time to set a spell. Book. Down.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: What is with your dialogue today?

Nobody’s making you say it.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: SOMEBODY IS, ACTUALLY

Xavier: Hey, if you want to be helpful, feel free to take out the trash.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: I was just looking up a spell for that!

Ivy: I mean, we’ve got bags.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: I’m de-bagging this operation.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Stultus Evanescet.

Ivy: What’s that mean?
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Stand up and find out.

Ivy: I don’t know if learning is worth getting out of my chair.

I have always, always felt this way, myself.


Ivy: I’m guessing it means something like “Hey jerk, get out of here?”
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Something like.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Classier, though. Smarter.

Xavier: Where’d you send her?
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: I didn’t send her where. I just sent her.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: She’ll probably rematerialize out there, somewhere, eventually.
Xavier: I can live with not knowing, honestly.

Xavier: As long as we can get down to other sorts of knowledge.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Look! This dress folds up properly when I sit.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Magic makes it do that!

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: It’s a Breaking Bad reference.

But I can’t find a video.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: But he can’t find a video.

Xavier: ‘k.

I can’t seem to get my monitor to face the right direction.

I think I’m losing my mind.

Xavier: ‘k.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: My family watched me die.
Xavier: ‘k.

Xavier: My girlfriend caused me to die.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: ‘k.

Xavier: It was pretty mean of her.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: She did look pretty and mean…

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: I don’t know why I like you.
Xavier: Yeah, Ivy didn’t know either.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Maybe it’s all this angst we have in common.
Xavier: Nah, we’re not teenagersexuals.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: So, wait. Was it… by any chance… Lance Price the Damned who killed you?
Xavier: Nah, my memories say Alec Prince the Damned.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Oh, those are probably different people, definitely.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Alright, I think I can protect you from this plotline.
Xavier: That is the sexiest thing it’s possible to say to a Murphy.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: You guys are, like, the most basic form of cannon fodder around here, huh.
Xavier: No, there’s the townies, thankfully.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Words never before spoken.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Sorry, I keep thinking about how much I hate evil wizards.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Wow, your muscles aren’t tense at all!
Xavier: I already got a handjob from Ivy, earlier.

Xavier: Is that not what it’s call-

Xavier: -all… all… all…

Xavier: Thank you.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Yes.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: First comes kiss, then comes sexage.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Then the rhyme stops, ‘cuz nothing rhymes with sexage.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: At least partially ‘cuz it’s not even a word.

Xavier: Nor should it be.

So, yesterday I decided that my next book was gonna end up like eight hundred pages unless I fixed it.

And today I kinda fixed it?

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Are we in it?

Hell no.

Xavier: That’s good, I don’t want to get shat on in two realities.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: My dad’s girlfriend’s a townie.
Xavier: Ew! Why?

I thought, hey, maybe the second book should have a plot that starts when the book starts.

That was me, counter-advertising my first book.

This is them, advertising my Sims journal, I guess.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: COME ONE COME ALL

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: TO THE HOVER-HANDED ASS-PARTY!

Xavier: That doesn’t sound fun.

Xavier: Or sanitary.


Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: OH WOW YOU’RE GOOD AT THIS
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: YES YOU ARE ACTUALLY

Xavier: All my muscles are seized up.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Mine too, outside and in.

Xavier: Kinda lost control a bit, there.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: And several pounds, besides!

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: I meant from the workout.
Xavier: Yes.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Not from what you deposited into my-
Xavier: YES.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Speaking of deposits.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Please remember to wipe down that table.

Xavier: Yeah, speaking of deposits.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Enough speaking.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Do you have an account?
Xavier: I was hoping to open one, today.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Goot enufffp.

Xavier: I definitely passed out during that.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: You’re welcome.

Xavier: I’ve never been welcome before.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: Well, you know what they say: the times, they are a chaingun.

Xavier: I don’t think that’s what they say.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: It’s true, though. The times are one bitch of a mass-murderer.

Xavier: I hate bitches.

Venkat: Bitches hate it when you hate bitches!

Venkat: I think. Bitches never talk to me.

Xavier: Talking isn’t everything.

Xavier: It’s a whole new world of verbs, out there.

Xavier: And I’m gonna conjugate ’em all!

Xavier: There’s a “conjugation visit” joke to be made here, but my face is too grouchy to sell it.

Xavier: And it’s stuck that way now.

Xavier: And now it’s too late.

Xavier: You know what?

Xavier: The times are a chaingun.

Ivy: I’m the dramatically-juxtaposed past!

Next time: Penny for your penis.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 28 December 2012.

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