The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 473

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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In which we jump cut to a meeting.

Cory: Why? It’s so jarring!

Vanesa: The legitimacy of your secret spy organization, in my mind, is somewhat diminished by having its meetings in a coffee house.
Chris: You don’t like coffee?

Vanesa: I don’t like non-secret secret agencies.

Vanesa: Aren’t you afraid they’ll hear what we’re up to?
Cory: Who could possibly be listening?

Cory: Okay, wow, yeah.

Theresa: I think we might need to give this one up.
Cory: No, it’s cool, we’ll just kill them all. Starting with Alvin.

Chris: Maybe start with this socially-awkward debutante, instead.
Cory: What about the teenage beatnik?

♪ Teenage beatnik ♪

Cory: Ugh, somebody stop him.

♪ It’s only teenage beatnik ♪


♪ Teenage beatnik, ooh yeah ♪

Theresa: I feel so helpless.

♪ ‘s only teenage beatnik ♪


Chris: That did it.

Theresa: We’ve all fucked Cory.
Vanesa: I haven’t.
Theresa: Okay, all us real people have fucked Cory.

Cory: I was honestly about to say “is that true” and then I remembered oh yeah, Theresa and I fucked in the previous chapter.

Which was YESTERDAY.

My mind is going.

There is no question about it.

Vanesa: Seek help.

What, in my basement?

Theresa: My first time was with Alvin.
Cory: God, what would that do to a person?!

Alvin: I’d be happy to demonstrate!

Theresa: It’s hard, because he can only get off with Thomas Dolby playing in the background.

Cory: I was kinda hoping we’d talk about spy stuff today.
Vanesa: No, let’s talk about sex.
Chris: Yeah, sex.
Theresa: The sexes have it!

Cory: Y’all got a lot of balls, hijacking my meeting.

Chris: More balls than you, apparently, if we’re able to do it successfully!

Theresa: I think we do need to talk about some spy stuff, though. Like… hey. Who broke into the governor’s office? Somebody broke into the governor’s office.
Chris: Do we know that chick?

Cory: The governor can go fuck himself.
Vanesa: But he’d never have to!

Theresa: Girls, Cory and I have some things to discuss.
Chris: If it’s not sex, sure, we’re out.

Vanesa: If it is sex, though, record it for us.
Chris: Good thinking, Vanesa with one ‘s’!

Vanesa: Okay, are you… like… a posh spy, or something?

Theresa: What are we actually doing.
Cory: Having wacky adventures, and sex?

Cory: Look. I can’t tell you where this storyline is going, because I don’t know. What I do know is, the SCIA isn’t long for this fictional world.

Sorry to interrupt, but I think Richard has an announcement to make.

Because apparently he’s pregnant.

Nick: Let’s celebrate!

Brooke: Cheeky bugger!
Nick: That slang for butt stuff?

Theresa: I don’t want you fucking with me. Are we good guys or bad guys?
Cory: I like to think we’re all bad guys.

Cory: Everyone around here sleeps with everyone else, and the ‘heroes’ go around murdering honest, working folk. I don’t know that the distinction between white hats and black hats is all that helpful right now, to be honest.

Oliver: I once beat up a paperboy.

Cory: There’s a cloud on the horizon, and it’s not made of the kind of stuff you can breathe. The only choice you have is this: do you want to be upwind, or downwind?

Theresa: I want to blow the cloud away.

Cory: Well, I’m sorry, but the cloud knows where we live.

Cory: Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go smoke someone.


Theresa: Ooh! Stealth FOOMPF!

Brooke: Two heart attacks! Two heart attacks! Two heart attacks in one!

Mrs. Crumplebottom: FOUND ME A FERENNER

Cory: We’ll take it from here.
Mrs. Crumplebottom: Not gonna look, sonny, but you sound feren too.

Mrs. Crumplebottom: Aw, naw, it’s a dar-


Kiera Siew: We can stab her before we get started, if you like.

Cory: Don’t steal my kills.

Cory: I’m not really with the SCIA.

Cory: Sure, close enough.

Kiera: Hey, watch the dress. This shit’s expensive. We have to steal it from real gypsies!

Cory: Don’t know, wasn’t listening.

Kiera: Think we could get synchronized swording into the Olympics?
Cory: Don’t be ridiculous, there’ll never be another Olympics.

Cory: Once we break the four-year curse cycle everyone will wake up and realize they’ve been destroying our biggest cities for no reason.
Theresa: Sounds like an ENTROPY plot.
Cory: Worse! It’s a sports plot.

Kiera: Fun fact: the game named me to spite the Maker for naming a main characer Kiera.

Cory: Fun fact! I am going to spit you.

Kiera: That wasn’t fun.

Cory: True, though.

Theresa: And now the bleed-out wait begins.

Cory: It might take a while, she’s pretty rosy-looking for an elder.

Cory: And stabby.

Kiera: Oh no, my suspension of disbelief!

Cory: That’s some sharp sword.

Kiera: Welp, no blood puddle yet.

Mrs. Crumplebottom: STABBIT INNA KNEE

Theresa: An old person’s greatest weakness.


Richard: So I hear you used to date a murderer!
Oliver: Until she murdered me, yeah.

Richard: Then who’d you date?
Oliver: I don’t think you grasp the finer points of being murdered, Richard.

Alvin: It’s dangerous to grasp fine points.

Alvin: And to teleport naked.

Jizelle: And to be huggggglyyuuu.
Sheba: .oO(The long arms and short shirt of the law!)

Jizelle: I didn’t mean to offhent you.
Alvin: I was already pretty much off my hent anyway.

Alvin: It’s been a shitty couple of years.

Jizelle: Oui’ve missed you!

Jizelle: Oui really haven’t.

Alvin: Missing is for amateurs.

Alvin: And Alvins.

All that “oui” stuff reminds me of this chick I once dated who spelled “ooh” as “ouu.”

It was super hot.

I don’t know why.

Theresa: Ouuuuuuu.
Chris: Blah blah.


Chris: So that’s it? I can teleport now?
Vanesa: Yeah, the riddle and the hand gesture are basically just cultural accretions, the power is actually transmitted through tiny particulates which exit the mouth and enter via the muc-


Jizelle: And then BOOOOUUUUUM, ze ‘ouse egzsploudeded!
Vanesa: Smack her, would you?

Theresa: I love not being the only sane person here.
Chris: I would love that, too.

Theresa: I meant… there’s two of us, now.
Chris: Two of me?

Jizelle: Ou in the world am I?

Andrew: Oh god, I’m in a tableau.

Vanesa: Do you know anything about the break-in at the governor’s?
Jizelle: I ‘ave it on goot autority zat I don’t know anysink about anysink.
Vanesa: Gettin’ a little German there, Frenchie.

Gettin’ a little naked there, Chrissie.

Chris: I’m gonna buy something lacey.

Cory: Man, I’m so fabulous.

Jizelle: Zere ‘e iz!
Cory: And ‘ere I go!

What’re you studying?

Theresa: Cleaning.

Cleaning what?

Theresa: Oh, all sorts of things. I’m spending sixty-five percent of my time on oxygen cleaning, eighteen-point-five on carbon, nine-point-five on hydrogen, three-point-two on nitrogen, one-point-five on calcium, one on phosphorus, and leaving time at the end for potassium, sulfur, sodium, chlorine, magnesium, and some trace elements.



Theresa: He’s talking about you.

Chris: I was raised in a mailroom, I don’t have social graces.

Cory: She’ll be aces at machine-gunning, though!

Theresa: I’m gonna replace Brandi as SCIA chief.
Cory: Aha! A use for our machine-gunners!

Theresa: I don’t intend to murder her.
Cory: That’s unfortunate, because she almost certainly intends to murder you.

Cory: We’re sort of on not-good terms with the real SCIA.
Theresa: I thought we were the real SCIA.
Cory: We are, but then I have nothing to call them.

Brandi: Just don’t call us late for the party.

Theresa: Proximity alert’s going off.
Cory: Probably have to scrape another townie off the porch.

Cory: You gonna see who it is?
Theresa: Nope.
Cory: Why not?
Theresa: Because I don’t seek out social interaction?

Theresa: It always ends badly.

Theresa: I prefer privacy.



Cynthia: ♪ Everybody’s laughing, but they don’t get the joke ♪

Cynthia: ♪ They giggle and grin in their circus of sin ♪

Cynthia: ♪ But when the lights go down, they choke ♪

Cynthia: ♪ There’s gagging in the cackles, and coughing in the cheers ♪

Cynthia: ♪ And when I roll into sight, they won’t put up a fight, because their storm of snickers broke ♪

Cynthia: ♪ And they’ll croak ♪

Cynthia: ♪ And they never know which direction to go ♪

Cynthia: ♪ And they don’t know what they don’t know ♪

Cynthia: ♪ And they gibber and jest and don’t even get dressed ♪

Cynthia: ♪ So they’ll never hear the sound ♪

Cynthia: ♪ When I come ’round ♪

Vanesa: Anybody else just have a musical nightmare?

Vanesa: Aw, you saved a dumb hat for me!

Cory: As morning routines go, I could get used to this one.

Chris: Mornin’, questionable newcomer!
Cory: You just came the other day.
Chris: And until she comes, too, she’s still questionable!

Vanesa: I’m not fucking that guy as an initiation ritual.
Chris: His dick is, like, eight inches long.
Vanesa: Okay, well… I’m not fucking him as an initiation ritual, then.

Chris: It’s good to keep an open mind. And open legs.

Jizelle: Ant zooperpowairs!

You have ant superpowers?!

Cynthia: ♪ And they piss, and they moan, and they starve all alone ♪

Cynthia: ♪ Until the flock’s thin on the ground, when I come ’round ♪

Theresa: I’m sure it’ll be fine.

Cory: Gosh, I hope not.

Theresa: I mean, I kinda want to reach old age, but I’m not married to the idea.

Theresa: As long as the sandwiches hold out, I’m good.

Next time: not your typical supernatural teen drama.

P.S. Go watch Apollo 13, it’s a fantastic adaptation of the single crazy-awesomest thing to ever happen, which happened fifty years ago this week.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 27 December 2012, right up to the last thirty seconds of the day!

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