The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 472

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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In which vehicular sex crimes are committed.

Theresa: Aww, you already added my name to the masthead!
Cory: You’re lucky it was only five characters.

Jizelle: Happarently oui alzo have five charactairz now, tou!

Vanessa: What the fuck did you just say.

Jizelle: Ouelcome to our ‘umble habode.
Vanessa: You’re hazing me, right? This is a hazing.

Cory: Hey there baby, wanna add yourself to my masthead?

Cory: What are you doing?
Vanessa: Learning how to teleport.
Cory: Why?
Vanessa: In case I get sick of Frenchie here real fast.

Cory: Always pleased to meet a new chest.

Vanessa: My name’s Vanessa.
Cory: What’s your chest’s name?

Vanessa: I’m an SCIA agent posted until recently in Takemizu. I went to the local district chief for a job, and she turned out to be the actual chief now, and she sent me here.
Cory: Good ol’ Brandi, always looking out for whatever side she’s on.

Cory: Well, welcome to the fraternity! It’s almost all women.

Cory: We need to get you a unique name, though.
Vanessa: What?
Cory: Three Brookes, I can handle. Two Vanessas, though? I won’t brook that.

Cory: How about Vanesa?
Vanesa: That didn’t sound any different.
Cory: Look at how it’s written, though.

LE VOOMPF

Cory: I would love to know how she does that.

Venkat Kramer: Hey there baby, wanna hang out by a puddle of piss with me?
Theresa: If you play your cards right.

Cory: So, you’re the one who died saving Jizelle, right?
Vanesa: Shit, was THAT who I was saving? NOT WORTH IT.

Cory: You’ll get used to her. You’ll get used to all of us! Or we’ll kill you.

Vanesa: This doesn’t seem like your typical SCIA safehouse.
Cory: It’s not! This is a TAUTOLOGY unsafe-house!

Vanesa: What the fuck is a TAUTOLOGY?
Cory: A tautology is a needless repetition of an idea, especially in words other than those of the immediate context, without imparting additional force or clearness, or an instance of such repetition.
Vanesa: Thanks, dictionary.com!

“Clearness,” dictionary.com? There’s a better word for that.

Cory: TAUTOLOGY is the real SCIA.
Vanesa: Then something’s got the wrong name.

Vanesa: I think it’s you guys.

Cory: I learned how to teleport from your whispering.
Vanesa: You’re a very subtle secret agent indeed!

Vanesa: I don’t know if I trust you guys.
Cory: You’re a very discerning secret agent indeed!

Vanesa: I feel like my discernment has been somewhat lacking, lately.

Jeannie: Do something with your simulated life, dude.

Chris: OH GOD, PISS HAIR

Jeannie: OH GOD, I’M CAUGHT

Cory: Wanna go make a title pic happen?

Theresa: If you play your cards right.

Cory: That is one hot-ass scar, you know.
Theresa: I know.
Cory: That’s what I said.

Theresa: I know.


Ian: TEENAGERS ARE NOT ATTRACTIVE

This is the correct position for an adult to take.

It’s maybe not so great to go around shouting it, though.

Caryl: Table for two?
Cory: Don’t talk to her, honey, she’s hideous.

Cory: Speaking of honey.
Wren: Buzz, buzz.

Theresa: Ooh, main main characters are here!

Andrew: And we’re here for you!
Neila Sharpe the Witch: And you!

Andrew: And you and you and you and you and…

Theresa: I think Andrew’s having a stroke?

Andrew: You must be Neila.
Neila Sharpe the Witch: Don’t do that to me!

Andrew: Aw, hey, guy who lives in my house! Long time no see.
Amin: This year cycle is too long, my man! Too long.

Theresa: If you’re gonna drop that, could you drop it on them, please?

Cory: Here’s to you!
Andrew: I’ll drink to that!

Tucker: This seat taken?
Cory: Yes.
Tucker: By me, right?
Cory: No.
Tucker: Right.

Theresa: I’d forgotten how obnoxious other people are.

I’m at that point right now, and it’s pretty great.

Theresa: Why can’t I ever be happy?
Kyle Wolosenko-Murphy the Nice Warlock: ‘cuz you suck.

Theresa: …what?
Cory: He said you suck! Is it true? Is it true?!

Cory: IT’S TRUE

Cory: You suck good.

Theresa: Suck it, Alvin.

Cory: Don’t call me Alvin.

Theresa: Would you prefer Simon?
Cory: Theodore!

♪ Doot, doot… DOO DOO DOO DOOT ♪

Cory: Let’s doot.

Cory: In the boot!

Cory: Boot doot.

Cory: I wonder whose car this is.

Cory: They’re randomly generated anyway, so who cars.

Jack: Hey guys, you know what I really care about? My non-randomly-generated beige sedan parked outside.

Cory: Welp.

Theresa: MASTHEAD IS RIIIIIIIIGHT…!

Tucker: You know what? I’d die if anything happened to my fire-engine-red covered truck!

Esther: What kind of car do you drive?
Joe: A green PXP.
Esther: PXP?

Theresa: Talk about your lazy uploads, wow.

Kyle Wolosenko-Murphy the Nice Warlock: THIS IS INSUFFICIENT BASIS FOR A CHAPTER
Jack: WE DEMAND PLOT

Wren: OR AT LEAST FOR THE SEX TO INVOLVE US

Cory: She just had her sex.

Cory: Piano sex, even!

Joe: So, how do you like that beet-red truck of yours?
Esther: My favourite thing about it is how little jizz there is on the flatbed.

Cory: Yeah, if you’re gonna have jizz back there, you might as well go white.

Cory: But you know what they say: once you go white, it never goes right!

Theresa: What.

Theresa: Ever.

Cory: …oops.
Theresa: Oops?
Cory: Like I said, white was a better choice.

Caryl: No, we have lots of tables available because everyone’s watching a kicky bag competition, but I wouldn’t recommend coming over because there’s also a plotline involving a murderer going on outside.

Jack: BOO! HIT IT WITH YOUR DICK

Theresa: You heard the man.

Cory: Call that a man?

Cory: Jack Player can’t play for jack.

Cory: Technically there should be a Scene Missing card between each car.

I don’t know how to parallel park a card, though.

Theresa: …shut up.

Cory: He’s just gibbering on reflex, at this point.

Theresa: I much prefer your reflexes.

Esther: You expecting cold weather?
Tucker: It is very cold… in spaaaaaaace.

Andrew: I love that movie.
Amin: Like anyone doesn’t.

Amin: Although I guess a story about past decisions coming back to haunt someone wouldn’t go down so well around here.

Tucker: I wasn’t quoting a movie.
Esther: Wrath of Khan.
Tucker: That movie quoted ME.

Theresa: So, we just fucked, like, a bunch.
Cory: Yeah, I feel all bunched-up alright.

Cory: We just left our DNA over half the cars in the county.
Theresa: We’ll tell them we exploded a plane full of evil clones of ourselves in the upper atmosphere. They’re dumb, they’ll believe it.

Cory: I like the way you think, baby.
Theresa: I’m glad someone does.

Theresa: ‘cuz I don’t.

Theresa: ‘cept when I’m thinkin’ ’bout sex.
Cory: Do what I do, and do that all the time.

Theresa: I could swing that.

Alright everyone, let’s play “spot the storytelling object in-frame and tell me what it does”!

You all lose, probably.

Kyle Wolosenko-Murphy the Nice Warlock: “You all lose, probably.” Isn’t that the county motto?

Wren: No, I think it’s something in Welsh, actually.


Theresa: “Rhyw a marwolaeth,” I believe.
Cory: What’s that stand for?
Theresa:Men, in, black, uh, eh! ♪

Cory: What?
Theresa: Sorry, you walked right into that.

Cory: What’s it actually stand for.
Theresa: You, and the readers, have access to Google Translate.

Cory: That’s a strange motto.
Theresa: It’s a strange county.

Cory: You could just tell me what it means. Since I’m telling you how to TELEPORT.

Theresa: Sorry, I don’t fuck and tell.

Theresa: I do fuck and teleport, though.

Man, I remember interpersonal relations.

I don’t miss them, mind you.

I’m just saying I remember them.

Jizelle: ‘ello, Co-ree! I ‘af made ze cakez of ze pan!
Cory: You’re really doubling down on that accent?
Jizelle: Re-inventing yourzelf iz too ‘ard.

Laci: He knows all about being too hard.

Cory: All day long, baby.

Theresa: So, what new threats are there on the horizon?
Cory: Let’s see… wizards.
Theresa: Wizards?
Cory: Wizards are trending, threat-wise.

Cory: Also gypsy kidnappers.

Cory: And we’ve had scattered reports of tiny trains falling out of the sky.

Cory: Flashers…

Theresa: People having sex in other people’s cars…

Theresa: People honking their horns too insistently…

Theresa: It’s a dangerous, nonsensical world out there.

Sheba: .oO(I think all your shit’s about to fall down.)

Sheba: .oO(And now it’s NOT! Are you a WIZARD? You don’t SMELL like a wizard!)

Sheba: .oO(I’m gonna report you to the SCIA. They’re on the lookout for wizards.)

Cory: Who’s on the lookout for the lookout-on-ers?

Jizelle: My frozen ‘air iz back!

It’s a didn’t-want-to-stare-at-that-beehive-anymore miracle!

Sheba: .oO(I’d like to make a report.)

Next time: at mid-day, all the agents.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 27 December 2012.

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