The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 471

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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In which sex.

Brandi: I’m in.

No, you’re the “in” that the other party will be… in.

Brandi: You did almost as good a job with that sentence as you did with my appearance.

Yeah, well, there’s not a lot of nose scar-hiding haircuts, you see.

Brandi: So maybe we stop hiding my dark red badge of courage entirely?

Brandi: That’s better! Don’t look like a sex doll now.

Technically you’re all just… sex paper dolls.

Brandi: AND WE’RE MAD ABOUT IT

Brandi: Chief among my mads is what happened with the mad scientist.

Not exactly secret agent style, is it?

Brandi: Show me a female secret agent who hasn’t had to dress up fancily/skimpily.

Brandi: I dressed up fancily/skimpily for you. Please come over.

Andrew: That honestly shouldn’t have been enough.

Andrew: But I wanted to see how bad she fucked up my old house.

Brandi: Not as bad as I’m gonna fuck you up.

Brandi: IN BED

Andrew: Wow, you know our language has come a long way when you use “fuck” in its correct sense and it sounds like a subversion.

Andrew: Subvert me, baby.

Andrew: You’re looking well.
Brandi: Minus the scar.
Andrew: No, the scar suggests that even though you’re looking well, things have been going badly for you, which is honestly a combination I’m okay with.

Andrew: You William-fucker, you.

Brandi: So I fucked William.
William: And tried to let a zombie out of my bathroom.
Brandi: And did other evil things you don’t even know about. So what? I’m hot.

Andrew: I can still see the evil through the hot.

Brandi: Adultery is basically a non-event around here.
Andrew: Zombie-freeing, though.
Brandi: Zombies are so first twenty chapters.

Brandi: I cheated on you with William. Cheat on Penny with me!
Andrew: Definitely the moral equivalent!

Brandi: So you’re saying what you’re about to do is worse?
Andrew: Well, you and I were only engaged. And who says I’m about to do it?
Brandi: I don’t know his name, but he’s straining to escape those loose brown pants of yours as we speak.

Brandi: …can I name him?
Andrew: Sure, we’ll make it this chapter’s single, solitary plot-point.

Andrew: Let me give you my plot point, baby.

Brandi: I’m surprised we haven’t run out of euphemisms yet.

Andrew: …that texture is embarassingly symmetrical.

Good news, though! I only just noticed, so we’ll have months of looking at it to look forward to!

Andrew: So, jump-cut to sex, or interminably-long courtship process?

What do you think.

Brandi: The lead-up is half the fun!
Andrew: Not when he runs out of things to say about it, it isn’t.

Brandi: Lately he just fills the space with personal babbling.

So I called my car insurance provider today.

Andrew: Ohhh boy.

I was all like “can you review my premium because my car moves now like not at all” and they were like “sure we can lower your bill by sixteen dollars” and I was like “wow that’s like one-tenth” and they were like “no for the year

And I was like “okay yeah capitalism right”

Brandi: That’s the fight song for the Autumn Heights Capitalist Pigs!

Sixteen dollars.

Brandi: Think of all the junk food you could buy if you weren’t terrified of making your family sick by going out and getting it!

Sixteen dollars? Like… two bags of chips and some Nibs, maybe.

Man, I would kill for two bags of chips.

Just not, you know, my family.

Maybe a Sim.

You guys are really testing the limits of my procrastination skills.

Uh… uh… oh, this is funny: part of the reason Charnel Knowledge is taking too long to write is a thing I like to call “cheerleader creep.”

Andrew: Cheerleaders are creeps. Always breakin’ in and cheering.

No, see, there’s supposed to be only two or three cheerleaders in that story, but I started making more for a sort of cheerleader sub-plot during the zombie apocalypse, and every week or so I end up adding another one, and at this point there’s ten different cheerleaders and I don’t even know what the fuck anymore.

Andrew: He’s going senile.
Brandi: Sexily, though! Cheerleaders are sexy.

Andrew: That seemed like as good a transition point as any.

Brandi: Oh! Hey. They still make these things, huh?

Andrew: THIS IS JUST LIKE OUR FIRST TIME
Brandi: WHEN I WAS MARRIED TO BRADLEY, WHO WAS A MAN
Brandi: ALMOST LIKE HE CHOSE THE SITE AND POSITION ON PURPOSE

Brandi: This calls for a flashback!

Happy to oblige.

Andrew: WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!

Oh, you wanted a flashback from YOUR continuity?

Instead of shameless porn advertising?

You obviously should have specified.

Hahaha!

I forgot about that stupid hand thing you were doing.

Andrew: I forgot how bad you and I were at interior decorating!

Brandi: OH YEAH BABY DECORATE MY INTERIOR

Brandi: You should do a newspaper, since I’m looking right at one.

I’ve already done a Symphony plug and a flashback. Do you want a Scene Missing, a townie with a name I have to look up, several new location title cards and a few high-res pics, too?

Andrew: I mean, if it’s no trouble.

Here’s your fuckin’ paper.

Brandi: HERE’S OUR FUCKIN’

Brandi: So, did you miss me?
Andrew: I think I hit the mark, over and over, honestly.

Andrew: What do you think he’s got against newspapers?
Brandi: He made you ask that. You don’t really care.

THEY’RE CESSPOOLS OF UNFOUNDED OPINION AND SCAREMONGERING AND WE HAVE TO DEFEND THEM NOW BECAUSE THE RIGHT-WING MANIACS ARE ATTACKING THEM FOR OCCASIONALLY REPORTING THE TRUTH AND WHEN WE DO DEFEND THEM THEY’RE LIKE “OH YEAH WE’RE THE LAST BASTION OF HONESTY AND FREEDOM IN THE WORLD” AND IT’S LIKE NO YOU’RE A BUNCH OF LAZY TALENTLESS HACKS WHO DON’T FACT-CHECK YOUR WORK OR SPEAK TRUTH TO POWER OR HOLD ANYONE TO ACCOUNT BECAUSE YOU’D RATHER JUST COPY WHAT YOU SEE ON FUCKING TWITTER AND KEEP GETTING CUSHY INTERVIEWS WITH POLITICIANS WHO ARE ACTIVELY KILLING EVERYONE SO YOU ONLY ASK THEM CUTE HUMAN INTEREST QUESTIONS WHICH NOBODY GIVES A FUCK ABOUT SO THEY DON’T BUY YOUR SUB-STANDARD PRODUCT WHICH SHOULD HAVE DIED OUT DECADES AGO BUT NOW YOU HAVE THE GALL TO DEMAND SUBSIDIES AS IF YOUR YELLOW RAGS SHOULDN’T BE THE VERY FIRST THING WE THROW THE FUCK OUT IN THE POST-PANDEMIC SOCIETY SINCE THEY’RE NOT DOING THE ONE THING WE NEED THEM TO DO, NAMELY, KEEP OUR BRAINDEAD POPULACE PROPERLY INFORMED INSTEAD OF OPIATED!

That’s the main thing.

Brandi: He wasn’t like this in Chapter Twelve.
Andrew: He was, like, twelve in Chapter Twelve.

I was twice twelve, and I was plenty angry, but not plenty angry enough.

Brandi: You’re supposed to mellow with age.

And become more conservative.

Brandi: So how come…?

I was a really introverted teenager, so maybe I’m experiencing my rebellious phase in later life.

Or maybe the world’s collapsing and I’m not okay with it.

Also there’s a tiny spider walking around on the ceiling over my head, and it’s got me a bit tense.

Brandi: I’m surprised you can love me again, after what I did.
Andrew: You said it yourself. Everybody cheats around here.
Brandi: Yeah, but I cheated on you with, like, your nemesis.
Andrew: He wasn’t my nemesis then. He became my nemesis because you cheated on me with him!

The spider is just… walking in fucking circles, directly over my head.

Why would it even.

Andrew: Is the camera still moving?
Brandi: I think Past Grugly might be one-handed Simsing at this point.

EWWWW

OH GOD HE MIGHT BE

I’m just kidding, of course.

I’m far too mysophobic to do anything that unsanitary.

See? He’s still there, the angle shifted.

Brandi: He probably just elbowed the mouse.

It’s amazing how many unsettling turns one set of about a hundred pics and captions can take, isn’t it?

Brandi: Glaze your eyes and think of ENTROPY.

Andrew: Whaaaaat was that? About ENTROH-OH-OHPY?

Andrew: Fuck it, who even cares.

FUCKING SPIDER

THERE’S A WHOLE DAMN CEILING UP THERE

USE IT

Brandi: Got any more rants to get off your chest?

Probably, but if there’s sex again tomorrow, what’ll I talk about?

Good heavens, what an artistic and uplifting story this is.

Andrew: And apparently you’re illustrating the sex scenes in the books now, too?

Only the ridiculous ones.

Andrew: So, all of them, then?

Andrew: If I make a request, would you show me another one?
Brandi: I don’t know why you’d need more stimulation, at this point.

Darryl: Okay! New personal policy: don’t glance through windows!

OH GOD WHERE’D THE SPIDER GO

Brandi: I’m glad we could reconcile.
Andrew: I dunno, I’m experiencing post-coital recalcitrance.

And then she ate him.

Andrew: Man. That ass. Flashback to that ass!

Andrew: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN

Andrew: I’ve seen some fine things, in my life.

Brandi: Oh, but baby, the best is yet to come!
Andrew: That sounds like an evil person being ominous. Are you an evil person?
Brandi: I’m being ominous, anyway, that much is certain!

So then they danced.

And then I didn’t crop out a date plumbbob because I liked the cute little musical note in the corner.

Brandi: So yeah! Turns out Laci might be evil!
Andrew: I’m still hung up on Laci being alive.

Brandi: I’ve got my best man on her.
Andrew: You mean on it. The case.
Brandi: Sure, sure.

Andrew: You’re hot in any continuity, you know that?

So my computer’s been making this awful noise when I turn it on.

Andrew: Here we go!

I’ve blasted the fans with some compressed air, but I’m just too fucking lazy to open it up and see the wall-to-wall dead skin storage facility which has inevitably sprung up inside.

So at this point, I start it up when I get up every day and it goes “UUUUGGGGGHHRRRRNNHHHHGGGG” for a bit, and that’s basically how I feel when I start up, so it seems fitting.

Brandi: So what you’re saying is, you’re going to die in an electrical fire.

Great, now I have to open it.

Andrew: OCD! Saving you from real threats 1% of the time!

Brandi: And making you over-think every bump in the night, all night, every night!

Brandi: But hey, at least you’ve got your nudie doodling.

Andrew: And you’ve got your dudie-noodling!

Andrew: I thought it was clever.

Past Grugly: Even artistic camera angles don’t make this more interesting.

You should experiment with-

OH GOD I ALMOST CREATED A TIME PARADOX

OH GOD I DID CREATE A TIME PARADOX

Past Grugly: It’s okay, I only had the energy to mock up one special pic.

Andrew: Mm. Honey, you know what I want to do today?

Brandi: What’s that, Andrew?

Andrew: Nothing.

Brandi: I hope you do.

Brandi: Because the less good gets done around here, the better.

Brandi: Destabilizin’ the world, in style!

Brandi: With bile!

Brandi: And salmon.

Life is so cyclical, isn’t it? Fictionally and otherwise.

Andrew: Yeah, you know what they say: what goes around, comes.

Next time: backseat pile-driving.

Andrew: WAIT WE FORGOT TO NAME MY-

This chapter depicts gameplay from 27 December 2012.

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