The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 468

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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In which da ba dee.

♪ Yo, scroll it down, here’s a story ♪

♪ About a little witch who’s building a blue house ♪

♪ And all day and all night and everything she digs up is crap ♪

Sunny Clark the Witch: ♪ Like this ♪

Elle: ♪ Inside is outside ♪

Sunny Clark the Witch: Please tell me we’re not doing that one entirely.

Fuuuuuck no.

Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Did I miss the musical interlude? Please tell me I’m not too early.

Sunny Clark the Witch: I don’t think we’ve been introduced.
Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: That’s very likely, because I was just born.

Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Mind if I mop your grass?

Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Whew! Futility is frustrating.

Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: I love how open-concept your house is.

Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: And you’ve got a fantastic view of the cemetery wall from here.

Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: If only there were… trees.

*sigh*

boolprop dontmergenhflora false…

Sunny Clark the Witch: Don’t you wish you could talk to your past self sometimes?

I talk to him all the time.

All the time angrily.

Sunny Clark the Witch: I’d just be telling myself “Don’t” and “No,” like, over and over again.

We’ve reached the point where it’s no longer practical for me to check and see if I’ve already made a joke before.

It’s about the same point where I’ll assume I have.

In every case.

Brandi: That transportation guy scares the shit out of me.

Sunny Clark the Witch: You appear to be the same age you were when I was small.
Brandi: I’ll take that as a compliment, bizarre and frightening though it is.

Sunny Clark the Witch: Thank you for your valuable contribution to this project.

Nick: Hey baby-
Sunny Clark the Witch: -“let me contribute to you.
Nick: Shiiiiit.

Nick: Am I that predictable?
Sunny Clark the Witch: If by “I” you mean “men” and by “Am” you mean “Are,” yes.

Sunny Clark the Witch: Should’ve gone with a union crew.

“Please tell me we’re not doing that one entirely.”

It just now occurs to me that we did almost all the words that weren’t “I’m blue” or “Da be dee, da ba di.”

Sunny Clark the Witch: The Maker’s a little slow today.
Kevin Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Warlock: That explains why you don’t have a house yet.

Sunny Clark the Witch: You look like a bearded baby.
Kevin Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Warlock: She’s so observant!

Nick: This is like a barn-raising, only all your neighbours came over to be shit instead of helpful.

Nick: At least you’re not accomplishing much more yourself.

Nick: What cool magic tricks can you do? Magic explosions?
Kevin Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Warlock: No.
Nick: Magic bombs?
Kevin Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Warlock: You don’t think the first “No” covered that?
Nick: I didn’t want to give up hope.

Kevin Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Warlock: I’m an infallibly-good warlock. There’s not much that’s good about explosions.
Nick: YOU TAKE THAT BACK

Nick: Good magic sounds useless.
Kevin Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Warlock: You’re just jealous of my sparkles.
Brandi: Ooh, you know what that word reminds me of.

Nick: My brother’s got a famous dick.
Kevin Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Warlock: I didn’t know detectives got famous.

Kevin Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Warlock: EW WAIT NO

Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Do you think you could help me out a bit, here?
Brandi: Only theoretically.

Brandi: Praxis has never been my thing.

Brandi: Yeah, I work downtown.
Nick: Ohhhh, you’re a p-
Brandi: THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT

Kevin Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Warlock: You’re hot enough to be a p-!

Brandi: Before you go to the convention, you should know: Liberace didn’t have a beard.

Kevin Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Warlock: …who?

Kevin Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Warlock: SO CLEVER

Brandi: It’s like you were born yesterday, or something!
Kevin Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Warlock: Yeah. Like.

Brandi: Check this newb out!
Kevin Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Warlock: THAT HAD BETTER BE SHORT FOR “NOOBOO”!

Nick: She’s right! You’re the most gullible beared man alive!

Nick: Which means you’ll probably be the most gullible bearded man dead by the end of the week.

Nick: TAKE THAT BEARD OFF, YOU’RE NOT WORTHY

Brandi: I WANT TO POKE HIM!
Kevin Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Warlock: Ooh, they’re fighting over me.

Brandi: Everything in my life makes me so mad.
Nick: That’s the only feel I know, lady.

Sunny Clark the Witch: No, go head, do whatever the fuck.

Kevin Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Warlock: If this is gonna be a Liberace joke, I’ve heard it.
Nick: …who?

Kevin Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Warlock: I love an empty lot. It’s so full of possibility!
Sunny Clark the Witch: And rocks.

Kevin Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Warlock: And ASSHOLES

Nick: YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE!
Kevin Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Warlock: WHY?!
Nick: FOR HOLDING ME TO ACCOUNT FOR MY ASSHOLERY!

Kevin Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Warlock: …you must be a Sharpe.

Nick: You must be a Murphy.
Kevin Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Warlock: That’s mean.

Kevin Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Warlock: You’re about to start a blood feud between the Murphies and the Sharpes, boy!
Nick: I doubt anybody’d start a blood feud over you.

Kevin Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Warlock: I’m very important! In Murphy circles.
Nick: Ewww, Murphy circles.

Kevin Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Warlock: You are a bad teenager.
Nick: And I’m good at it.

Kevin Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Warlock: Turn around, I wanna shove you something.

Kevin Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Warlock: IT WAS A SLIP

Nick: I’LL SLIP YOU

Kevin Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Warlock: DIG A DEEPER ONE, MISS.

Kevin Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Warlock: I’VE GOT AN ASS TO HOLE.

Sunny Clark the Witch: Hello, police?

Kevin Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Warlock: Well, if we film it right, it’ll look like a finished house.

Nick: You need to marry someone, get some money. I’ve read lots of legacies, I know how this works.

No, I think Kevin’s three camera setup idea is the way to go.

Kevin Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Warlock: …BEHIND YOU!
Nick: What?
Kevin Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Warlock: WALLS
Nick: Nonsense.

Kevin Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Warlock: No, I want to be the first one to find out how this could possibly function!

Nick: Fine, I’ll go stare at this creepy bullshit for a bit.

Kevin Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Warlock: You have no sense of propriety.
Nick: That’s pretty rich from the guy who was shitting himself until very recently.

Kevin Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Warlock: AND PISSING HIMSELF!

Nick: I don’t mind telling you, you’re not legacy spouse material.

Nick: Then again, like seventy-five percent of legacy founders are gay, so it’s not like either of us would have a chance.
Kevin Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Warlock: Why’s that balloon tail in the shot?

Because it was either leave it there or cut off your head.

Nick: You should’ve cut off his head. His dumb, hairy head of hairs.
Kevin Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Warlock: DO NOT MEDDLE IN THE OF HAIRS OF WIZARDS

Nick: AND ANOTHER THING
Kevin Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Warlock: What was the FIRST thing?!
Nick: IT HAPPENED BETWEEN THE PICS

Kevin Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Warlock: Teleporting through the magic of missing images!
Nick: It’s what’s for lazy!

Kevin Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Warlock: I love bad phrasing.

Nick: Your sparkles are tickly.

Kevin Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Warlock: You’re not gonna zap me again, right.
Nick: What, with an invisible zapper?

Nick: I didn’t say “no.”

Kevin Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Warlock: “NO” IS MY LINE

Kevin Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Warlock: You’re wrecking up my baby-smooth skin!

Kevin Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Warlock: God, those sparkles are tickly.

Kevin Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Warlock: AH… AH… AHHHHHHHHHH VAMPIRE!

Kevin Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Warlock: Did the joke land?

Not gracefully, but yes.

Nick: Crop that blue shit out.
Kevin Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Warlock: No, don’t! Spite him.

Kevin Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Warlock: SPITE N’ FIGHT!

Kevin Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Warlock: We’re giving Sunny a traditional SimNational dustwarming party.

This is what you get when you literally dig your house out of dirt.

Nick: And THIS is what you get when you pick a fight at two years of AGE!

Kevin Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Warlock: STOP TAKING CANDY FROM A BABY

Kevin Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Warlock: I’M GONNA PUT MY HAND IN YOUR HEAD
Nick: Oh no!

Nick: TOO MANY SONGS TODAY

Still one to go.

Nick: Your dumb skull hurt my hand.

Sunny Clark the Witch: ♪ Blue Monday, how I hate Blue Monday ♪

It’s not my favourite song, to be sure.

Nick: You smell like work.
Sunny Clark the Witch: ♪ Like a slave all day ♪

Kevin Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Warlock: LESS SING MORE SWING

Sunny Clark the Witch: Was I the one you were drawing naked, with bubbles on?

Nope.

Nick: I hope it wasn’t one of us.

Kevin Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Warlock: YOU RUINED THIS NICE LADY’S CHAPTER

Nick: We did it together.

Kevin Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Warlock: So let’s save it apart.

Kevin Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Warlock: She can have the rest of the pics to herself!

Yes, all seven of them.

Kevin Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Warlock: Seven is a lucky number!

It’s six, now.

Kevin Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Warlock: SHIT

Sunny Clark the Witch: Let’s see if the rest of the world was up to jack shit today, too.

Maybe I should just pivot to a one-hundred-percent SimCity2000 jokes model.

Sunny Clark the Witch: Something to think about.

Sunny Clark the Witch: ♪ But I’ve got to get my rest ♪

Sunny Clark the Witch: ♪ ‘cuz Monday is a mess

…the sheet edge is visible through you.

Sunny Clark the Witch: See? Messy.

I dunno, everything seems to be in order here.

Next time: Chelsea and Oliver.

There’s no getting around it. WE’LL HAVE TO GO THROUGH

This chapter depicts gameplay from 27 December 2012.

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