The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 466

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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In which I had ninety-nice pictures, but I took out one.

Wander: I guess that’s what passes for restraint around here.

Bradleigh: Andy! You decided to become your true self, too?

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Oh, lord. Look what the clone dragged out.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Other than these chapters.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Yeah, even I’m all fucked out at this point.

Wander: That’s good, ‘cuz if there’s gonna be any fucking, I want in on it.

Tucker: I think I’ll be the one!
Wander: The one what?
Tucker: Fucking! In.
Wander: In what?
Nathaniel: Please let it end.

Tucker: Can we do it in the spaceship-looking one? I’m getting spacehomesick.

Andrew: Please tell me you’re not gonna fuck in mom’s car.
Wander: I think you know me too well for that.

Andrew: Yeah, I guess I should go with my instincts where you’re concerned, huh.

Andrew: I just wish you were as concerned as I am.

Personally I’m super concerned by how the fogged window effect never works properly on custom cars.

Wander: It’s okay, just remember to crop it out of the pic.

Too late.

Wander: I mean, it’s never too-

TOO LATE

Wander: It’s been a day for rush decisions.

Wander: THINK FAST

Tucker: I don’t know if I can.
Wander: Marry me?
Tucker: Think fast.

Wander: *dumps the ring into the snow*

Tucker: Wow! A real Anastakian diamond, from the Anastakian diamond minds of Anastak-I!
Wander: I got it at the store.
Tucker: I didn’t know the Anastakians had reopened their store! It’s been closed since the Anastakian diamond-wars of-

Wander: STOP SAYING THAT NAME

Tucker: I probably just made it up anyway.

…segue.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: It’s not a Segway, it’s a hybrid.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: …I honestly didn’t know that thing had a sunroof.

Tucker: MORE LIKE FUNROOF

Wander: MORE LIKE NO SUN AND I’M FREEZING TO DEATH HERE ROOF

Wander: IT’S FUCKIN’ COLD
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Nice.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Remind me to get that girl a visible vagina.

Wander: I dunno, it’s not like the real thing is a great look…

Wander: That’s how you know the genitals go together. They obscure each other.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: I honestly don’t know how I got that much snow on my boots.

Bradleigh: Your ass is clipping.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: See, this is why nudity is better.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: It does look more enjoyable!

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: You looking for a chief engineer?

Wait.

Did I get rid of the…

Past Grugly: Yeah, that pirate hat was stupid.

YOU’RE STUPID

Tucker: Different versions of the Maker are fighting.
Wander: I hope I never fight with my different version.

…I still say bring back the hat.

HOLY SHIT

Past Grugly: Love you, man.

LOVE YOU TOO

Tucker: God is reconciled with himself.
Wander: They say God is in the details.
Tucker: They must have meant my details. Look up!

Wander: You look delightful.
Tucker: Hey! Don’t pinch the bladder bag!

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: *censored*

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: *CENSORED*

Tucker: Kinky.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: I’m gonna need you not to leave the house. I need to monitor the stability of my Andrews.
Tucker: Andrews who?
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: The correct phrasing would be “who Andrews?” if you weren’t already misunderstanding me completely.

Tucker: I dunno, I think we understand each other.
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Only hormonally.

Tucker: Well, sorry lady, but the… lady, and I, are on the way to inner space.
Wander: You mean outer space.
Tucker: No, I don’t have enough fuel for that.

Wander: All space is outer space.
Tucker: Clearly I need a science officer.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: How ’bout a hospitality officer?

Wander: There’s no such thing as a hospitality officer.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: There is on Picard.
Wander: Picard isn’t a show, he’s a character.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: WE NEED TO SYNC TIMELINES

Tucker: I’d sync her timelines.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: What would that even.

Tucker: You wanna fuck under naked photos of your parents?
Wander: Wouldn’t be the grossest thing that’s happened here, on that very theme, very recently.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Havin’ a little midnight snack.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Aw, man! It’s a psychic lobster, and he’s wreaking psychokinetic revenge!

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: I knew it tasted better than non-revenge lobster.

Tucker: Why doesn’t anything make sense anymore?
Wander: Daily updates.
Tucker: What?

Daily updates and I haven’t left the house in two weeks.

Neil: That sounds like a better idea than stealing newspapers in the snow.

Even if I had left the house, it wouldn’t have been for that.

I just stuck my finger in my ear, and hit the arrow key for the next pic, and this is what I got.

Neil: You need to go wash your hands. Real earwax is gross.

Yeah, you really don’t need to tell me when to wash my hands.

Neil: I guess that would be like telling me when to fuck up someone else’s life!

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: You hear to fuck up my life?
Neil: I think I already did?

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: I can think of other things for you to fuck, if you’d like.

!

!!!

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: What just happened.
Neil: I dunno, fanservice?

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: I sincerely doubt any fans were asking for that.

I’d normally make a joke about not having any readers at this point, but my statistics say otherwise.

They’re almost all mute, though, is the thing.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: There’s one who comments on every chapter!

Yes, and I treasure them.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: The rest are probably masturbating.

Yeah.

They probably are.

Andrew: To what, I don’t know.

Leonard: Okay, we’re NOT JOKING when we say you need to do some time-passing pics.
Andrew: I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in my ENTIRE LIFE.

Matching bathrobes!

Tucker: Actually, we’re wearing the traditional dress of the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy planet.

That’s… not one planet.

Tucker: It is in real life.

This… isn’t real life.

Tucker: WHAT

Tucker: I don’t like your creator.
Wander: He created you too.
Tucker: WHAT

Leonard: WHAAAAT

Andrew: Well! You’ve been b… IS THAT DAD

Wander: It’s a hard life.

Tucker: Penis joke.
Andrew: Don’t touch me.

Tucker: Oh, hey! You got my transporter working?

Tucker: Now we can reconsitute my dead crew from the pattern buffer!
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: I just magicked myself here.
Tucker: I never liked my dead crew anyway.

Tucker: They were turned into little piles of dust by a radiation leak.
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: That sounds… familiar.
Tucker: Oh, well, in that case, they flew into a black hole, went crazy, and-
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Also familiar.
Tucker: Planet-eating funnel monster?
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Star Trek.
Tucker: Xenomorph?
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Alien. That’s even what it’s CALLED! In supplementary material.

Tucker: Okay, most of what I say isn’t true.
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Weird! You look so trustworthy.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Anyway, bye.

Tucker: You’ve been a good sport. Let me beam a date down for you.

WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM

Andrew: …roof… attic… second floor… uh-huh…

Andrew: I think you might need to recalibrate your transporter.

Andrew: And also this dude is definitely dead.

The Grim Reaper: GOOD CALL.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: NOT LONG-TIME TERTIARY CHARACER JESSIE PESTHERERIARARNNEWREFDFU!

Andrew: I’m surprised you were able to say it correctly.

Tucker: I WANTED TO IMPRESS YOU
Wander: It was kind of impressive.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Please leave before you get anyone else, namely you, definitely you, killed.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: You too. This storyline’s over.
Andrew: I thought you were monitoring me.
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: If you explode or something, I’ll just pay Grimmy to bring you back.
The Grim Reaper: THAT REMINDS ME. YOU’VE GOT NINE STAMPS ON YOUR LOYALTY CARD.

Wander: I live here.
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: LIVE IN A DIFFERENT ROOM

Leonard: Are you sick of us, mom?
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Don’t be silly. I haven’t been involved in your life enough to get sick of you.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Thanks for reminding me.

Jessie: Bye, my corpse! I’ll miss you.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: We should end every chapter with a death.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: I don’t think that would end well for Leonard.

Leonard: Nothing ever does.

Leonard: But hey, you know what they say: nothing never dies.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Who says that?

Murderers.

Next time: …murderers!

Not really, I just wanted to say that. It would’ve been cool if it was true, wouldn’t it?

Okay, for realsies. Next time: …holy shit, it really is murderers!

I should never have doubted myself.

Or the prevalence of murderers in the Vale.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 26 December 2012.

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