Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates every damn day!
In which Wander wanders.
Wander: I’ll bet you’ve got all sorts of fantastic adventures lined up for us!
Andrew: Uh, nope.
Andrew: Unless you think meeting a bunch of Murphies is an adventure.
Wander: Murphies I already have all your memories of.
Wander: Yeah, not so much. No.
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: My April Fools Day pic looked wicked!
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Mine looked weak.
It sucked, didn’t it? It sucked.
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: You’re definitely a lot prettier than that illustration suggested.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: That means a lot, coming from my face.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Especially the version of my face sitting on the one of us with no aesthetic sense whatever.
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Please tell me that’s Family Kiss.
Andrew: It’s Family Kiss.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: BUT CAN YOU TRUST HIM
Wander: She can trust both of him.
Wander: I take it we’re getting me new clothes.
Andrew: Yeah, yours didn’t illustrate so great either.
I illustrated her clothes just fine.
It was her face bringing down the side.
Andrew: Unfortunately, I think you rendered her face basically correct.
Wander: I’m not sure that was correct, grammatically.
Neither am I, but I’m dead certain I’m not going back to fix it.
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Try to maintain a safe distance from people with green skin. It’s just good health sense.
Andrew: You’re the one who ran over Leonard.
Thornmarie the Evil Witch: He’s died of something else since, I think the heat should be off me now.
Vicki: Please don’t tell me I’m attracted to Murphies.
If you like this one in particular, there’s even gender options!
Most games don’t even have that yet.
For their protagonists, I mean.
Andrew: Hey. I’m a protagonist.
Vicki: I used to be an antagonist.
Andrew: I’m sure the ants don’t still hold it against you.
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: You guys sell baby milk? My body’s producing it, but my kids came out as not-kids.
Andrew: Care to explain that statement?
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: As soon as I find an explanation for it.
Andrew: Why am I attracted to the villains?
Vicki: I’m not a villain. Anymore.
This version of you isn’t.
Book Vicky’s still evil.
Vicki: Spoiler alert.
Yeah, I just spoiled a ten-year-old plot point.
OH GOD OH GOD
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: What?
…I just had to make sure I didn’t forget my own tenth anniversary, that’s all.
Ian: You look familiar. Are you famous?
Ian: Hmm. I don’t think I know any famous geneticists.
Wander: And you certainly don’t have the genetics to attract any.
Andrew: You done insulting the townies?
Wander: Not in general, but yeah, for right now, sure.
Andrew: I hope you end up with less regrets in your life than I’ve got.
Wander: That’s actually impossible, since I have all your regrets already.
Wander: Ah, melancholy.
Andrew: Ah, the French.
Andrew: Eventful chapter so far.
It’s almost half over.
Andrew: Might as well get fucked up, then.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Hear, hear.
Wander: How is it nearly half over?
It’s not, it’s almost half over.
That looks fucking awful, put it back.
Wander: How about this?
Yes! Good. Now if your scientific career doesn’t work out you can start a lucrative banking career.
Leonard: Livin’ life to the fullest, huh, mom.
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: I’m immortal. I think I have time to stop and smell the rose sauce.
Anyway yeah, to get the April Fools chapter where I wanted it, I rejiggered all the chapters around it.
This one now has only sixty-seven pics.
And yet I still put off doing it until well past midnight.
Because I was…
…doing something I’ll tell y’all about soon.
Wander: Was it masturbating?
You think I was gonna make an announcement about that?
Wander: I dunno, men are gross.
You should know, I guess.
Wander: Yeah, I still keep reaching for something that isn’t there when I try to use the toilet.
Wander: Andrew kind of feels weird about William, after their adventure.
It’s okay, William will manage to swing that needle back over to INTENSE HATRED, given enough time.
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Yeah, take away the dick and the gun and he doesn’t have a lot to recommend him.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Speaking of taking dicks away.
Leonard: My mom told me never to dick strangers.
Wander: Shouldn’t you be at school?
Leonard: I’m like fifty years old, I just die a lot.
Leonard: Everyone on that bus was born after I was dead.
Leonard: I’ve made out with chicks who’ve been dead since the neighbourhood had a different name.
Leonard: But… things are looking up.
Wander: And I am looking away.
Leonard: Got that stretchskeleton cheat handy?
Wander: This needs to stop.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Sure, run to Abigail. Snitch.
Wander: I meant the skeleton-stretching.
Wander: It suuuuuucks
Wander: The Murphy-fucking is also bad.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: That was a FANTASTIC segue.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: So thanks for that!
Wander: I live to serve! Spaghetti.
Andrew: YOU’RE GETTING LAZY
Andrew: TRY WALKING OCCASIONALLY
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Hey Abs!
Leonard: We’re working out!
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: YOU’RE NOT WORKING OUT
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Haven’t you seen, like, any media? Cloning always goes hilariously wrong.
Andrew: At this point, mom, it’s basically your fault.
Andrew: Because HOW HAVE YOU NOT DEALT WITH THIS YET
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Maybe I just don’t give a shit anymore.
Wander: At least you’ve got a plotline! YAY FOR STILLBORN CHARACTERS!
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: I’m sure he’ll find something for you to do.
Leonard: Like he found someone for you to do?
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: I found you alright on my own, thanks.
Leonard: She finds me alright.
Wander: You can do better than fucking a clone of your mom!
Leonard: …ew. If that somehow becomes a thing, please stop it from happening.
Leonard: …she’s a what.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: It’s more complicated than that.
Leonard: HOW MUCH MORE
Wander: She’s not related to you.
Leonard: That’s… good?
Wander: But she’s got your mom’s memories.
Leonard: That’s HORRIFIC.
Wander: And face.
I’m really sorry, dude.
I had no idea what a difference some makeup could make.
Leonard: Why do I always get fucked over?
Wander: Because you’re the butt monkey of the butt monkey family.
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Look on the bright side! I think she’s fucked all of you now. Except the gay one.
Leonard: I think Kyle’s bi.
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: …SHIT
Wander: I’ll warn him if I see him.
Next time: she doesn’t see him.
This chapter depicts gameplay from 26 December 2012.