The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 462

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates every damn day!

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In which the neighbourhood is toured.

Leonard: We’re gonna go on a TOUR!
Bradleigh: You’re dreaming if you think it’s us.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Yeah, I think we all know who the Maker’s here to see.

Bradleigh: Say “hi” to some dicks for me.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: How ’bout all the dicks?

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: I’m all about dem fellas.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Phalluses.


Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Fellatio?

No, Angelo.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Well Angelo there!

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Oh, I can get a clearer view without my fucking hand in the way! Neat!

Evelyn: That’s one long thought bubble you’ve got there.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: I’ve got excellent focus.

Brooke: Please don’t focus on me.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: You look like a man who’s done something terrible… in bed.

Alec Prince the Damned: And in my pants! Just this moment.

Evelyn: You can borrow mine.

Stewart: Do you know who that is?
Laci: Yep.
Stewart: …well?
Laci: What?

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Wanna cause a panic at the grocery store?
Alec Prince the Damned: You gonna buy up all the toilet paper?

Panic at the Grocery Store is my new favourite band name.

Laci: I want to talk about my self-contained prison storyline.
Stewart: Not with sex about to happen, you’re not.

Laci: Okay, no, but Neil…
Stewart: See, it’s already fading out.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: It’s the magic of boobs.

Laci: Get your boobs out of my chapter.
Stewart: She thinks it’s her chapter.
Alec Prince the Damned: You think I want to talk to you.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: I didn’t come here for talkin’ or thinkin’!

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Not even dancin’.

Alec Prince the Damned: What about close dancing?
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Only if it’s a euphemism.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: You know, you can just get groceries delivered.
Alec Prince the Damned: HOW DOES THIS PLACE STAY OPEN

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Okay, I thought for sure “pillow fight” would turn out to be a euphemism.

Alec Prince the Damned: I never use euphemisms for violence.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: It’s good to be true to yourself.

Alec Prince the Damned: It’s good to be a fuckin’ idiot in public.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Not as good as being a fuckin’ fucker in pubic!

I thought you were supposed to be a clone of Abigail.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Just because I’m smart enough not to talk like an idiot doesn’t mean I’m not gonna talk like an idiot!

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: When in Sharpesvale, do as the Sharpes do.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Unless they’re doing boring, stupid things.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Then just do sex.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Why so you mad, mad man?

Alec Prince the Damned: All the people I’ve abused have abused me back.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: There should be a law!

Alec Prince the Damned: I just saw someone I straight-up murdered walking around!
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: The nerve!

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: You know what has lots of nerves?
Alec Prince the Damned: I’m gonna guess genitals.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Genitals is always the right answer.

Alec Prince the Damned: Your over-the-top enthusiasm is a little off-putting.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: I can see why you’re damned.

Jeremy: Hey! Grats on not being me.
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Hey, I try.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: SEX FACE
Alec Prince the Damned: IT’S SCARY

Alec Prince the Damned: I love scary.

Ian: That photorealistic texture looks like ASS.
Stewart: Oh no, not more reasons to hate me!

Brooke: There were already so many.

Alec Prince the Damned: What do you think?
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: It’s what I always want!
Alec Prince the Damned: You mean “always wanted”?
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Both!

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Let’s bring that laser focus back in.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: OH YEAH BABY, PUT YOUR LASER IN MY FOCUS!

Alec Prince the Damned: This dialogue is getting thoroughly out of control.

WEDNESDAY: Yeah, how did we get to this point?

I blame ENTROPY.

Alec Prince the Damned: I blame the Maxis Sims.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: I blame the Maker.

I also blame the Maker.

Neila Sharpe the Witch: The Maker is a perv.
Alec Prince the Damned: GET DOWN HERE BABY, THEY CALL THIS “AISLE THREE” FOR A REASON

Alec Prince the Damned: He made me say that.

Call me a perv.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Perversion is the only version that counts.

Jeremy: Hey baby, what’s say you and me-
Ally: Catch diseases from these naked people?

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: That hem looks familiar.

Neila Sharpe the Witch: Isn’t life just grand?
Victor: NO
Neila Sharpe the Witch: I know, right?!

Victor: So, is there a queue, or…?

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Aww, sulky baby.

Alec Prince the Damned: Looking for new surfaces?
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Looking for new partners.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Hmm, I’ll bet Neil’s always wished he could fuck Abigail.
Alec Prince the Damned: FUCK HIM IN THE ASS

Neil: I mean, if it’s the only way I can get it…

Neil: You look… familiar.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: That’s just my witchiness.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Y’know… witches and familiars?
Neil: No.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: As in, little minion things-
Neil: No.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Whatever. Sex?
Neil: Yes.

Neil: How are we in love already? We just met.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: I did say I’m a witch.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: But no, it’s my magic biology. “In love” comes before “in bed” in this game, and I’m designed to skip straight to the last “in.”

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: I start at “in heat,” if you’re wondering.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: You know what’s funny?
Neil: Cheating!
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Took the symbol right out of my speech bubble!
Neila’s Bust: *dominates*

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Have you seen any Murphies around lately?
Neil: I actively try not to notice them, so no.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: I could be offended, you know.
Neil: But that would interrupt the sexing.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Yeah, definitely not worth it.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: You look… familiar.
Alec Prince the Damned: I AIN’T YOUR FAMILIAR, BITCH!

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: WITCH. The word is WITCH!

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: ‘sup, meaty beaty big and bouncy?

Neil: I don’t like The Who.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Oh. I thought you would.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: ‘cuz’n you’re so old.

WEDNESDAY: How did you even get UP there?

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: OH YEAH BABY, SQUEEZE MY TOMATOES

Neil: It’s not nice to squeeze fruit.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: I never knew orange juice wasn’t nice!

Neil: Oh MAN, you’re SOMETHING.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: So are you, if just barely.

Neil: Are you getting bored up there? I’ve got a nine-inch penis!
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Ever see a teenager try to play a Stratocaster?

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: The girth was nice, though your skill was lacking.
Neil: Thanks!

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Swing by the house some time and I’ll give you lessons.
Neil: I don’t have a Stratocaster.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: You’re an idiot.
Neil: You just figuring that out? Guess Abigail couldn’t clone memories.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: We’ll leave that ambiguous for now.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Wanna fuck?
Victor: We’ll not leave that ambiguous for now!

Victor: You’re attracting quite the crowd.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: I’m attracting everyone.

Neil: WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME YOU MADE A SEX YOU

Victor: Please do not assault people.

Neil: I’ve got so many friends my arms are broken!
Stewart: I don’t even have enough friends for a sprain.

Victor: How come the vegetable aisle is deserted?

Try the canned goods section if you want to see traffic.

Victor: I don’t like Traffic.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: ‘cuz you’re so young.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: So, is that big dick genetic?
Victor: You’re the scientist clone, you tell me.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: We’re not called clones.
Victor: What are you called?
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: I forget, it’s been a lot of chapters since then.

WEDNESDAY: Yeah, I don’t even remember how I got out of that basement.

Brooke: There’s not enough hand sanitizer in the world.

Neil: Do us proud, son.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Do me loud!

Contessa Lucy Toyonaga: Listen to them – children of the night.
Victor: TAKE IT BABY
Contessa Lucy Toyonaga: What music they make.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: FUCK ME FUCK ME

Contessa Lucy Toyonaga: YOU DON’T KNOW WHERE THAT WALL’S BEEN!

Stewart: I got dibs on the next ride.

Victor: Check my stamina, gramps!
Neil: Your father will be so thrilled.

Neila Sharpe the Witch: So, you gonna introduce us, or what?

Neila Sharpe the Witch: I’m Neila Sharpe the Witch!
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: I’m having sex with your brother.

Victor: She has a conditional identity.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Hey baby, wanna define me?

Stewart: I feel like I know you from somewhere.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Don’t follow that feeling.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: What happened to you?
Grugly Prime: Don’t even remember, honestly.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: I don’t think I’m allowed to get involved with management.
Grugly Prime: Aw.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Man, it’s good to be hot.

♪ Bring the bacon and put it in the pan ♪

Stewart: That’s unsanitary.
Brooke: We need to get dividers.

♪ Got my own, baby, life is grand ♪

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: RING ME UP

♪ Every move I make is just a part of my plan ♪

Brody: You know, you have the right to refuse unsafe work.

♪ And I do it just because you said I can’t ♪

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: IT DIDN’T EVEN OCCUR TO ME THAT SHE WOULD!

Stewart: Hi mom! Do you know this lady?

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: NOT AS WELL AS YOU DO, APPARENTLY

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: ♪ I’m a whole lotta clone-ass Simerican woman! ♪

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Do you want to tell him, or should I?

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: I don’t want to.

Jeremy: What a pretty picture.
Ryan: Your taste stinks.

Victor: It’s more of a sculpture.

Victor: A living sculpture!
Stewart: But not a participatory one.

Victor: It’s got elements of goth… punk…
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: SPUNK!
Brooke: Stank.

Victor: Can you do something about these feet?
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: It’s a software problem. I’m a hardware monkey.

Brooke: Okay, I quit.

Brooke: Turns out I can’t quit.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Capitalism!
Brooke: Programming.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Thanks Centreborough, I’ve been beautiful.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: A light in your smoggy sky.


Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: I don’t know how everyone else lives with themselves for being themselves.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Myself is definitely the way to go.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Hey there, not-me!
Bradleigh: You been reading The Family Circus?

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Nope.
Bradleigh and Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Nobody has.

Bradleigh: I need a title.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Oh, here come the chickens to not their home to not roost.

Alec Prince the Damned: I can promise you the world.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: I only want the pointy bits.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Someone take a pic of this and send it to Laci.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: So, you gonna tell him?
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: He’s having a hard enough time as it is, being who he is.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Which isn’t to say I’m above giving men hard times…

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Mmm, taste that mailman sweat.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Why did I do that.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Hi there! I’m your dream woman.
Andrew: Dream on.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: I like a man who’s so old he doesn’t even want to have sex anymore.

Andrew: Met any lately?

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: What say you and I go check out your mom’s lab?
Andrew: I’m not big on any sentence including the phrases “check out” and “your mom,” so be careful.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: What you don’t know…
Andrew: …is probably an international conspiracy.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: I’m more concerned with a certain domestic plot.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: STOP FUCKING MY CHILDREN, BEATRIZ

Andrew: Wait, who else has she fucked?
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Who else has she encountered.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Get your grey ass out of here.
Andrew: My ass has been on pretty prominent display lately, and I have it on great authority that it might be pasty, but it is most assuredly not grey.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: ‘k! Take all your unnecessary words with you when you go!

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: You’ll thank me when I get up the urge to tell you about the bullet I just dodged you from.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Not if he thanks me first.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Which way did she go?

Her own way.


Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: What’re you doing here?
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Oh, you know! Calling it another lonely day.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Don’t mind me.
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: It’s getting increasingly difficult.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Let’s see if we can’t nail down that no-family-ties bug.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Fix the barn door while the cows are still very much wandering around in Centreborough, fucking my sons.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: I’m here. Are you coming.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Get it?

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: No, she’s sciencing, she wouldn’t notice a second zombie apocalypse right now.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Speaking of which, aren’t we due?

The next apocalypse, when it comes, will be largely unrelated to zombies.

Darryl: Not my poo puddle.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Whose poo puddle is it?
Darryl: We think of it as a communal poo puddle.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Give up your seat for the old hag.
Darryl: Verbal elder abuse is hot. And mean.

Andrew: And hot. I didn’t hear the first line, should I have joined in?
Some Fuckin’ Chick: I would say no.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Hey baby, my skirt’s falling apart.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Let me rip into yours.
Andrew: It’s not a SKIRT
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Then why’s it so LOW

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: I’m really hoping to find a hardware solution to incest.

You might want to hurry.

Darryl: Why am I doing this?

Caryl: Why are you doing this?

CARYL AND DARRYL!

Too Walking Dead, actually. Cancel it.

Also maybe cancel this?

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: No gods or kings, only sex.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Ow! Convenient/inconvenient neck crick!

Andrew: Do you hear a hum?
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Yeah, I’m still humming that song from earlier.

Beatriz: ♪ Bring the bacon and I’ll put it in the pan ♪

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: ♪ Got my own, baby, life is grand ♪
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Is this thing humming?

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: ♪ Every move I make is just a part of my –

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: “FWOOSH”?

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Miraculously unaffected!
Andrew: ….
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Other than a momentary flush of feeling in my, well, you know.
Andrew:

Andrew: …it was only momentary for you because it ran straight up my urethra.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Why are my sensors picking up urethras in there?

Andrew: Ow, I banged my sex on the ceiling.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: If I gave you an STD, I can’t say it’ll come as a shock.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: …are you okay?
Andrew: I feel kinda funny.
Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Funny how?
Andrew: Zany scientific mishap funny.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: That’s not funny at all.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: …it’s a little funny.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: I am not putting this mop back in my inventory.

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: This is definitely the cliffhanger, right?

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: Or are you waiting for a pithy final quote?

Beatriz Young the Nice Witch: … WELL THEM’S THE SEXIN’S

That’ll do.

Next time: an unexpected twist.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 25 December 2012 to 26 December 2012.

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