Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates every damn day!
In which it’s just two of those days.
Cynthia: Wow, two? Look who’s being slightly less lazy.
It’s a matter of pure necessity, I assure you.
William: I would also like to characterize what I’m about to do as a matter of pure necessity.
William: Ooh! A gauntlet.
Penny: Gauntlet is a nerd word.
Penny: So… push her over, already.
Penny: Or yeah, I guess I could do the butt jump.
William: I’ll thank you not to call my family’s heritage “the butt jump.”
Penny: How is it your family’s heritage?
William: My dad learned it from a ninja.
Penny: Isn’t it the ninja’s heritage, then?
William: Foreigners can’t have heritage.
Penny: You’re fucking with me.
William: Not yet, but I hope to be soon!
William: We need some really base betrayal in this story, it’s been either too minor or too extreme lately.
Penny: You realize that if you fuck one more of Andrew’s lovers…
William: I’ll win a prize?
Penny: I like to think I’m already the prize.
William: I like to think that, too!
Penny: I shouldn’t be doing you. THIS! I shouldn’t be doing you. THIS! I SHOULDN’T BE DOING Y-Y-Y-THIS!
William: Your language centre apparently begs to differ.
Penny: Really nine inches?
William: Really nine inches. Ten, in the book series!
Penny: Book series me is super lucky.
William: Maybe there’ll be a crossover some day and you can ask her how it was.
William: Want to head back to my place? It’s private.
Penny: I know somewhere more private.
William: Come on! My kids won’t pry.
Victor: Father! What art thou engaged in at this late hour?!
Victor: Bye, ringface!
William: …what the fuck is this.
Penny: It’s private. Like I promised.
William: HAHAHA no really what the fuck.
Penny: It’s a living monument to what a bad idea cheating on Andrew is.
Victor: THIS IS A LIVING MONUMENT TO A DATE I HAD ONCE
Victor: WITH THIS GUY’S EX-WIFE
William: He blew up his bedroom.
William: And took out all the doors.
William: And left it like this.
William: Because I fucked Cameron in here.
Penny: So wherever we do end up fucking, don’t make it somewhere you don’t want blown up.
William: We could do it in his car.
William: Hey, who’s this guy? Do you know this guy? I don’t know this guy.
Penny: If you’re gonna throw your voice, don’t throw it off-panel!
Penny: Throw it into my lungs.
William: Baby, I don’t care what your man blows up.
Penny: What if he blows you up?
William: There’s plenty of hot chicks in hell.
Penny: Good one.
Penny: Take me with you!
William: To hell?
Penny: To Sharpestone!
William: So, hell, then.
Andrew: AT LEAST ASK ME A RIDDLE OR SOMETHING
Penny: I can hear him downstairs.
William: We can teleport.
Penny: He can teleport.
William: Yeah, but how likely is he to teleport in here?
Penny: More likely if he hears us!
William: So let’s talk into each other’s mouths.
Andrew: You can really hear the pipes, late at night.
Andrew: So wet sounding.
Penny: It’s not just the sound.
William: Yeah, I’d be changing my boxers when I get home, if I was the kind of person who changes his boxers regularly.
Penny: It’s so hot that you’re so gross.
William: Friends who fuck are best friends.
Penny: Fuck your friends!
William: It’ll be a while before Sharpestone comes around in the rotation.
Penny: I can wait. Can you?
William: One more kiss and I’ll be forced to wait.
Penny: The second jizz-in-pants joke is a sign you need to leave.
William: That I only managed two is a sign I’m slowing down.
Penny: I wonder if, twenty years from now, no house will have doors.
Andrew: It’s not THAT bad! I’ve had SEX with that hand.
Andrew: That came out wrong.
Cynthia: IT’S NOT THE ONLY THING
Andrew: Yeah, time for some spring cleaning.
Andrew: Don’t look at me like that. I’ve been busy.
I think this might be a heat loss issue.
I think this might be a fluid loss issue.
Andrew: I think this house has too many issues.
Andrew: STOP BEING AN ISSUE
Muse: .oO(More like a PISSUE)
Muse: .oO(Piss you off!)
FRIDAY: ♪ waaaaaakiiiiiiiiiiiing uuuuuuuuuup iiiiiiiiiin the morrrrrrniiiiiiiiiing ♪
Blazej: Okay! Drive off the lot, cease to exist, wait for the next carpool.
WEDNESDAY: And they call us robots.
Penny: We hardly call them anything, anymore.
Blazej: That was a short oblivion!
FRIDAY: ♪ Gotta have… my… bowl! ♪
WEDNESDAY: If he asks for cereal…
Andrew: Shut him off.
Andrew: I hate that fucking song.
WEDNESDAY: “That Fucking Song” is a great song!
It’s one of Ember’s best.
Mallory: What you listening to?
Nathaniel: That Fucking Song! ♪ Oh yeah baby, grab my tits / Love my lovely lumps to bits! ♪
And then he exploded.
Franklin: At least the hot chick was unaffected.
Franklin: But you know who really needs exploding?
Tell him to fuck Penny, then.
At least that way she won’t be UNCLE-FUCKING
Angelica: Jeez, you fuck ONE uncle…
This better not be about…
This BETTER NOT be about…
WHY IS THIS ALWAYS ABOUT?!
Franklin: Yeah, estafu about Lucas Perez.
Angelica: IT’S MURPHY SLANG FOR SHUT THE FUCK UP!
I honestly, honestly left that tiny little dome light nipple at the top of the frame for all these pics because I thought it was hilarious how slightly it impinged.
Mallory: You dorks have your own slang, now?
Mallory: I wish you were still fat.
Mallory: SO I COULD BE MEAN ABOUT IT
Nathaniel: ♪ Oh yeah baby, kiss my gash / pound my buttocks into mash! ♪
Cory: I don’t know if I want to be in such a Murphy-centric update.
Wren: How ’bout a Murphy-tantric update? Some Murphies are also Foxes.
Wren: Wanna Fox?
Wren: Perhaps that was unclear. Wanna fu-
Cory: It was pretty clear.
Cory: And the answer is always yes.
Wren: I like to be fuck-wanted.
Wren: Should we make out first?
Lyndsey Price the Witch: No, WE should.
Cory: We could have a threesome! It would be a great bonding exercise for you guys.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: More like a bondage exercise.
Wren: Don’t tease.
Cory: Let me tread your arduous paths of greatness.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: You gonna pull Wren’s kidnapped sister out of your hat, first?
Wren: Never let family get in the way of a good fuckin’, Lyndsey.
Cory: Yeah, that’s more of a Sharpe thing.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: Aren’t the first twenty-four hours key?
Cory: It’s been months since she was kidnapped. And also a year.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: And also a few hours!
Cory: The point is, time is meaningless.
Wren: Sex isn’t!
Wren: I will fuck you in exchange for your full attention on the case of my missing sister.
Cory: Is she also hot?
Wren: She is a baby.
Cory: A babe?
Wren: No. A baby.
Cory: A really immature babe?
Cory: There’s a pointer over your head.
Wren: Is it pointing to the piano?
Wren: Guess we’re fuckin’ on the piano, then!
Wren: It’s super hot how you keep staring at her instead of me.
Wren: Here, have this metaphor for the pleasure and pain of love.
Cory: So symbolic!
Cory: Alright, clothes off.
Wren: First comes snog, then comes fuckage!
Cory: When does dumb dancing come in?
Wren: Whenever the Want arises.
Cory: What are you staring at?
Wren: Your tits.
Wren: DUDES SEEM TO THINK IT’S FINE
Wren: How big are you?
Cory: Six feet.
Wren: Wow! You must have really stretchy pants.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: ♪ Which spell can I learn? ♪
Wren: TWO CHAPTERS OF FRIDAY JOKES
It was only gonna be one chapter, but then I got very tired.
From the first few Friday jokes.
I wonder if there are any songs about Wednesdays.
Wren: It’s Saturday right now.
In your world?
Wren: In our world.
Cory: You know what they say about Saturday night, don’t you?
Cory: It’s alright.
Wren: Don’t give me none of your aggravation.
Cory: Let’s get a little action in.
It’s not actually night.
Cory: We don’t actually care.
Cory: I should warn you, I’m a super cool antihero.
Cory: I know that makes me irresistible to you.
Wren: It does.
Saturday evening’s alright for fuckin’.
SO GET TO IT
I shouldn’t complain.
Their hands are lined up correctly for a change.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: ♪ SATURDAY! SATURDAY! SAAATURDAY! SATURDAY! SATURDAY! SAAATURDAY! SATURDAY! SATURDAY! SATURDAY ♪
Cory: ♪ Night’s alright! ♪
Wren: Only alright?
Lyndsey Price the Witch: ♪ Get about as oiled as a diesel train ♪
Cory: It would explain my muscle definition.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: ♪ Gonna set this dance alight ♪
Cory: I never knew the words to this!
Wren: Elton John has permanent marble-mouth.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: ♪ ‘cuz Saturday night’s the night I like ♪
Wren: I’m getting pumped from above and below!
Lyndsey Price the Witch: ♪ Saturday night’s alright ♪
Lyndsey Price the Witch: ♪ Alright! ♪
Cory: Yeah, I just blew a load on your piano.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: …ew.
Wren: How do we disengage?
Cory: Very carefully.
Cory: Was it good for you?
Wren: I’d have pushed you off if it wasn’t.
Cory: I respect that.
Wren: You afraid to move?
Cory: I’m afraid there’ll be an eruption.
Cory: Welp, it’s seven o’clock.
Cory: And I still wanna rock.
Wren: You are a rock.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: Well, go on. I’m all out of lyrical road.
Cory: It’s magnetic.
Cory: It helps that her skintone has an actual vagina on it.
Wren: And my actual vagina has an actual dick in it.
Cory: The dick wants what the dick wants.
Cory: She’s… not actually any good, is she.
Wren: She’s no gay British man, that’s for sure.
Cory: Does he get extra piano-playing prowess from being gay?
Wren: Yes. Straight people play straight piano, which is deeply inferior to gay piano.
Wren: WHY WOULD I WANT TO TALK TO WHOEVER YOU ARE
Wren: I’m trying to ring a banana phone over here.
I wonder if that’s ever been used as a sexual metaphor before.
Who you chatting with?
Wren: Some guy named Marco.
What’s he up to?
Wren: Some really slow scheme.
Wren: I’m more of a fast woman, myself.
Cory: Mind if I join you?
Wren: Mind if you don’t!
Cory: That meant…
Wren: It meant yes, I know it could be taken both ways.
Cory: YOU can be taken both ways!
Cory: Anyway I appreciate your commitment to the phrase symmetry.
Wren: Monogamy blows.
Cory: AND SO DO YOU
Lyndsey Price the Witch: Like nobody’s business!
Cory: You could MAKE a business out of it.
Wren: That sounds like work.
Wren: I don’t even like getting dressed.
Cory: That would make the solicitation process simultaneously much harder and much easier.
Wren: What are you staring at?
Cory: Your tits.
Cory: I THINK THEY’RE FINE
Wren: I think you’re fine.
Cory: I’m strictly terrible, actually.
Wren: Well hey, good luck with that!
Lyndsey Price the Witch: Yeah, there’s not enough terrible in the world today.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION
Lyndsey Price the Witch: It’s the Simerican Way!
Next time: mayhem in the grocery store.
You can’t get that in the real world!
This chapter depicts gameplay from 25 December 2012.