The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 461

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates every damn day!

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In which it’s just two of those days.


Cynthia: Wow, two? Look who’s being slightly less lazy.

It’s a matter of pure necessity, I assure you.

William: I would also like to characterize what I’m about to do as a matter of pure necessity.

William: Ooh! A gauntlet.

Penny: Gauntlet is a nerd word.

Penny: So… push her over, already.

Penny: Or yeah, I guess I could do the butt jump.

William: I’ll thank you not to call my family’s heritage “the butt jump.”

Penny: How is it your family’s heritage?
William: My dad learned it from a ninja.
Penny: Isn’t it the ninja’s heritage, then?
William: Foreigners can’t have heritage.

Penny: You’re fucking with me.
William: Not yet, but I hope to be soon!

William: We need some really base betrayal in this story, it’s been either too minor or too extreme lately.

Penny: You realize that if you fuck one more of Andrew’s lovers…
William: I’ll win a prize?

Penny: I like to think I’m already the prize.
William: I like to think that, too!

Penny: I shouldn’t be doing you. THIS! I shouldn’t be doing you. THIS! I SHOULDN’T BE DOING Y-Y-Y-THIS!
William: Your language centre apparently begs to differ.

Penny: Really nine inches?
William: Really nine inches. Ten, in the book series!

Penny: Book series me is super lucky.
William: Maybe there’ll be a crossover some day and you can ask her how it was.

William: Want to head back to my place? It’s private.
Penny: I know somewhere more private.
William: Come on! My kids won’t pry.

Victor: Father! What art thou engaged in at this late hour?!

Victor: Bye, ringface!

William: …what the fuck is this.
Penny: It’s private. Like I promised.

William: HAHAHA no really what the fuck.
Penny: It’s a living monument to what a bad idea cheating on Andrew is.

Victor: THIS IS A LIVING MONUMENT TO A DATE I HAD ONCE

Victor: WITH THIS GUY’S EX-WIFE

William: He blew up his bedroom.
Penny: Yep.
William: And took out all the doors.
Penny: Yep.
William: And left it like this.
Penny: Yep.
William: Because I fucked Cameron in here.
Penny: Yep.

Penny: So wherever we do end up fucking, don’t make it somewhere you don’t want blown up.

William: We could do it in his car.

William: Hey, who’s this guy? Do you know this guy? I don’t know this guy.

Penny: If you’re gonna throw your voice, don’t throw it off-panel!

Penny: Throw it into my lungs.

William: Baby, I don’t care what your man blows up.

Penny: What if he blows you up?
William: There’s plenty of hot chicks in hell.

Penny: Good one.

Penny: Take me with you!
William: To hell?
Penny: To Sharpestone!
William: So, hell, then.

Andrew: AT LEAST ASK ME A RIDDLE OR SOMETHING

Penny: I can hear him downstairs.
William: We can teleport.
Penny: He can teleport.
William: Yeah, but how likely is he to teleport in here?
Penny: More likely if he hears us!

William: So let’s talk into each other’s mouths.

Andrew: You can really hear the pipes, late at night.

Andrew: So wet sounding.

Penny: It’s not just the sound.

William: Yeah, I’d be changing my boxers when I get home, if I was the kind of person who changes his boxers regularly.

Penny: It’s so hot that you’re so gross.

William: Friends who fuck are best friends.

Penny: Fuck your friends!

William: It’ll be a while before Sharpestone comes around in the rotation.
Penny: I can wait. Can you?
William: One more kiss and I’ll be forced to wait.

Penny: The second jizz-in-pants joke is a sign you need to leave.

William: That I only managed two is a sign I’m slowing down.

Penny: I wonder if, twenty years from now, no house will have doors.

Andrew: It’s not THAT bad! I’ve had SEX with that hand.

Andrew: That came out wrong.
Cynthia: IT’S NOT THE ONLY THING

Andrew: Yeah, time for some spring cleaning.

Andrew: Don’t look at me like that. I’ve been busy.

I think this might be a heat loss issue.

I think this might be a fluid loss issue.

Andrew: I think this house has too many issues.

Andrew: STOP BEING AN ISSUE

Muse: .oO(More like a PISSUE)

Muse: .oO(Piss you off!)

FRIDAY: ♪ waaaaaakiiiiiiiiiiiing uuuuuuuuuup iiiiiiiiiin the morrrrrrniiiiiiiiiing ♪

Blazej: Okay! Drive off the lot, cease to exist, wait for the next carpool.
WEDNESDAY: And they call us robots.

Penny: We hardly call them anything, anymore.

Blazej: That was a short oblivion!

FRIDAY: ♪ Gotta have… my… bowl!

WEDNESDAY: If he asks for cereal…
Andrew: Shut him off.

Andrew: I hate that fucking song.

WEDNESDAY: “That Fucking Song” is a great song!

It’s one of Ember’s best.

Mallory: What you listening to?
Nathaniel: That Fucking Song! ♪ Oh yeah baby, grab my tits / Love my lovely lumps to bits! ♪

And then he exploded.

Franklin: At least the hot chick was unaffected.

Franklin: But you know who really needs exploding?

Tell him to fuck Penny, then.

Or Angelica.

At least that way she won’t be UNCLE-FUCKING

Angelica: Jeez, you fuck ONE uncle…

This better not be about…

This BETTER NOT be about…

WHY IS THIS ALWAYS ABOUT?!

Franklin: Yeah, estafu about Lucas Perez.
Mallory: …”estafu”?

Angelica: IT’S MURPHY SLANG FOR SHUT THE FUCK UP!

I honestly, honestly left that tiny little dome light nipple at the top of the frame for all these pics because I thought it was hilarious how slightly it impinged.

Honestly honestly.

Mallory: You dorks have your own slang, now?

Mallory: I wish you were still fat.

Mallory: SO I COULD BE MEAN ABOUT IT

Nathaniel: ♪ Oh yeah baby, kiss my gash / pound my buttocks into mash! ♪

Pure art.


Cory: I don’t know if I want to be in such a Murphy-centric update.

Wren: How ’bout a Murphy-tantric update? Some Murphies are also Foxes.

Wren: Wanna Fox?

Wren: Perhaps that was unclear. Wanna fu-
Cory: It was pretty clear.

Cory: And the answer is always yes.

Wren: I like to be fuck-wanted.

Wren: Should we make out first?
Lyndsey Price the Witch: No, WE should.

Cory: We could have a threesome! It would be a great bonding exercise for you guys.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: More like a bondage exercise.
Wren: Don’t tease.

Cory: Let me tread your arduous paths of greatness.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: You gonna pull Wren’s kidnapped sister out of your hat, first?
Wren: Never let family get in the way of a good fuckin’, Lyndsey.

Cory: Yeah, that’s more of a Sharpe thing.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Aren’t the first twenty-four hours key?
Cory: It’s been months since she was kidnapped. And also a year.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: And also a few hours!
Cory: The point is, time is meaningless.

Wren: Sex isn’t!

Wren: I will fuck you in exchange for your full attention on the case of my missing sister.
Cory: Is she also hot?
Wren: She is a baby.
Cory: A babe?
Wren: No. A baby.
Cory: A really immature babe?

Cory: There’s a pointer over your head.
Wren: Is it pointing to the piano?
Cory: Yeah.
Wren: Guess we’re fuckin’ on the piano, then!

Wren: It’s super hot how you keep staring at her instead of me.

Wren: Here, have this metaphor for the pleasure and pain of love.

Cory: So symbolic!

Cory: Alright, clothes off.
Wren: First comes snog, then comes fuckage!

Cory: When does dumb dancing come in?
Wren: Whenever the Want arises.

Cory: What are you staring at?
Wren: Your tits.
Cory: My…
Wren: DUDES SEEM TO THINK IT’S FINE

Wren: How big are you?
Cory: Six feet.
Wren: Wow! You must have really stretchy pants.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: ♪ Which spell can I learn? ♪

Wren: TWO CHAPTERS OF FRIDAY JOKES

It was only gonna be one chapter, but then I got very tired.

From the first few Friday jokes.

I wonder if there are any songs about Wednesdays.

Wren: It’s Saturday right now.

In your world?

Wren: In our world.
Cory: You know what they say about Saturday night, don’t you?

Cory: It’s alright.

Wren: Don’t give me none of your aggravation.

Cory: Let’s get a little action in.

It’s not actually night.

Cory: We don’t actually care.

Cory: I should warn you, I’m a super cool antihero.

Cory: I know that makes me irresistible to you.
Wren: It does.

Saturday evening’s alright for fuckin’.

SO GET TO IT

I shouldn’t complain.

Their hands are lined up correctly for a change.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: ♪ SATURDAY! SATURDAY! SAAATURDAY! SATURDAY! SATURDAY! SAAATURDAY! SATURDAY! SATURDAY! SATURDAY ♪

Cory: ♪ Night’s alright! ♪

Wren: Only alright?

Lyndsey Price the Witch: ♪ Get about as oiled as a diesel train ♪
Cory: It would explain my muscle definition.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: ♪ Gonna set this dance alight ♪
Cory: I never knew the words to this!
Wren: Elton John has permanent marble-mouth.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: ♪ ‘cuz Saturday night’s the night I like ♪
Wren: I’m getting pumped from above and below!

Lyndsey Price the Witch: ♪ Saturday night’s alright ♪
Cory: ALRIGHT
Lyndsey Price the Witch: ♪ Alright! ♪
Wren: Ooohoooohooh…

Cory: Yeah, I just blew a load on your piano.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: …ew.

Wren: How do we disengage?
Cory: Very carefully.

Cory: Was it good for you?
Wren: I’d have pushed you off if it wasn’t.

Cory: I respect that.

Wren: You afraid to move?
Cory: I’m afraid there’ll be an eruption.

Cory: Sploogecano.

Cory: Welp, it’s seven o’clock.

Cory: And I still wanna rock.
Wren: You are a rock.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Well, go on. I’m all out of lyrical road.

It’s genetic.

Cory: It’s magnetic.

Cory: It helps that her skintone has an actual vagina on it.
Wren: And my actual vagina has an actual dick in it.

Cory: The dick wants what the dick wants.

Cory: She’s… not actually any good, is she.
Wren: She’s no gay British man, that’s for sure.

Cory: Does he get extra piano-playing prowess from being gay?
Wren: Yes. Straight people play straight piano, which is deeply inferior to gay piano.

Wren: WHY WOULD I WANT TO TALK TO WHOEVER YOU ARE

Wren: I’m trying to ring a banana phone over here.

I wonder if that’s ever been used as a sexual metaphor before.

Who you chatting with?

Wren: Some guy named Marco.

What’s he up to?

Wren: Some really slow scheme.

Wren: I’m more of a fast woman, myself.

Cory: Mind if I join you?
Wren: Mind if you don’t!

Cory: That meant…
Wren: It meant yes, I know it could be taken both ways.
Cory: YOU can be taken both ways!

Cory: Anyway I appreciate your commitment to the phrase symmetry.

Wren: Monogamy blows.

Cory: AND SO DO YOU

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Like nobody’s business!

Cory: You could MAKE a business out of it.
Wren: That sounds like work.

Wren: I don’t even like getting dressed.
Cory: That would make the solicitation process simultaneously much harder and much easier.

Wren: What are you staring at?
Cory: Your tits.
Wren: My…
Cory: I THINK THEY’RE FINE

Wren: I think you’re fine.

Cory: I’m strictly terrible, actually.

Wren: Well hey, good luck with that!

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Yeah, there’s not enough terrible in the world today.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION

Lyndsey Price the Witch: It’s the Simerican Way!

Next time: mayhem in the grocery store.

You can’t get that in the real world!

This chapter depicts gameplay from 25 December 2012.

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