The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 459

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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In which swords and penii are swung with equal abandon.

Penny: I think William’s ready to go.
William: I’m always ready to go, baby.

Andrew: Tell him to fuck off.
Penny: Shh, shh.
Andrew: Tell him to fuck off!

Penny: Shh.

Andrew: I just spent several years in a fridge. I’ve been shushed long enough.

William: Want some stranglin’ lessons?

Leonard: TAMMY! WE AGREED! WE SPRING THE TRAP SIMULTANEOUSLY!

Tammy: I was hungry.

Penny: IT’S A TRAP
Andrew: Oh, now who’s the shitty nerd?

Penny: Nerd? Maybe. Shitty? Them’s fightin’ words.

Leonid: You ready NOW, Tammy?
Tammy: Ooh! These are on SALE!

Leonid: You gonna stand there and let your WOMAN protect you?!
Penny: Oh! You’re a misogynist! That makes this easier.

Andrew: DOUBLE BATTLE PROTOCOL

…Leonid is visible in the mirror in the previous pic…

…the walls are properly up in THIS pic…

BABY’S FIRST COMPOSITE

Some day half of my pics will be like this.

Penny: I hope I’m alive to see it.

Andrew: I hope friendly fire is turned off.

Tammy: I don’t know about friendly fire, but all these swingin’ swords in close proximity are definitely turning me off.

Jizelle: More on for us!

William: Who you callin’ a moron?

Andrew: THANKS FOR THE ASSIST, BILLY

Andrew: …okay, Tammy, let’s you and me take this outside.

Penny: I’m so sorry.
Andrew: Remember what angle it went in on, so you can tell the surgeon back home.

Andrew: DOUBLE BATTLE PROTOCOL SUCKS

Tammy: Do we actually need to sword fight?
Andrew: I don’t think anyone ever needs to sword fight.

Tammy: Let me know if you have any alternatives in mind.
Andrew: I have one, but you’re not gonna like it.

Andrew: Or survive it.

Penny: BONK! Hahaha.

Leonid: Ow, my dignity.

Tammy: OW, MY ATOMIC BONDS

Tammy: I think I need those!

Penny: Why do you work for ENTROPY?
Leonid: Because chaos and disorder at the only constants in the universe!
Penny: That’s not true!
Leonid: THEN WHY ARE THE WALLS DOWN AGAIN

Leonid: IT’S TOO LATE, I SAW IT

Andrew: It’s important to disintegrate someone every once in a while, just to remind yourself how horrific it is.

Penny: I feel the same way about exercise.

Penny: OH! Sorry! It’s really stuck in there, too.

Penny: Let me see if I can’t wiggle it out.

Penny: Oof, it’s really slidin’ around in there, eh?

Penny: It’s like I’m stirring a pot of Leonid Gut Soup!

Penny: I HATE LEONID GUT SOUP

Pong Grundstrom: Please, just… fuckin’ leave.

William: Not without a celebratory dance number!

Jizelle: Aren’t you gonna comfort her?
William: I only know one way to do that, and Chud won’t like it.

Jizelle: Who the fuck is CHUD.

William: I’ll tell you about it later, when I tell literally anyone I can get hold of about it. Later.

LE VOOMPF

Penny: Are you moving forward or falling backward?

William: Hey baby, wanna fall backward so I can move forward? In you?

Penny: I kinda do.

Penny: We’ll talk later.
William: We’ll fuck later.

William: That’s what she meant, though, isn’t it.
Penny: Yes.

Knut: Meditating on your many misdeeds?
Andrew: Setting up the floor for the celebratory dance number.

Tour Guide: Okay, okay, I can swing this. Uh… ancient SimJapanese ceremonial place-markers. They put them up to… uh… remind them where various people… died. Shit. No.

The Intriguing Charlatan: Don’t worry, I’ll have stolen them by morning.

Penny: So, which side are you on?
Local Chef: …of what? The counter? Can’t you tell?

Jizelle: Ooh, there’s a counter?

Jizelle: Meh. I bet ENTROPY has maids.

William: I’ve got a private bedroom.
Penny: That’s important.
William: High thread-count on the sheets.
Penny: That’s important.
William: A dick twice as long as Jerome’s.
Penny: That’s important.

William: …you look familiar.
Greg Reiner: You killed my brother!
William: …no, that’s not it.

Greg: You definitely did, though. Peter Reiner?
William: No, I get it, but I think I know you from something else. Something you were actually present for.

William: Unless you were present for me killing your brother.
Greg: Nah.
William: Wait! I’ve got it! You’re a fucking face template.

Greg: Guilty.
William: Sorry about your brother.
Greg: He’s not actually my brother. I’m another fuckin’ clone.
William: NOT ANOTHER FUCKIN’ CLONE

William: Man, there’s clones of ALL THE VILLAINS here. That’s a whole other storyline we could be doing!
Greg: What’s stopping you?
William: Arc fatigue.

Jizelle: Yeah, let’s get this road on the show.

The Intriguing Charlatan: Psst! You wanna buy a gravestone?
Andrew: I’ve probably got one coming to me free, sooner than later.

Greg: Is it true my clone-brother temporarily stole your wife?
William: I don’t want to talk about that.
Greg: Is it true my clone-brother’s real brother-
William: I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT MINOR CHARACTERS

Greg: He’s getting antsy because he wants to fuck his friend’s wife.

Local Chef: I don’t even have a character file. Don’t talk to me.

Andrew: She has a character file.

Yeah, she does.

Andrew: There’s just nothing in it.

William: Alright everyone, it’s TAKNU-12 time.

William: You know what’s hot? Not.

Greg: SPLATCH

Greg: *starts humming Bruce Springsteen*

William: ♪ I get up if you know what I mean in the evenin’ ♪

William: ♪ And I ain’t got nothin’ to say ♪
Andrew:

William: ♪ I come home in the… morning? ♪ I’m confused.
Andrew: ♪ I go to bed feeling the same way! ♪ Confused!

Penny: ♪ I ain’t nothin’ but tired. ♪
William: Too bad, we’re committed to the song now.

Penny: ♪ Man ♪

What?

Penny: ♪ I’m just tired ♪

Aw.

Penny: ♪ And bored with myself ♪

Aw.

William: ♪ Hey there, baby ♪

William: ♪ I could use just a little help ♪

Penny: ♪ You can’t start a fire ♪
Local Chef: ♪ You can’t start a fire without a permit ♪

Jizelle: Can anyone join, or just people who can’t dance?

William: ♪ These guns are for hire ♪ Baby!

Andrew: ♪ Even if we’re just dipshits in the dark! ♪
William: Baby!

Penny: ♪ Messages keep gettin’ clearer ♪
William: Oh, you noticed the erections?

Jizelle: ♪ Radio’s on ♪
Greg: No?
Jizelle: ♪ And I’m movin’ ’round the place ♪
Some Old Fucker: Yes!

William: ♪ I check my look in the mirror, often ♪

Tour Guide: ♪ Wanna change my clothes ♪

Penny: ♪ My hair ♪

Penny: ♪ MY FACE ♪

William: Every PENNY!
Andrew: HAHAHAHA

Andrew: ♪ Man… I ain’t gettin’ nowhere.
Some Old Fucker: ♪ I’m just livin’ in a dump like this ♪ If you can call this living

Andrew: ♪ …there’s somethin’ happenin’, somewhere ♪
William: I’LL SAY

Andrew: ♪ Baby ♪
Penny: Yeah?
Andrew:I just know there is

William: ♪ You can’t start a fire, Penny ♪
Penny: ♪ You can’t start a fire without a spark, William ♪

Penny: ♪ This heart’s for hire ♪

Jizelle: ♪ So I guess we’ll just walk home in the dark ♪


Anna: ♪ You sit around getting’ older ♪ hopefully


Tour Guide: ♪ There’s a joke somewhere, and it’s on me ♪

Jizelle: ♪ I’ll shake this world off my shoulders ♪
Andrew: ♪ Come on, baby, the laugh’s on me ♪
Tour Guide: ♪ STAY ON THE STREETS OF THIS TOWN AND THEY’LL BE CARVIN’ YOU UP ALRIGHT


William: ♪ They say you gotta stay hungry ♪

Penny: ♪ HEY BABY, I’M JUST ABOUT STARVIN’ TONIGHT ♪

Penny: ♪ I’m dyin’ for some action, ♪ if you know what I mean.

Man, me too.

♪ INSTEAD OF SITTIN’ ‘ROUND HERE TRYIN’ TO WRITE THIS BOOK ♪

Penny: ♪ I need a love reaction ♪ even if that’s a euphemism for an STI

Jizelle: ♪ Come on, now, baby, give me just one – ♪
William: ♪ DICKING ♪

Anna: Computer, play the not-at-all-ominously-named FinalFarewell.mp3.

Anna: And activate the escape bed.

Penny: Oh no! A Do Not Disturb sign! Those have door-locking properties!

Penny: You got a key?
William: In my pocket.
Jizelle: Or is he just glad to see us?!

Cynthia: If you’re hearing this message, the dentist brothers have successfully killed off most of ENTROPY, just as I planned, because I’m sick of y’all, you’re boring.

Corbin Gray: That’s fair.

Cynthia: Press the big red button on your remote control to be zapped away from the hotel room, no strings attached.

Cynthia: The mechanism doesn’t need strings. It works by induction!

Cynthia: You will now be roasted to a toasty seventy-two degrees.

Anna: SEVENTY-TWO DEGREES IS ROOM TEMPERATURE
Cynthia: Seventy-two degrees SQUARED
Anna: THAT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE

Anna: But it’s definitely working.

Anna: Man. Didn’t want to leave any threads hanging, did you.

I just didn’t want any more townie characters, honestly.

Penny: Yeah, townie characters-
Andrew:– like Jizelle –
Penny: – like Jizelle! Townie characters like Jizelle.
Jizelle: Aw! How kind of them!

Andrew: Are you stalking me?

The Grim Reaper: RELENTLESSLY.

Andrew: Anna’s dead WHY ARE YOU NAKED AGAIN
William: I’m jerkin’ off a load in her honour!

Andrew: We’re checking out.
Charles: Who the fuck are you?

Andrew: I’m the bald dentist with no beard who checked in the other day.
Penny: I’m super sorry I missed that.

Charles: I’d ask if you had a good vacation, but it’s clearly done wonders for you.

Charles: We’re putting you on our flyers.

William: Speaking of flyers…
Jizelle: No.
William: Why not?
Jizelle: Because while I have the power of flight, I do not have the power of trans-Pacific flight!

Penny: I’m not sure I’d want to be carried in a body bundle across the ocean anyway.

Charles: You killed those nice dentists and took their rooms, didn’t you.

Jizelle: I think I’m done being a hero. I’m gonna get a desk job.
William: What desk job are you qualified to do?
Jizelle: I am qualified to be a desk.

Jizelle: I have a strong back.

Andy: My baby got back as well.

Andrew: Time to take her back back.

Jizelle: Tie up my tongue so I can get that awful accent going again.

William: Like anyone wants that.

Most of my relationships have been the inverse of this image.

Jizelle: You are depressing.

I’ve always had that effect on myself, for sure.

Andrew: Another puzzle solved.

With minimal casualties.

Andrew: I wouldn’t say that, no.

♪ You can’t start a fire ♪

Andrew: We didn’t start the fire.

Andrew: It was always burning, since the world’s been turning.

♪ Sittin’ round, cryin’ over a broken heart ♪

Andrew: See you soon, Vanessa.

Andrew: ♪ This raygun’s for hire ♪

William: ♪ Even if I’m a snoggin’ patriarch ♪

Jizelle: ♪ You can’t start to fire ♪
Penny: Wish I could.

Jizelle: ♪ Worryin’ ’bout your little world fallin’ apart? ♪
William: It’s been a long time coming.

William: ♪ Time to retire ♪

♪ Even if we’re just drivin’ home this arc ♪

Next time: puttin’ the Murphies to bed.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 22 December 2012.

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