Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates every damn day!
In which we’re circling the proverbial.
You ’bout ready to wrap this thing up?
Andrew: And bring it home with me.
Vanessa: You callin’ me a thing?
Andrew: Man, got a little fuckin’ sad in my eyes.
Andrew: I love you like the wall is down, baby.
Vanessa: What’re we gonna do when we find your wife?
Andrew: Tell her I sold myself to you in exchange for your services?
Vanessa: Is that what this has been? A service?
Andrew: With a smile.
Andrew: Two smiles.
William: They done stakes-building in there yet?
Cynthia: It’s always important to develop relationships before a big battle, so the audience has something to worry about.
Cynthia: Then again, if the audience has read this far, they should pretty much always be worried.
Cynthia: PICK A MAN
Andrew: Pick ME.
William: Pick a pocket. That’s what I told one of my contacts! And they did.
Vanessa: We got a flight manifest. The plane that carried the bus here is owned by Omega Unlimited.
Andrew: Omega, Ω, is the symbol for ENTROPY.
Anna: Thanks, Wikipedia!
Andrew: Thanks, GRADUATE DEGREE IN THERMODYNAMICS
Andrew: So it was definitely the same bus that took Penny and whoever else away, before the house exploded.
Vanessa: And they’ve probably got Penny, and whoever else, somewhere in the Lucky Shrine Park.
Anna: Who’s this whoever else?
Andrew: William and I saw Jizelle Nouveaux, a local superhero, at the scene of the crime. She must have escaped from ENTROPY; she was hairless, and her skin was blue, so I think she’d been frozen. They might have recaptured her; William’s source says there were three people in the bus on the manifest.
William: I don’t remember seeing any superheroes.
Andrew: Do you remember the weird gag about the tiny train?
William: OHHHH THAT I REMEMBER
As I was typing “I REMEMBER” the song I was listening to went “I REMEMBER.”
Anna: Neat. So, what’s our plan to unpack your flat-packed friends?
I’M STILL FREAKING OUT ABOUT THE SONG
Andrew: Here’s my plan: you stay here, and the three of us who can be trusted go sword up some bad people.
Anna: I can be trusted!
Vanessa: Yeah, well, if we need a bath-stabbin’ we’ll be sure to call you.
Vanessa: I can’t promise, if we find Andrew’s wife, that I won’t punch her in the face and run off with him.
Andrew: She’s a police officer.
Vanessa: Who’s been frozen for, how many years? I think I like my chances.
Andrew: I think I like being liked.
Anna: You’re all going to die.
Vanessa: That’s the only thing we know for certain.
Anna: Lucky us.
Vanessa: I still think Anna might still be ENTROPY.
Andrew: That slip of a girl, a thermodynamic property? Outrageous.
Vanessa: That joke’s getting tired. Look. I’ve got dossiers on everybody in this village, and everybody in your village. I know my shit. I know Michael Whittaker’s gone batshit. I know Marco Vendachi is secretly… somebody.
Andrew: Secretly somebody! Sounds like a TV show.
Vanessa: I just don’t want to turn my back on Anna and find she’s stuck something in it.
Andrew: Don’t worry. I sprayed her sword with a foamization ray.
Vanessa: I know you think she’s on the up-and-up, but you have terrible character judgement.
Andrew: That’s not true!
Vanessa: Chelsea Price.
Andrew: That’s true.
William: I may not return, Cynthia.
Cynthia: You’re the only one that isn’t true of, Gerd.
William: You know my real name.
Cynthia: Maybe I don’t want to be on a real name basis with you.
Andrew: WHY do you KEEP doing THAT.
Vanessa: Yeah, what’s my deal with occasionally ogling the SEXIEST MAN ALIVE, right?
Vanessa: It’s not me saying that! It was magazines. Plural!
Cynthia: I’m looking forward to seeing the body count you rack up.
William: I’m looking forward to seeing your body. And your rack. Again.
Andrew: I’m looking forward to Sharpesvale water. This stuff is in serious need of desalination.
William: We’ll be spilling a lot more salt before the day is over.
Whitney is what Melanie would have looked like if the game had aged her up.
Andrew: If the game had aged her up, and she ended up as a townie in Takemizu, this story would never have happened.
I’ve thought through the chain of events pretty carefully, actually, and I’ve decided that every bad thing can be traced directly back to Neil Sharpe.
Andrew: That sounds about right.
Cynthia: Dad sure has a lot to answer for.
William: Who’s your dad? Do I know him?
Cynthia: I don’t think you know him at all.
Vanessa: I get serious double entendre vibes from literally everything this chick says.
Vanessa: Luckily for her I have the attention span of a goldfish.
Andrew: I have just enough of an attention span to cross my mental gaps.
Vanessa: I can’t disentangle that, but it sounded clever.
Andrew: Alright, Muhammads, the mountain’s not gonna come to us.
William: Why do you keep giving him the stinkeye?
Cynthia: A girl doesn’t like to be forgotten.
Vanessa: I don’t think Cynthia is who she says she is.
William: She hasn’t said she’s anyone.
Cynthia: Attaboy, Billy! Fight that revelation!
Vanessa: I think you’re letting your natural charm and general hotness go to your head.
Andrew: AND YOU’RE NOT HELPING
Vanessa: We’re probably gonna fuck at some point.
Andrew: Alright, ladies and Gerds. Steel yourselves.
Andrew: It’s wife-steal-backing time.
Vanessa: It’s really to your credit that you managed to make that sound not lame.
Andrew: I’m coming, baby.
That’s what she said.
Andrew: Anybody else think this looks like… redundant sentries?
Cynthia: I smell a fight scene.
William: You up for one last sword fight?
Vanessa: Please don’t say foreshadowy things.
Vanessa: I’m a secondary character at best, I’m the natural recipient of any dramatic irony that might be floating around.
Chase Knight: You ready, Breanna?
Breanna Mamuyac: Haha, definitely not.
Chase: Good, me either.
Chase: I could make a solid case for just letting them walk around in there a bit.
Breanna: That would make us terrible sentries.
Chase: Like we’d be better at it dead.
William: Yeah, you really fumbled the initiative there, buddy.
William: Swing ’em if you got ’em.
Cynthia: The motto of all men, everywhere.
Local Chef: Dinner and a show!
Vanessa: Let’s give them the climax they deserve, agents!
William: Even if I wasn’t a horny old goat weed, I’d think that was suggestive.
Breanna: Thank god I wore my chainmail kimono today!
Chase: I think mine’s made of taffeta.
William: I think yours is made of a shower curtain.
Breanna: HA HA HA TOTALLY
Vanessa: Hey! The first few swings are for SHOW ONLY!
Vanessa: This one’s playing for keeps, Bill!
William: This one’s just a blowhard.
Vanessa: He’s a teenage boy! They’re all blowhards.
Breanna: Ow! Right in the tresses.
Vanessa: Mind the statuary!
ShuShu’s How Now Bu Lion: Yeah, watch it!
ShiShi’s Frou Frou Bu Lion: Who the fuck named us this.
Vanessa: You really need to work on your follow-through.
Breanna: Says the chick who’s leading her love interest back to his WIFE.
Chase: It’s okay! I needed an earcut!
Chase: This guy’s too good for me, Brea!
Breanna: Honestly I doubt you could take the statues, Chase.
William: I let you have that one.
Breanna: DON’T CUT MY HAND OFF!
Vanessa: Pff. You think we have the technology for that?
Meanwhile, Andrew is using the technology we do have.
Breanna: You should have mustered your forces before attacking!
Vanessa: It’s cute that you think you’re muster-cutting.
Cynthia: Let me know if anything interesting’s gonna happen.
Breanna: Does a minor character dying count?
Breanna: How ’bout an ass-stabbing?
ShiShi’s Frou Frou Bu Lion: WE TOLD YOU TO WATCH IT!
Andrew: What’re they up to out there?
Andrew: THAT BETTER NOT BE SOMETHING SEXUAL
Chase: SOMEBODY’s about to get PENETRATED
Breanna: And that somebody is CLOTHING
Chase: I get the impression you’re toying with me.
William: I should warn you, I eventually break all my toys.
Vanessa: Alright kiddies, playtime’s over.
Breanna: You said it, not me.
Vanessa: I don’t feel so good.
Breanna: You don’t SWORD so good, neither!
William: I HATE YOUR GRAMMAR
Hmm. Not enough pathos.
♪ You’ll slide down the drain ♪
♪ On the steps of St. Peter’s, you all look the same ♪
Next time: ♪ I laugh in your face ♪
This chapter depicts gameplay from 22 December 2012.