Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates every damn day!
Sister chapters with Chapter 123!
But not really.
In which we do What We Do in the Pagoda in the Shadows.
Cynthia: I bet it’s fucking.
William: That’s not very place-specific, though.
Vanessa: Should we have booked ahead?
Cynthia: I suppose it’s possible that the Wise Old Man became a dead old man.
Cheryl: If he did, he’s about to have company.
Andrew: So many sword fights, lately.
William: Actually, I think I’m gonna take the Indiana Jones approach with this one.
Andrew: I love that approach.
Cheryl: I’M NOT A FAN
Cheryl: I spent a lot of time choreographing this fight!
Cheryl: Man, you SimNationals are super rude.
Cheryl: AND I’M SUPER DEAD
Vanessa: And it’s pretty super.
Andrew: And you’re super pretty!
Vanessa: Tone it down, boy.
Vanessa: Have some frickin’ tea.
Andrew: Will that calm my libido?
Cynthia: Not with all the horny goat weed that old pervert puts in it.
William: Is someone talking about me?
Was it the word “pervert” or the words “horny goat”?
Vanessa: We shouldn’t be speaking ill of the dead.
Andrew: We don’t know that the Wise Old Man is dead.
Cynthia: It’s not a good sign that the word “Old” appears in his name, though, is it?
William: …have you been drinking horny goat weed?
Cynthia: I was hoping the old fucker could teach me how to meditate. I have a lot of issues I need to work through, and being able to teleport would help a lot.
Vanessa: Teleport, huh.
Vanessa: I guess the operative word was “Wise,” not “Old.”
Wise Old Man: I didn’t get this old by not being this wise. Uh… let me know when the fellow in grey leaves.
Andrew: Bad news! I’ve contracted TAKNU-12.
It’s about to be 2013, and that name will stop making as much sense.
Thus furthering the parallel!
Cynthia: It’s not nice to dance nude on the graves of your enemies.
Andrew: It’s even more not nice to put them into graves!
Vanessa: The wax is on, folks.
Andrew: YOU’RE STEALING MY IDEA
Andrew: We really need to cure this.
William: You really need to shut up.
Vanessa: …this doesn’t smell like horny goat weed.
Wise Old Man: It’s not. I basically just grind up Viagra at this point.
Wise Old Man: Makes me stand right up, if you get my erection.
Wise Old Man: So, I guess you’re expecting me to reveal the path forward, tell you your destiny, all that mystic crap.
Andrew: Alternatively you could go dance with the naked weirdoes and leave me and the missus alone for some alone-time.
Wise Old Man: I think I’m gonna do the mystic crap instead.
Andrew: Are you wearing diapers?
Vanessa: I’m dating him, but I’m not responsible for anything he says.
Wise Old Man: And then you go like THIS!
Vanessa: And that’s called “The Drunken Crab”?
Andrew: I can’t wait to tell dad I brought a dumb-ass dance home, just like he did!
Vanessa: I KNOW, I CAN’T HELP IT
Vanessa: Okay, so: what do you know about Lucky Shrine Park?
Wise Old Man: I know it’s not so lucky, and you wouldn’t like what it’s a shrine to.
Wise Old Man: Also I know it’s packed full of popsicle women.
Wise Old Man: Wow! She’s flexible.
Wise Old Man: Be careful out there, cutie. A truly attractive townie is only born once or twice per generation, and we need to preserve them.
Vanessa: The well-preserved one will preserve me.
Vanessa: He’s too much of a scienceTOLOGIST, Scientologist, to ask, but is there any Eastern wizardry you could do to help us?
Wise Old Man: He’s a scientist. His name is Andrew Murphy. Don’t bullshit me.
Vanessa: Wow! I didn’t even know his real name yet.
Andrew: This is a particularly unhelpful form of Eastern wizardry.
Wise Old Man: I specialize in giving people just enough informative rope to hang themselves with. Unless you want to learn how to cross your legs and breathe deeply, over the course of a few decades, I can’t really help you.
Vanessa: We could do the whole “snatch the pebble from my hand” bit.
Wise Old Man: That’s Kung Fu.
Wise Old Man: …Kung Fu is Chinese.
Vanessa: Oh, is Japan the wrong part of China?
Wise Old Man: You need to leave.
Andrew: You wouldn’t say that if you could see what’s behind you.
Wise Old Man: I might not be able to see it, but I can hear it.
Andrew: How’s your sense of smell?
Wise Old Man: Your boyfriend just pissed himself.
Vanessa: He should’ve asked to borrow a diaper.
Wise Old Man: Well anyway, good luck to you. They’ll need it.
Vanessa: I won’t?
Wise Old Man: Not where you’re going.
Vanessa: …I’m going where they’re going.
Wise Old Man: Eventually! Yes.
William: I thought I was gonna win the embarassment lottery today, but that was a STRONG power move there, Chud.
Wise Old Man: “Strong” is an understatement.
William: Thanks for the tea! I’m gonna fuck everything.
Cynthia: He’s got that right.
William: I love me a good massive edifice.
Andrew: You’ve got an edifice complex, alright.
William: Was that a reference to something?
Andrew: Actually, it’s a reference to something you basically have.
Wise Old Man: I wonder if tombstones make good path gravel.
Cynthia: Loving the perfume, Chud.
Andrew: Okay, okay, MY NAME IS ANDREW OKAY
Cynthia: Pleased to meet you, Andrew Okay.
Andrew: Loving the dad joke, Cynthia.
Vanessa: If you flirt with her, I’ll stab you.
Cynthia: That’s a lot of power you’re giving me.
Jaiden: That’s it, Leo! Fight freedom wherever you find it.
Andrew: I love that you can see my chemtrails from the sky.
Andrew: I don’t know what I’m gonna do when we find Penny, William.
William: Hey, you could get lucky! She could be dead.
Andrew: I don’t want her to be DEAD!
William: Okay, well, you could get lucky! She could instantly fall in love with me. That’s pretty likely, actually; I think I can compete with two fuckin’ Murphies and Jerome.
Cynthia: Just remember that what you leave behind doesn’t always leave you behind.
Anna: You’re not good enough for this ENTROPY Scouts troop, Tammy!
Tammy: Why not?! I’ve been letting air out of tires, sewing people’s clothing shut and helping little old ladies walk into the middle of the street just like the rest of you!
Nicholas Barthelet: I think some of our spies might be spies.
Tammy: What have YOU done lately?
Anna: I’m gonna SEDUCE the foreign dipshits!
Tammy: Oh, does one of them have a hard-on for frumpy underwear with 1980s snowsuit patterns on it?
Anna: …that IS what this looks like, oh my GOD.
Anna: At least I’m not pretending to be Asian?
Tammy: You are Asian.
Anna: That’s how not pretending I am!
Anna: Who’s on bathroom-attack duty tonight?
Andrew: And on bathroom defense, this guy!
Whitney: Good luck, Anna!
Anna: There’s only one kind of luck, Whitney.
Anna: And it’s hard.
Anna: Funny story: “Do Not Disturb” signs have zero door-locking properties.
Anna: Alright. Alright! I can do this. If I can materialize a sword out of thin air, I can definitely stab a smelly old man with it.
Anna: Aw, dang, he’s not smelly anymore.
Anna: That’s some dick you’ve got there, buddy.
Andrew: There’s only one kind of dick, buddette.
Andrew: And it’s hard.
Anna: Yes, I’ve noticed that.
Anna: Man! Glad I’m wearing panties.
Anna: We almost accidentally had sex, there!
Andrew: Accidentally having sex only happens in adultery porn.
Anna: I dunno, I think we’re making a pretty good case to the contrary.
She thinks this isn’t adultery porn.
Anna: That thing is REALLY distracting.
Andrew: You should try having it attached to you!
Andrew: That wasn’t a come-on.
Andrew: Are you even trying?
Anna: I’m sorry, what? Can’t hear you over the blood loss.
Andrew: I think we’re in the peewee division of sword fighting.
Anna: More like the peepee division.
Anna: On the other hand, I’ve struck a mortal blow against the hotel.
Andrew: Careful, slipping in the tub is a leading cause of injuries in the home.
Andrew: The nursing home, that is.
Andrew: Like my new bath mat?
Cynthia: Are you drowning?
Chuck Kim: I think someone’s fighting in your room.
William: I should hope so! I haven’t been on camera for like thirty pics!
Chuck: What do we do if we run out of agents?
Cynthia: If you’re all dead, you can knock off for the half-day.
Anna: I’m not dead.
Andrew: And you’re observant, too!
Anna: Right now I’m mostly observing your giant white ass.
Anna: Where did you find the blood…?
Andrew: What blood?
Anna: For the… transfusion…
Andrew: What transfusion?
Anna: Okay, so I’ve got a femoral artery wound and I’m trapped with the enemy. What’s my next step?
Andrew: Heel-face turn?
Anna: Are you inviting me to join your dick club?
Andrew: We don’t have a dick club. One of us has a club dick, though.
Andrew: If it was a dick club, you couldn’t join.
Anna: You don’t know that.
Anna: Mirrors are magical things, aren’t they?
Andrew: Welcome to the SCIA, Anna.
Anna: How do you know my name?
Andrew: It’s already been established that I can read the nameplates.
Andrew: I feel like we’re finally making progress!
Anna: I feel like I’m gonna pass out.
I feel like something’s missing.
Andrew: It’s amazing what a little naked swordfighting can do for your self-image.
Cynthia: If you land on me, I’m killing Vanessa.
Anna: So… my strengths! Uh… I guess I can’t say stealth or sword fighting, huh.
Andrew: We’ll mostly want you for information. What can you tell us about ENTROPY?
Anna: Only that it is closely related to the number Ω of microscopic configurations, known as microstates, that are consistent with the macroscopic quantities that characterize a thermodynamic system.
Andrew: Thanks, Wikipedia.
Andrew: You only get salad until you spill the beans.
Vanessa: The fuck is this?
Andrew: This is Anna.
Vanessa: The fuck is it for?
Anna: Vanessa and I go way back.
Vanessa: I stabbed her in the face once.
Anna: She stabbed me in the face once!
Anna: She was supposed to execute me for gross incompetence.
Vanessa: In my capacity as an ENTROPY enforcer.
Anna: So she gave me a prosthetic face, to fake my death!
Vanessa: It was very technical.
Anna: Next day I came back to work as my own twin sister.
Vanessa: With the exact same name.
Anna: ENTROPY is pretty dumb. That’s another thing I know about it!
Andrew: She tried to kill me in the tub, so I recruited her.
Vanessa: Because we’re the French Revolution, now?
William: Hey baby, wanna spin on it?
Cynthia: That’s quite the hardware you’re packing.
William: It does the packing for me.
Cynthia: Isn’t this a bit… public?
William: Public, pubic, what’s the big diff?
Vanessa: We’ll take you back to the Vale with us when we leave.
Anna: Oh! You think we’re surviving this, do you?
Cynthia: Down, Chuck.
Cynthia: Ah, that old familiar feeling.
Cynthia: The big guy knows what I’m talking about.
William: I’m the big guy.
Cynthia: Yeah, I doubt he can compete with you on THAT score.
You don’t know that.
Nicholas: Oh my gosh! It’s world-famous dentist brother Gerd Mastodon!
Anna: How do you guys make up these secret identities so fast?
Vanessa: It helps when the creator of the setting is on your side.
Anna: I’ve seen both of these guys on that serial killer TV show. They were much cooler.
Vanessa: Well yeah. Every adaptation enhances the dramatic elements of a story.
Just wait until the novel version of this storyline comes out.
Vanessa: That soon?
Anna: So, what’s your mission here?
Vanessa: To save some missing women, and murder any teenage idiots who betray us.
Vanessa: It can get as specific as it needs to, Anna.
Andrew: So, does she pass?
Vanessa: Until she fails.
Vanessa: At which point…
Andrew: I’ll let you sword it out.
Vanessa: That’s the point I was thinking of, yes.
Andrew: You’ll like Sharpesvale. They’re all about the wordplay, there.
Andrew: And the sexiness.
Anna: And the killing off minor characters, though.
Cynthia: I feel like I’ve known you all my… nah, that’s too obvious.
William: Not for me!
Chuck: You survived!
Leonid: And you’re wearing their clothes!
Jaiden: You can sleep in Whitney’s bed.
Cynthia: Are you sure you want to do this?
Cynthia: I don’t mean sex. I mean saving people.
Cynthia: You’re a good bad guy, William Sharpe.
William: I don’t remember telling you my name.
Cynthia: They say the mind’s the first thing to go.
William: For me it was the pubic hair.
Anna: I survived a sword fight! I get to take a bath!
Whitney: I’m the Zombie Queen’s sister.
Anna: I HATE THIS SENIORITY CRAP
Tammy: I HATE THIS CARNALITY CRAP
William: This is the pool. You’re obviously looking for Neon Genesis Evangelion.
Cynthia: Oh yeah baby, mock that haircut!
Whitney: WHY IS YOUR COOTER INVISIBLE
William: It’s there, let me assure you.
Whitney: BOO, CLUB-FOOTED NO-COOCHER!
Cynthia: Your disapproval fills me with pride.
♪ It’s not easy having yourself a good time ♪
♪ Greasing up those bets and betters, watching out they don’t four-letter ♪
♪ Fuck and kiss you both at the same time ♪
Cynthia: ♪ Smells like something I’ve forgotten ♪
Anna: ♪ Curled up, dried, and now it’s rotten ♪
William: Yeah, I was in the pool too long.
William: …hey, wasn’t that the series theme?
Yes, you two fucking is the series theme.
Next time: the Swordfight at the Lucky Shrine Park.
William: Wait, us two?
This chapter depicts gameplay from 22 December 2012.