The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 453

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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In which it’s short because I’m tapped.

Bellhop: Oh good lord.

William: My thoughts precisely.

William: What do you see in him?
Vanessa: It’s easier to see past the exterior when the exterior’s been made artificially shabby.

Vanessa: I’ve been waiting a long time for someone to take me away from here.
William: Takemizu Village?
Vanessa: Quaternary character status.

Andrew: I wonder which of these people are evil.

I just generally assume everyone is.

Andrew: That does sound simpler.

Andrew: I could get used to a life of burgers and mistrust.

Jake Fairchild: Stop judging me, you fat ugly bear.

Whitney Seavey: Why aren’t you wearing clothes?
Jake: All the cool people aren’t.

Whitney: And most of the un-cool people are. Hmm. You might have something there.

Andrew: I might have something here!

Andrew: She looked like Melanie.

It’s probably nothing.

Vanessa: Where’ve you been, hot stuff?
Andrew: Findin’ more clones.
Vanessa: Ew, why?

Vanessa: Any clones of me?
Andrew: No, you appear to be an original.

Vanessa: Looks can be deceiving.
Andrew: Yeah, looks are jerks.

William: Did someone call me?

William: Oh, you’re doing a sex scene. Yuck.

William: I don’t know why you’d even bother, when neither of you are me.

Vanessa: I can’t get used to these glasses.
Andrew: I can’t get enough of them.

Vanessa: Hooray for the male gaze.

Andrew: And the female lips!

Andrew: Both kinds.

Andrew: Is this safe?
Vanessa: Life? No.

Andrew: That doesn’t mean we have to make it less safe.

That would be a fine message for all the dipshit gadabouts currently spreading COVID-19 around.

Andrew: I’m glad it’s 2012 and all we have to worry about is the end of the world.

It was a much less likely end.

Also a much less likely end: Andrew’s bum.

William: BORING. Come back to me when you’ve got a sex scene on the Sharpe Oil Tower balcony.

Vanessa: That would just be stupid.

Vanessa: Stupid hot.

Vanessa: …so, we’re done?
Andrew: I am.
Vanessa: Boo.

Andrew: Apparently I’m not!

Andrew: I’m cool with that.

Leonid: I’m not cool with anything.

Andrew: Who knew slovenliness could be so sexy?
Vanessa: Norman Reedus.

Somehow transitioning from Norman Reedus to a blowjob makes sense.

It’s such a good blowjob it’s fracturing his wedding ring.

I call this image “America.”

Andrew: I don’t know what America is, but it sounds terrible.

Ah, yes. The Takemizu nudity plague returns.

Let’s call it TAKNU-12.

Jaiden: We’re topical!

Jaiden: And I’m hovering?

Andrew: I came here to save my wife.
Vanessa: And you’re feeling bad about what we just did?
Andrew: More like I’m slightly less motivated to save my wife.

Andrew: …my wife. My wife. Hmm.
Vanessa: Yeah, now that you say it three times, I’m starting to feel bad.

Andrew: Let’s call it a brief lapse of professionalism.
Vanessa: From the moment we first kissed to the moment you finally put your dick back in your pants, whenever that is.

Andrew: It goes in on its own. It just takes a few seconds.

Andrew: Frankly our dicks have a disturbing amount of agency.

Andrew: A lot of things are disturbing.

A lot of agency things, too.

Andrew: I wonder if he ever falls in love when he’s on a mission.

I think falling in love with every eligible target is his only real mission.

William: You’re looking… tired.
Andrew: Fucked a bunch.
William: A bunch of what?

William: Anyway, mornin’ Chud!

William: I’m gonna keep calling you Chud after we get back to the Vale, just so’s you knows.

Next time: the triumphant return of a brand new character.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 22 December 2012.

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