The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 452

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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In which objects are phallic.

The Grim Reaper: Et in Takemizu ego.

Tour Guide: Yep, we have all the bad things here. Death, roofs down…

William: I’m impressed that you only sort of needed saving back there.

William: What would you have done if I couldn’t sword fight that chick to death?
Andrew: Woken up from a dream, I guess.

William: I’ve been defeated before, you know. I have experienced failure.
Andrew: I’ve always thought of you as an experienced failure, yes.

William: I’m going to push you into the pool.

William: That was the extent of my plans for the rest of the day.

Andrew: It’s not a day for plans anyway.

Jaiden: Hahaha, stop! It’s not appropriate for us to be playing when we have work to do.

Leonid: The higher-ups say we’re gonna ambush them at every turn.
Jaiden: Won’t they just stop turning, then?

Andrew: We done engaging in espionage for the day?
William: I’ve got the afternoon and evening marked as “free-form cloak-and-daggery” on our schedule.

Jaiden: Do you think they suspect us?
Leonid: The best thing about literally everyone being in on it is that no matter how many of us they suspect, it won’t ever be enough.


Andrew: Oh good, mystical crap.

Andrew: And a Vicki clone.

Vanessa: Do not speak ill of my country’s heritage of mystical crap.
Serdar Ma: And Vicki clones!

Serdar: We’re all about the Vicki clones here.
Vanessa: Ixnay on the Ickiclonevays!

William: No, do go on.

William: …just as well. He probably doesn’t know shit if his shit face is anything to go by.

Andrew: Tai chi is basically exercise. As a scientiLOLOGIST, I can respect that.
William: Calm down, Chud. She’s my contact.

Andrew: Then why are you still calling me CHUD.
Vanessa: To embarrass you, obviously.
William: Obviously.

Vanessa: Gerd Mastodon is a much better spy name.

Vanessa: But a far inferior spy man!
William: What.

Andrew: Pleased to make your acquaintance. I’m An-
Vanessa: IDIOT if you’re gonna blow your cover in front of that kid behind you.

Leonid: “in front of that kid behind you.”
Vanessa: I WAS DISTRACTED BY THE SEXY OKAY

Vanessa: I was looking forward to meeting William Sharpe, but it turns out he’s just a skeevy old jerk now.

Vanessa: I hear he used to be a skeevy young jerk.

Andrew: This is a bad place to be having this conversation.

Andrew: Apparently it’s the local standin’ spot.

Vanessa: An anonymous tip says that a SimNation school bus showed up last week. There being an ocean between here and there, naturally I got suspicious.

Andrew: It does seem a bit of a stretch, as school bus routes go.

Andrew: William says he got an anonymous tip that a school bus was seen at the… scene, of that explosion in Centreborough just before it became the scene of that explosion! In Centreborough!

Andrew: I’m a scientist, I’m real good at making connections like that.

Vanessa: I hope you didn’t come here to make a connection.

Vanessa: ‘cuz if you did, I’m gonna have to subtract myself from the equation.

Vanessa: I don’t want to become a metaphor for what the SimNation does to the rest of the world.

William: .oO(Don’t look at the Vicki clone. DON’T LOOK AT THE VICKI CLONE)

Vanessa: Well, come on. Put those kissable lips to work.

Andrew: Let me make a brief case to you.

Andrew: William and I don’t know who to trust, here.
William: REAL TOURISTS WOULD BE BETTER AT KICKY BAG

Andrew: You are attractive, so we both automatically trust you.

Vanessa: I am attempting not to reciprocate but my body is betraying me.

Vanessa: I don’t even know why I like you.
Andrew: Yeah, I for sure don’t approve of your taste in men.

William: I’m ninety percent sure he’s paying her to play along.

Andrew: Is William paying you to like me?
Vanessa: He’s not that rich.

Vanessa: Oh god, am I drunk or something?

Knut Alioto: You’re a disgrace to the uniform.

Andrew: You’re a disgrace to facial hair.


William: How’d you beat us here?
Vanessa: Yeah, you old guys move soooo quickly.

Andrew: So, how about it? Can we count on you?
Vanessa: *sigh*
Andrew: What?
Vanessa: You can do anything you want on me.

Vanessa: How’s that for pathetic.

Vanessa: I guess my cover’s pretty much blown. I might as well dress like a playable.

*five minutes of loading*

Vanessa: Five minutes of loading for THAT?!

Vanessa: Don’t look.

Andrew: You look good!
Vanessa: But I should look great.

Andrew: You look smart, and independent, and impressive.
Vanessa: Wow! Not one word about tits or ass! I didn’t think your entire gender had it in it.

Vanessa: Well, come on. Put those kissable lips to work.

Andrew: ♪ Falling in love is so hard on the knees ♪

Vanessa: What was that about “hard on?”
Andrew: You can feel that, huh?

Vanessa: Did you need to take a pill?

Andrew: I’ll have you know I’m not nearly as old as I look.
Vanessa: Honestly, you couldn’t possibly be.

Heidi Fuchs: Y’all’re ’bout to get Fuched.

William: She doesn’t know I have the magic of editing at my disposal.

Heidi: DIE, DEFINITELY-IN-THE-TUB HEATHEN!

The Toilet: *comically flushes*

William: It was the next best thing to a game show “wrong answer” tone.

Heidi: I’ve always wanted to kill an SCIA agent.
William: Frankly so have I, but I’ve managed to hold myself back.

Heidi: The stars are on my side!
William: Actually, they appear to be falling.

William: And please don’t threaten Captain Sparkles like that.

Marie: Is this a sex thing? It doesn’t look like a sex thing.

Marie: I need to do a poop thing.

Marie: GET OUT OF YOUR OWN BATHROOM

Marie: I NEED TO DO A POOP

Andrew: Doody calls.

Heidi: Acceptable losses.
William: Yeah, pretty much.

The Grim Reaper: ACCEPTABLE GAINS, FROM MY PERSPECTIVE.

The Grim Reaper: …AW, MAN, GROSS.

Tammy: Open the door! I hear this is the new local standin’ spot.

Tammy: Aw, boo, it’s only old men and ugly women and great big dicks.

Vanessa: I thought you were gonna help him.
Andrew: Then you vastly underestimated the power of your cute little smile.

Tammy: Did I just walk into the best picture ever?
The Grim Reaper: PROBABLY. I’M IN ALL THE REALLY GOOD ONES.

Captain Sparkles: .oO(Pleased to meet you!)

Tammy: EXTREME blowjob!

Heidi: Not the most dignified way to go, is it.

Vanessa: Guess he could handle himself.
Andrew: He rarely has to.

Andrew: It does free us up to handle each other, though.

William: So, hey. ENTROPY?
Tammy: Never heard of it.
William: Let me pat you down for swords.

William: No swords, but I did find this!

Vanessa: I think William is the Grim Reaper.
Andrew: It would explain his thirty-year kill streak.

The Grim Reaper: ONLY THIRTY YEARS? NEWB.

Vanessa: I don’t know why I’m so interested in you.
Andrew: I’m basically the main character.
Vanessa: Is there a hormone for that?

Andrew: I’m also a super-smart scientist.
Vanessa: I thought you were a Scientologist.
Andrew: That was just my cover.
Vanessa: Oh. It’s a good one! It guarantees nobody will ever ask you a second question about yourself.

Vanessa: I have several questions to ask you about yourself.
Andrew: I don’t have a nine-inch penis.
Vanessa: That wasn’t going to be one of them.
Andrew: Then you have a superhuman reserve of restraint.

Vanessa: Frankly that thing just looks painful.

William: It’s never given me any trouble.

William: Minus all those murderers it’s gotten me involved with.

William: And all those murders it’s gotten me involved with.

William: I just murdered someone. With a sword. That’s what I was miming.

Vanessa: Are you pretending not to stare at my tits?
Andrew: Oh, sure, it’s okay for you to talk about them.

Next time: a challenger approaches!

This chapter depicts gameplay from 22 December 2012.

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