Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates every damn day!
In which objects are phallic.
The Grim Reaper: Et in Takemizu ego.
Tour Guide: Yep, we have all the bad things here. Death, roofs down…
William: I’m impressed that you only sort of needed saving back there.
William: What would you have done if I couldn’t sword fight that chick to death?
Andrew: Woken up from a dream, I guess.
William: I’ve been defeated before, you know. I have experienced failure.
Andrew: I’ve always thought of you as an experienced failure, yes.
William: I’m going to push you into the pool.
William: That was the extent of my plans for the rest of the day.
Andrew: It’s not a day for plans anyway.
Jaiden: Hahaha, stop! It’s not appropriate for us to be playing when we have work to do.
Leonid: The higher-ups say we’re gonna ambush them at every turn.
Jaiden: Won’t they just stop turning, then?
Andrew: We done engaging in espionage for the day?
William: I’ve got the afternoon and evening marked as “free-form cloak-and-daggery” on our schedule.
Jaiden: Do you think they suspect us?
Leonid: The best thing about literally everyone being in on it is that no matter how many of us they suspect, it won’t ever be enough.
Andrew: Oh good, mystical crap.
Andrew: And a Vicki clone.
Vanessa: Do not speak ill of my country’s heritage of mystical crap.
Serdar Ma: And Vicki clones!
Serdar: We’re all about the Vicki clones here.
Vanessa: Ixnay on the Ickiclonevays!
William: No, do go on.
William: …just as well. He probably doesn’t know shit if his shit face is anything to go by.
Andrew: Tai chi is basically exercise. As a scientiLOLOGIST, I can respect that.
William: Calm down, Chud. She’s my contact.
Andrew: Then why are you still calling me CHUD.
Vanessa: To embarrass you, obviously.
Vanessa: Gerd Mastodon is a much better spy name.
Vanessa: But a far inferior spy man!
Andrew: Pleased to make your acquaintance. I’m An-
Vanessa: IDIOT if you’re gonna blow your cover in front of that kid behind you.
Leonid: “in front of that kid behind you.”
Vanessa: I WAS DISTRACTED BY THE SEXY OKAY
Vanessa: I was looking forward to meeting William Sharpe, but it turns out he’s just a skeevy old jerk now.
Vanessa: I hear he used to be a skeevy young jerk.
Andrew: This is a bad place to be having this conversation.
Andrew: Apparently it’s the local standin’ spot.
Vanessa: An anonymous tip says that a SimNation school bus showed up last week. There being an ocean between here and there, naturally I got suspicious.
Andrew: It does seem a bit of a stretch, as school bus routes go.
Andrew: William says he got an anonymous tip that a school bus was seen at the… scene, of that explosion in Centreborough just before it became the scene of that explosion! In Centreborough!
Andrew: I’m a scientist, I’m real good at making connections like that.
Vanessa: I hope you didn’t come here to make a connection.
Vanessa: ‘cuz if you did, I’m gonna have to subtract myself from the equation.
Vanessa: I don’t want to become a metaphor for what the SimNation does to the rest of the world.
William: .oO(Don’t look at the Vicki clone. DON’T LOOK AT THE VICKI CLONE)
Vanessa: Well, come on. Put those kissable lips to work.
Andrew: Let me make a brief case to you.
Andrew: William and I don’t know who to trust, here.
William: REAL TOURISTS WOULD BE BETTER AT KICKY BAG
Andrew: You are attractive, so we both automatically trust you.
Vanessa: I am attempting not to reciprocate but my body is betraying me.
Vanessa: I don’t even know why I like you.
Andrew: Yeah, I for sure don’t approve of your taste in men.
William: I’m ninety percent sure he’s paying her to play along.
Andrew: Is William paying you to like me?
Vanessa: He’s not that rich.
Vanessa: Oh god, am I drunk or something?
Knut Alioto: You’re a disgrace to the uniform.
Andrew: You’re a disgrace to facial hair.
William: How’d you beat us here?
Vanessa: Yeah, you old guys move soooo quickly.
Andrew: So, how about it? Can we count on you?
Vanessa: You can do anything you want on me.
Vanessa: How’s that for pathetic.
Vanessa: I guess my cover’s pretty much blown. I might as well dress like a playable.
*five minutes of loading*
Vanessa: Five minutes of loading for THAT?!
Vanessa: Don’t look.
Andrew: You look good!
Vanessa: But I should look great.
Andrew: You look smart, and independent, and impressive.
Vanessa: Wow! Not one word about tits or ass! I didn’t think your entire gender had it in it.
Vanessa: Well, come on. Put those kissable lips to work.
Andrew: ♪ Falling in love is so hard on the knees ♪
Vanessa: What was that about “hard on?”
Andrew: You can feel that, huh?
Vanessa: Did you need to take a pill?
Andrew: I’ll have you know I’m not nearly as old as I look.
Vanessa: Honestly, you couldn’t possibly be.
Heidi Fuchs: Y’all’re ’bout to get Fuched.
William: She doesn’t know I have the magic of editing at my disposal.
Heidi: DIE, DEFINITELY-IN-THE-TUB HEATHEN!
The Toilet: *comically flushes*
William: It was the next best thing to a game show “wrong answer” tone.
Heidi: I’ve always wanted to kill an SCIA agent.
William: Frankly so have I, but I’ve managed to hold myself back.
Heidi: The stars are on my side!
William: Actually, they appear to be falling.
William: And please don’t threaten Captain Sparkles like that.
Marie: Is this a sex thing? It doesn’t look like a sex thing.
Marie: I need to do a poop thing.
Marie: GET OUT OF YOUR OWN BATHROOM
Marie: I NEED TO DO A POOP
Andrew: Doody calls.
Heidi: Acceptable losses.
William: Yeah, pretty much.
The Grim Reaper: ACCEPTABLE GAINS, FROM MY PERSPECTIVE.
The Grim Reaper: …AW, MAN, GROSS.
Tammy: Open the door! I hear this is the new local standin’ spot.
Tammy: Aw, boo, it’s only old men and ugly women and great big dicks.
Vanessa: I thought you were gonna help him.
Andrew: Then you vastly underestimated the power of your cute little smile.
Tammy: Did I just walk into the best picture ever?
The Grim Reaper: PROBABLY. I’M IN ALL THE REALLY GOOD ONES.
Captain Sparkles: .oO(Pleased to meet you!)
Tammy: EXTREME blowjob!
Heidi: Not the most dignified way to go, is it.
Vanessa: Guess he could handle himself.
Andrew: He rarely has to.
Andrew: It does free us up to handle each other, though.
William: So, hey. ENTROPY?
Tammy: Never heard of it.
William: Let me pat you down for swords.
William: No swords, but I did find this!
Vanessa: I think William is the Grim Reaper.
Andrew: It would explain his thirty-year kill streak.
The Grim Reaper: ONLY THIRTY YEARS? NEWB.
Vanessa: I don’t know why I’m so interested in you.
Andrew: I’m basically the main character.
Vanessa: Is there a hormone for that?
Andrew: I’m also a super-smart scientist.
Vanessa: I thought you were a Scientologist.
Andrew: That was just my cover.
Vanessa: Oh. It’s a good one! It guarantees nobody will ever ask you a second question about yourself.
Vanessa: I have several questions to ask you about yourself.
Andrew: I don’t have a nine-inch penis.
Vanessa: That wasn’t going to be one of them.
Andrew: Then you have a superhuman reserve of restraint.
Vanessa: Frankly that thing just looks painful.
William: It’s never given me any trouble.
William: Minus all those murderers it’s gotten me involved with.
William: And all those murders it’s gotten me involved with.
William: I just murdered someone. With a sword. That’s what I was miming.
Vanessa: Are you pretending not to stare at my tits?
Andrew: Oh, sure, it’s okay for you to talk about them.
Next time: a challenger approaches!
This chapter depicts gameplay from 22 December 2012.