Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates every damn day!
In which a twelve-chapter road trip begins.
Bethany: And in which Bethany refuses penis proximity.
Andrew: They’re Sims! They’re not supposed to be naked, or have penises! They don’t really know that they’re naked or have penises.
Muse: .oO(THEY KNOW NOT WHAT THEY DO)
Franklin: ♪ What will you see? What will you be? Anything you want to, love is easy! ♪
Andrew: FUCK YEAH, FRANKY! HAMMER THAT IVORY!
Franklin: ♪ And Iiiiiiiii will play a rhapsody ♪
Andrew: YEAH DO THAT
William: But cleverly disguse it, first! So it’s not been heard before, you see.
Wendell: So, this is what escalation looks like.
William: Okay, just so we’re clear.
William: You and I.
William: Are going to invade a foreign country.
William: And save your wife, via spy shit.
Andrew: I was gonna do CSI shit, myself, but yeah. Spy shit too. That’ll be mostly your department.
Mallory: mmf… who’s shitting themselves… ?
Nathaniel: Yeah, I thought we were past that AND ALSO PAST THIS
Bethany: No, we’re super fucked.
Bethany: All of us.
William: Well! Things here seem generally well in-hand.
William: I need a contact in Takemizu. Fuckable one, preferably.
William: Okay, go work on your secret identity.
Andrew: Ooh! Secret identities! That sounds fun.
William: Don’t do a fun one. Do a gross, boring one.
Andrew: That still sounds fun.
Andrew: I’ve never been gross and boring before.
Angelica: We’ll let him believe that.
William: My greatest challenge yet: hiding my unfathomable storehouse of raw sex appeal.
William: TOO HIDDEN! TOO HIDDEN!
Andrew: The shortest path between two points is usually the best one.
Andrew: Done savaging yourself?
William: *sniffle* So savage.
William: …did you cut off all your hair?!
Andrew: Did you put on a fake porn moustache?!
William: …you can’t even see me.
Andrew: It was a lucky, incredibly-likely guess.
William: Gerd Mastodon, at your service.
Andrew: What? Why? No.
Wendell: Hi Gurd!
Andrew: Okay, first of all, the name “Gerd” is pronounced “Gaird,” not “Gurd.”
Andrew: And second of all… fuckin’ Mastodon?
William: It has “mast” in it. I thought it was a clever reference to the size of my penis.
Andrew: There are no clever references to penis size.
William: Hi. I’d like to book a flight to Takemizu Village? For two, please. Me and my Scientologist brother.
Andrew: Solid character-building! I like it.
William: His name is…
Andrew: CHUD BUCKMINSTER
William: Yeah, you teleport away in shame alright.
Andrew: This is the part where I kill myself, right?
Andrew: But he’d still know I said it.
William: And I’d tell everyone! At your funeral.
Andrew: What’s this?
William: Tools of the trade.
Andrew: I already got my biotech stuff.
William: The tools of my trade, you tool.
William: Does everybody know what trade it is?!
William: TOOL TRADE!
Andrew: This is a machine gun, isn’t it.
William: Hahaha, no! That would be super irresponsible of me.
William: It’s a sword.
Andrew: I’ll put it next to the cyanide capsule.
William: I definitely hope you don’t have occasion to use that.
William: This place is filthy, by the way.
Andrew: Protip: don’t look in that fridge.
Franklin: ♪ How will you know, where you should go? ♪
Andrew: That’s the taxi driver’s problem.
Andrew: Poor robots.
William: Very poor robots.
William: Oh, uh… sorry.
Blazej: Is that for you?
William: No, that’s for William Sharpe. I’m Chud Mastodon.
Andrew: You’re Gerd Mastodon.
William: Yeah, sorry, I’ve had “Chud” stuck in my head ever since I heard it.
Andrew: I’ve been regretting that the entire ride over.
William: Be on your guard. ENTROPY has spies everywhere, and the SCIA only has spies somewhere. I can hold my own against the best of them, but you’re NOT ACTUALLY BESIDE ME HOLY FUCK I WASTED ALL THAT EXPOSITION
William: One room, for me and my Scientologist brother.
Charles: Is there a reason you’re specifying that?
William: Yeah, I don’t want two rooms?
I’m surprised you haven’t risen to that bait.
Andrew: It’s fine. I know they’re about to sue you for making the joke, so that’s taking a lot of the edge off.
He was originally saying “gay brother” but I didn’t know how to make it obviously playful and not homophobic.
Andrew: I hope he’s not homophobic, because if he is this meeting place is gonna be super awkward.
William: I don’t think there are homophobes in this setting.
Andrew: Which is good.
William: Normally yes, but if I were one, I could get out of sitting half-naked in a sauna with you, which wouldn’t be nothing.
William: Alright, this is special noise-dampening steam, and there’s a soundproof vacuum in the walls. We had it all put in special.
William: My contact’s gonna find us here, on the hotel grounds.
William: She’ll be whoever’s hottest.
Andrew: No, seriously, what?
Andrew: Your contact will know where Penny’s being held, right?
William: Only sixty years late on the Get Smart joke.
William: So long, gay brother!
Andrew: Are you our contact?
Alicia Copur: That depends. Are you looking to trade in illicit massages?
Andrew: I’ve got a lot of… what’re they called… Thetans in my elbow. I’ve got an… audit… coming up, and I need to get them massaged out.
Alicia: The Thetans.
Andrew: Yeah, they’re giving me trouble.
Andrew: They’re mad that Xenu put them in that volcano, so they’re making me sick.
Alicia: That’s what’s doing it.
Alicia: Have you tried not being crazy?
From personal experience I can tell you, that doesn’t usually work.
Andrew: I push and I push, but the thoughts keep leaking out.
William: .oO(Definitely a strong candidate.)
Vanessa: .oO(God, I hope that’s not him.)
Alicia: Listen, Elrond.
Andrew: You mean L. Ron.
Alicia: I can’t massage dead alien souls out of your elbow!
Andrew: That’s good, honestly, because I’d have to report you to someone if you said you could.
William: Man, I tell you, this arthritis. It’s like… disorder, all through my system.
Vanessa: Chaotic, you mean.
William: Not the word I would use. Uh…
William: No, I shit alright.
Vanessa: Okay, fine. ENTROPY. You’re William Sharpe, and the word you want is ENTROPY, and yes I’m your contact but I really didn’t want you to be mine because you’re supposed to be hot.
William: I should tell you that in addition to definitely being hot I only listen to about half of any long or unflattering sentence dribbled in my general direction.
Andrew: I’m actually engaged in a deep-cover exposé on Scientology. Gonna bring them down from the inside.
Alicia: In SimJapan.
Andrew: I did say the cover was deep.
Alicia: Dense is more like.
Alicia: I think it’s much more likely that someone else made a secret identity for you, and parts of it are so personally offensive to you that you’re trying to disassociate them from your person.
Andrew: I am a bad spy.
Alicia: Hey, bad spying pays well!
Andrew: Hahaha! I don’t know what you mean by that.
William: Look, kid, I don’t really need you, savvy? I could take a potshot in literally any direction with my eyes half-shut and hit an ENTROPY agent in this village.
Vanessa: Or a tourist!
William: Right! Win-win.
Vanessa: I’ve spent years building up my ENTROPY cred. I’ve done some shit I’m not proud of, and I’m not gonna blow it all just because you want me to blow you.
William: You let making the obvious joke get in the way of-
Vanessa: Making my grievances clear, yes, I know, it’s a personal failing of mine.
Andrew: You’re an ENTROPY agent.
Andrew: And you’re going to kill me.
Alicia: Double yep.
Andrew: Do I still get a massage?
Alicia: Why the fuck not.
Vanessa: Why the fuck so.
William: You seen a bald guy with no chin around?
Jihoon Parker: Depends. Take the hat off?
William: I’ll have you know I have a full head of hair under this hat.
Jihoon: You mean you’re wearing it… because… you think it looks good?
Jihoon: Friend, you are sick.
Andrew: I feel sick.
Alicia: That’s just the poison seeping in.
Andrew: Okay. As long as it’s supposed to be happening.
Jihoon: I saw an old dork in a business suit hanging around the massage parlour.
William: …something tells me this isn’t gonna have a happy ending.
Jihoon: I thought you were gonna pull out a pair of CSI shades after that one.
William: Nah! My CSI guy is the one getting a rub, tug and plug.
Jihoon: That last part sounds bad?
William: Yeah, I’ll probably have to swoop in and save him at the last minute.
Jihoon: You seem pretty calm about it. You must have a lot of confidence in your abilities!
William: Yeah. That, and I don’t really like him.
William: What? You don’t know him.
William: It’s just, it would be easier to steal his wife if he was dead.
William: If you’ve hurt him-
Andrew: I chewed an anti-poison caplet before I came in here.
William: …I was gonna say, “If you’ve hurt him, I totally understand, he’s kind of a dick.”
Alicia: Man, what kind of a dick comes into a massage parlour expecting to get poisoned?
William: A dick expecting to get fucked, I guess.
William: Honestly didn’t know he had it in him
Alicia: Are we still talking about dicks?
William: Hahaha! I like you.
Andrew: Fuck, marry or kill?
Live Mode, Buy Mode or Build Mode?
William: You’re too boring to marry.
Alicia: And too dangerous to fuck.
William: Sometimes your own adventure chooses you.
Andrew: Wow. That was cheesy.
William: You’ve got a lot to learn about secret agenting, my man.
William: But maybe not as much as this dildo does.
William: My denim!
William: I liked that denim.
Alicia: I’ll… never… tell!
William: That sucks! I guess I’ll just have to kill all your friends.
William: Uh, hey, sorry? I already want someone else to blow me.
Vanessa: Blow me.
Andrew: …what? She was milking it, I got bored.
Alicia: …for you.
William: Well, I’ll be here all week! At your convenience.
He will indeed, and then some.
Next time: the disorder of the bath.
This chapter depicts gameplay from 21 December 2012.
And it was written right after that last one.
Night and day, huh?
Except it was the same night.