The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 449

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates every damn day!

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In which it’s almost my birthday.

Alvin: Happy Almost Birthday! You going out to celebrate?

HA HA HA.

Alvin: I’m staying in to gesture at my puddle.

Alvin: Puddle-gesturin’s hard work.

Alvin: But it won’t gesture itself, so!

Alvin: Okay FINE I was trying to Force-mop it.

Theresa: Alright, time to rip the marriage Band-Aid off.

Theresa: If there’s, like… an infection crawling with tiny white forks all over it, I’m gonna kill myself.

I almost want to kill myself just hearing that.

Theresa: I’d hate to live in a world where you have to pull bandages off instead of just imagining them off in the mirror.

Theresa: How does it look?

…surprisingly fetching!

Theresa: …yeah! That’s got to be the most inscrutable battle scar of all time.

SLAM

Theresa: Almost as inscrutable as the door ghost.

Laci: I bet I could scrute it.

Alvin: OH GOD WE’RE SO SCRUTED

OH GOD OH GOD

Alvin: Little help, almost-birthday boy?

I ain’t touchin’ no bugs on my almost-birthday.

Alvin: It’s actually December of 2012 here, though.

I ain’t touchin’ no bugs in the past.

Theresa: How about taps?

Nope.

Nor weeds.

Alvin: I think I’m about to become a bug-themed superhero.

Instead of Spider-Man, he could be Roach-Man!

Theresa: Who’s Spider-Man?

…what?

Theresa: Who’s Spider-Man?

He’s that superhero who swings around the city and climbs on walls!

Theresa: Isn’t that Hanging Chad?

…WHAT?

Alvin: Yeah, Hanging Chad! Tell him, smashed snowman!

Smashed Snowman: It’s true! I hate that guy.

Elvis: Please focus.

It’s my almost-birthday, I do what I want.

Theresa: You do what you want ANYWAY.

Okay, everybody, enough with the judgemental glares.

It’s my-

Alvin: NOBODY CARES

Theresa: Chopsticks? You PLEB.

Theresa: God, I can already taste how bad dinner’s gonna be.

Theresa: Unless you’ve actually learned how to cook.
Alvin: Can I cook, or can I.
Theresa: Can you?
Alvin: That was a quote, from one of my favourite movies.
Theresa: Yeah, but… can you?

Theresa: Alright everybody, here’s the rules: only I’m playing so I win automatically.

Theresa: It’s called Electoral Politics.

Alvin: Okay, I’m using a fork back here, so don’t turn around suddenly or you’ll startle yourself.

Alvin: Oh god! Maybe forks ARE dangerous!

Alvin: I THINK I SWALLOWED IT

Alvin: I THINK I SWALLOWED A FORK

Theresa: I guess he’ll die.

Laci: I could take the guessing out of it.

Theresa: Hanging Chad is so cool.

Is he?

Theresa: Yeah, what an asshole.

Theresa: He swings around town, looking for women in peril with weak boyfriends.

Theresa: And then he swoops in and saves them.

Theresa: And talks about how much he can lift.

Theresa: And then they fuck.

This has been Grugly Restarted Gen 3 Yet Again and He Wanted to Get Some Use From the Pics He Took Theatre.

It’ll probably be a somewhat recurring feature.

Theresa: I should’ve invited Hanging Chad to my wedding.

Theresa: He could have told Alvin he was a beta cuck and then fucked me on the wedding cake.

I thought we agreed never to think about Deborah again.

Theresa: He never does what you want him to, does he?

Irvin: Oh good, I’m waking up. Is there a dick ghost here to scare me?

Irvin: You don’t live here anymore. Go away.

Theresa: I just wanted to leave him some computer viruses.
Irvin: You better not have fucked up my Fortnite.

Theresa: It’s 2012, kid. You’re not playing Fortnite, you’re playing Candy Crush.

Alvin: Nobody under 50 ever played Candy Crush.

Alvin: OH NO

What?

Alvin: I think those were ORIENTAL COCKROACHES!

Alvin: I’ve got COVID-19.
Irvin: BYE

Alvin: I RESPECT YOUR SOCIAL DISTANCING

Irvin: Making outbreak jokes in the middle of an outbreak is a bold move.

You know what they say, if it sneezes it pleases.

Alvin: Bleach bath it is!

Alvin: THAT’S A DANGEROUS JOKE, SOMEONE MIGHT DO THAT NOW

Alvin: Hey baby, wanna corrupt me? I’m super naïve.

Belinda the Malevolent: That’s so hot.

Irvin: I’m glad we hoarded all these cookies.

How are you for toilet paper?

Irvin: We own a lot of books.

Belinda the Malevolent: Gonna put you in a sack and wipe my ass with you, paper boy.

Amar: I’m not literally made of paper.
Belinda the Malevolent: Oh, well, forget it then.

Belinda the Malevolent: ‘sup Woods!

Belinda the Malevolent: Man, you’re the one who should get nicknamed “Belly.”

Belinda the Malevolent: And what a belly!
Alvin: I’ve always wanted a woman who likes me for my poor choices.

Alvin: And that’s the story of how I stabbed two smiley faces in their smiley faces.

Alvin: I don’t look like Michael.

Belinda the Malevolent: YOU TOTALLY DO THOUGH

Belinda the Malevolent: You should get a unique look, like mine!
Alvin: But then it wouldn’t be unique!
Belinda the Malevolent: You’re parsing me wrong.
Irvin: YOU JERKS PARSING OVER THERE?!

Alvin: I accidentally stabbed my wife with a fork so she ran off with a man who doesn’t look like me.

Alvin: I know you were there, but I’m reminding you because although it was yesterday, and also a few weeks ago, it was also a YEAR ago and also EIGHT YEARS AGO.

Belinda the Malevolent: You really shouldn’t examine our existence that closely.

Belinda the Malevolent: Then again… scientist.

Belinda the Malevolent: He yelled “It’s Scientist with a CAPITAL S” and ran away cursing.

Belinda the Malevolent: My curses are better.

Belinda the Malevolent: .oO(Can you hear me?)
Alvin: .oO(No, this is telepathy. I can think you!)

Belinda the Malevolent: .oO(I learn magic telepathy and this is how you respond?)
Alvin: .oO(Magic isn’t real. There’s a Scientific explanation for this, and until I figure out what it is I will continue to make fun of it.)

Belinda the Malevolent: You’re an asshole.
Alvin: Aren’t we all?

Alvin: That applies to men AND characters in this story!

Elvis: Goodbye, stinky world.

Kenneth Thorne: Somebody call Baby-B-Gone?

Kenneth: Or wait, am I here for roaches? I always get my jobs mixed up.

Kenneth: OH! Maybe I’m here for my secret third job.

Alvin: There’s a man in my sword shack.

Kenneth: There’s a sword in your man shack.

Kenneth: Is there a sword on your person, man?

Alvin: We are both sword persons!
Kenneth: Man!

Alvin: What are your diabolical plans today, ENTROPY scum?!
Kenneth: I just came to spray the roaches, but you had to get all SCIA at me.

Kenneth: OOF
Alvin: I’m gonna cut that broken rib out and make some life out of it. For Science!

Alvin: After I fix that leg wound, for medicine.

Alvin: …and that arm wound. Your bath’s falling down the priority ladder pretty hard there, Elvis.

Kenneth: Oh god, my HP is too low! That infuriating beeping noise is about to start!

Alvin: Props for the Zelda reference.

Kenneth: PROP FIGHT
Alvin: The phone can referee!

Alvin: And thehurgggghhl.

Theresa: THEHURGGGGHHL?!

Theresa: OH THERESA YOU AND YOUR IMAGINATION

Alvin: Get him, Rip Co. Cuddly Wuddly Whateverthefuck Head!

Rip Co. Wobbly Wabbit Head: I’m not answering to that.

Elvis: This exterminator is VERY thorough!

Elvis: We are very satisfied.

Rip Co. Wobbly Wabbit Head: So, do you take the body away, or do we have to call someone else for that?

Kenneth: INANIMATE OBJECTS CAN’T TALK

Belinda the Malevolent: That’s about to be very inconvenient for you.

Belinda the Malevolent: Welp, it’s official. Science hasn’t gone far enough!

Theresa: You killed my Alvin!
Belinda the Malevolent: He’s my Alvin now.
The Grim Reaper: I THINK YOU’LL BOTH FIND HE’S MINE.

Belinda the Malevolent: Don’t take him! Please! Take the rabbit head instead!
Rip Co. Wobbly Wabbit Head: TRAITOR

Kenneth: Let me know when you’re ready.

Belinda the Malevolent: Can’t we skip this part, one evil entity to another?
The Grim Reaper: HEY! I’M NOT EVIL! JUST ‘CUZ I COLLECT THE SOULS OF THE DEAD, I GOTTA BE EVIL? STEREOTYPE MUCH.

The Grim Reaper: I’M FIXING THIS SO YOU LOSE.

The Grim Reaper: YOU LOSE!
Belinda the Malevolent: I haven’t even picked yet!

The Grim Reaper: YOU LOSE!
Belinda the Malevolent: I was SURE I was gonna win, too!

Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Anybody need an infallibly good witch with infallibly good timing?

Belinda the Malevolent: I’m torn between fighting her and letting her help and then fighting her.

Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: What can I do?
Belinda the Malevolent: Can you reverse death?
Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Nope!
Belinda the Malevolent: Can you defeat the Grim Reaper?
Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Nope!

Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Well, see ya.

Belinda the Malevolent: The name of the game is Fizzbin.

Alvin: I love that episode.

You’re probably not a fan of this one, though.

Belinda the Malevolent: Stand up so’s I can punch you.

Belinda the Malevolent: With my SWORD

Kenneth: And now for another dramatic duURK

Belinda the Malevolent: Ooh, right under my armpit, very well done my man.

Kenneth: Thanks?

Belinda the Malevolent: That was fun, but I think I’ll stick with magic. It’s less… muscley.

Next time: the last worthless evening.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 19 December 2012.

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