The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 447

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates every damn day!

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Happy Birthday lumy12! It’s actually the 17th when I’m posting this because I am slow and lazy, so it’s actually your birthday if this is actually your birthday.

Naturally this chapter’s about STEWART.

And birthdays!
And a continent being destroyed.

Asia Gonzaga-Murphy the Witch: I don’t know what that means, but I’m calling dibs on this chapter!

Asia Gonzaga-Murphy the Witch: Nothing can go wrong with this plan.

Apparently he climbed out from under the front bumper.

Stewart: YOU’RE NOT MY WIFE
Thornmarie the Evil Witch: It’s one of my favourite things about me!

I honestly don’t know what the intended use of that haircut might have been.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: This smells like ass. I wonder if it tastes like ass?

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: I still don’t know.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: Because, and I’m very thankful for this, I have never tasted ass.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: I’m evil, not gross.

Stewart: Hey honey, anything new to report?

Stewart: Where’d Asia go?
Thornmarie the Evil Witch: It’s too big to have gone anywhere, really.

Continuing to make these jokes is pretty evil alright.

Stewart: I’m gonna punch the next person who does it.

Stewart: Hey baby, you make bad look good.

Even the game doesn’t want to look at him.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: Your wife’s in the next room, you know.
Stewart: This is basically what my last wife did to me.
Thornmarie the Evil Witch: That makes it okay?
Stewart: It shouldn’t, but I don’t think things through fully.

Stewart: Also I have no attention span.

♪ FIDADDINBINFER COTTON-EYE JOE ♪

♪ I’D BE MARRIED LONG TIME GO ♪

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: I don’t know where he came from, but I know where he can go.

Asia Gonzaga-Murphy the Witch: Wow! Did you know Neville Chamberlain was a neutral warlock?!

Stewart looks like he might have known Neville Chamberlain personally.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: This is awful.

Is it worse than Resident Evil Survivor 2: Code Veronica?

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: …what?

‘cuz I just had to play that and it was FUCKING HORRIFIC

It’s a light gun game by Capcom and it’s, like… thank god it’s a light gun or you’d turn it on yourself at the end.

I can tell you about these things because the images you’re seeing contain nothing particularly worth commenting upon.

He was gonna kick the can.

Leonard: I’ve done it before.

And you’ll do it again.

Leonard: I got married here.

How’d that work out for you?

Leonard: About as well as I expected, honestly.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: …are you sure? I don’t… are you… are you sure.

Who are you talking to?

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: I don’t know if I can do that.

…who are you talking to?

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: Oh, hey! Remote teleportation! Not at all terrifying.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: So hey, the boss tells me you’ve been getting all neutral up in here.

Asia Gonzaga-Murphy the Witch: I’m not conscious of having a “boss.”

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: You’re about to not be conscious at all.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: Lance says “Bye.” I’m not sure why he can’t say it in your head, though.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: Maybe he doesn’t want to be in your head, what with what’s about to happen to it.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: This is what’s about to happen to it.

Asia Gonzaga-Murphy the Witch: More like Thornmarie the Can’t Hit For Shit Witch.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: This from Asia Gonzaga the Standing On Old Dried Wood Witch.

Asia Gonzaga-Murphy the Witch: SHIT I WAS

Asia Gonzaga-Murphy the Witch: Shit I’m in.

Asia Gonzaga-Murphy the Witch: MAGIVESTIUM! MAGIVESTIUM!

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: Sorry, we’ve set up a magivestium interdiction field.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: Lance is our acting transporter chief today.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: He’s not acting very nicely.

Asia Gonzaga-Murphy the Witch: I just wanted to be neutral! Now I’m on fire!

The fate of all centrists.

Asia Gonzaga-Murphy the Witch: WHY ISN’T THERE A WATER SPELL

Asia Gonzaga-Murphy the Witch: HOW AM I SO LIMBER

Asia Gonzaga-Murphy the Witch: OH GOD MY TITS ARE MELTING

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: I definitely won’t wake up screaming tonight, thinking about that.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: Maybe I can eat myself into a coma.

I’m still mad about Resident Evil Survivor.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: I vote you off the island.

It’s not that kind of Survivor.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: I still vote you off the island.

Asia Gonzaga-Murphy the Witch: VOTE ME OFF NEXT

Asia Gonzaga-Murphy the Witch: WAIT NO DON’T

Asia Gonzaga-Murphy the Witch: Honestly this process could be… faster.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: So, there’s a monster in town who can control our minds.

There always was!

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: Oh, yeah, hey there.

Asia Gonzaga-Murphy the Witch: OH YEAH BYE THERE

Asia Gonzaga-Murphy the Witch: BYE HERE?!

Asia Gonzaga-Murphy the Witch: BYE EVERYWHERE

Asia Gonzaga-Murphy the Witch: OH GOD MY HANDS ARE GOING FIRST, IT’S JUST LIKE BACK TO THE FUTURE

The wedding ring can only be destroyed in the fires of Mount Bedroom.

Asia Gonzaga-Murphy the Witch: GREAT TIME FOR JOKES

Asia Gonzaga-Murphy the Witch: THANKS FOR YOUR HELP

Asia Gonzaga-Murphy the Witch: FUCK YOU VER-

The Grim Reaper: *SIGH*

What?

The Grim Reaper: IT TAKES SO MUCH LESS EFFORT TO KILL ONE OF THESE THAN THEY USUALLY EXPEND DOING IT.

The Grim Reaper: THEN AGAIN THAT WAS APPARENTLY ONLY ENOUGH FIRE TO BURN THE ONE THING, SO.

Sir Wally the Grey: Yeah, gimme somma that coloured shit!

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: Nice birdie.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: This is the twenty-first century equivalent of Lady Macbeth washing her hands.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: Back then people only washed their hands when they murdered other people.

It’s an historical fact.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: Okay, no.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: I can’t have you beaming me about in the buff, dude.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME NOW

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: Is there such a thing as a Teleprotection Potion?

Go away, Chris.

You’re reminding me of Survivor 2, which doesn’t have a Chris in it, but the game it’s spun off of has a Chris in it, and that’s honestly enough right now.

Asia Gonzaga-Murphy the Witch: Speaking of enough for now!

Ah, the true sign of wealth: empty space.

And goofy lighting.

…and a sauna, actually, that’s a sauna isn’t it.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: This entire house is a sauna, there’s a cauldron in, like, every room.

Stewart: Asia! I’m home!

Brooke: Did you drive me to Asia?!

Brooke: Ew, that hairline.

Stewart: Go back to your dugout, vermin.

Brooke: That’s fair.

Brooke: I’m gonna give you the plague next time we meet.

Stewart’s arm looks drawn-on.

It’s not.

Stewart: Have you seen your mother? Assuming you’re the right kid.

I mean, they both have mothers.

Just not alive ones.

Stewart: Asia’s dead?
Thornmarie the Evil Witch: I had no idea COVID-19 was that virulent!

Stewart: It’s really not okay to make jokes like that.
Thornmarie the Evil Witch: Evil!

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: Should we wait and see if her ghost wants to join?

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: JUST KIDDING I EXORCISED IT

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: You’re not laughing.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: I’ll just do this then.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: WHAT.

Rebel: *yells*

Rebel:MORE, MORE MORE! ♪

Rebel: ♪ YEAAAAAAAAAAAH ♪

Stewart: This is not the best birthday party I have ever attended.

Stewart: Don’t worry, kid, you’ll only be fucked up for the rest of your life.

Dominic: .oO(Will that be long?)

Probably not.

Rebel: .oO(I’d warn him, but I can only speak when it’s required for a gag.)

Dominic: .oO(You’ll never ever be any good, Rebel.)
Rebel: .oO(That’s it, let’s get all the jokes out of the way early.)

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: There’s one joke I know a lot of people would like gotten out of the way.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: But fuck them, I love this guy for some reason.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: Bad chicks love good dudes, I guess.

Dominic: ♪ He’s a toilet bowl wizard, there has to be a trick ♪

Rebel: ♪ A toilet bowl wizard, got such a subtle flick! ♪

Dominic: ♪ How do you think he does it? ♪

I don’t care.

Dominic: ♪ What makes him so gross? ♪

Stewart: Hey, I’m having woman problems and I naturally thought of you.

Stewart: In other news I’m mad at someone I’ve never met.
Thornmarie the Evil Witch: Oh, you’ve been on the internet, huh?

Stewart: Um, hello? You’re not allowed to get hotter after I leave you.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Um hello is right!

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: What did I do to deserve that?
Stewart: You didn’t kill my wife.
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: …bit of a low bar, innit?

Stewart: Do you still like me, Mags?
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: I like you less when you call me Mags.

Stewart: I’m in a lot of trouble. Do you want to help me, or are you more aligned with the readers?

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: You smell like barbecue.
Stewart: Yeah, my whole house does. Wait’ll you hear what we cooked.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: …oh. Let me guess. Evil witch burned someone alive?
Stewart: How’d you guess?
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Pretty classic evil witch thing, live-burning.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: I was planning on doing some anti-evil research, but then I had two adult babies and kind of lost track of things.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Two adult babies. I had. I had two babies and they’re ADULTS now.

Stewart: You’ll save a bundle on toys!

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: LANCE

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: …LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANCE!!!

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: If he’s coming, I’m going.

Stewart: YOU’RE NOT A VERY GOOD GOOD WITCH

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: I didn’t say where I was going.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Do you hear that?

Yes.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: That faint murmuring oh. You said yes.

Yes.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Are you murmuring, book? Don’t say anything if the answer is no.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch’s Grandiose Grimoire: No.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch’s Grandiose Grimoire: GOTCHA

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Take a look, they said. IT’S IN A BOOK, they said!

Pretty sure we did that joke already.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: WELL THEY DID SAY IT

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: And they were WRONG to.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: You win this round, inanimate fucking object.
Thornmarie the Evil Witch: YOU’RE AN INANIMATE FUCKING OBJECT

Stewart: God, I hope he doesn’t understand thought bubbles.

Sir Wally the Grey: Dangit. Window’s closed.

Stewart: Some day you’ll understand, kid. Someday even I might!

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: I am uncomfortable with this situation.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: AND THIS IS WHAT I’M DOING ABOUT IT

GRUNCH

Rebel: .oO(I don’t remember the last five hours!)

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: Only five, huh.

Stewart: Know what the worst kind of candy is?

Hot Lips.

Stewart: Fucking Hot Lips.

Stewart: Come on, Mags. You do sorta owe me one.

Stewart: Although I wish she owed me one.

She… does.

She killed your wife?

Stewart: AW WHY’D YOU HAVE TO GO AHEAD AND SAY IT

Rebel: .oO(I’m glad I can only understand adults when it’s required for a gag.)

Stewart: Your maternal instinct is so hot.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: I’m glad it’s only horrifying to me.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: Okay, and him.

And then he disintegrated.

Stewart: Let me wobble my hand behind you a bit.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: Aw yeah, that’s the good stuff!

Rebel: .oO(What a shitty update.)
Dominic: .oO(No arguments here.)

Rebel: .oO(I hope I’m not related to that guy.)

WHACKACK

Sir Wally the Grey: *teleports back in from the amazing adventure he just had which we didn’t get to see any of because we were too busy watching Stewart*

We should stop watching Stewart.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: You should stop watching me fat shower.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: Or fat binge.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: …or fat purge?

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: Nope, still binging.

Stewart: I AM CHANNELING THE SPIRIT OF JIZELLE NOUVEAUX

Tell her her accent sucks!

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: I don’t deserve elevation.

Stewart: I deserve reputation!

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: ♪ Come on baby, I got a license for love ♪

And if it expires?

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: ♪ RAIN HELL FROM ABOVE ♪

Stewart: It’s too early for the midnight hour.

Next time: more, more, more.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 19 December 2012.

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