Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates every damn day!
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In which I continue to get better at whatever it is I do here.
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Yeah, hey. I saw the title pic and it looks like Maggie’s not gonna be a lot of fun today, so you wanna come over?
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Yeah, sitting in a pile of trash and everything.
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Witch: No day that starts with positrons up your cooter can be all bad.
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Witch: They’re called positrons because they’re positive.
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: That does explain why Data was always so upbeat.
Neila: I came to see Kyle but he was saying nerd shit so I diverted.
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Witch: Yeah, he’s a loser, isn’t he.
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Witch: And yet, still a keeper!
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Witch: Say good morning to my ass, Simerica!
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: More like Kyle Murphy the Situationally-Unaware Warlock.
He’s saying it so I don’t have to.
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Witch: He’s so considerate. And yet not!
Neila: So hey, is magic an STD?
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: I dunno, I’d have to check and see if we’ve made that joke already, and nobody does that sort of thing around here.
With a DAILY UPDATE SCHEDULE you’re fucking RIGHT we don’t.
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Witch: For your first trick, can you make this weird old lady disappear?
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Did it crawl off the bed on its own?
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Witch: I didn’t crawl with it, if that’s obviously not what you’re asking.
I’m really developing my own house style here.
Let’s call it Tragicomical Surrealism.
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Witch: I’m never calling anything anything that complicated.
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Let’s see if we can’t put a little sparkle in that girl’s step.
I think she already beat you to it?
Neila: Mmm! Bland and scentless, just like Kyle!
Felix: Wow! It’s hard to read this through the unprinted side.
Felix: What was THAT joke? There’s printing on BOTH sides!
Well I’m not going back and fixing it.
Because I’m kind of freaking out that there’s printing on both sides.
Fiona: What’s the printing say?
Felix: I dunno. I’m failing printing.
Fiona: So am I. I assume?
Fiona: Uh… hey… camera? You dead?
Fiona: Oh, you’re doing that fixed angle trick.
Fiona: It’s getting old already.
Fiona: Speaking of getting old already.
Felix: At least they’re not comic strip characters. Some of them have been a few months old since the Great War.
Felix: Why do you think they called it the Great War, Kevin? Do you think it got really good feedback?
Fiona: Do you know anything about the components of a cell, Kiera?
Do any of you know why this is happening?
Yvette: Because you touch yourself at night.
No, that’s why all the porn happens.
And it’s not just at night.
Neila: It’s your fault we know that now.
Neila’s ass looks like I drew it.
I didn’t draw it.
Oliver: Touch wood.
Neila: Someone’s touching wood outside.
Neila: He said, and I quote, “If it’s a relative, don’t let them in.”
Felix: They’re all relatives.
Fiona: You were born into a big, horrible family, Kiera!
Oliver: With a little luck she won’t live long enough to find out why.
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: They might grow up to be successful, well-adjusted adults who only want to kill themselves because of their deadening, dead-end jobs and the impending death of our hellish death-world.
Oliver: His math checks out.
Fiona: Are you excited to have some toddlers to play with, Felix?
Felix: I’m excited to have someone I can plausibly blame my mistakes on, who can’t defend themselves from it, if that’s what you mean.
Fiona: Yeah, it was.
Neila: Are you screwing with me?
Brett: I have a strong, sudden urge to jump sideways.
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Bad news, everybody. I folded the egg and now it’s only half a pan of egg.
Neila: Okay, you can take it now.
Neila: Apparently she couldn’t.
Yvette: It was more of a wouldn’t situation.
Yvette: Oh, I think it’s exploding.
Yvette: They do that sometimes.
Oliver: Hey man, you remember Cecilia?
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: No, I died before she was born.
Oliver: Yeah man, she was pretty cool.
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Didn’t she murder you once?
Oliver: Yeah, but, she murdered, like, everybody once.
Yvette: Sounds like my kind of gal.
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Magic Fucking Mime: *is in the house*
In the sense that she’s not at all in the house.
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: A gift! For my magic fucking mime.
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Witch: Attaboy! You’re well on your way to finding out if I fuck, or magic-fuck.
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: What did I just give her?
I dunno. All my screenshots until Chapter 451 are this:
Not even joking.
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Witch: Let me use my magic-fu to zoom in and see what your user name was!
You’ll be disappointed.
Also hey! We’ve just discovered the threshold past which adding “-fu” to something doesn’t make it cooler.
Neila: Look. Just because half the neighbourhood would take this opportunity to drown you doesn’t mean I’M gonna drown you.
Neila: Geez, calm down. I’m not a mass murderer! That was my mom.
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Witch: Wow, you really know how to talk to kids. The ones who can only understand tone, not words, that is.
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Witch: The words were all very, very wrong.
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Do you wanna call our neighbours, see if they wanna hang out in the bathroom?
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: We’ve still got a few square feet to work with in here.
Neila: The right place to put my hand is… where the pee or poo will be, right?
Neila: I THINK I TOUCHED MAGIC PEE
Neila: OR MAGIC POOOOOOOOOOOOO
Neila: That was an auspicious beginning.
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Speaking of.
Oliver: HAVE THE HAPPY LIFE I NEVER HAD
Okay, Past Grugly, you’ve been taking great shots so far but wow, Margaret looks terrible over there in the corner.
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Witch: Hey.
Fix it, will you?
THAT’S NOT BETTER, YOU LAZY F-
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Hey! There’s babies here!
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Witch: Easily remedied.
Felix: Oh god, I breathed in his ass-air.
Oliver: What? Everybody has ass-air.
Neila: MOVING RIGHT ALONG
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Make a wish! I’ve got a list of suggestions if you want them.
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Oh! You wished for incorporeality! That’s a good one.
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Witch: She’s vibrating. Should she be vibrating?
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Witch: Okay, hovering is definitely wrong. Right?
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Witch: Unless she’s actually a baby hovercraft?
Kiera: It’s probably fine.
Oliver: Did that baby just talk?
Kevin: Definitely your imagination.
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Okay, horror story’s over.
Kiera: You sure about that, uncle?
Kiera: Hey man, breathe.
Kiera: Oh! The confetti caught up.
Kiera: Probably just as confused as you are.
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: I don’t think confetti is capable of being as confused as I am right now.
Kiera: Funny story! Getting a magic lightning bolt to the womb does some fucked-up shit to your babies!
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Language! Little… girl…?
Neila: Should I turn around?
I’m listening to Der Kommissar literally right now, and they literally right now are saying not to.
And I think I agree with them.
Neila: Who’s they?
The band that did that song.
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Cool, now we’re talking about bands instead of the babies that just turned into adults.
Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Witch: Adult magicians.
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Adult magicians, sure. Why not.
Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Time for nappies.
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: No argument here.
Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: I just realized that “nappies” could have been interpreted as “diapers” and I felt it vital that I clarify before anything unfortunate occurred.
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Witch: So, have you seen the new toddlers yet?
Neila: Technically no.
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: MARRRRGARRRRETTTTTTTTTTT…!
Oliver: We have a Code What The Fuck in here…
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Witch: That’s a family-only code.
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Witch: Daddleskee.
Oliver: I’m flattered, but you’re about to not have time for that sort of thing.
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: On account of the years of therapy you’re gonna want to start, like, immediately.
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Witch: Hey, where’d the new witch come from?
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: You should really, really know.
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Witch: Really really NO
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Witch: THEY GROW UP SO FAST
Oliver: It’s a variant on the tablecloth-pulling trick, if you’re wondering.
Oliver: But I like to go one step too short.
Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Hey mom, mind if I crash?
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Witch: YOU AND ME BOTH
Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Ah, it seems only yesterday I was just a babe instead of just a babe!
Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: I’m seriously having trouble keeping it together right now, folks.
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Witch: JOIN THE FUCKING CLUUUUUUUB
Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Alright, Kev, grow up and lend the poor lady a hand.
Next time: the briefest coming-of-age story of all time.
That’s not a sex thing.
This chapter depicts gameplay from 19 December 2012.