The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 445

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates every damn day!

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In which I continue to get better at whatever it is I do here.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Yeah, hey. I saw the title pic and it looks like Maggie’s not gonna be a lot of fun today, so you wanna come over?

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Yeah, sitting in a pile of trash and everything.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Witch: No day that starts with positrons up your cooter can be all bad.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Witch: They’re called positrons because they’re positive.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: That does explain why Data was always so upbeat.

Neila: I came to see Kyle but he was saying nerd shit so I diverted.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Witch: Yeah, he’s a loser, isn’t he.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Witch: And yet, still a keeper!

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Witch: Say good morning to my ass, Simerica!

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: More like Kyle Murphy the Situationally-Unaware Warlock.

He’s saying it so I don’t have to.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Witch: He’s so considerate. And yet not!

Neila: So hey, is magic an STD?
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: I dunno, I’d have to check and see if we’ve made that joke already, and nobody does that sort of thing around here.

With a DAILY UPDATE SCHEDULE you’re fucking RIGHT we don’t.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Witch: For your first trick, can you make this weird old lady disappear?

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Did it crawl off the bed on its own?
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Witch: I didn’t crawl with it, if that’s obviously not what you’re asking.

I’m really developing my own house style here.

Let’s call it Tragicomical Surrealism.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Witch: I’m never calling anything anything that complicated.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Let’s see if we can’t put a little sparkle in that girl’s step.

I think she already beat you to it?

Neila: Mmm! Bland and scentless, just like Kyle!

Felix: Wow! It’s hard to read this through the unprinted side.

Felix: What was THAT joke? There’s printing on BOTH sides!

Well I’m not going back and fixing it.

Because I’m kind of freaking out that there’s printing on both sides.

Fiona: What’s the printing say?
Felix: I dunno. I’m failing printing.

Fiona: So am I. I assume?

Fiona: Uh… hey… camera? You dead?

Fiona: Oh, you’re doing that fixed angle trick.

Fiona: It’s getting old already.

Fiona: Speaking of getting old already.
Felix: At least they’re not comic strip characters. Some of them have been a few months old since the Great War.

Felix: Why do you think they called it the Great War, Kevin? Do you think it got really good feedback?

Fiona: Do you know anything about the components of a cell, Kiera?

Do any of you know why this is happening?

Yvette: Because you touch yourself at night.

No, that’s why all the porn happens.

And it’s not just at night.

Neila: It’s your fault we know that now.

Neila’s ass looks like I drew it.

I didn’t draw it.

Oliver: Touch wood.

Neila: Someone’s touching wood outside.

Neila: He said, and I quote, “If it’s a relative, don’t let them in.”

Felix: They’re all relatives.

Fiona: You were born into a big, horrible family, Kiera!
Oliver: With a little luck she won’t live long enough to find out why.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: They might grow up to be successful, well-adjusted adults who only want to kill themselves because of their deadening, dead-end jobs and the impending death of our hellish death-world.

Oliver: His math checks out.

Fiona: Are you excited to have some toddlers to play with, Felix?
Felix: I’m excited to have someone I can plausibly blame my mistakes on, who can’t defend themselves from it, if that’s what you mean.
Fiona: Yeah, it was.

Neila: Are you screwing with me?

Brett: I have a strong, sudden urge to jump sideways.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Bad news, everybody. I folded the egg and now it’s only half a pan of egg.

Neila: Okay, you can take it now.

Neila: Apparently she couldn’t.

Yvette: It was more of a wouldn’t situation.

Yvette: Oh, I think it’s exploding.

Yvette: They do that sometimes.

Oliver: Hey man, you remember Cecilia?
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: No, I died before she was born.
Oliver: Yeah man, she was pretty cool.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Didn’t she murder you once?
Oliver: Yeah, but, she murdered, like, everybody once.

Yvette: Sounds like my kind of gal.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Magic Fucking Mime: *is in the house*

In the sense that she’s not at all in the house.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: A gift! For my magic fucking mime.
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Witch: Attaboy! You’re well on your way to finding out if I fuck, or magic-fuck.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: What did I just give her?

I dunno. All my screenshots until Chapter 451 are this:

Not even joking.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Witch: Let me use my magic-fu to zoom in and see what your user name was!

You’ll be disappointed.

Also hey! We’ve just discovered the threshold past which adding “-fu” to something doesn’t make it cooler.

Neila: Look. Just because half the neighbourhood would take this opportunity to drown you doesn’t mean I’M gonna drown you.

Neila: Geez, calm down. I’m not a mass murderer! That was my mom.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Witch: Wow, you really know how to talk to kids. The ones who can only understand tone, not words, that is.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Witch: The words were all very, very wrong.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Do you wanna call our neighbours, see if they wanna hang out in the bathroom?

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: We’ve still got a few square feet to work with in here.

Neila: The right place to put my hand is… where the pee or poo will be, right?

Neila: I THINK I TOUCHED MAGIC PEE

Neila: OR MAGIC POOOOOOOOOOOOO

Neila: That was an auspicious beginning.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Speaking of.

Oliver: HAVE THE HAPPY LIFE I NEVER HAD

Okay, Past Grugly, you’ve been taking great shots so far but wow, Margaret looks terrible over there in the corner.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Witch: Hey.

Fix it, will you?

THAT’S NOT BETTER, YOU LAZY F-

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Hey! There’s babies here!

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Witch: Easily remedied.

Felix: Oh god, I breathed in his ass-air.

Oliver: What? Everybody has ass-air.

Neila: MOVING RIGHT ALONG

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Make a wish! I’ve got a list of suggestions if you want them.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Oh! You wished for incorporeality! That’s a good one.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Witch: She’s vibrating. Should she be vibrating?

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Witch: Okay, hovering is definitely wrong. Right?

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Witch: Unless she’s actually a baby hovercraft?

Kiera: It’s probably fine.

Oliver: Did that baby just talk?
Kevin: Definitely your imagination.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Okay, horror story’s over.

Kiera: You sure about that, uncle?

Kiera: Hey man, breathe.

Kiera: Oh! The confetti caught up.

Kiera: Probably just as confused as you are.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: I don’t think confetti is capable of being as confused as I am right now.

Kiera: Funny story! Getting a magic lightning bolt to the womb does some fucked-up shit to your babies!
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Language! Little… girl…?

Neila: Should I turn around?

I’m listening to Der Kommissar literally right now, and they literally right now are saying not to.

And I think I agree with them.

Neila: Who’s they?

The band that did that song.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Cool, now we’re talking about bands instead of the babies that just turned into adults.
Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Witch: Adult magicians.
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Adult magicians, sure. Why not.

Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Time for nappies.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: No argument here.

Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: I just realized that “nappies” could have been interpreted as “diapers” and I felt it vital that I clarify before anything unfortunate occurred.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Witch: So, have you seen the new toddlers yet?
Neila: Technically no.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: MARRRRGARRRRETTTTTTTTTTT…!

Oliver: We have a Code What The Fuck in here…

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Witch: That’s a family-only code.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Witch: Daddleskee.

Oliver: I’m flattered, but you’re about to not have time for that sort of thing.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: On account of the years of therapy you’re gonna want to start, like, immediately.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Witch: Hey, where’d the new witch come from?
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: You should really, really know.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Witch: Really really NO

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Witch: THEY GROW UP SO FAST

Oliver: It’s a variant on the tablecloth-pulling trick, if you’re wondering.

Oliver: But I like to go one step too short.

Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Hey mom, mind if I crash?
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Witch: YOU AND ME BOTH

Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Ah, it seems only yesterday I was just a babe instead of just a babe!

Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: I’m seriously having trouble keeping it together right now, folks.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Witch: JOIN THE FUCKING CLUUUUUUUB

Kiera Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Alright, Kev, grow up and lend the poor lady a hand.

Next time: the briefest coming-of-age story of all time.

That’s not a sex thing.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 19 December 2012.

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