The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 444

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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In which Past Grugly’s a fuckin’ asshole who doesn’t keep track of people’s names so I have to go looking through thousands of fugly-ass Sims to figure them out.

Oh, and also three people die.

Vanessa: I am also fuckin’ an asshole! That came out wrong.
Brett: And in the wrong company!

♪ Ding-dong ♪

Benson: You want me to get that?

Cory: I’m gonna fire at your butler.
Vanessa: Yeah, we should probably fire him.
Cory: …yeah.

Meanwhile everyone else is just gonna walk into the woods and disappear.

Anthony: Sounds pretty good right about now.

Zoe Schehl: Your girlfriend looks pretty young, buddy.
Michael: If only that was the biggest problem.

Anthony: I HAVE BIG PROBLEMS TOO

Anthony: Without me, who’ll do all the Benson jokes?

Cory: There’s only one Benson joke, buddy, and you just made it.

Zoe: So… this is gross.

Cory: Yeah, well it ain’t exactly not butlers voiding themselves in here neither.

Eleven pics in and we’ve got our quote of the day!

I should start posting the quote of the day!

Yeah!

I need more daily responsibilities to not achieve.

The Grim Reaper: WHERE YOU GOIN’?
Cory: Out of the range of suspicion.

Zoe: A man just jumped out of your window.
Michael: We don’t have any men in our windows. Our windows aren’t menquariums.

Zoe: My bad.

Veronica: MORE BAD

Michael: Oh, man, I was hoping to get him to do that one Benson joke.

He did. You just missed it.

Michael: Oh MAN!

Don’t try to land!

The roof is out!

Cory: So about how you’re clearly an-
Zoe: Agent of ENTROPY? Yeah, it’s too clear to hide, honestly.

Zoe: And anyway why would I want to?

Cory: Maybe because you’re about to die in a sword fight because of it?
Zoe: Whoah, that’s trippy; are you saying I’m you?

Cory: Why is ENTROPY doggin’ this house so much?
Zoe: Maybe we just hate that dude’s face!

Cory: I hate his face too, but you don’t see me trying to shove it up his daughter’s ass!

Man, that’s another strong contender.

Not pictured: strong contenders.

…I stand corrected.

Cory: I stand impaled.

Cory: Gotcha.
Zoe: You’re already dead, though.
Cory: I try not to acknowledge my faults.

Zoe: That must be a full-time XRCH

Cory: Hahaha I got YRRK

Cory: Not AGAIN

Cory: Just put me in the bathtub! It has healing properties!

Cory: I think it’s all the microbes in the town water!

Cory: I put… microbes…

Cory: In…
Zoe: His… own… ass.
Michael: Ew! Why?!

Cory: Synchronized dyin’! High five!

Zoe: We fucked it up.

You certainly did.

Veronica: IT’S TOO EARLY FOR PLOT

Michael: Yeah, what the fuck?! We should’ve switched households already!

Tell that to the vacation brigade!

Veronica: Man, all this death really makes you think, huh?
Michael: It really makes me MAD!

Michael: Oh no, please what.

The Grim Reaper: EWWWWWW.

Michael: This would be a great cover image.

Sure, if she weren’t your-

Michael: OH GOD SHE’S MY DAUGHTER

The Grim Reaper: UHHHH OOPS

Veronica: I think Death just chopped my ass open.

Uma: Wait, what?

Veronica: Yeah, dad! Kill that bitch for some reason!

Uma: What IS the reason?
Michael: I’M GONNA KILL YOU WITH THIS SWORD I FOUND

Veronica: THE PERFECT CRIME

Veronica: Minus the fact that it’s taking place on the most populated street in the county in broad daylight just prior to a big glowing beacon popping up behind it, likely alerting every cop for miles around.

I was gonna open my book ideas file and write down “Miles Around” as a potential character name.

Then I realized I could tell y’all about it, kill off one caption and make a permanent record of the name.

It’s pretty great, being both clever and lazy.

I could do with a slight reduction in the laziness, admittedly.

So, y’all’re still doin’ this, huh?

Michael: HAIRCUT TIME

Wait, who are you ENGAGED to?

Michael: I think there might have been more than one missing scene.

Michael: SMELL MY SWORD

Uma: It smells like daughter-huggin’.

Uma: AND MAN-STENCH

Uma: HOW DARE YOU DO THIS TO ME AFTER WHAT YOU DID TO ME

Michael: I don’t remember what I did OWWWWW

Uma: It was terrible!
Michael: What was?
Uma: What you did to me!

Michael: I NO LONGER CARE

Veronica: Honestly I’m losing some enthusiasm at this point, too.

Uma: Oh, shit, sorry! I didn’t even notice I was holding this now.

Uma: If I had I’d’ve STABBED you instead of POMMEL-SMACKING you.

Michael: WHAT’S A POMMEL

Uma: YOU’D BETTER NOT BE CONSIDERING A MUSIC MONTAGE UP THERE

I was, but meh.

Michael: DO YOU KNOW ANY GOOD SONGS ABOUT BITCHES GETTING WHAT’S COMING TO THEM

Hey man

Michael: Aw, leave me alone, you know.

♪ Hey man ♪

Michael: Aw, honey, hands off my throat, I’ve got to-

Jeannie Nanale: ♪ Hey man ♪
Veronica: I gotta even the odds!

Michael: ♪ This pissed-off gross chick’s got unbelievable quads! ♪

Veronica: ♪ Here, dad! ♪

Michael: ♪ I wish I was sane! ♪

Veronica: ♪ Go, dad! ♪

Michael: ♪ Existence is paiiiiiin! ♪

Michael: ♪ Hey, what? ♪

Michael: ♪ Oh god, she punctured my brain ♪

Uma: ♪ I’LL FUCK UP YOUR SHIT, YOU DAUGHTER-FUCKIN’ SHITSTAIN! ♪

Michael: ♪ OH, I’LL LEAN ON YOU, GIRL, ‘CUZ YOU SURELY NEED A WHACKIN’ ♪

Uma: ♪ I’m suckin’ dust and it’s shitty! ♪

Uma: ♪ OH, I’LL LEAN ON YOU, GUY, ‘CUZ YOU’RE GETTING’ A SHELLACKIN’ ♪

Uma: ♪ I’M PUTTIN’ SWORD IN YOUR TITTY! ♪

It’s outta sight.

He’s alright!

Michael: DEBATEABLE

Michael: I DON’T WANT A CLEFT CHIN

Uma: I don’t want ANY clefts!

Uma: And that dust-suckin’ situation is DEFINITELY getting worse.

Michael: IS THIS A CHAPTER-LONG SWORD FIGHT

Uma: IT WON’T TAKE ME A CHAPTER TO CUT DOWN YOUR PASTY ASS

Uma: Oh, hey, we actually connected there! Neat.

Michael: I FEEL LIKE A FUCKIN’ JEDI

♪ AWWWWWWWWWWW ♪

Michael: ♪ WHAM BAM ♪
Uma:shit god damn

Uma: No fair! You skipped a verse and surprised me!

Veronica: Several choruses, too!
Jade: He fights dirty! I like it.

Uma: I’m too long-running to die!

Uma: ♪ Hey man ♪
Michael: Oh, Uma, baby, it’s done, you’re screwed.

Uma: ♪ HEY MAN ♪
Michael: You won’t fool anyone, it’s rude!

Uma: ♪ HEY. MAN. ♪
Michael: zrhk…flrrggg… chrzzle…

Uma: HEY.
Michael: …are! …we!
Uma: MAN
Michael: …stiiiiiil! Doing the… HRRRRRKSONG?!

Uma: ♪ OH, HIT ME ♪

Veronica: Yeah! Hit her!
Jade: Hit that girl!
Jeannie: HIT A GIRL!

Michael: Thank you, ma’am.

Michael: I think you hit my mental reset button. Who knew it was located a sword’s length up my ass?

Uma: Glad I could help.

Uma: YOUR TURN Y’ALL

Uma: HELLO! WHITE GIRL IN TROUBLE

Uma: That usually works.

Maybe the whole sinking-through-the-concrete thing’s giving them pause.

Uma: Typical discrimination against the corporeally-challenged.

Uma: ♪ …suffragette? ♪

Veronica: THAT WAS TOO MUCH OLD MUSIC FOR MY YOUNG EARS

Fuck off YOU, we’re WELL past the deadline for name lookups now.

Michael: I don’t wanna be a murderer!
The Grim Reaper: THEN DON’T MURDER

Michael: Hey, isn’t a guy allowed one single, solitary, six-hour, fatal mistake?

The Grim Reaper: ALRIGHT. WE’LL PLAY FIND THE FLASHY-FLASHY. I HATE IT, BUT IT’S IN THE RULES.

The Grim Reaper: HOPE IT GIVES YOU CANCER.

The Grim Reaper: I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT IS, BUT NOTHING HEALTHY GLOWS.

The Grim Reaper: PICK YOUR POISON. LITERALLY, IF THERE’S ANY JUSTICE.

Michael: …you pick for me.

Michael: Wait, come back! I might need to blame this on you.

The Grim Reaper: I CHOSE POORLY FOR YOU.

Jeannie: They’re NEVER gonna believe this wasn’t me!

Jeannie: Hello, police? I think Alvin Woodrow just shanked a chick, and he’s definitely not a postal worker and neither am I goodbye.

Jeannie: Oh god, should I have disguised my voice?
Michael: All things considered, she looks pretty good, no?

Jeannie: Are you still there? Yeah, hurry. I think he’s gonna do a sex thing.

Jeannie: Great, I’m dead.

Thomas: Oh, shit, a postal worker.

Michael: Yeah, it wasn’t her. It was this guy.
The Grim Reaper: HE’S NOT TECHNICALLY WRONG.

Thomas: Blaming death on DEATH, huh? It’s just crazy enough to be CRAZY.

Veronica: I’m never complaining about short storylines again!

Oh, hey, you can see what’s under the foundation.

If you care.

Which you don’t.

Michael: Now I’m seeing things.
Thomas: You’ll be seeing things in JAIL, murder-sexer!

Michael: I wasn’t gonna… with… I didn’t even mean to kill her!
Thomas: Oh, well let’s just forget the whole thing, then, shall we?

Thomas: She DID leave a good-lookin’ corpse, though!
Michael: Should it be making me hungry?
Jeannie: You’re definitely about to eat it, rich boy!

Thomas: Oh shit, you’re rich? I wish you’d told me before all those poors saw me arrest you.

Thomas: Could’ve had you sign a waiver and been done with it.

Veronica: What just anything?

Oh, so you record THIS FUCKER’S name, Past Grugly?

Fuck you.

I’m not even gonna use it.

Alright, curtain call.

Take your bows and fuck off to the great aftershow in the sky.

Uma: Bye, you!
Nathen: Bye you yourself!

Vanessa: I miss anything?

Veronica: Most of me is horrified, but the part that loves having an awful story to tell is pretty pumped.

Most of me is that part.

Vanessa: Good news, everybody!

I don’t know if they’ll appreciate it.

Vanessa: Everybody appreciates money!

He’ll have a hard time spending it in the cell, as the song goes.

Vanessa: What?

Next time: more weird, less gross.

Vanessa: No, wait, what? Cell? What cell?

This chapter depicts gameplay from 17 December 2012.

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