The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 443

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates every damn day!

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In which I’m not feeling well but I have no buffer so HERE WE GO

Michael: Hey baby, your slip is showing.

Vanessa: Okay, everybody’s in bed now, right?

Vanessa: It’s not a great way to get my own chapter, but it is a way.

Vanessa: Sleep tight. Let the bed bugs have their way with you.

Vanessa: ♪ How do you solve a problem like Michael… ♪

Andrew: Not here. Leave one.
Vanessa: Hey man. How do you solve a problem like Michael?

Uma: With VIOLENCE

Vanessa: We need to fence this thing in.

Cory: Man, rich people have GREAT garbage clothes.

Cory: I’m assuming rich people have separate outfits for every action, like Natalie Portman in The Phantom Menace.

Cory: The one where she played Natalie Portman being bored.
Vanessa: She plays that in every movie.

Vanessa: I don’t know why I’m doing this.

Cory: I know why I’m reciprocating.

Cory: I’m a reciprocating ENGINE, baby!

Vanessa: I was wondering if you could help me with something.
Cory: Do I get to pick the something?

Vanessa: Can you stop ENTROPY from fucking up my family?
Cory: I thought ENTROPY was your family.

Cory: Yeah sure I’ll look into it.

Vanessa: I’m not offering my body in return, just in case my hilariously poor choice of garbage clothes gave you the wrong impression.

Cory: Your body’s kind of old anyway.

Vanessa: It’s not nice to say it, though.

Vanessa: The Maker’s using autocomplete in Word now! What a lazy asshole.

Cory: If you’re trying to get yourself killed, please do not involve me.

Cory: If you’re trying to get someone else killed, though, I’m your guy.

Vanessa: I don’t want more guys.

Cory: I could replace your current one.

Vanessa: But I’ve got him trained! At least I thought I did.

Vanessa: ’til he started macking on our daughter.

Vanessa: Yeah, seriously.

Cory: I love how fucked up you Sharpe people are.

Cory: It’s like you want to experience every meaning of the word “fuck.”

Vanessa: On that note, FUCK.

Vanessa: Wanna?

Cory: Compulsively!

Cory: Impulsively.

Cory: Convulsively?

Repulsively.

Man, I love it when four captions in a row just write themselves.

And then I can blow the fifth by commenting on it.

Vanessa: “Blowing the fifth” sounds like slang for giving oral sex to a journalist.

Cory: Which nobody would ever do.

Vanessa: Is there slang for pulling out a video game during a makeout session?

Asexuality, I guess.

Vanessa: Are you asexual?
Cory: More like “Eh! Sexual!”

Vanessa: Lovely.

Vanessa and Cory: *flail about like imbeciles *

Cory: Hey man, you’re the one picking the pics.

Vanessa: He seems nice.

He does?

Vanessa: Not at all, no, but that’s a generic expression of attraction, so.

Vanessa is also generically attractive.

Oh DO WE GOTTA

Cory: No, we do NOT gotta.

Nathen: Dangit! If only all media ever created had warned me that crime doesn’t pay!

Nathen: Oh SHOOOOOOOT

Cory: Don’t gotta tell me once!

Cory: Twice would be overkill.

Cory: And it’s not like I’d ever underkill.

Cory: If such a thing is even possible.

Cory: GOD I MISSED THIS

Cory: Gonna bang out a mission in Peace Walker while I wait.

The Grim Reaper: BUY A 3DS, YOU PLEB.

Cory: NINTENDO IS FOR BABIES
The Grim Reaper: SONY IS FOR TELEVISIONS

Cory: Can we at least agree that Microsoft-
The Grim Reaper: MICROSOFT IS TERRIBLE, YEAH.

Cory: Wait a minute, this isn’t Peace Walker, it’s a blank screen.

Cory: I bet I can beat it.

The Grim Reaper: DO YOU BEAT IT OFTEN?

I stole that joke from a friend.

They can have it back if they read this.

HAHAHA.

HAHA OH MY GOD WHAT

Goopy Kimbrell: Greetings from the end of the world!

Cory: If the end of the world ever happens, buddy, I’ll be there when it does.

Goopy: Your grammar is poor.
Cory: Your FACE is UGLY!

Goopy: Your insults are poor.
Cory: Your FACE is UGLY!

Goopy: So?

Goopy: You fight like a dairy farmer!

Cory: Why? Did you… want to borrow… one…?

Cory: Fuck this, I’m just gonna kill you.

Cory: Not the sternum! I need that for whatever it does!

Cory: Okay, we’re gonna say that hit was all jacket.

Cory: ARM HARM

Cory: Hey, so THIS is what those fancy grips are for! Neat!

Cory: STOP PICKING MY NOSE

You know what they say.

You can pick your friends, and you can pick your noise.

But you can’t pick your friend’s nose with a sword.

I think that’s what they say.

They’re pretty weird.

Goopy: So, can we wrap this up, or…?

Goopy: I’m getting sword bored.

Cory: You’re getting sword GORED!
Goopy: Nice one!

Goopy: I’ll tell my friend Sword Gord about it when I see him.

Goopy: Maybe he’ll come to your funeral.

Cory: Maybe you won’t.

Cory: Let’s make that a certainty.

Goopy: It’s supposed to be a duel to the death! DEATH! Not DEATHS!

Cory: WE DID IT WRONG

Goopy: I wanted to dance on your grave!

Goopy: Or at least have you dance on mine!

Goopy: WAIT WHY ARE YOU UP

Goopy: DID YOU HAVE… MORE…
Cory: Hit points, yeah.

Cory: Not, like, a lot more, but.

The Grim Reaper: YOU SURE YOU DON’T WANT ME TO STICK AROUND? JUST IN CASE YOU NEED A RIDE LATER?

Cory: No man, I’m totally flh. I’m totally flh.

The Grim Reaper: TOTALLY FINE, I’M GUESSING?

The Grim Reaper: YEAH, YOU LOOK FINE.

The Grim Reaper: TRY TO CATCH THEM BOTH IN THE BEAM.

Cory: Thank god I roll in my sleep.

Cory: Who knew sword fights could be so dangerous?

Besides everybody?

Cory: Yeah, who else?

Cory: Now I’ll remove the damaged parts and replace them.

That only works for terminators.

Cory: WHAT?!

Cory: SHIT

I think you mean-

Cory: PISS

Cory: Good news! He only punctured my bladder.

Cory: I’m sure this will fix it. Nobody ever bled to death in a bathtub.

You gonna clean that?

Cory: Hahaha no?

Cory: You get some crazy ideas, my man.

Cory: Which isn’t to say that I don’t.

Cory: Is that hay on her sheets?

I think it’s bamboo.

Cory: I still wanna roll in it.

Cory: God, I don’t know what I’m thinking.

Vanessa: I do.

Vanessa: Why the sudden attack of amorousness?
Cory: It’s been a night for sudden attacks.

Cory: How the sudden nudity?
Vanessa: Practice.

Vanessa: And the Maker helped.

Happy to serve.

As long as it’s nudity I’m serving.

What’s that face mean?

Cory: It means she can feel my pants bulge, and she’s doing mental math.

Cory: And the numbers are all in my favour.

Vanessa: It’s comforting to know that there’s big dicks outside of my family.

Cory: And now, technically, inside of your family!

Cory: Man, this was totally worth getting stabbed for.
Vanessa: You got STABBED?!
Cory: I said it was worth it, though!

Vanessa: My husband will be awake soon.
Cory: I bet I could take him without pulling out.

Cory: I was JOKING.

Cory: I totally could, though.

Michael: Maybe today’s the day I wake up not awful.

I know that feel.

Veronica: What’s it feel like when it is the day you wake up not awful?

I don’t know that feel.

Veronica: Wanna know feels with me?
Michael: Wish I didn’t.

Vanessa: Oh good, the Wonder Twins are up.

Veronica: Thanks for letting me wipe my nose on you.

Michael: Anything to reduce the attraction score.

Michael: LITERALLY ANYTHING AT THIS POINT

Vanessa: Look. ANTHONY.
Anthony: Call me Benson, mum.
Vanessa: I’ve seen that movie, I’m not falling for it.

Cory: How did you pull the sheets up UNDER her?
Anthony: This outfit is a holdover from my magician days.

Anthony: Please allow me to correct your form.

Michael: Please allow me to CARESS your form OH MY GOD HELP

Cory: Dammit, I’m hard-wired to respond to that phrase.

Cory: I’m also hard.

Vanessa: And I’m wired!

Vanessa: Because you’re hard.

Cory: I’m sorry if I leaked on your bed.

Cory: Especially if it’s not all blood.

Next time: it cuts like a knife.

And it feels terrible.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 17 December 2012.

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