The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 438

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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In which a million vacations is what you’ve got in mind.

‘cuz you can only drive down Main Street West so many times.

Yeah, “The” Murphy Family.

‘cuz there’s definitely just the one.

Vicki: And we’re definitely all Murphies.

Stephen: Are you not?
Vicki: I married you. I did not marry your family.

Stephen: Back off! She’s allergic to taxis! Apparently.

Blazej: That’s right, get it all out before you get in.

Stephen: What’s in these?
Vicki Grass.

Blazej: Where to?
Stephen: Drive across the Pacific Ocean.


Vicki: You built me a KOTTAGE?!
Stephen: Yeah baby, me and Build Mode.

And me.

Stephen: And him.

Mostly me.

Stephen: Mostly him.

Stephen: Do I want to know what “Kāne Kāne” means?


Stephen: Do I get to?


Stephen: When?


Vicki: Does it mean quaint?

Very much not.

Vicki: It looks quaint anyway.

Look at me go!

That’s TWO houses built from scratch that don’t look like ass!

We might see a third within the decade.

I particularly like the exhibitionist elements.

And the way the neighbourhood terrain isn’t garbage.

For which I can take no credit.

Attaboy Grugly, give yourself extra work.

For anyone who’s puzzled and wants to be more so.

Stephen: Hey baby, wanna hang out on the road for no reason?

Stephen: So, what do you think?
Vicki: I think a lot of work went into it, for a gimmick that’ll peter out within a few years.

Vicki: And also I love it.

Stephen: Afterthought love is best love.

Stephen: Welcome to our import beer commercial.

Stephen: It’s very important to me.

Vicki: You’re a dork.

Vicki: And very important to me.

Stephen: Butt touch.

Stephen: Sgt. Butt Touchins, reporting for doody!
Vicki: Hahaha ew.

Yeah, that was basically a Lucas line, what the fuck.

Vicki: So are we never going back to Sharpesvale, or what?
Stephen: Wow, I think your boobs are talking!

Vicki: Please pay attention.
Stephen: Anything you want, talking boobs!

Stephen: Okay, yes, I’m sorry.

Vicki: It’s just I’m wondering if you’re committed to this.
Stephen: There they go again!

Vicki: Stop it.

Stephen: I will. Ninja’s honour.

Stephen: Ninja’s awesome, more like.


How badass would it be for a car to zip through at precisely that moment?

Not badass enough for Past Grugly to fake it, apparently.

Stephen: Oh, my knee.

Vicki: Yeah, I learned to pad my dress, living at Sharpestone.

Stephen: …it’s only padded at the knees, right…?

Vicki: And you’ll see me naked a lot more, if these are my outfit choices.

Vicki: Is this cultural appropriation?


Everything is.

Vicki: Yes! I look hot now!
Stephen: That’s cool.

Stephen: Babe.

Vicki: I can’t bear to look.

Stephen: I can work with that.

Vicki: Holiday sex is best sex.


Vicki: Oh my god, we could have hotel sex too!
Stephen: For free, if we tell them we’re just looking!

Stephen: I hope they don’t put condos in next door or anything.

Stephen: I say “next door” but we don’t even have one.

Stephen: Door.

Vicki: My door’s always open, baby.

Vicki: How did you afford all this?
Stephen: Several local art galleries are paying me to stop painting and taking pictures.

Stephen: And a few collectors paid good money for the pictures and paintings they paid me not to make any more of.

Aren’t you pregnant?

Vicki: The baby asked for this stuff specifically.

Vicki: The baby also hates germs.

Stephen: I hope the baby likes fish.

Vicki: Man, the news is pretty slow in a state where nothing happens until the playables go on vacation.

I didn’t know that food made from real ingredients found in the real world, instead of replicated out of protomatter by a refrigerator, would sparkle like this.

One of the many things TS2 has taught me.

Stephen: It’s definitely real and true.

Vicki: The sparkles taste like fireworks.

Stephen: Gotta be careful I don’t accidentally fuck this wall.

Vicki: Yeah, I don’t wanna have to beat up a wall or anything.

The hotel owners must love you guys.

Vicki: I thought the point of an outdoor shower was that the weather will clean it for you.
Stephen: I don’t think it rains soap, even in foreign countries.

Stephen: This is a foreign country, right?

Stephen: She’s stopped listening to me.

That bodes very, very well for your marriage.

I’m not even kidding.

Stephen: If she stops seeing me, too, we could make it to our golden anniversary!

The hardest thing to do in TS2, for me, is to allow empty space to be empty.

The second-hardest thing is to allow empty heads to be empty.

Stephen: Alright, fade out and retire us as characters already.


I just got some orange vanilla Coke Zero and it’s literally the best thing.

Now you’re talkin’.


Talkin’ thinkin’.

Stephen: Can’t sleep?
Vicki: Not with you thinkin’ and him talkin’ so much.

Stephen: So, fuckin’, then?

Vicki: Gazin’.

Vicki: Oh, good, there’s an asteroid headed this way.

Stephen: No, I do not want a subscription to your magazine. In fact, I wish to unsubscribe from your entire expansion pack!

Vicki: Turns out the asteroid was a lens crack.

Nothing depresses me more than when apocalyptic situations resolve themselves.

When I was a kid we had a school trip for a train ride, and some of the kids were spreading a rumour that the train was gonna crash because the bridge was out ahead.

Vicki: Ah, such a harmless jape with no potential consequences.

I remember being vaguely disappointed that we didn’t plunge to our fiery demise.

You know how kids get when they set their hearts on something.

Vicki: Know what my favourite childhood memory is? “Made Best Friends with Mystery Sim.”

Vicki: Ah, it always feels good to take a load off.


With a vengeance!

Vicki: …I thought this couldn’t happen here.

Maybe you’re not where you think you are.

Vicki: Are you simulating the vacation house just to put my pregancy through its cycle?

That would be a crazy thing to do.

So yes.

Stephen: I lost sight of you for a moment! And you came back fat.

Vicki: Hey man, thanks.

Stephen: Did you travel to an alternate dimension? Did you bring me back anything cool?

Stephen: Of course you didn’t. Even our alternate dimensions are lame.

Stephen: Teaching the baby how to teleport?

Vicki: Teaching the baby how to scene transition?

Stephen: This next part will not be for the baby’s benefit.

Vicki: All those food sparkles hornt me up.

“Hornt” might be my favourite non-word.

Download ’em both and flip between ’em.

It’s an animation of a beckoning bed-shaped smoke monster!

Vicki: There’s no-one I’d rather have break my wrist than you.

I still can’t believe I gave a custom Sim a Maxis skintone.

And then had him populate the neighbourhood.

Stephen: I still can’t believe I fucked Stewart’s wife.

She wasn’t his wife yet, actually.

Stephen: I know. It’s the end of the chapter, and I didn’t want to force you to go find that letter “e” with the accent over it for the correct term.

Vicki: Oh god, oh god.


Vicki: Alright, that’s it. I’m gonna self-publish a novel about my horrifying dreams.

Vicki: It will make me at least seven dollars.

Vicki: Oops, I kissed through his hair.

Vicki: Life is but a nightmare, as they say.

Stephen: At least your nightmares are pretty.

Vicki: Yeah. Pretty nightmarish.

Stephen: You’ll forget about all the murders you did once you settle in.
Vicki: Will they forget about me, though?

Stephen: Get out of the way! She’ll see you!

Vicki: You don’t want to greet the paper people?
Stephen: I’m trying to live a new life, not repeat my old one!

Stephen: You could teach an entire university course on the continuity of this story.
Vicki: You couldn’t get anyone to pay for it, but yeah.

Vicki: X=½y2.
Stephen: You got that right.

I ended up having to hunt down some special characters after all.

Vicki: Mmm, that’s some good baby.

Stephen: All the health manuals say to drink a lot when you’re pregnant.

Vicki: I appreciate the misunderstanding.

Stephen: I depreciate.

You certainly do!

Next time: back to Buxom Beach.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 16 December 2012.

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