The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 435

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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In which the pictures are good and life is not.

Allie: And the chips are acceptable.

Is somebody visiting Elle?

Does Elle even know anybody?

Besides the person she murdered?

Bambi: About that.

You’re looking very…

Bambi: Professional.

I was gonna say “sexy librarianish,” but I hestitated because I hated the way it looked typed out.

Bambi: I don’t manage bookcases, I manage nutcases.

Elle: Oh, is it casual day? I’m already dressed for it.

Elle: Although if that’s your definition of casual… man.

Elle: Wait, didn’t you quit?
Bambi: I prefer to think of it as evolving.

Bambi: We’re opening a mental institution out in the countryside.
Elle: And you’re the first patient?

Bambi: I’m the first inmate, so to speak. You’re the first patient.

Elle: I can think of a good second one.

Bambi: Hahaha no. I’d have to want to help her.

Elle: So wait, I’m crazy?
Bambi: How many inanimate objects have you spoken with today?
Elle: Oh, all of them. Why?

Bambi: I have this theory that antisocial behaviour is just the result of low Aspiration.
Elle: Sorry, my antisocial behaviour is a very important part of my personality.

Bambi: Is being in jail also very important to you?

Bambi: Didn’t think so.

Bambi: Man, all uncomfortable conversations should be prefaced by a walk down death row.

Allie: I should’ve worn something more restrictive in the groinal region.

Allie: I need to reset my bowels via stack overflow.

Bambi: Wait, are you actually crazy now?
Allie: I’m not crazy about that outfit you’re wearing…

Allie: Oh good, my coal casserole is ready!

Allie: It’s not burnt, it’s ♪ just a little unwell
Bambi: Fuck, not this again.

Bambi: Okay, well, I’m taking Elle to the asylum now.
Allie: ♪ I know, right now you can’t tell ♪
Bambi: I AM IN THE PROCESS OF TELLING

Allie: ♪ But stay a while and then you’ll see ♪
Bambi: No.
Allie: ♪ A different side of me! ♪
Bambi: I only want to see the back of you.

Bambi: And I fucking hate Matchbox Twenty.
Allie: Me too. What about it?

Allie: Wait, was I singing just now?

Allie: MY WORDS ARE LEAKING

Bambi: You’re suffering from low Aspiration. I can help you if you check yourself in.
Allie: I’d rather check myself out. Heyo!

Bambi: Those prison breaks are taking a toll on you. I’m sure someone else can mind the store in your absence.
Allie: Except I know who that would be, and FUCK THAT GUY

Bambi: Maybe forget that guy, and fuck someone else?
Allie: But he’s super fuckable!

Bambi: We’ve got a lovely place way out in the county, you’d like it.
Allie: How’s your cheerleading program?

Bambi: You haven’t been a cheerleader for decades.

Bambi: She took that well.

Allie: I’m eating it well, too!

Allie: Retaining, not so much.

Allie: Don’t put this in the novelization.

Remind me in 2040.

Elle: Everything settled?
Bambi: As settled as it’s gonna be.

Bambi: Are you ready to take the next step?
Elle: Wow, it’s only one step? How’d you get a building permit for that?

Elle: Do I get shoes, at least?

Bambi: We don’t have a budget for shoes.

Elle: How about fancy hospital gowns?
Bambi: We used up all the fancy on my clothes.

Bambi: DON’T LOOK, ELLE! THE EPIC UNCROPPABLE WALLS-DOWN-NESS WILL DRIVE YOU FURTHER INSANE

Elle: Y’all got spongebaths at this resort?

Elle: ♪ I’m talkin’ to myself in public ♪
Bambi: I’m here, and this isn’t exactly public.

Elle: ♪ Dodging glances on the train ♪
Bambi: Trains are a myth.

Elle: ♪ I can hear them whisper, and it makes me think ♪
Bambi: That must be a novel experience.

Elle: ♪ There must be somethin’ wrong with me ♪
Bambi: Yeah, you smell real bad.

Elle: ♪ Out of all the hours thinkin’, somehow I’ve lost my mind ♪
Bambi: I’d blame all the years being non-playable, really.

Elle: ♪ I’m not crazy ♪
Bambi: You’re right, I need to be more clinical.
Elle: ♪ I’m just a little impaired ♪
Bambi: ♪ I know ♪
Elle: ♪ Right now, you don’t care♪
Bambi: That’s not fair.
Elle: ♪ But pretty soon you’re gonna think of me ♪
Bambi: I drove a fucking ambulance here for you!
Elle: ♪ And how I used to be ♪
Bambi: The less said about how you used to be, the better.

♪ I’ve been talkin’ in my sleep ♪

Allie: …pissed myself…

♪ Pretty soon they’ll come to get me ♪

Neil: With a forklift, hopefully.

Elle: ♪ Yeah, they are takin’ me away ♪

Dagmar: Garbage in, garbage out.

Laci: That’s a little harsh, don’t you think?
Dagmar: I think I like being a little harsh.

Laci: Thanks for getting me this job! For some reason.

Dagmar: Well, hey, nobody has to do it.

Dagmar: Your hair is freaking me out.

Laci: Your ventriloquism skills are freaking me out.

Laci: I’m glad we could share this tiny, tiny moment.

Laci: …I’ve never seen a horizontal ejector seat before.

Laci: Thanks for the awkwardness!

Laci: Hello mindless entertainment, my old friend.

♪ All day starin’ at the ceilin’ ♪

Neil: It’s all blurry.

♪ Makin’ friends with shadows on my wall ♪

Laci: Where are the shadows?

Shit.

♪ All night hearing voices tellin’ me that I should get some sleep ♪

Allie: Yeah, that’s a pretty serious glitch right there.

♪ Because tomorrow might be good for somethin’ ♪

Allie: Which would be great if tomorrow wasn’t A YEAR AWAY

♪ Hold on, feelin’ like I’m headed for a breakdown ♪

Allie: Or a sink.

Allie: Or both.

♪ And I don’t know why ♪

Allie: Because the showers are all either filthy or in Neil’s house.

Allie: Which should actually be my house now?

Allie: But I’ve already committed, so.

If only you’d already been committed.

Laci: I’m gonna carefully avoid whatever’s making that gross squishing sound.

Laci: Unless it’s Neil. God, it’s probably Neil.

Laci: God, are these-

I’ve let it slide until now, but my proper title is THE MAKER.

Laci:geeze, are these all my colour choices?

Neil: It’s fine, I can’t see colour now anyway.

Laci: I guess I need to change my name to Dowdy now.

Laci: I’ll add that to my plan for murdering Alvin and fleeing the country.

Neil: ♪ Well, you dance when you walk ♪

Wrong chapter.

Neil: ♪ Well, I hear you went up to Saratoga ♪

WRONG CHAPTER

Neil: ♪ WELL I’M JUST A LITTLE UNW- ♪

WE ALREADY DID THAT PART

Neil: Actually no, it’s from the end.

Neil: Speaking of ends.
Laci: Hahaha what?
Neil: I dunno, your butt I guess?

I’m gonna use that as one of Ember’s rock album titles.

Your Butt I Guess.

Neil: Speaking of BUTTS

Laci: Wanna stage a coup?
Neil: Man, it’s been decades since I staged a good coup.

Neil: I used to be a general, before I got used up.

Laci: I’m proud to have played some small part in using you up.

Laci: You crusty old fartsack.

Neil: So, wanna take a roll in my crusty old fart sack?

Neil: Wow, that sexless uniform is trés sexy.

It’s called the Star Trek: The Next Generation effect.

Neil: Ew, I don’t want to be experiencing some fuckin’ nerd effect.

Laci: Hee hee hee HELP ME KILL MY EX

Neil: Yeah baby! I love a good murder plot.
Laci: I know! You really loved the one that got me murdered.

Neil: …yeah.
Laci: Yeah.
Neil: Yeah, that happened alright.

Neil: No hard feelings?
Laci: They have a pill for that, these days.

Laci: I can’t believe I’m here with you again after all this time.
Neil: It’s fate!
Laci: It’s lazy plotting, is what it is.

Neil: Let’s engage in some active plotting, then.

Laci: Are you sorry about what happened between us?

Neil: I’m sorry that I’m not sorry.

Laci: That’s a lot, I guess, coming from you.

Allie: WHO PISSED THEMSELVES I DIDN’T PISS MYSELF

Allie: So, you’re the new guard, huh?
Laci: Yeah. What’re we guarding?
Allie: The world’s largest instant meal supply, currently.

Allie: And some chips, but they’re mine.

Neil: Did I just walk into a cartoon?

Maybe not, but you did just walk out of a disaster.

Nanette: Androsssss

WHAT.

Look, I tried to find a brain-shaped country to make a joke about that, but ONCE AGAIN GEOGRAPHY HAS FAILED ME

Nanette: Did somebody already trash this place?

Nanette: I think I can smell burnt flesh.

Laci: I think I can smell stankd flesh.

Laci: And maybe an onrushing cliffhanger?

Allie:…how… I used… to be…

Laci: Klingon promotion, coming up!

Laci: Next time: troubleshooting.

Next time: yeah, that.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 15 December 2012.

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