Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
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In which I honestly thought I was gonna have the very first chapter where I didn’t have to crop a single pic!
AND THEN GUESS WHAT HAPPENED
I kinda like Dagmar, but I do wonder how much of that is actually me liking Dagmar’s underwear.
I kinda like Neil, but I know that most of that is actually the sunk cost fallacy at work.
Neil: The sunk cost fallacy is also at work when I steal her newspaper and kick over her garbage can.
Neil: True love is indistinguishable from petty selfishness.
Neil: Actually most of what I do is indistinguishable from petty selfishness.
HAS ANYBODY MADE A MOD TO STOP THE PAPER FROM DISAPPEARING LIKE THAT
I love the texture on the instant meal.
It’s very 1992.
What’s on the agenda for today, mayor my mayor?
Dagmar: Get in the helicopter, cease to exist, get out of the helicopter.
Dagmar: Except there’s no helicopter now because SOMEONE decided a CAR would be better.
I mean, you had a Want to buy-
Dagmar: BETTER, let me reiterate, than a HELICOPTER
The Wants Panel wants what the Wants Panel Wants want.
Dagmar: That’s enough nonexistence for one day.
Dagmar: If you’re here to complain, my office hours are over.
Dagmar: If you’re here for flattery I can make an exception.
Dagmar: There was a phone in my mailbox and this was the only number it knew?
William: Weird!
Dagmar: I can’t tell if he was trying to be romantic or creepy.
What’s this “or” nonsense about?
Dagmar: Ah, l’or.
William: Yeah, yeah, I’m sure this is very exciting for you.
William: Yeah, yeah, I’m sure this is very exciting for you.
Dagmar: DON’T LOOK AT MY UNDERWEAR
William: BUT IT’S HARD
Dagmar: Was that a double entendre?
William: Everything’s a double entendre.
William: PILLOW TALK
Dagmar: FOR EXAMPLE
William: I’m getting too old for examples.
William: And for not acting like an adult.
Dagmar: Remember when there were three police chiefs and one of them was a zombie? That was pretty wild.
William: Remember when there were two police chiefs? Hold that thought.
Dagmar: Remember when things were pretty wild? What happened?
Dagmar: We shot the goose who laid the zombie eggs, that’s what happened.
William: I mean, we could bring her back if it means that much to you.
Neil: HASHTAG NOT MY MAYOR
…
Neil: IS THIS HOW HASHTAG WORKS
William: This is how William works.
Dagmar: He works well!
Dagmar: Your suit is so plush!
Dagmar: Your face is so plush!
William: What?
I accidentally typed “F” instead of “D” when I was writing Dagmar’s name just now.
I’ve never been so petrified of making a typo.
William: I’m falling for you, Magmar.
William: William used Horn Attack!
Dagmar: It’s super effective!
William: I hope that was a reference to a cool thing!
♪ [The best lil’ bass riff in all human history] ♪
♪ Son of a gun ♪
Neil: I’m a gun!
♪ You walked into the party ♪
William: i.e. the vagina
♪ Like you were walkin’ onto a yacht ♪
William: i.e. a vagina
♪ Your hat strategically dipped below one eye ♪
Dagmar: Sounds pimpin!
♪ Your scarf, it was apricot ♪
William: I don’t have a scarf, but somehow I think this song is about me.
♪ You had one eye in the mirror as you watched yourself gavotte ♪
William: Man, that is one GOOD idea!
Dagmar: “Gavotte”?
♪ And all the girls dreamed that they’d be your partner ♪
Dagmar: THERE’S A LINE
♪ They’d ♪
Dagmar: ♪ BE YOUR PARTNER AND ♪
Dagmar: ♪ You’re so vain ♪
William: Veiny.
Dagmar: ♪ YOU PROB’LY THINK THIS ORGASM’S ABOUT YOU ♪
William: I mean… yeah.
Dagmar: ♪ You’re so vain ♪
William: It’s one of my many best qualities!
♪ I’ll bet you think this chapter’s about you ♪
Dagmar: ♪ Don’t you? ♪
♪ Don’t you? ♪
William: Damn right I do.
Dagmar: They all are, really.
William: If I knew a singer, they’d write an entire song about me, and everybody would know it.
♪ Well you’re where you should be all the time ♪
William: Here here.
♪ And when you’re not you’re with some underworld spy ♪
William: This song is about me!
♪ Or the wife of a close friend ♪
William: ♪ THE WIFE OF A CLOSE FRIEND?! ♪
William: I honestly couldn’t help it.
William: Man, other people’s wives.
Dagmar: You could just get one of your own.
William: Listen to yourself. “One.”
William: Although this is a damn fine follow-up argument.
♪ You’re so vain ♪
♪ I’ll bet you think this blowjob’s about you ♪
That’s about how much sense I think the actual song makes.
It’s still fantastic.
Dagmar: Honestly, with how big this thing is, the blowjob’s about ME.
Dagmar: And my capacity.
William: “Capacity.” Them’s some sexy word-usin’s.
William: Oh yeah baby, eat my mouth air.
That was just in case y’all think I’ve lost my touch by focusing on this music stuff.
William: I never want to lose my touch.
William: Will you touch me? Officially?
Dagmar: I thought you already had a wife.
William: She made a ridiculous decision.
William: She had a William Stephen and decided to settle on a bog-standard Stephen.
William: I’m gonna jerk off a bit.
William: My middle name is Stephen.
Dagmar: Yes, I got the reference.
William: Nobody else did.
Dagmar: You wouldn’t believe the day I had! Somebody stole a schoolbus.
William: If I say I believe it, can we change the subject?
William: Do you not have a cable unscrambler?
William: I hate these Dark Universe movies.
Everyone does.
Dagmar: Literally everyone.
Dagmar: HOW DO YOU FUCK UP THE MUMMY?!
Dagmar: Is this a nature documentary?
Dagmar: Is that a person or a lens smudge?
William: No matter what we do, our TV signal will be 2004 forever.
William: IT REMINDS ME OF MY MORTALITY FOR SOME REASON
William: How come we don’t have werewolves here yet?
Because we make our own fun.
Dagmar: He’s not wrong.
Dagmar: Even when he’s vain.
Dagmar: You know, he had to quit the game to make this half-underwear combo for me.
William: He made it for me.
I made it for me.
You’re just secondary beneficiaries.
William: Let’s try for balls-deep this time.
Sure, it was crass.
But this chapter’s at least broken my string of saying “cock” half a dozen times.
Once is fine.
Dagmar: You really need to figure out how to show time passing so I can get a good night’s sleep.
Dagmar: Aren’t you forgetting something?
William: I’m like a million years old. I’m forgetting everything.
William: I’ll grant you, this is one of the more immediate things.
Dagmar: They found the bus in a ditch.
That’s good.
Dagmar: It was full of blood.
That’s… not good?
William: What do you mean by fu-
Dagmar: I mean full. FULL.
William: Like you, last night?
Dagmar: Almost.
William: That’s a lot of blood.
William: I mean, it’d be more impressive if it was what she was full of last night, but yeah.
I don’t know whether I should be picturing a bus full of semen or a bus full of cum.
…oh my god, Present Grugly, have I told you how much I love you lately?
Dagmar: Yeah, he’s still fellating himself.
Dagmar: I’m sorry to hear about your wife, chief.
Victor Cwik: Why? There’s finally only one police chief, and you’re lookin’ at him!
Dagmar: Talkin’ at him.
Dagmar: Did you know Nerissa Cwik died?
William: Yeah.
Dagmar: Were you gonna tell me?
William: Sure doesn’t look that way.
Dagmar: Do you know why Laci Phelps would want to apply for a prison guard job? And secondarily, why Laci Phelps would be alive?
Dagmar: Never mind, I can tell your mind’s somewhere else.
Dagmar: Probably in my underwear.
William: It really is quite good, that underwear.
William: Look at us! Being domestic.
Dagmar: So that’s what domesticity smells like.
Dagmar won first prize in a mayoralty contest.
Dagmar: I don’t know what this means, and I didn’t want to wake him about it, but ♪ I had some dreams, they were clouds in my coffee, clouds in my coffee, and… ♪
Dagmar: ♪ YOU’RE SO MAIN ♪
I’ll bet he thinks this journal’s about him.
Dagmar: I’m sure he’ll never regret it.
William: Yeah, before we tie the knot, you should refresh yourself on what happened to my last three wives.
Dagmar: I’m a politician, I don’t seek out information before making decisions.
Luckily, neither do voters.
Fuck Joe Biden.
Next time: prison reform.
That’s not even a joke.
This chapter depicts gameplay from 15 December 2012.