Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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In which I honestly thought I was gonna have the very first chapter where I didn’t have to crop a single pic!

AND THEN GUESS WHAT HAPPENED

I kinda like Dagmar, but I do wonder how much of that is actually me liking Dagmar’s underwear.

I kinda like Neil, but I know that most of that is actually the sunk cost fallacy at work.

Neil: The sunk cost fallacy is also at work when I steal her newspaper and kick over her garbage can.

Neil: True love is indistinguishable from petty selfishness.

Neil: Actually most of what I do is indistinguishable from petty selfishness.

HAS ANYBODY MADE A MOD TO STOP THE PAPER FROM DISAPPEARING LIKE THAT

I love the texture on the instant meal.

It’s very 1992.

What’s on the agenda for today, mayor my mayor?

Dagmar: Get in the helicopter, cease to exist, get out of the helicopter.

Dagmar: Except there’s no helicopter now because SOMEONE decided a CAR would be better.

I mean, you had a Want to buy-

Dagmar: BETTER, let me reiterate, than a HELICOPTER

The Wants Panel wants what the Wants Panel Wants want.

Dagmar: That’s enough nonexistence for one day.

Dagmar: If you’re here to complain, my office hours are over.

Dagmar: If you’re here for flattery I can make an exception.

Dagmar: There was a phone in my mailbox and this was the only number it knew?
William: Weird!

Dagmar: I can’t tell if he was trying to be romantic or creepy.

What’s this “or” nonsense about?

Dagmar: Ah, l’or.

William: Yeah, yeah, I’m sure this is very exciting for you.

William: Yeah, yeah, I’m sure this is very exciting for you.

Dagmar: DON’T LOOK AT MY UNDERWEAR
William: BUT IT’S HARD

Dagmar: Was that a double entendre?
William: Everything’s a double entendre.

William: PILLOW TALK
Dagmar: FOR EXAMPLE

William: I’m getting too old for examples.

William: And for not acting like an adult.

Dagmar: Remember when there were three police chiefs and one of them was a zombie? That was pretty wild.
William: Remember when there were two police chiefs? Hold that thought.

Dagmar: Remember when things were pretty wild? What happened?

Dagmar: We shot the goose who laid the zombie eggs, that’s what happened.

William: I mean, we could bring her back if it means that much to you.

Neil: HASHTAG NOT MY MAYOR

…

Neil: IS THIS HOW HASHTAG WORKS

William: This is how William works.
Dagmar: He works well!

Dagmar: Your suit is so plush!

Dagmar: Your face is so plush!
William: What?

I accidentally typed “F” instead of “D” when I was writing Dagmar’s name just now.

I’ve never been so petrified of making a typo.

William: I’m falling for you, Magmar.

William: William used Horn Attack!
Dagmar: It’s super effective!

William: I hope that was a reference to a cool thing!

♪ [The best lil’ bass riff in all human history] ♪

♪ Son of a gun ♪

Neil: I’m a gun!

♪ You walked into the party ♪

William: i.e. the vagina

♪ Like you were walkin’ onto a yacht ♪

William: i.e. a vagina

♪ Your hat strategically dipped below one eye ♪

Dagmar: Sounds pimpin!

♪ Your scarf, it was apricot ♪

William: I don’t have a scarf, but somehow I think this song is about me.

♪ You had one eye in the mirror as you watched yourself gavotte ♪

William: Man, that is one GOOD idea!
Dagmar: “Gavotte”?

♪ And all the girls dreamed that they’d be your partner ♪

Dagmar: THERE’S A LINE

♪ They’d ♪

Dagmar: ♪ BE YOUR PARTNER AND ♪

Dagmar: ♪ You’re so vain ♪
William: Veiny.

Dagmar: ♪ YOU PROB’LY THINK THIS ORGASM’S ABOUT YOU ♪

William: I mean… yeah.

Dagmar: ♪ You’re so vain ♪
William: It’s one of my many best qualities!

♪ I’ll bet you think this chapter’s about you ♪

Dagmar: ♪ Don’t you? ♪

♪ Don’t you? ♪

William: Damn right I do.

Dagmar: They all are, really.

William: If I knew a singer, they’d write an entire song about me, and everybody would know it.

♪ Well you’re where you should be all the time ♪

William: Here here.

♪ And when you’re not you’re with some underworld spy ♪

William: This song is about me!

♪ Or the wife of a close friend ♪

William: ♪ THE WIFE OF A CLOSE FRIEND?! ♪

William: I honestly couldn’t help it.

William: Man, other people’s wives.

Dagmar: You could just get one of your own.
William: Listen to yourself. “One.”

William: Although this is a damn fine follow-up argument.

♪ You’re so vain ♪

♪ I’ll bet you think this blowjob’s about you ♪

That’s about how much sense I think the actual song makes.

It’s still fantastic.

Dagmar: Honestly, with how big this thing is, the blowjob’s about ME.

Dagmar: And my capacity.

William: “Capacity.” Them’s some sexy word-usin’s.

William: Oh yeah baby, eat my mouth air.

That was just in case y’all think I’ve lost my touch by focusing on this music stuff.

William: I never want to lose my touch.

William: Will you touch me? Officially?

Dagmar: I thought you already had a wife.
William: She made a ridiculous decision.

William: She had a William Stephen and decided to settle on a bog-standard Stephen.

William: I’m gonna jerk off a bit.

William: My middle name is Stephen.
Dagmar: Yes, I got the reference.
William: Nobody else did.

Dagmar: You wouldn’t believe the day I had! Somebody stole a schoolbus.
William: If I say I believe it, can we change the subject?

William: Do you not have a cable unscrambler?

William: I hate these Dark Universe movies.

Everyone does.

Dagmar: Literally everyone.

Dagmar: HOW DO YOU FUCK UP THE MUMMY?!

Dagmar: Is this a nature documentary?

Dagmar: Is that a person or a lens smudge?

William: No matter what we do, our TV signal will be 2004 forever.

William: IT REMINDS ME OF MY MORTALITY FOR SOME REASON

William: How come we don’t have werewolves here yet?

Because we make our own fun.

Dagmar: He’s not wrong.

Dagmar: Even when he’s vain.

Dagmar: You know, he had to quit the game to make this half-underwear combo for me.
William: He made it for me.

I made it for me.

You’re just secondary beneficiaries.

William: Let’s try for balls-deep this time.

Sure, it was crass.

But this chapter’s at least broken my string of saying “cock” half a dozen times.

Once is fine.

Dagmar: You really need to figure out how to show time passing so I can get a good night’s sleep.

Dagmar: Aren’t you forgetting something?
William: I’m like a million years old. I’m forgetting everything.

William: I’ll grant you, this is one of the more immediate things.

Dagmar: They found the bus in a ditch.

That’s good.

Dagmar: It was full of blood.

That’s… not good?

William: What do you mean by fu-
Dagmar: I mean full. FULL.
William: Like you, last night?
Dagmar: Almost.

William: That’s a lot of blood.

William: I mean, it’d be more impressive if it was what she was full of last night, but yeah.

I don’t know whether I should be picturing a bus full of semen or a bus full of cum.

…oh my god, Present Grugly, have I told you how much I love you lately?

Dagmar: Yeah, he’s still fellating himself.

Dagmar: I’m sorry to hear about your wife, chief.
Victor Cwik: Why? There’s finally only one police chief, and you’re lookin’ at him!

Dagmar: Talkin’ at him.

Dagmar: Did you know Nerissa Cwik died?
William: Yeah.
Dagmar: Were you gonna tell me?
William: Sure doesn’t look that way.

Dagmar: Do you know why Laci Phelps would want to apply for a prison guard job? And secondarily, why Laci Phelps would be alive?

Dagmar: Never mind, I can tell your mind’s somewhere else.

Dagmar: Probably in my underwear.

William: It really is quite good, that underwear.

William: Look at us! Being domestic.
Dagmar: So that’s what domesticity smells like.

Dagmar won first prize in a mayoralty contest.

Dagmar: I don’t know what this means, and I didn’t want to wake him about it, but ♪ I had some dreams, they were clouds in my coffee, clouds in my coffee, and… ♪

Dagmar: ♪ YOU’RE SO MAIN ♪

I’ll bet he thinks this journal’s about him.

Dagmar: I’m sure he’ll never regret it.

William: Yeah, before we tie the knot, you should refresh yourself on what happened to my last three wives.

Dagmar: I’m a politician, I don’t seek out information before making decisions.

Luckily, neither do voters.

Fuck Joe Biden.

Next time: prison reform.

That’s not even a joke.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 15 December 2012.