The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 433

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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In which mild innovation is attempted for all the wrong reasons.

Kelsey: That covers all my favourite reasons for doing things HEY WHERE’S LYNDSEY

Kelsey: Hey! Where’s Lyndsey?
Stewart: How the fuck should I know?

Kelsey: He said “fuck” and got me all horny.

Oh good, it’s another one of these episodes.

Kelsey: I think my skeleton’s fucked up.

I think your skeleton’s fucked up too.

Kelsey: So fix it?

Sure, just let me reach back in time there…

Kelsey: Fuck you.

Fuck Stewart.

Stewart: I’m amenable.

Stewart: The rule of Murphy-Price attraction is hard and fast.

Kelsey: I am fast! Are you hard?

Kelsey: OCD is hard, I guess.

You don’t have to guess.

Kelsey: I bet it’s great to live with someone who’s constantly cleaning!

Hahaha, yeah!

That’s a perfect description of what a person with OCD doesn’t do.

Kelsey: What?

A person with OCD who’s scared of gross shit doesn’t intentionally involve themselves with gross shit! They clean the areas they use and leave everything else until someone else gets fed up and cleans them.

Kelsey: …I mean, I didn’t want this to become a topic for conversation. I was just making a joke.

I’m really sorry that your attempt to make mental illness hilarious was thwarted.

Stewart: Why did you make him do this?
Kelsey: I don’t knowwwww.

Kelsey: Can we get this back on track? So we can get you in my track?
Stewart: Choo! Chooooo!

Kelsey: My station’s just next door.


Kelsey: The fuck is that idiot doing.
Stewart: Me?
Kelsey: No, I know what you’re doing. The other idiot.

Stewart: I’m an idiot!

Kelsey: Nick? I’ve already fucked you, what do you want.

Nick: I thought you might fuck me again?
Kelsey: I hate reruns.

Nick: What about Rerun from Peanuts?



Don’t talk smack about Peanuts in general.

In any era.


Kelsey: Send your dad over! He’s hot.
Nick: William is not my dad.
Kelsey: Your uncle, then!
Nick: William is my brother.
Kelsey: Hahaha no!

Kelsey: Wait, seriously?

Kelsey: Either one of you has aged really well or the other has aged really poorly.

Kelsey: Don’t tell me which it is.

Kelsey: Hmm.


Kelsey: It’s apparently a phone-dominated day, today. I’m thinking about how to work that into the… festivities I have planned for later.

Stewart: Good news! It’s later!

Kelsey: Hahaha the readers hate you.

Stewart: Do you hate me?
Kelsey: I don’t have opinions about men outside of sexual attraction.

Kelsey: It’s all you’re good for.

Kelsey: And you’re probably not even good for that.

Kelsey: Andrea’s mom blew up!
Stewart: LOSER

Kelsey: Andrea’s dad’s your BROTHER!
Stewart: LOSER

Kelsey: Andrea’s aunt’s Vanessa.

Stewart: Do we have to be friends? Can’t we just fuck?

Kelsey: Wait, wait. I’m tall now?

I can’t wait for the stretchskeleton phase to be over.

Kelsey: I don’t know where my body parts are.
Stewart: That sounds…
Kelsey: Horrible? YES IT’S HORRIBLE

Kelsey: But sexy!

Come on, Chapter 451.

Stewart: You look all gangly.

Kelsey: Time for you to look all dangly.

Stewart: Let me dangle you first.

Kelsey: I hope these hoverhands get fixed soon.

They do.

They start clipping through the back.

Kelsey: Sounds hot.

So my credit card company told me that if scammers who are currently charging my card want to charge my card, they’ll happily pay them.

And I was like “If I get a new card with a new number, that’ll stop it, right?” and they were like “It’s not 100%.”

Stewart: So if the scammers come with the old number there’s a chance your company will be like “Oh that’s an old number, scam this new one.”

That’s the message as I received it, yes.

Stewart: How come you’re taller but your bust stayed the same?

Kelsey: Trust fall!

Kelsey: AGAIN?!

Kelsey: That’s Stewart. There was a brief break in our interactions so he immediately whipped out his electronic devices.

I have a friend like that.

He’d know it was him if he read this.

But he’ll never read this.


Kelsey: Yes, it’s very sweet of you to call, I love it when you cock-block me.

Kelsey: I’ve got a cock right here, all ready to go!

Kelsey: Alright, technology. Stand down.


Stewart: I love me a popular lady.
Kelsey: I’m only popular with NICK apparently!

Kelsey: What are you doing?
Stewart: Complaining about your kitchen!
Kelsey: Why?
Stewart: Because Sims are stupid.

Stupid in lust!

I think I’ve run out of things to complain about today.

I’ve got lots more problems, but I haven’t been awake for very long, so I’m not focused on them right now.

Kelsey: I’ve got only one problem but it’s VERY PERSISTENT

Kelsey: I’ve got an idea.
Stewart: I hate it when that happens.
Kelsey: You’ll like this one.

Kelsey: Oh! Leonard! That’ll make this more awkward.

Stewart: Hi Len!
Leonard: Wait, what are you doing there WAIT, how did she transfer from HER land line to YOUR cell phone?
Stewart: What are you asking? I don’t speak geek.
Leonard: …put Kelsey back on.

Leonard: What’s he doing there?
Kelsey: He’s not the one doing.

Stewart: Real subtle! He’ll never figure it out.

Leonard: Are you sucking on a lollipop?
Kelsey: No, I’m sucking on a dick.
Leonard: Is that a brand of lollipop?

Stewart: I love hands-free mode.

Leonard: Can you stop eating for a sec? I want to talk about our relationship.
Kelsey: Hmmmf mmmf fmmmf frmmf.
Leonard: It’s so sweet of you to say that.

Leonard: I think we should get married.

Leonard: Did you switch phones again?
Kelsey: It’s a day for experimentation.

Stewart: Oh god oh GOD
Leonard: Oh, God’s there too? Hi God!

Hi Len!

Leonard: What’s that slapping sound?
Kelsey: I’ve got you between my legs.
Leonard: Hahaha, like if we were having sex!
Kelsey: Yeah, like as if.

Leonard: Is that music I hear?
Kelsey: Yeah, we’re in Buy Mode right now.

Kelsey: I think I broke my arm?

Kelsey: The things we do for lust.

Leonard: Who are you lusting after?
Kelsey: I’m not lusting after, I’m lusting under.

Leonard: I feel like you’re trying to almost clue me in to something, as part of some weird game.
Kelsey: Your brother and I are definitely players, that’s for sure!

Stewart: Hey Len, that’s a nice pic of you over her bed.
Leonard: You like it? That’s where I fucked her!
Stewart: Hey man, nice.

Leonard: We’re gonna get married!
Stewart: Cool! To who?

Leonard: Man, this connection is ass right now.

Leonard: HAHAHAHA what?


Leonard: Hello?

Leonard: What’s that creaking?

Leonard: And that cooing? Do you have pigeons on your roof?

Stewart: It’s been really nice fucking with you, Len.
Leonard: Not as nice as it is fucking with Kelsey! Hahaha! Not that you’d know.

Kelsey: You might be surprised.
Leonard: No, because I meant literally fucking.
Kelsey: Right, I definitely didn’t know that.

Stewart: He’s so stupid. Am I that stupid?

Kelsey: Too stupid to count orgasms, apparently!

Kelsey: It’s good to know he’s unsatisfying across the board and across the bed.

Kelsey: Oh, he’s still here.
Stewart: The power of date compels me.

Stewart: So, what you wanna do now?
Kelsey: I kinda wanna keep fucking with Leonard.
Leonard: That’s good, because I am also still here.

Kelsey: I was just kidding about the orgasm.
Stewart: Were you?
Kelsey: Take the out, buddy.

Kelsey: And get out, buddy.

Kelsey: See if you can find out what that ridiculous noise was just now.

Another day, another… day.

Leonard: You can start your own dance club, now!

Kelsey: I wonder who I can see two pieces of wet, frozen AV equipment to?

Kelsey: Duh! Local schools.

Kelsey: Yay! My skeleton’s still fucked up!

Yay! We’re done!

Next time: Dagmar.


This chapter depicts gameplay from 4 December 2012.

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