The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 432

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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In which in witch.

Richard: In which in which witch?

That witch.

Richard: What in witch?

YOU in witch!

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Please stop.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: You’re making me feel like I’m having a stroke.

I just got that feeling from this week’s Picard.

Those boring Romulans really need to learn how to enunciate.

If it’s gonna be one hundred and sixty-four pics of this, I might as well gripe about stupid shit like that.

It’s a very good show, though.

Richard: Come on, dude.

Sir Patrick really hits it out of the-

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Come ON, dude!

Shea: I’m looking at you but I’m thinking about her.

Shea: Have a seat!
Richard: I’d rather have Lacndsey.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: Nice catch.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: I want a kiss.
Richard: I want a nectarine tartlette.

Richard: And I want this guy to stop looking at my thought balloons.
Geoffrey: I’m looking at your aspiration points, actually.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: I want to kiss a plate of lime-seared prawns.

Richard: I don’t know any of these people’s names.

Neither do I, and Past Grugly didn’t record it for me, so I’ve had to be clever.

Past Grugly is a Stupid Cocksucker: So, what’ll it be?

Lyndsey Price the Witch: What’s wrong with sucking cock?


It’s when you’re stupid at it that there’s a problem.

Richard: Make sure you’re not stupid when you’re sucking my cock later.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: That word’s coming up rather a lot lately.

Apparently when I’m under duress, my cocks come out.

Richard: Here’s to hitting the chapter’s wacko phrase quota by pic fifteen!

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Hooray!
Past Grugly is a Stupid Cocksucker: Hooray!

Past Grugly is a Stupid Cocksucker: NOW KISS THEM LIKE YOU SAID

Richard: I hope you don’t kiss my cock like that.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: I want a plate of lime-seared cock.

Past Grugly is a Fucking Imbecile: And that’s why we’re all doomed to the dustbin of history! Anyway our special is sweet onion teriyaki chicken.

Richard: I guess I should warn you: about half a dozen people have died in my house.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: You GUESS?
Richard: I mean maybe you wouldn’t WANT to know?
Lyndsey Price the Witch: I love that this is your choice of dinner conversation while some weird jackass across the FUCKING ROOM is sweet-talking me.

Richard: Did you do this?
Lyndsey Price the Witch: I’m not gonna respond until I speak with my lawyer.

Richard: You need to speak with my shower.

Bradleigh: Hey hon! You stink.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Oh yeah, baby, become one with my arm.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: It’s so hot when we’re incorporeal.

Richard: The moonlight really brings out the green in your stink cloud.

Richard: A woman jumped off my roof once.

Richard: She left a dent in the pavement.

Richard: You remind me of her.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: What.

Bitches love whatever the fuck any of this is.

So yeah, it’s funny how Sir Patrick seems to be having the time of his life, carrying the show on his back while half the young actors can’t make their lines sound like they’re not being read by a text-to-speech program.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Do you think we’re boring him?
Richard: Yeah, but so far it hasn’t been fatal.

Richard: You know, I’ve got a bathtub at home.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: Made for two?
Richard: No, that’s revolting.

Richard: Look, he tilted the camera and now you can see the roof isn’t there.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: He’s such a fucking idiot.

He really fucking is.

I mean, in fairness to him, he expected me to sift through these pics and go “ah, this one is the one he actually meant to use.”

In unfairness to him, he should have known me well enough to know I wouldn’t do that for him.

Since I am he and he is me and we are all together.

Richard: Sorry, lady. I’m with stinky.

Emmy: If I fell down that hole, do you think I could sue for enough cash to set myself up as a playable?

I think you’d break your neck and die.

Emmy: It’s still a consideration.

Richard: There’s a lot to consider here.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: You’re still with me!
Richard: I hope you’re flattered.

Richard: It’s daytime here.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: That’s pretty neat.

Richard: Lots of things are pretty neat.

Richard: Like me.

Richard: Except when I’m awful.

Richard: Which is what’s happening right now.

Are you seriously-

Richard: No, I’m playfully.

Richard: Think of it as a pay tub.

He’s a peeping Tom!

And then a car hits him.

Richard: Yeah baby, stroke them polygons.


Forget that this is Richard being a pervert for a second.

These are the pics he took, which means this is what was within the picture-taking frame, which means THESE ARE SOME OF THE ONLY PICS WHERE YOU CAN SEE WHAT I WAS ACTUALLY TRYING TO CAPTURE! The stupid game takes pics at 600×450, and if your monitor’s resolution doesn’t match that, it actually ADDS shit you didn’t see, which is why I have to crop all the time.

My god, this is Past Grugly speaking to me! He’s saying “Look! I do know how to frame a picture! The in-game camera has been slandering me the entire time! And also I like boobies.”


This naked woman has restored my faith in myself.

I still maintain he really needed to get laid, though.

Are these…


Less-compressed, too?

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Speaking of compression…

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Why not?

Richard: I was spying on you.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: I’d be offended if you weren’t.

Richard: You’re not mad?
Lyndsey Price the Witch: It doesn’t pay to be mad and naked.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Don’t look around the corner, I strongly suspect that mailwoman is hotter than me.

She’s wrong, but don’t look around the corner anyway, because that mailwoman is horrifically uncanny-looking.

Richard: She is also unlikely to snog with me.

Richard: Poink!

Richard: Do you know Chelsea?
Lyndsey Price the Witch: She’s my sister.
Richard: Hahaha! She would.

Richard: That’s such a Chelsea thing to be.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: We’re sure you’re not having a stroke?

Richard: The only person who’s having a stroke here tonight is you. Several of them, hopefully.

I know it’s a glitch that’s making the bottoms stick out like that.

But what could possibly explain the bottoms ALSO BEING THE TOPS

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Oh god, I never noticed that before, that’s terrible!

Lyndsey Price the Witch: No, fuck off, I need to stare at this a bit.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Are they ALL like that?

Bafflingly, no!

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Is the real world this existentially terrifying?

Of course not.

It’s much, much worse.

Richard: Hey baby, I’ve got a hot tub on my roof.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: Which is the site of at least two deaths.
Richard: The one who jumped died on the GROUND, thank you very much.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: You’re selling this hard, my man.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Go on, make the joke. I said the word “hard,” I know what’s coming.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: He made a joke about the word “coming” instead, which was fair.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Will you be my lime-seared prawns?

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Wow! From this angle our world isn’t depressingly finite!

Like it is from this angle, yeah.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: I’m afraid to look, but I want to look.

Richard: This was pretty impressive draw distance in 2004.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: It’s not very impressive in 2012.

And it’s not impressive at all in 2020.

Then again, nothing is impressive in 2020.

Except Star Trek: Picard!


I’m just gonna drift away and talk about TV shows.

Y’all have fun.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Look! The draw distance isn’t as bad when it looks like a natural horizon line!

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Stop trying to be romantic and fuck me.

Good, Past Grugly’s bored with this too.

Richard: Rar! I’m a T. Rex!

Richard: Bitches love it when you know that it’s T. Rex and not T-Rex.

I thought the band was T-Rex.

I looked it up just now.

The band is T. Rex.

Now you know.

I mean, you don’t know anything about them, because you’ve never heard of them, but whatever.

Past Grugly didn’t know that the animated windmill had no visible blades in Live Mode, so you’re still smarter than HIM.

Well you’re dirty and sweet, clad in black, don’t look back, and I love you

Lyndsey Price the Witch: ♪ You’re dirty and sweet, oh yeah ♪
Richard: Pretty sure this one’s about you.

Richard: ♪ Well you’re slim, and you’re weak ♪
Lyndsey Price the Witch: Um.
Richard: ♪ You’ve got the teeth of the hydra upon you ♪
Lyndsey Price the Witch: UM

Richard: ♪ You’re dirty sweet, and you’re my girl ♪
Lyndsey Price the Witch: ♪ GET IT ON ♪

♪ Bang a gong, get it on! ♪

Lyndsey Price the Witch: I’m a gong!

Lyndsey Price the Witch: ♪ Well you’re built like a car ♪
Richard: Piece by piece, in a factory!

Lyndsey Price the Witch: ♪ YOU’VE GOT A HUBCAP DIAMOND STAR HALO ♪
Richard: There’s that stroke I was talking about!

♪ You’re built like a car, oh yeah! ♪

Richard: With a range of features selected by the end user!

Richard: ♪ Well you’re an untamed youth ♪
Lyndsey Price the Witch: I was raised by a Speak n’ Spell.

Richard: ♪ That’s the truth with your cloak full of eagles ♪
Lyndsey Price the Witch: ♪ This song is nonsense, oh yeah! ♪

♪ Get it on ♪

Lyndsey Price the Witch: ♪ Bang a john! ♪

♪ Get it on! ♪

♪ Get it on ♪

Lyndsey Price the Witch: ♪ With a dong ♪

♪ Get it on! ♪

♪ Well you’re windy and wild ♪

Lyndsey Price the Witch: ♪ Because I’m fucking outside on a landing ♪

♪ You’re windy and wild, oh yeah ♪

♪ Well you’re built like a car ♪

Lyndsey Price the Witch: They ran out of new nonsense that fast?

♪ You’ve got a hubcap diamond star halo ♪

Lyndsey Price the Witch: I’m looking at DOZENS of cars right now, and I still can’t make heads or tails of that line.

Richard: *sigh* ♪ You’re dirty sweet and your my girl. ♪ Is it over yet?

Richard: A guy can only be told to get it on so many times before it starts feeling like work.

There’s still another verse, but meh.

It’s a dumb song.

There’s still like half a dozen of these pics, too, but meh.

Sex is boring sometimes.

Richard: I hope I never understand what you mean.

I had to delete FIVE PICS to get this far.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: The unexamined sex is not worth having.


Richard: It had to happen, dude, with all that cocksucking nonsense at the start of the chapter.

“All That Cocksucking Nonsense” would be a good new name for this story.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: ♪ I wanna suck a cock all night, and party every day! ♪

Richard: Can it be my cock?

Cock cock cock

Cock cock cock

It’s cock o’clock and ALL’S COCK



Richard: He’s losing it.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: And we’re getting it!

I hate those FUCKING date plumb-bobs.

I even have better pics that don’t show them, but I wanted to complain, so here we are.

You can’t get rid of them.

They’re like racists.

Richard: Date plumb-bobs are like racists.

You heard it here first.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: I can’t hear anything over the pounding in my head from the pounding from behind.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: How many pics you think he cut this time?

Only two.

But I cut them with extreme prejudice.

Richard: Now who’s the date plumb-bob?

Lyndsey Price the Witch: This is a lot of fun, but I think we need to stop before he has a fit and retroactively kills us.

Richard: I honestly don’t think he’d go that far.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: A man who would set a scene to a T. Rex song and then not go back and change it once it became apparent that it wasn’t working at all is a man who’d stop at nothing.

Anybody else want to kill the Sims who kick over cans?

Even when it’s Sims you like?

Anybody else want to watch Richard do naked-jumping jacks?

For like a dozen pics?

Me neither, but we’re doing it.

Richard: I’m an imposition!

Richard: It’s times like these I wish there were dick physics.


Richard: Dr. Dick Physics, PhD.

Richard: Is he already a main character in your books nobody’s reading?

The people you continue to exist for are reading them.

Richard: Poor them.

I agree.

Richard: I bet you’d sell more books if you illustrated them with naked jumping jacks.

If I knew that for a fact, I’d be firing up Inkscape as we speak.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: This looks like a safe place to leave valuables.

Richard: Check out them particle physics!

Do you think Dr. Dick Physics does particle physics?

Richard: I think he teaches Physics Ed.

Physics Ed also sounds like a character.

Richard: We really fell down a rabbit hole with this one.

Richard: Do you think anybody’s taking pictures of me?

Only one person, and I can assure you he’s not enjoying it.

Or good at it.

Past Grugly: Aw, man, I thought we made peace with each other!

Richard: I think I’m in love.

Oh no!

Richard: Yeah, hopefully there’s a pill I can take or something.

Richard: Luckily my personality will drive her away eventually.


I should’ve made this the title pic.

Next time: more sex, but at least I try something new.

Not something new that works, but hey.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 4 December 2012.

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