The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 431

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates every damn day!

Click Here for Previous Entries!

In which it’s a leap year.

Richard: It’s much easier when your years only last one day.

Richard: And when you can make money in your underwear.

Richard: And when you can go places in your underwear.

Richard: And when the world dresses you between scenes.

Richard: What’s your name?
Yusun: Yusun!
Richard: Is that how you say ‘hello’ in your language? What’s your name?

Richard: Weirdo.

Ally: Oh, hey, it’s the other black person.

Richard: Don’t exaggerate! There’s at least… two more?

Dagmar: Did you vote for me?
Richard: I don’t vote.
Dagmar: Then you don’t touch me, either.

Richard: I’m never gonna vote if the candidates don’t start getting sexier.

Richard: You should be more like that bland whatever over there.

Richard: She’s also black, right?

Yeah, but I think it should only count when they’re main characters.

Richard: Am I a main character?

You’re in the collage on my links hub.

Richard: Is that because I’m a main character, or because you don’t have many black main char-


Richard: Like how this phone will be for phoning and for porn!

Richard: Tiny, tinny porn.

Richard: Tiny tinny titty porn.

Richard: I don’t think I can afford to drink at a place with a name like “Walter’s.” That sort of thing generally means “so pretentious we don’t even have to tell you what we sell.

Richard: Do you come here often?
Andrea: I do come often, but not here.

Richard: I live right there.
Andrea: You are pointing at my breasts.
Richard: That’s where I live, yes.

Richard: It’s also what I live for.

Richard: And then she slapped me.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Which cheek? Turn the other one.

Richard: I have a house!
Lyndsey Price the Witch: Me too.
Richard: I have a phone!
Lyndsey Price the Witch: So what?
Richard: I have an eight-inch pen-
Lyndsey Price the Witch: I’M Lyndsey Price the Witch PLEASED TO MEET YOU

Richard: Pickup artistry is much less stressful when you’ve got a giant cock to fall back on.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: I’ll fall back on your giant cock any time you want me to, buddy.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Or it can fall on me like a tiny train from an airplane! Even a tiny train is pretty big, for a cock.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: I don’t know how we got to this.
Richard: I blame you!

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Blame me tonight and blame yourself in the morning, my man.

Richard: That diva got fat.

Richard: That man is telling that fat diva something.

Richard: I used to have prostitutes in my house but they all died.

Evelyn: I sense another trial coming on.

Evelyn: Nope, I guess I sensed a come-on coming on!

Richard: ♪ I come on Eileen! ♪
Evelyn: Evelyn.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Are you looking for someone hotter?
Richard: Not really. I’m just making sure I don’t miss them if they’re here!

Richard: But I am here for the chicks who are here, let me tell you.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: I will not let you tell me.

That’s a neat outfit.

I wonder why I don’t remember it at all.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: You probably replace it with something crappy for no good reason.

That’s almost certainly the case.

Chelsea: That’s almost certainly your face! SUCKS.

Marco: Hey baby, you legal?

Marco: What?

Richard: What.

Richard: Let me guess. You’re mad that I’m macking on someone else while I’m dating, I’m guessing, a relative of yours?
Chelsea: I’m mad that the someone else isn’t me.
Richard: You’re not someone else, baby, you’re something else.
Chelsea: Don’t talk to my baby.

Richard: Hey girl, rub my lamp.

Richard: It grants wishes! As long as you wish for semen.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Real witches fly backwards.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: You should play the Bewitched theme when I fly.

Not until you learn how to wiggle your nose.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: She was really just wiggling her mouth.



Richard: Was that you, flying backwards like a goddamn lunatic?

Richard: Oh god, oh god, one chick a time.

Beatriz Young the Witch: Just call me “one chick.”

Beatriz Young the Witch: One chick for all times.

Beatriz Young the Witch: I can kiss in three hundred distinct languages.

Richard: I can moan at four different volumes.

Beatriz Young the Witch: Is one of them “silent”?

Beatriz Young the Witch: I like strong, silent men. Or just silent men in general.

Richard: You wouldn’t happen to be the anthropomorphic personification of the concept of attractiveness, would you? It’s just that you kind of look like the anthropomorphic personification of the concept of attractiveness. At first glance.

I typed “anthropomorphic personification” right the first time, both times.

And then I typed “the” as “eth.”

And then I typed “anthropomorphic” very wrong two more times.

And then I typed “personification” as “personfication” and lumy12 noticed and pointed it out and I edited the chapter like a month later to fix it and cop to the latest in my apparently never-ending cavalcade of mistakes.

Theresa: NEAT

Richard: Nasty.

What’re you doing here?

Abigal Young the Witch: Research.

Abigal Young the Witch: The mating habits of this specimen are highly effective.

Beatriz Young the Witch: I have a lifetime of scientific knowledge about sex accumulated, without the lifetime of uptight, diligent straight-lacedness required to procure it.

Richard: So basically you have an honorary degree from Fuck University?
Abigal Young the Witch: And several actual ones from several actual ones.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Did you see the size of the bandage on that chick?
Richard: Shh, I’m replacing you.



Richard: How long you figure before he makes us all telepathic to compensate?

Lyndsey Price the Witch: You’d better hope it’s a while, because you do NOT want to know what I’m thinking right now.

Richard: Relax. You’re still the girl I came in with.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: And if you want to shorten that by one word, you’ll start behaving.

Richard: I have a house!
Angelica: Wow!
Richard: And a phone!

Angelica: I have wizard DNA.

Angelica: All the hats on our rack at home are pointy.

Theresa: Hug me, I’m wounded.

Richard: Let me see your gash.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Congratulations.

Thank you.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: On writing the all-time worst pickup line in history.

Thank you.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Richard! Come beat this dude up!

Please don’t.

I hate having to look him up to see if his name is Nathen or Nawwaf every fucking time.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Speaking of fucking time…
Richard: I’m networking.

Richard: You’re green.
Belinda the Malevolent: Must be the light.
Richard: The light is white.
Belinda the Malevolent: That’s how you know it lies.
Richard: That checks out.

Richard: I check out also.

Richard: Am I being abducted?

Belinda the Malevolent: Are you guys, by any chance, becoming beings of pure light?

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Maybe we should go.
Richard: But all these hot chicks!
Lyndsey Price the Witch: Maybe they should go.

Richard: We could bring them with us! Have a hot chick party!
Lyndsey Price the Witch: You could trade off with one of them and I could leave your sorry ass!
Belinda the Malevolent: I COULD KILL YOU ALL
Richard: Belinda the Malevolent could kill us all!

Belinda the Malevolent: I’m on a short fuse. It’s going off in one chapter or less.

Richard: Allow me to talk to you, my date, about the attractiveness of women who are not you.

Belinda the Malevolent: I could light him on fire for you.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: I appreciate the offer, but I’ll want to do it myself.

Neila: Are you the guy holding the girl auditions?
Lyndsey Price the Witch: And by “I’ll want” I mean I’ll definitely, imminently want.

Richard: I finally found one I don’t want.

Richard: You know, the dude who camped out on my roof and killed my prostitutes had green skin.
Belinda the Malevolent: If you’re gonna say that to the cops, can I watch?

Richard: Let’s just watch these idiots instead.

Cheryl: We’re idiots!

Belinda the Malevolent: And these one’s aren’t?

Richard: We’re horny idiots.

Richard: Wanna do something about that?
Lyndsey Price the Witch: Do some learning, you mean?

Lyndsey Price the Witch: That’s not what you mean, I hope.

Richard: If I wanted to learn I’d go to school.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: Do you not go to school?
Ricard: If I wanted to go to school I’d be at school.

Richard: I’d also hate myself.

Beatriz Young the Witch: Hello! Hello, from the fuck dungeon!

Mrs. Crumplebottom: I HATE the fuck dungeon.




Lyndsey Price the Witch: My working theory is that Past Grugly spends all his time staring at the women.

Abigal Young the Witch: He is basically always right there every time I turn around.

Theresa: I’m not going to dance with you.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: Why not?
Theresa: Because I don’t want to get assigned to the magic case.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: There’s a magic case?

Lyndsey Price the Witch: You can’t put me in a case, popo!

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Can you?

Lyndsey Price the Witch: “Popo”?

Beatriz Young the Witch: Bitch can drink, yo.

Richard: There’s my best chance! To get laid! I mean best girl.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: Could’ve saved it before the middle sentence, maybe.

Theresa: They’re like moths.
Abigal Young the Witch: I wish that lamp was a zapper.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: You need those pearlies cleaned, just lean over here for a second.

Richard: What a lovely outfit! When’s it disappearing?
Lyndsey Price the Witch: How do you know it’s disappearing?
Richard: Because it’s a lovely outfit! And it’s probably lovelier underneath.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: I can’t breathe when I do this.

Richard: So don’t do that?

Lyndsey Price the Witch: If I’m not gonna crush myself, I might as well crush on you.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: This dialogue…

Theresa: Could be worse! He could be monologuing.

That reminds me, I wanted to complain about Windows 10.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: I want you to promise you’ll shoot me if he talks about Windows 10.

Beatriz Young the Witch: I can’t believe fuck dungeon is a bust.

Richard: She seems so sad. We should fuck down there, to cheer her up.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: I’m not gonna fuck to cheer someone up.
Richard: Not even yourself?

Lyndsey: Sure, I’ll fuck myself. But only because you asked nicely.

Richard: I was kinda hoping you wouldn’t be this clever.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Abandon all hope, ye who enter me.

Richard: You think if Noelle became a witch, she’d have to wear the hat on top of her other hat?

Lyndsey Price the Witch: No. I do not think that.

Richard: It’d be the best, though.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Better than sex?
Richard: …no, but, I mean, we could have sex and she could wear a hat-hat. They aren’t mutually exclusive or anything.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Speaking of exclusive, are you and I…
Richard: GOD no.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: THANK god.

Richard: I don’t, typically, but I might start.

That poster boy is yelling “GET A ROOM.”

Beatriz Young the Witch: GET A ROOM

Richard: They think we should get a room.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: I think we’re already in a room.

Richard: We have discovered the flaw in their logic.
Lyndsey Price the Witch: We’re so smart.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: And hot.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: And oddly chaste!

Lyndsey Price the Witch: And slightly evil.

Richard: Only slightly, though, right? I’m not really into evil that much right now, since evil killed my revenue stream.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Are you calling those murdered women a revenue stream?
Richard: …yes. Yes, that is a thing I did. And now I can’t not have done it, because you POINTED IT OUT

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Wanna stream my revenue?
Richard: As long as that’s not a pee thing.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Wanna show me your pee thing?
Richard: As long as you only call it that once.

Beatriz Young the Witch: You kids want some pointers?
Richard: Got all the pointers I need!

Valerie: I have no wordplay to offer.

Abigal Young the Witch: Is he still looking at me?
Neila: I don’t want to look, in case he looks at me.

Are we talking about Jeremy, or me?

Jeremy: Yeah, are we talking about Jeremy, or me?

Theresa: Is that virgin?
Mrs. Crumplebottom: No, virgin blood costs extra.

Beatriz Young the Witch: Singing in public, though…

Richard: Belinda the Malevolent’s hotter than you are.

Beatriz Young the Witch: He’s gone MAD

Beatriz Young the Witch: He’s gone HOME

Lyndsey Price the Witch: He’s just gone.


Lyndsey Price the Witch: That’s right, avert your eyes. Mortals.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Uhhhh put it on my tab?

Lyndsey Price the Witch: By which I mean I’m not paying for that.

Richard: She’s with me, but… explicitly not financially.

Next time: she’s with him, explicitly.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 4 December 2012.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.