The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 430

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates every damn day!

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In which haha wow, this one.

Nerissa: Oh, look, it’s the absentee overlord.

Nerissa: WHY AM I STILL HERE

Nerissa: I’m supposed to be chiefing! Of policing! You can only stop showing up so often when you’re in charge of that many guns!

“Penny”: Shut the fuck up.

“Penny”: I blew another identity.
Nerissa: Maybe you should loop back around to your real one.
“Penny”: That’s for the curtain call.

Nerissa: Does that mean there’s an endgame? I guess that makes sense, since we’re ENTROPY. When’s the heat death of the universe scheduled for?

“Penny”: There will be various deaths at various times, involving various… heats.

Nerissa: Ugh! I hate it when I accidentally look at the popsicles.
“Penny”: You’re gonna hate being one even worse.

Nerissa: What was that? I dramatically-appropriately didn’t hear you.

“Penny”: Let’s spice things up. Let me at them ear sliders.

Cynthia Axeworthy: What do you think? Elf? Romulan? Both?

Cynthia: Definitely both.

Nerissa: I think we need to talk.
Cynthia: This is an incorrect assessment of my needs.

Nerissa: Look, we all appreciate how you’ve been running things, if you can call showing up occasionally, threatening and confusing everybody and then disappearing “running things,” but we all think it’s time that Overlord Punch-Volcano or Fistler or whoever’s running things came out of hiding.

Nerissa: We got you a going-away-permanently gift.
Cynthia: How sweetly ill-advised!

Nerissa: Do you like the break-away box? It took me hours to get it just right.

Cynthia: You should have spent those hours getting yourself just right.

Nerissa: Aw, dang.

Nerissa: Can’t blame a girl for-
Cynthia: You vastly underestimate my capacity for blame.

Cynthia: Hahaha wow, I think I heard one of her ribs shatter.

Nerissa: Are you going to kill me?
Cynthia: No, no, no, no. I kill the bus driver.
Nerissa: Bus driver?
Cynthia: It’s a reference.

Cynthia: Wakey, wakey!

Cynthia: Shake-and-bakey.

Jizelle: Ungh. Ten more years, please!

Penny: .oO(I need to get up! I need to escape! I need to tell the world which name belongs to which son!)

Penny: .oO(While I still remember.)

Jizelle: Look. I know I deserve this. But that chick has a family.
Cynthia: Right? She totally deserves it more.

Cynthia: ‘cuz that family, man. Some fucked-up.

Cynthia: Freeze! In the name of the lawless!

SKRACK

Nerissa: That was my pelvis, if anyone’s wondering.

Nerissa: On careful consideration I’ve decided to defect back to your side.

Cynthia: Oh, wow. You seriously don’t get it yet, do you? My side consists entirely of me.

Cynthia: Get in the bus, ladies.
Jizelle: You’re the man with the gun, lady.

Jizelle: I’m just the superman with the flight.

Jizelle: I don’t need roadtrips where I’m going.

Cynthia: She’s boring anyway. Too much going on, producing too little.

Cynthia: You put too many irons in the fire, some of them are gonna turn out ironic.

Penny: Where’s the pararazzi when you need them?

Nerissa: Don’t forget me!
Cynthia: See if you still feel that way ten seconds from now.

Nerissa: Why? What’s happening ten seconds from now?

And?

Nerissa: …and how many seconds are there between each pict-

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

Cynthia: ’bout five.

Cynthia: You know, give or take.

Nerissa: Okay! Fire, freeze beds… MacGyver would be able to fix this, somehow.

Nerissa: Anyway, as explosions go, that could have been wors-

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

Nerissa: DID I OFFEND THE EXPLOSIONS GOD?!

Nerissa: No! NO! I’M TOO ALIVE TO DIE!

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

Nerissa: OKAY BOOMER

Nerissa: Don’t let those be my last words.

Rodney: I’m thinking this might be the wrong chapter for my triumphant return.

Rodney: IS THIS WHAT FIRE ANT HILLS LOOK LIKE?!

The Grim Reaper: AS LAST WORDS GO, “DON’T LET THOSE BE MY LAST WORDS” IS PRETTY HILARIOUS.

Rodney: This is the SimNation! We export our explosions to OTHER countries!

Rodney: Truly this situation could not become worse!

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

Rodney: That’s not the dramatic irony I was expecting!

♪ The kid! Is hot tonight! ♪

Rodney: I don’t know that I’m gonna last until night.

Nanette: You didn’t have to put on a show just for rotten old me.

Nanette: How hot does fire have to be for GRASS to burn?!

Nanette: It’s even wet grass.
Rodney: I AM ALSO WET AND BURNING

Nanette: Ohhhh, that’s what that smell is.

Rodney: THE PISS IS BURNING INSIDE OF ME

The Grim Reaper: THOSE WERE EVEN BETTER!

Andrea: …mom? This was definitely mom, right?

Stewart: So hey! That house just exploded. Right?

Stewart: Ohhhh. Superhero business! That explains it.

Jizelle: Just let me, ahem, use my freeze breath. Try not to look directly at it.
Andrea: Aren’t you supposed to be French?
Jizelle: AHEMHEM, oui mon cherry! Zat was zjust zee zmoke in-a my longs.

Stewart: I think it’s following me.

Ravi Kosmokos: I’m thinking this might be the wrong chapter for my triumphant introduction.

Aurora: Look out! The fake neighbour houses are super flammable!

Jizelle: EH! ZTUPID LADYPERZON! ZTOP WALKINK INTO ZE FIRE!

Aurora: DON’T YOU KNOW SIMS ARE EVOLVED FROM MOTHS?!

Jizelle: SUCKY BLUE!

Aurora: Can you ask her to stop that? It’s getting a bit much.

Jizelle: EEF JOHN-LUKE PEEKARRRD CAN BE FRANCH, ZO CAN I!

Aurora: k bye

Jizelle: Ziz izn’t goingk on a-my rezu-may.

Jizelle: ZTUPID CHILD! ZTAND AWAY FROM ZE DEATH-MAN!

Jizelle: CLIMB ONTO A-MY LEG-ENDINGKZ!

Ravi: What-
Jizelle: Up, up
Ravi: WHAT?

Jizelle: And AWAAAAAAA-
Ravi: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Jizelle: AAAAYYYYYYYY!

Ravi: DON’T TIGHTEN YOUR GRIP, I’ll TIGHTEN MINE

Jizelle: Oup!

Jizelle: Yeah, I’m just gonna go.

The Grim Reaper: I DON’T WANT THIS

Ravi: I don’t want you to want me.

The Grim Reaper: HMM.
Ravi: What?
The Grim Reaper: TECHNICALLY, YOU FELL TO YOUR DEATH.

The Grim Reaper: AND TECHNICALLY I’M A TECHNICIAN.

Andrew: You know you’re getting old when the explosions stop following you and you start following them.

Andrew: So, funny story.
William: This is definitely the time and place for one.

William: Who the fuck is Rodney Gaither?
Andrew: That lounge lizard from, like, Chapter One.

Andrew: Man, it was so much classier when the chapter numbers were so low you could write them right out as words.

Andrew: Also I guess it’s sad this guy died.

Andrew: But yeah, my funny story! I think my wife was your sister.
William: Ha! That IS a funny story! Because MY WIFE was ALSO my sister.

Andrew: Wait. Say that again.

William: It’s a little disturbing to see that she’s escalated from axes to dynamite…

Andrew: Aw, what? The police chief?
William: Which one?

William: THE HOT ONE?!

William: Why not the ugly dude! The one literally nobody likes?!

William: I MIGHT HAVE WANTED TO FUCK THIS ONE AGAIN

Andrew: I’m sure she appreciates your concern, generally, if not the specifics behind it.

Andrew: I’m surprised the walls are still standing.
William: I’m surprised he’s not using-

OH MY GOD

William: I’m sorry.

OH MY GOD I COULD HAVE USED WALLS DOWN LEGITIMATELY, TO IMPROVE THE VISUALS, FOR A CHANGE

William: I’m so sorry, I didn’t catch myself in time.

William: So if Cecilia was Daisy…
Andrew: And… Daisy was Cecilia…?

William: My little sister’s still kicking! Hard.

William: Okay, listen. I got a hot tip that ENTROPY is operating in SimJapan.
Andrew: What are you pointing at?
William: SimJapan.
Andrew: SimJapan is downtown somewhere?

William: I want you to come with me.
Andrew: No.
William: Hey, hear me out!
Andrew: No.

William: I know we’ve had our differences-
Andrew: And nothing else.
William: -but with your brains, and my-
Andrew: Nothing else.
William: -we’d make an awesome team!

William: Look, the tip might not pan out, but following the rules of storytelling detail conservation, Cecilia probably took your wife to Takemizu Village.
Andrew: It even has “take” in the name!

William: What do you say, partner? Partners?

Andrew: No.

William: Was that just you being funny?
Andrew: No, that’s just me being funny.

William: My stomach is you being…?

William: OH FOR FUCK’S

Andrew: Got your nose! Partner.

Andrew: Check out those famous reflexes!
William: I’m gonna beat you to death with my famous cock.

Andrew: Not if I zap you to death with my famous science!
William: MY COCK IS MORE FAMOUS THAN YOUR SCIENCE

Andrew: Alright, we’ve generated this chapter’s gonzo phrase, let’s get this road on the show.

Nerissa: Bring me back something nice!

Rodney: Bring me back!

Andrew: Just so we’re clear, I still hate you.
William: Good! Make sure nobody but you gets to kill me.

Andrew: I think this might be bigger than a brush-and-pan job.
William: It’s for the forensics team, smartass.
Andrew: Who do you think you’re talking to? I am the forensics team, dumbass.

Stewart: ALL THE ASH I CAN EAT!

Yeah, that’ll show her.

William: Hanging out near explosion sites, huh? No wonder y’all die so often.

William: Now I get why they had eight of you.

William: Ew. I touched it.

Stewart: Explain to me what happened here.
William: Uhhhhh, train crash.

Stewart: Where’s the train, then?
William: EXPLOSIVE train crash.

Stewart: That checks out.

William: I’m so glad you think so.

Stewart: Wait. Where’d the train come from, though?

William: It fell out of an airplane.

Stewart: Why, and how, was there a train inside an airplane?
William: It was a tiny train! Too small for our tracks, so they had to transport it by plane!

Stewart: Why was it a train at all, then?
William: Because of antiquated laws stating that explosives can only be transported via trains ANDREW HELP

Andrew: You’re on your own.
William: Okay, new explanation: fuck off, kid, or I’ll kill you.

William: …surely not.

William: Wow! Jessie! That soon, huh? Sorry about your luck.

William: Let’s write a few more names in here. Andrew! Can you think of any live zombies?

William: If I erase names, what happens?

Probably neighbourhood corruption.

William: Yeesh. We need more of that like we need a mysterious black glitch-wall!

William: Ooh! OOH! The DJ! Fuck that DJ.
Andrew: Is this helping?

William: I’ve been a politician too long. Let me enjoy the illusion of real power for a few more minutes.

William: Wow! There’s even a whole page of gnome expiry dates in here.

William: …hmm. Would I be under “W” or “S”?

William: …hahaha, wait, this is literally the worst idea.

Did you look anyway?

William: Definitely not.

No?

William: Definitely not.

Definitely not?

William: Right.

Andrew: So, you ready to march to our deaths?
William: I mean, I was thinking we’d take a plane.

William: And hopefully it’ll be to other people’s deaths. A bunch of them.

Andrew: To that end, make sure you pack lots of extra tiny explosive trains.
William: Fuck you.

Two straight months, baby!

Next time: no major storyline developments for either main storyline!

Obviously my goal is to surprise you when they actually do come up.

I’ve been very successful at it!

For the past nine years.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 4 December 2012.

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