The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 429

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates every damn day!

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In which substitutions are made.

It’s so nice that these statues have a loving family to stay home with.

Nick: If they made a statue of Uma, I’m just sayin’, I’d fuck it.

Uma: …thanks?

Nick: Damn right!

Nick: Know what’s dumb? Zombies.

Anti-advertising for my next novel!

Nick: Know what’s also dumb? Getting up, and getting dressed.

So dumb.

Nick: But zombies particularly.

Uma: I’m so glad you don’t want me for my brains.

Nick: Yeah, yours especially.

Andrea: You know, this place would make a great fortress.
Neila: Okay.
Andrea: I can think of ten different ways to barricade each room!
Neila: Great.

Nick: The things I can think of ten different ways to do are a lot more fun.

Then how come y’all keep doing the SAME SINGLE WAYS?!

Nick: I said they’re different. I did not say they’re equally fun!

Only the Sharpes would be able to sex with all these family portraits everywhere.

Uma: Yep, they’re pretty gross. Luckily they’re also pretty hot!
Nick: Hell yeah!
Uma: I mean, this one’s ugly as fuck, but he’s got a huge dick.

Nick: And I am a huge dick, too!

Uma: It’s depressing to hear that you realize it.

Michael: Something’s… gonna happen. Here.

That ENTROPY mind control getting to you again?

Michael: I don’t think so? It’s more that you wouldn’t have put all that effort into the house otherwise.


Michael: You lazy fuck.


Nick: He’s in bad company.

Uma: We’ve decided laziness is a lifestyle.


Bradleigh: Or don’t! I’m cool with calling the cops.

Chief: .oO(Woof?)


She’s like TEN.

Eat the rich.

Don’t y’all have school? Or jobs?

Uma: No, we have money.

I wish I had money.

And Abigail.

William Jr.: That thing got a hemi?

Meanwhile, Samantha is a hovercraft.

William Jr.: They wouldn’t give me so much homework if they saw how unworkable my home is.

Samantha: I’m sure there’s somewhere in this house where we won’t be assaulted with nudity, staring faces or evidence of our family’s closet skeletons. We just haven’t found it yet.
Nick: Try the bathrooms.

Uma: Don’t try ours. The maids can’t teleport and we refuse to do their work for them.

Uma: Mouth. MOUUUUUUTH. Man, it is difficult to teach this thing how to speak!

Neila: Are you… talking about… the phonebook?
Uma: I am very drunk.

Neila: But it is very early!
Uma: I prefer to think of it as very late.

Neila: Wow! This is like Facebook, only you can actually find people on it! In it.

Neila: For a given definition of “people.”

Neila: You gonna invite anyone over?
Uma: No, I’m gonna hog the hooch.

Uma: Inviting people over is always a mistake anyway.
William: Tell me about it.

William: That’s right. Only take the shot if I signal you. Bye.

Agatha: Ooh! Can you hook me up?

Leonard: Yeah, I don’t really leave the house anymore.
Neila: Why not?
Leonard: I don’t like to over-analyze things, but you can only die so many times before you start connecting dots.

William: Well anyway, Agatha.
Agatha: Thanks for the ride home!
William: This is my home.
Agatha: Oh, that’s not how it’s supposed to work?

William: Hmm.
Agatha: What?
William: Something hilarious seems to have happened to my standards.

Bradleigh: EAT THE RICH

Chief: .oO(Thinking about it.)

Agatha: Hey, dude.
Bradleigh: Sigh.

William: She’s not my kind of woman.

That’s terrible.

William: Not what I mean! I mean she farts too much.

William: I respect your identity! Just not your farts.

Neila: I dunno, I figured I’d just go through the Murphy list until I found one who wasn’t boring or dead.
Leonard: I’ve been both. Like, a bunch.


Victor: Heyyyyy! Ya jackass.

Victor: Home, sour home.

William: How was your trip?
Victor: Sexy.
William: Nice.

Samantha: Guess I’m no art critic.

William: Guess I am!

Neila: Yeah, our house is basically full of useless slobs now.
Uma: Tell him we smell bad too, and don’t have any booze.

Samantha: Okay, buddy, do you expect me to believe you were just passing by our house ALONE UP A HALF-MILE HILL?!

Neila: My dude alarm went off.
Samantha: You’ve really got your pick, right now.

Neila: I pick this one!
Leonard: I’ve never been picked before!
Neila: I’m sure you’ve been picked on.

Neila: This is Bradleigh. She lives in the trees now or something.

Neila: Apparently that was a long story.

Leonard: Time flies when your life is compressed.

Victor: You’re looking at me weird.
Valerie: You’re looking weird.



Valerie was so scared she… teleported?

Valerie: Time for a change! WOO!

Not that change.

Valerie: Not this change! WOOOO!

Nick: Let’s bury the hatchet, figuratively, before we have to do it literally.

Valerie: Speaking of.

Victor: I’m just saying, you shouldn’t steal my girlfriends.
Nick: I can’t hear you. We need a playground go-between.

Nick: So I ground him up, and we’re eating him now.

William Jr.: It’s true, then. A little cheese makes anything better!

Victor: Open up, Sheba!

William: So, are you pretending to be Vicki, or…
Valerie: I was gonna play it by ear.

Nick: Oh, thank god, it’s Aunt Valerie. I thought we’d missed a lot in that missing scene.

Nick: No, hey, it’s cool to do that right in my face.

Valerie: I thought you might be missing her, and hey, why let a good look go to waste?

Nick: You won’t be able to take that outside. You can’t teleport with shit in your hands.
Uma: So what do we do with the garbage?
Nick: Slowly drown in it, I guess?

William: If I fuck you like this, can Vicki sue?

Neila: I’m just saying you’d look funny with half of Will Jr.’s head!
Nick: Will NOTHING repel you?!

I’ve been reading the Resident Evil novelizations.

Valerie: Here we go.

They’re pretty good, but the best part is how the author tries to rationalize all the ridiculous fucking puzzles.

Valerie: She puts… the PUZZLES… in the BOOK?!
William: That’s…. UUNNNNGH… ridiculous!

William: Wow! I look… wowed!

The second-best part is how every time a new game came out it directly contradicted what the author wrote, and she had to try and make it work.

Kind of like how half the time I can’t remember my own story for the Chronicles, and half of the remaining half of the time, when I can, I intentionally subvert it anyway.

I think this is gonna take a while. I might need to think up multiple random topics to discuss.

William: Tell them about how you’re jobless!

I don’t want to talk about that.

William: Well we don’t want you to talk at all, so it’s a good compromise!

Valerie: My feet look STUPID.

William: They’re not so bad from a distance.

This sex mod is pretty good, with the teensy tiny problem that while it’s installed, your Sims have absolutely zero free will.

Valerie: …does that make it a rape mod?


William: That’s good, because one of my favourite applications of free will is not raping people.

Valerie: That’s the best sex I’ve ever had while talking about rape!

It’s only his face because Captain Sparkles doesn’t have an icon.


Valerie: It’s never nice to say “fixed” in the context of a man’s penis.

William: I dunno, I’d say it’s “fixed” a lot of my problems in life!
Neila: And introduced new, horrific problems for others!

Neila: Feel free to fuck off. My bed.

William: It’s your fault for sleeping at her arm level.


Neila: I dunno, I still think you’ve done worse.

William: You getting off on this, up there?

I might’ve been in 2012.

Right now I’m getting off on how well I’m typing.

William: Christ, that again?!

Considering you only exist when I’m typing…

William: YES! I should probably not be discouraging you.

William: I am very fond of my existence right now.

So, uh…

Nobody wants to know why I had a drawing of William’s dick lying around, huh?

Maybe I’ll tell you anyway.

…there’s a picture of William’s dick in the second book.

Neila: Why not? Everyone reading this version of the story’s already seen it, like, a billion times.

William: Yeah, he gets around alright!

William: Honestly though, at this size he’s basically a public resource. Keeping him in my pants would be like shutting down radio waves.


It’s a toss-up for me whether it’s more effort to decide which of these pics to keep or to keep captioning them all indiscriminately.

William: Yeah, you’re putting so much effort into these captions.

Fine, I’ll start presenting them without comment.

It’s not like there’s anything weird or confusing in any of them.



William: Yeah, it’s a lot all at once, eh?

Neila: If only y’all had your own bedroom.

Valerie: MAN! That’s a deep dive.

Valerie: I think you’re rearranging my organs!


William: Captain Swizzle!

Valerie: That’s a better name.
William: It doesn’t do justice to the Captain’s explosive nature, though.

Valerie: I feel like I’m missing something.

Valerie: But it’s hard to feel that while I’m also getting something.

That’s Neila’s grope chest.

William: Symmetry!

William: Carnal symmetry.

Neila: Fearful symmetry.

Neila: Specifically, I’m afraid you’re gonna be doing that-
William and Valerie: ALL NIGHT LONG

Valerie: SO long.

Valerie: Visible from SPACE long!

Valerie: Vicki doesn’t know what she’s missing.
William: Oh, she knows.

William: All y’all know.

Valerie: Warning: Willy weenie is an addictive substance.

Neila: Ha. Addicktive.

In the bed, too?!

How novel.

It’s not clever, Past Grugly! It’s too on-the-nose to be clever.

Nick: Hey y’all. We’re gonna fuck in your room, since apparently that’s a thing now.

Nick: I fought Victor for you.
Andrea: Who was the victor?
Nick: …I don’t know how to answer that.


Valerie: Making up a new character for yourself isn’t as fun as stealing an established one!

Hence most people’s Sims stories.



Valerie: Anyway, take off. I gotta take a shit.

William Jr.: ♪ Spring was never waiting for us, girl ♪
Samantha: Duuuuuude. Toooooo early.

Nick: So, Valerie’s pretty hot, eh?
William: Please don’t talk about your aunt that way.
Nick: I’m getting at something, though.
William: Please don’t get at your aunt. Especially while she looks like your mom.

William: I’m looking for a non-pervert. Are you a non-pervert?

William Jr.: How does this game work?
Andrea: I smack your hands until you get mad and cry.
William Jr.: Fun!

Samantha: The schoolbroom’s here.

Chief: .oO(SOON.)

Valerie: Technically he’s not cheating on your mom! I’m her sister, so we’re genetically-
Nick: We’ve done this joke.
Valerie: And also we look exactly the-
Nick: Doesn’t work that way.

Nick: And also you are definitely not her sister.

Uma: Everything from “HI UMA” onward.

Nick: Nymph, in thy orisons be all my half-brother’s sins remembered.
Uma: What’s an “orison”?
Valerie: Have fun with that.
Uma: What’s a “nymph”?

Nick: I don’t know who you are, lady, but I’ve got an attraction score for you, so we are not related.
Valerie: You sure it’s not just your Sharpe showing?

Nick: I’m not gonna tell anyone. I just want in on whatever your evil scheme is.
Valerie: As soon as I figure it out myself, I’ll let you know.

Neila: Maybe I should sleep during the daytime, now.

That’s what I do!

Nick: So, “Penny.”
Valerie: Yes?
Nick: Definitely not actually Penny.
Valerie: Get out! Was it the quotation marks that tipped you off?

Nick: You know, it’s sad? Seeing a good serial killer suffer badass decay.
Valerie: Bit heavy on the tropes at the end, here.

Would you rather I relied on musical interludes?

I guess I could also do pointless animal pics. Maybe get some toddlers up in this bitch, too.

Nick: I have a feeling this is the beginning of a wonderful, gross, dangerous, destructive, ultimately multiply fatal friendship!

Valerie: I’m glad we’re not related.

Valerie: For, like, a bunch of reasons.

Valerie: It’s nice to have reasons for things occasionally.

Next time: a new storyline begins!

And then doesn’t resume until Chapter 451.


This chapter depicts gameplay from 4 December 2012.

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