Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates every damn day!
In which substitutions are made.
It’s so nice that these statues have a loving family to stay home with.
Nick: If they made a statue of Uma, I’m just sayin’, I’d fuck it.
Nick: Damn right!
Nick: Know what’s dumb? Zombies.
Anti-advertising for my next novel!
Nick: Know what’s also dumb? Getting up, and getting dressed.
Nick: But zombies particularly.
Uma: I’m so glad you don’t want me for my brains.
Nick: Yeah, yours especially.
Andrea: You know, this place would make a great fortress.
Andrea: I can think of ten different ways to barricade each room!
Nick: The things I can think of ten different ways to do are a lot more fun.
Then how come y’all keep doing the SAME SINGLE WAYS?!
Nick: I said they’re different. I did not say they’re equally fun!
Only the Sharpes would be able to sex with all these family portraits everywhere.
Uma: Yep, they’re pretty gross. Luckily they’re also pretty hot!
Nick: Hell yeah!
Uma: I mean, this one’s ugly as fuck, but he’s got a huge dick.
Nick: And I am a huge dick, too!
Uma: It’s depressing to hear that you realize it.
Michael: Something’s… gonna happen. Here.
That ENTROPY mind control getting to you again?
Michael: I don’t think so? It’s more that you wouldn’t have put all that effort into the house otherwise.
Michael: You lazy fuck.
Nick: He’s in bad company.
Uma: We’ve decided laziness is a lifestyle.
Bradleigh: FEED YOUR FUCKING DOG YOU JERK
Bradleigh: Or don’t! I’m cool with calling the cops.
She’s like TEN.
Eat the rich.
Don’t y’all have school? Or jobs?
Uma: No, we have money.
I wish I had money.
William Jr.: That thing got a hemi?
Meanwhile, Samantha is a hovercraft.
William Jr.: They wouldn’t give me so much homework if they saw how unworkable my home is.
Samantha: I’m sure there’s somewhere in this house where we won’t be assaulted with nudity, staring faces or evidence of our family’s closet skeletons. We just haven’t found it yet.
Nick: Try the bathrooms.
Uma: Don’t try ours. The maids can’t teleport and we refuse to do their work for them.
Uma: Mouth. MOUUUUUUTH. Man, it is difficult to teach this thing how to speak!
Neila: Are you… talking about… the phonebook?
Uma: I am very drunk.
Neila: But it is very early!
Uma: I prefer to think of it as very late.
Neila: Wow! This is like Facebook, only you can actually find people on it! In it.
Neila: For a given definition of “people.”
Neila: You gonna invite anyone over?
Uma: No, I’m gonna hog the hooch.
Uma: Inviting people over is always a mistake anyway.
William: Tell me about it.
William: That’s right. Only take the shot if I signal you. Bye.
William: UH IT WAS MY CHIROPRACTOR
Agatha: Ooh! Can you hook me up?
Leonard: Yeah, I don’t really leave the house anymore.
Neila: Why not?
Leonard: I don’t like to over-analyze things, but you can only die so many times before you start connecting dots.
William: Well anyway, Agatha.
Agatha: Thanks for the ride home!
William: This is my home.
Agatha: Oh, that’s not how it’s supposed to work?
William: Something hilarious seems to have happened to my standards.
Bradleigh: EAT THE RICH
Chief: .oO(Thinking about it.)
Agatha: Hey, dude.
William: She’s not my kind of woman.
William: Not what I mean! I mean she farts too much.
William: I respect your identity! Just not your farts.
Neila: I dunno, I figured I’d just go through the Murphy list until I found one who wasn’t boring or dead.
Leonard: I’ve been both. Like, a bunch.
Victor: Heyyyyy! Ya jackass.
Victor: Home, sour home.
William: How was your trip?
Samantha: Guess I’m no art critic.
William: Guess I am!
Neila: Yeah, our house is basically full of useless slobs now.
Uma: Tell him we smell bad too, and don’t have any booze.
Samantha: Okay, buddy, do you expect me to believe you were just passing by our house ALONE UP A HALF-MILE HILL?!
Neila: My dude alarm went off.
Samantha: You’ve really got your pick, right now.
Neila: I pick this one!
Leonard: I’ve never been picked before!
Neila: I’m sure you’ve been picked on.
Neila: This is Bradleigh. She lives in the trees now or something.
Neila: Apparently that was a long story.
Leonard: Time flies when your life is compressed.
Victor: You’re looking at me weird.
Valerie: You’re looking weird.
Nick: YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Nick: WHATEVER IT WAS
Valerie was so scared she… teleported?
Valerie: Time for a change! WOO!
Not that change.
Valerie: Not this change! WOOOO!
Nick: Let’s bury the hatchet, figuratively, before we have to do it literally.
Valerie: Speaking of.
Victor: I’m just saying, you shouldn’t steal my girlfriends.
Nick: I can’t hear you. We need a playground go-between.
Nick: So I ground him up, and we’re eating him now.
William Jr.: It’s true, then. A little cheese makes anything better!
Victor: Open up, Sheba!
William: So, are you pretending to be Vicki, or…
Valerie: I was gonna play it by ear.
Nick: Oh, thank god, it’s Aunt Valerie. I thought we’d missed a lot in that missing scene.
Nick: No, hey, it’s cool to do that right in my face.
Valerie: I thought you might be missing her, and hey, why let a good look go to waste?
Nick: You won’t be able to take that outside. You can’t teleport with shit in your hands.
Uma: So what do we do with the garbage?
Nick: Slowly drown in it, I guess?
William: If I fuck you like this, can Vicki sue?
Neila: I’m just saying you’d look funny with half of Will Jr.’s head!
Nick: Will NOTHING repel you?!
I’ve been reading the Resident Evil novelizations.
Valerie: Here we go.
They’re pretty good, but the best part is how the author tries to rationalize all the ridiculous fucking puzzles.
Valerie: She puts… the PUZZLES… in the BOOK?!
William: That’s…. UUNNNNGH… ridiculous!
William: Wow! I look… wowed!
The second-best part is how every time a new game came out it directly contradicted what the author wrote, and she had to try and make it work.
Kind of like how half the time I can’t remember my own story for the Chronicles, and half of the remaining half of the time, when I can, I intentionally subvert it anyway.
I think this is gonna take a while. I might need to think up multiple random topics to discuss.
William: Tell them about how you’re jobless!
I don’t want to talk about that.
William: Well we don’t want you to talk at all, so it’s a good compromise!
Valerie: My feet look STUPID.
William: They’re not so bad from a distance.
This sex mod is pretty good, with the teensy tiny problem that while it’s installed, your Sims have absolutely zero free will.
Valerie: …does that make it a rape mod?
William: That’s good, because one of my favourite applications of free will is not raping people.
Valerie: That’s the best sex I’ve ever had while talking about rape!
It’s only his face because Captain Sparkles doesn’t have an icon.
Valerie: It’s never nice to say “fixed” in the context of a man’s penis.
William: I dunno, I’d say it’s “fixed” a lot of my problems in life!
Neila: And introduced new, horrific problems for others!
Neila: Feel free to fuck off. My bed.
William: It’s your fault for sleeping at her arm level.
William: NEW DEPTHS OF DEPRAVITY
Neila: I dunno, I still think you’ve done worse.
William: You getting off on this, up there?
I might’ve been in 2012.
Right now I’m getting off on how well I’m typing.
William: Christ, that again?!
Considering you only exist when I’m typing…
William: YES! I should probably not be discouraging you.
William: I am very fond of my existence right now.
Nobody wants to know why I had a drawing of William’s dick lying around, huh?
Maybe I’ll tell you anyway.
…there’s a picture of William’s dick in the second book.
Neila: Why not? Everyone reading this version of the story’s already seen it, like, a billion times.
William: Yeah, he gets around alright!
William: Honestly though, at this size he’s basically a public resource. Keeping him in my pants would be like shutting down radio waves.
William: CAN’T STOP THE SIGNAL
It’s a toss-up for me whether it’s more effort to decide which of these pics to keep or to keep captioning them all indiscriminately.
William: Yeah, you’re putting so much effort into these captions.
Fine, I’ll start presenting them without comment.
It’s not like there’s anything weird or confusing in any of them.
Valerie: WAS THERE SOMETHING
Valerie: HOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WOW
William: Yeah, it’s a lot all at once, eh?
Neila: If only y’all had your own bedroom.
Valerie: MAN! That’s a deep dive.
Valerie: I think you’re rearranging my organs!
Valerie: OH GOD, HE’S SWIRLING IT
William: Captain Swizzle!
Valerie: That’s a better name.
William: It doesn’t do justice to the Captain’s explosive nature, though.
Valerie: I feel like I’m missing something.
Valerie: But it’s hard to feel that while I’m also getting something.
That’s Neila’s grope chest.
William: Carnal symmetry.
Neila: Fearful symmetry.
Neila: Specifically, I’m afraid you’re gonna be doing that-
William and Valerie: ALL NIGHT LONG
Valerie: SO long.
Valerie: Visible from SPACE long!
Valerie: Vicki doesn’t know what she’s missing.
William: Oh, she knows.
William: All y’all know.
Valerie: Warning: Willy weenie is an addictive substance.
Neila: Ha. Addicktive.
In the bed, too?!
It’s not clever, Past Grugly! It’s too on-the-nose to be clever.
Nick: Hey y’all. We’re gonna fuck in your room, since apparently that’s a thing now.
Nick: I fought Victor for you.
Andrea: Who was the victor?
Nick: …I don’t know how to answer that.
Andrea: EXPLAIN YOURSELF
Valerie: Making up a new character for yourself isn’t as fun as stealing an established one!
Hence most people’s Sims stories.
SICK BURN ON THE STORIES WITH MORE THAN THREE READERS
Valerie: Anyway, take off. I gotta take a shit.
William Jr.: ♪ Spring was never waiting for us, girl ♪
Samantha: Duuuuuude. Toooooo early.
Nick: So, Valerie’s pretty hot, eh?
William: Please don’t talk about your aunt that way.
Nick: I’m getting at something, though.
William: Please don’t get at your aunt. Especially while she looks like your mom.
William: I’m looking for a non-pervert. Are you a non-pervert?
William Jr.: How does this game work?
Andrea: I smack your hands until you get mad and cry.
William Jr.: Fun!
Samantha: The schoolbroom’s here.
Valerie: Technically he’s not cheating on your mom! I’m her sister, so we’re genetically-
Nick: We’ve done this joke.
Valerie: And also we look exactly the-
Nick: Doesn’t work that way.
Nick: And also you are definitely not her sister.
Valerie: HI UMA WHAT DID YOU HEAR
Uma: Everything from “HI UMA” onward.
Nick: Nymph, in thy orisons be all my half-brother’s sins remembered.
Uma: What’s an “orison”?
Valerie: Have fun with that.
Uma: What’s a “nymph”?
Nick: I don’t know who you are, lady, but I’ve got an attraction score for you, so we are not related.
Valerie: You sure it’s not just your Sharpe showing?
Nick: I’m not gonna tell anyone. I just want in on whatever your evil scheme is.
Valerie: As soon as I figure it out myself, I’ll let you know.
Neila: Maybe I should sleep during the daytime, now.
That’s what I do!
Nick: So, “Penny.”
Nick: Definitely not actually Penny.
Valerie: Get out! Was it the quotation marks that tipped you off?
Nick: You know, it’s sad? Seeing a good serial killer suffer badass decay.
Valerie: Bit heavy on the tropes at the end, here.
Would you rather I relied on musical interludes?
I guess I could also do pointless animal pics. Maybe get some toddlers up in this bitch, too.
Nick: I have a feeling this is the beginning of a wonderful, gross, dangerous, destructive, ultimately multiply fatal friendship!
Valerie: I’m glad we’re not related.
Valerie: For, like, a bunch of reasons.
Valerie: It’s nice to have reasons for things occasionally.
Next time: a new storyline begins!
And then doesn’t resume until Chapter 451.
This chapter depicts gameplay from 4 December 2012.