The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 427

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates every damn day!

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In which I stay up late to keep the roll a-rollin’.

Ivy: Why aren’t we starting back home? Sloppy.

Ivy: Why is Harry Potter here?
JJ: Why don’t you get a second joke?
Ivy: Sloppy.

Xavier: How you want your joes?
Ivy: Sloppy.

Xavier: So hey, what kind of drunk are you?

Xavier: Ivy?

Xavier: What are you doing?
Jane: Ploppy.

Xavier: What do you want, weird space lady?
Jane: I’m a secret agent.
Xavier: From Mars?

Jane: We have reason to believe your housemate has been fraternizing with a threat we’ve been tracking.
Xavier: Oh god, she did drugs?

Xavier: Hello, police? I’d like to report my girlfriend BEING HARASSED BY THE SCIA, WHERE DID YOU THINK THIS WAS GOING

Xavier: It’s good carpet, eh?

Xavier: Bed’s pretty good too, though.

Ivy: I’ll try it out next time I’m horizontal, but less suddenly so.

Ivy: Hope you didn’t wait up for me.
Xavier: Time didn’t pass while you were gone, so… I sorta did?

Ivy: That sounds weird. Was it weird?

Ivy: I bet it was weird.

Ivy: I said the word “weird” and thought of you.

Ivy: Also I’m trying to decide which of you to fuck, and which of you to marry.

Ivy: It’s a dead heat.

Can’t wait to see who gets the heat, and who gets dead.

HAHAHAHA

LANCE DANCE

Lance Price the Damned: It was thoughtful of her to leave the killing to me.

Ivy: …and you are…?
Jane: Playing pool.

Lance Price the Damned: Your house has such lovely cresting!
Ivy: Such lovely what?
Lance Price the Damned: Cresting! That white shit.
Ivy: I can see why you went with the first term.

Ivy: What’s so special about it?
Lance Price the Damned: It’s the first thing to go missing in screenshots where the screenshotter’s not paying attention! And it hasn’t yet, which means he is paying attention! Which means shit’s about to go down.
Ivy: I thought you said it was called “cresting,” and it was up.

Lance Price the Damned: She’s clever!
Jane: She’s surveilled.

Lance Price the Damned: Yeah baby, I remember.

Xavier: Man! This wall has nothing upsetting to look at. On it.

Lance Price the Damned: Oops! There goes the cresting.

Ivy: You can’t win ’em all.
Lance Price the Damned: Oh, you’re not a perfectionist, huh? I guess not everyone can give a shit.

Ivy: What’s THAT supposed to mean?
Past Grugly: Yeah! Asshole!

Yeah! Look, Past Grugly put the cresting back up immediately, and you had to go and hurt his feelings like a JERK!

He’s already having a bad year.

Ivy: Oh, man, I just can’t choose.
Lance Price the Damned: I can make it easy for you.

Ivy: Woof, Stewart called him. Stewart calls him! Serious turn-off.

Ivy: Has Stewart ever called you?
Lance Price the Damned: Nope. I laughed at him in a hole once, though.
Ivy: HOT.

Lance Price the Damned: So, am I winning?

Ivy: Looks like, so far.

Lance Price the Damned: Victory dance!

Ivy: STOP TRYING TO INFLUENCE THE JUDGE

Lance Price the Damned: You’re not still considering THAT yutz.
Past Grugly: Aw, hell.
Lance Price the Damned: You’re not still forgetting the cresting!

Ivy: He’s an interesting dude, but he talks too much about architecture.

People say that about me all the time!

The second thing.

Ivy: Xavier’s been good to me.
Lance Price the Damned: I promise to be bad to you!
Xavier: Is this guy another uncle?

Ivy: Yeah, he’s my Uncle Fester.
Lance Price the Damned: It’s Festerer.

Ivy: Fuck off! No characterhood handouts here!

Ivy: I’ve decided to give him a chance.
Lance Price the Damned: I’ve already decided the opposite. About him.

Ivy: Don’t be a sore loser.
Lance Price the Damned: Don’t lose. Got it.

Xavier: I want to thank you for all the protection I haven’t needed so far.
Jane: Don’t get smart. It doesn’t suit you.
Xavier: I don’t trust your suit-sense, frankly.

Ivy: That one’s worth some serious points, my dude.
Xavier: Seven hundred and fifty of them!

Jane: I’m still watching you.
Xavier: Great.
Jane: I mean, who else is gonna?
Lance Price the Damned: Right?

Xavier: Did you hear something?
Ivy: Your underpants ripping, yeah.

Ivy: I think we’ve had all the whatever you are we can handle for one ever, thanks.

Xavier: Where’d the preppie go?
Ivy: You’re right here, silly!

Ivy: Right where you belong.

Ivy: Come on, Xav. Get rough.
Xavier: …even if I wanted to, Ivy…
Ivy: What?

♪ Tip-toe through the tu-lips ♪

Xavier: That.

Ivy: Well either change the station or start fucking ironically.

CLICK

Does she wake up, put on make-up in the bathroom? ♪

Xavier: That was last chapter.

♪ And go to work, and stay real late, and text you she’ll be back soon? ♪

Xavier: I DON’T EVEN THINK SHE HAS A JOB

♪ Bet her boss runs his fingers ’round her pretty blonde, platinum ‘do ♪

♪ I bet you never thought about that, did you? ♪

Xavier: Her ‘do is GREEN, song! Jeez.
Ivy: It’s TEAL.
Xavier: Teal is just girl-words for green.

♪ And it’s none of my business ♪

Xavier: Exactly.

♪ And I don’t wanna get involved ♪

Ivy: I didn’t mean you should talk to the radio.

♪ If you’re thinkin’ that she’s good ♪

Xavier: I’m thinkin’ she’s GREAT!
Ivy: He’s thinkin’ right!

♪ I THINK YOU SHOULD BE TOLD ♪

♪ SHE GOT YOU ON YOUR KNEES LIKE A LITTLE BOY ♪

Xavier: THIS IS ILLEGAL FOR LITTLE BOYS

♪ EVERYBODY SEES THAT YOU’RE JUST A LITTLE TOY ♪

Lance: So little.

♪ SHE’S GOT A BOXFUL, THAT HER DADDY LIKELY BOUGHT ♪

Xavier: Wh-what?

♪ SHE ASKS YOU IF YOU LOVE HER ♪

Ivy: Well?

♪ AND YOU NOD ♪

Ivy: Well?

♪ AND SAY ♪

Xavier: Uh huh.

Lance Price the Damned: That was a good one.

Lance Price the Damned: Now do one about what a bitch Shiloh is.

Lance Price the Damned: Ooh! Got any BJ songs?

I’ve got the original “Hooked On A Feeling” by B.J. Thomas.

Lance Price the Damned: Ooga-chaka, baby.

Xavier: Tell whoever you’re talking to that that’s the Blue Swede version.

Ivy: Blowjobs are where you use it to blow your nose, right?

Ivy: Not right?

Ivy: I was just KIDDING!

Ivy: I don’t mean to rush you, but my affection and my need to pee are not keeping apace of each other.

Ivy: Let’s fuck again.
Xavier: We already fucked once.
Ivy: It didn’t take.

Lance Price the Damned: You guys got a chimney you can pump coloured smoke out of once you’ve made your decision?

Xavier: We need a coffee table.

Xavier: …that’s a heck of a look you’re giving me.
Ivy: A good appraisal is a sober appraisal.

Xavier: I wish you’d understood the virtues of sobriety before you went out today.

Ivy: That’s it, buddy, nag me. Make the decision easier.

Xavier: What decision?
Ivy: The more time we spend talking about it, the easier it gets.

Xavier: I don’t know what criteria you’re judging me by.
Ivy: Ah, the man’s dilemma.

Ivy: I’m also logging grievances you didn’t even realize you were inflicting!

Lance Price the Damned: I’m dreaming up new ones to inflict.

Ivy: Darn! Still not sure. Guess we’ll have to keep on fucking, no matter how much AWESOME FUN IT IS!

Xavier: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but is this really necessary?

Ivy: Perpetually.

Xavier: I don’t know if I have the stamina for perpetuity.

Ivy: Not a good case for marriage, bud.

Lance Price the Damned: Alright, I’ve lost faith in the process.

Lance Price the Damned: Give us a dance while doofus calls the cops, or whatever.

Ivy: Maybe do that.

Lance Price the Damned: I’ve always wanted to be a cop kill-
Xavier: MAY I HAVE THIS DANCE

Xavier: He was gonna say-
Ivy: YEAH I KNOW

Ivy: What are you doing?
Lance Price the Damned: Ploppy.

Ivy: He’s starting to get suspicious.
Lance Price the Damned: You’re definitely imagining that.

Ivy: He’s not as dumb as you think!
Lance Price the Damned: Haha, wow! He’s even dumber?!

Xavier: This second bouquet goes SO WELL with that first bouquet of indeterminate origin whose presence I will not question!

Xavier: OR WILL I

♪ And it’s none of my business ♪

Xavier: Damn right.

♪ And I don’t wanna get involved ♪

Xavier: So DON’T

♪ If you’re thinkin’ that she’s good ♪

Xavier: God, no.

♪ GOD NO ♪

♪ SHE GOT YOU ON YOUR KNEES LIKE – ♪

Xavier: Give it a FUCKING REST.

Xavier: YOU STAY AWAY FROM MY IVY!
Lance: You don’t strike me as a gardener!

Lance: Oh, my heavens, she’s pretty! Oh, my gosh!
Ivy: What…?
Lance: Oh, my LORD! Oh, MÝGES.

Xavier: Do you hear a buzzing sound?

Lance Price the Damned: I wouldn’t recommend looking at this.

Ivy: What’s happening?
Lance Price the Damned: Some of my friends are helping your friend move.

Ivy: Soooooo flies.
Lance Price the Damned: Don’t worry your precious little curves about it.

♪ She wants to party! ♪

♪ She wants to get down! ♪

♪ All she wants to do is ♪

♪ ALL SHE WANTS TO DO IS DANCE ♪

Ivy: AND MAKE ROMANCE

The Grim Reaper: I’VE SEEN THIS BEFORE. YOUR DANCE MOVES WERE TOO SPICY FOR HIM.

Lance Price the Damned: It’s better this way.
Ivy: WHAT FUCK HOW WHAT FUCK WHAT

Ivy: I’m gonna go join that support group.

Ivy: Right after I make out with you.

Ivy: However long that takes.

Ivy: I forget what I was doing.
Lance Price the Damned: You weren’t doing, you were making.
Ivy: What was I making?
Lance Price the Damned: You were making out, instead of making a mistake.

Ivy: OH RIGHT I REMEMBER

Lance Price the Damned: You’re gonna want to get that carpet shampood. Shampooed? Shampoo’d? I need a drink.

Lance Price the Damned: Don’t think of it as downsizing, kid. Think of it as rightsizing.

Ivy: I can’t explain the feeling that comes over me when I look at you!
Lance Price the Damned: I can, but I won’t.

Ivy: Will you be my wife?
Lance Price the Damned: Not when you put it like THAT!

Lance Price the Damned: After what I just did, you want to MARRY me?
Ivy: We fucked, you killed… we missed a step in between!

Lance Price the Damned: I’d break into song if we hadn’t already hit our quota.

Ivy: Uh huh.

Lance Price the Damned: Uh huh.

Xavier: Uh huh.

Ivy: What an engaging young ma-

NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

Ivy: …?

We started this chapter STRONG, and we’re gonna END it strong!

Lance Price the Damned: Grumble mumble gonna end her strong.

Lance Price the Damned: Wow! When I kiss you, only ninety-nine percent of my brain is contemplating acts of horrific violence!

Ivy: I’m sure we can get it down to ninety-eight and a half, given time.

Lance Price the Damned: Time’s not all I’m gonna give you.

Lance Price the Damned: Ivy’s such a good witch name, I might not even change it!

Ivy: That’s it, bud. You’re definitely not changing me.

Ivy: Hey, dad?

Ivy: You got anything for fighting warlocks in your box of toys?

Ivy: Are those happy tears or sad tears?
Alvin: My little girl wants me to fight magic with Science and she wants to know if I’m crying happy tears or sad tears!

Ivy: Don’t feel you need to limit your energies. We can hit him with a combined magic-science assault, I’m not picky.

Alvin: I’ll get the other Scientists in on this.
Ivy: I dunno about telling the Murphies. They might not be about to like me very much.

Alvin: Oh, did you get one killed? I wouldn’t worry about it, there’s an actual government grant now for resurrecting dead Murphies.

Alvin: So yeah, do you want to catch him alive, or what?
Ivy: Can we make that a zero-percent chance?

Alvin: We’re gonna need you to run interference while we work on this.
Ivy: Who’s “we”?
Alvin: Me, the other scientists, and whoever I accidentally blab about it to.

Ivy: On second thought, forget I said anything.
Alvin: I mean, that’s what I usually do, but this sounds important!

Ivy: Nope, nope, I’m good! I was just talking hypotheticals. You know.
Alvin: You’re posing a hypothesis about fighting warlocks?
Ivy: YOU KNOW ME, DAD!
Alvin: Not really!

Ivy: Well I know me, and I’m not worried!
Alvin: There you go, that makes sense.

Ivy: Oh, b-t-w, where would I go to learn about… magic?
Alvin: Fuck yourself, I’d say.

Ivy: What?
Alvin: I’m a Scientist, Ivy. You start doing magic and we’re rapidly escalating to I-have-no-daughter territory.

Ivy: Thanks for your consistent characterization, dad.

Ivy: Alright! Guess we’ll need a home-grown solution. In my dead boyfriend’s home.

Ivy: Man, I miss this morning.

Ivy: When my biggest problem was ugly mirrors and TOO MUCH SECURITY.

Ivy: And a god who watches me SHIT.

That’s not fair.

I watch everyone shit.

Ivy: I specifically really shit the bed, today, though.

Ivy: And I didn’t even get to sleep in it, first.

AAAAAAAAAAAUGH

Get me Chris. She has to take her old job back.

There’s no other way.

Ivy: Oh, would you look at that.

Is it a treasure chest?

A map to a secret location?

Ivy: It’s a rock.

Ivy: Good to have you still with me, Xav.

Next time: …

A whole update of BRANDI?

That can’t be right.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 3 December 2012.

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