Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates every damn day!
In which Past Grugly takes a series of really quite good pics for perhaps the first time ever?
I think there’s a spy amongst you.
You… other spies.
I guess he’s gonna die now.
Since he’ll never get to go inside to dry off.
Cory: And then that happened.
Jane: Bet he wishes our country had a half-decent medical system, huh?
Cory: Too soon, Jane.
Jane: That’s what the senate keeps saying, yeah.
Cory: Ever seen a sideways vagina?
Ally: I’m MAD.
Ally: Fuck you, Laci, and your invisible magazines!
Ally: I’m gonna hold my breath and strike a stupid pose until I get in the title image.
I already picked the title image. You’re not in it.
Ally: That’s racist!
It’s of a different black woman.
Ally: That’s… fair.
Aw, man. If I could only split this chapter in two, I’d use this as the first pic.
Ally: You could still do that.
I can’t, though, because I’ve already established what chapter Chapter 737 is.
Stupid April Fool’s.
In consolation, here’s Allie from Charnel Knowledge.
Ally: My name’s changed.
Ally: My face has changed.
Ally: My team’s changed?
You’re hot, though.
Ally: Yeah, that hasn’t changed.
Ally: Take off, white lady, we’re doing black lady pics only today.
Chris: …I’m black.
Ally: They re-defining terms on me again?
Chris: Maybe a comparitive shot will help.
Jade: Yeah, you’re pretty black next to THIS dude.
Jade: But next to the other dude…
Alvin: Some rando outside told me to be next to you.
Cory: Maybe you’ll see her again! At your funeral.
Alvin: I’m not gonna have a funeral. I’m gonna have them put my ashes in a rocket and fire it into Elon Musk’s house.
Cory: I’m glad you made plans already, I’d hate to have to guess.
Alvin: Pretty nice hideout you’ve got here.
Cory: It’s not a hideout, it’s a home.
Alvin: Secret agents have homes. Double agents have hideouts.
Cory: Supervillians have hideouts. Double agents have safe houses.
Alvin: How safe can it be, though, if I walked right in?
Cory: Meh. If I kill you, someone’ll come looking, and maybe they won’t be an idiot.
Cory: So fuck it.
Alvin: Aww. I was really looking forward to seeing which religions are wrong! My money was on all of them.
Alvin: Go ahead, shoot. I promise not to look all sad and make you feel guilty.
Alvin: You could bury my ashes at sea!
Cory: I’m not going anywhere near a cruise ship right now.
Alvin: What an unscientific approach.
Cory: You don’t think cruise ships are unhealthy right now?
Alvin: I think cruise ships are unhealty all the time.
Cory: Right! All those old people.
Alvin: I still think it’s ridiculous that Umbrella Inc. only had one or two virus labs on cruise ships, instead of, like, all of them.
Alvin: That’s where I’d put my virus labs, anyway.
Cory: Not that you’d ever operate a virus lab.
Alvin: I wouldn’t?
Cory: I’m beginning to wonder if I shouldn’t have asked you to join my secret spy club instead of Laci and Brandi and whatserface.
Cory: Who’s that?
Alvin: What’s your secret spy club do?
Cory: We plan secret birthday parties for William!
Alvin: I’LL NEVER TELL
Alvin: Make sure there’s strippers. The kind you fuck.
Alvin: This place is so roomy, so spacious…
Cory: You’re welcome to stay here whenever I like.
Alvin: How about nex-
Cory: We’re busy.
Alvin: I didn’t even name a day
Cory: Yeah, we’re busy that day.
Alvin: Who’s “we”?
Cory: Me and the house.
Cory: I only let hot chicks live here, dude! For smoochin’.
Alvin: You should check out the mail lady, then! I hear she’s black, like you.
Cory: …you think I should check her out because she’s black, like me?
Alvin: I thought you’d like to meet someone who likes your music and can respect your street cred!
Alvin: That’s black people, right? Or is it metrosexuals?
Alvin: Fuckin’ metrosexuals.
Cory: It’s not at all terrifying that you’re a parent, Alvin.
Alvin: It isn’t? It is to me.
Alvin: THIS HOT CHICK REMINDS ME OF THE WIFE I JUST LOST
Chris: You’ve lost me, too! By virtue of never having had a chance to have me.
Sometimes the RNG works.
Cory: ♪ Take a letter, Maria! ♪
Chris: I’m Chris.
Cory: ♪ Address it to my wife ♪
Chris: Do I know who that is?
Cory: ♪ Say I won’t be comin’ home ♪
Chris: Isn’t this your home?
Cory: ♪ Gonna start a new life! ♪
Chris: In your pajamas?
Cory: I like a chick who can handle a point-by-point rebuttal.
Cory: So, typically I shoot people who trespass in my hideHOUSE…!
Chris: Ooh, this is a hide house? I need a new pair of boots.
Cory: This is the headquarters of a secret organization of secrets.
Chris: That’s a lot of secrets for me to have been able to just waltz the heck right in here.
Cory: That other secret agent let you in.
Chris: THAT was a SECRET AGENT? Wow. I can see why you’d want to keep that under wraps.
Chris: It would be a serious blow to your reputation if people knew Alvin Woodrow was secret agent material.
Chris: The cops would bring you all in on automatic suspicion of accidental treason.
Cory: Fuck you.
Chris: If you play your cards right.
Chris: You looking for a new agent, by any chance?
Cory: Don’t listen to her, she’s just jealous because I can never remember her name.
Chris: I could help you destabilize the world economic system!
Cory: We already did that.
Chris: Install Simnation-favourable dictators across the third world!
Cory: Did that too.
Chris: Compile dossiers on the public?
Chris: I know, I just wanted to complain.
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: I’d pick it up, but I only move stuff magically now.
So pick it up magically?
Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: What, and get my magic all dirty?
Cory: Alright, I have to go to work. Kill some people, steal some shit, you know the deal.
Chris: Yeah, I have a lot of experience with that, as a mail carrier.
Blazej: Did you kidnap the mail lady?
Cory: I think she kidnapped herself.
Chris: Think I’ll use the facilities, make myself a playable.
Chris: Okay! Losing the NPC outfit is a good place to start.
Chris: Let’s see if there’s anything good in the reject pile.
Chris: There isn’t.
Chris: This isn’t bad!
It isn’t good.
Chris: IT’S A PROCESS
Chris: Man! I’ve already got near-playable level genetics!
It’s still a face template.
Chris: I’ve seen “Nip/Tuck,” I know what to do.
Chris: Dress for the job you want, not the job you have!
What’re the glasses for?
Chris: I’m in disguise.
You gonna take them off before you…?
Chris: I like to live dangerously.
That checks out.
Congratulations! You didn’t get your face sucked off.
Chris: I think I’ll celebrate by sucking someone else off with my face!
I dunno, the changes are pretty subtle.
Chris: I further buttonized my nose.
Subtle but FANTASTIC.
Chris: Naaaailed it.
Hey. Hey. Past Grugly.
There’s no texture on those shoulders.
Aw, Past Grugly, you were doing so well.
Chris: Now I think Cory’s hot!
He is hot.
Chris: But now I think it!
Oh no! The townie trap caught someone ATTRACTIVE!
Jill: And radioactive.
Jill: ♪ I’m- ♪
Jill: ♪ RADIOAC- ♪
NO NO NO NO
Jill: But… ♪ I feel it in my bones! ♪
Chris: Speaking of feeling, and bones…
Chris: Please tell me someone here owns some non-dowdy undergarments.
Cory: I know you’re in the trunk, dude.
Jane: Who’re you talkin’ to, hot stuff?
Cory: Who’re you, not stuff?
Alvin: I was hiding in the glove compartment, I’ll have you know.
Alvin: Does this trash can owe someone money?
Alvin: Hi, plain!
Alvin: Wow! You know both halves! Good for you.
Cory: Meanwhile, good for me!
Chris: Good for both of us, hopefully.
Cory: Is this your job interview?
Chris: You’ll find I’m the most experienced applicant.
Cory: Let’s talk about your strengths, and my weaknesses.
Jane: I’m sick of everybody making fun of my name. There’s a literal cop named LITERALLY “TISH” on the Centreborough force.
Alvin: Yeah, but not everybody knows what that’s slang for.
Alvin: I don’t know what that’s slang for.
Jane: It’s slang for shit, Alvin.
Alvin: Get your tishy hand off my hand.
Jane: You wanna fool around?
Alvin: I’m a scientist! I’m incapable of foolery, tom- or otherwise!
Alvin: Also I’m married?
Jane: Your wife was last seen fucking a jackass on a roof.
Alvin: Donkey fetishes aren’t grounds for divorce!
Alvin: I’mma go stake some vampires.
Chris: WE ARE ENGAGING IN EUPHEMISM
Chris: Wow, seriously?
Cory: Yep. The thread count is so high, it makes my bed look like straw.
Cory: You’d look cool with hearts all ’round you.
Chris: Like this?
Cory: Like Chris.
Chris: Like Chris?
Cory: Like, a lot.
Chris: Good, ‘cuz I promised the readers a blowjob earlier on and I’d hate to disappoint both of them.
Cory: There’s more than TWO.
They’re all silent, though.
Cory: They’re probably masturb-
Chris: I stuck my hair in his mouth.
Chris: It’s a sticking-things-in-mouths kind of night!
Cory: Alright, let’s see. There’s a combo lock, a logic puzzle AND a skill-testing question.
Cory: Your skill test comes next.
Chris: I like a man who can take off a bra with only twenty minutes’ work.
Cory: I like a woman with a taken-off bra!
Chris: This is a bit obtrusive for a secret agent.
Cory: Seduction is part of the craft!
Chris: I don’t need to seduce you. You’re already seduced.
Chris: Man, I wish I’d known when you were coming home. I was lying on that bed for like four hours.
Cory: So, you don’t wanna lay on it again?
Chris: I didn’t say that.
Jane: Anybody want some sweet, sweet base-game tits?
Chris: You gonna keep staring at my tits?
Cory: They gonna keep being there?
Cory: Gosh, I hope they are.
Cory: Did you do something to your nose?
Chris: I gave it a job.
Cory: What’s its job?
Chris: Getting your attention.
Cory: Give that nose a promotion.
Chris: You know, dude, you are just about the hottest, most evil-looking dude I’ve seen in this town full of hot, evil dudes!
Cory: I try! Not very hard, but.
Chris: You’re not very hard?
Cory: That is DEFINITELY not what I said.
Chris: I can do puzzles too.
Chris: Is this a good idea?
Cory: Play your cards right, baby, and I might play my cards right!
I wish you guys would do something funny, instead of this.
Or maybe I wish I hadn’t taken so many pictures of this.
Cory: Keep takin’ ’em.
I really can’t.
Cory: KEEP TAKIN’ ‘EM
Chris: Take me.
Chris: I was talking to the well-hung, well-built spy dude.
You don’t know that I’m not-
Chris: Be reasonable.
Chris: No! You, be unreasonable!
Cory: Good, I haven’t got enough blood left above my pelvis for reason.
Chris: Let’s start putting that blood to good use, then.
Cory: Sex and implied violence: my most favouritest combination!
JUST FUCK ALREADY
Cory: Who says we aren’t?
God, what happened to your sheets?
Cory: How are you looking at the SHEETS?!
Chris: It does look weird.
Cory: I believe you. I can’t even see straight.
Cory: …are you even putting it in?
Cory: You’re not!
Chris: I’m a cocktease!
Cory: He doesn’t like being teased.
Cory: I mean, past a point.
Cory: This is super gross.
Cory: I’m gonna have nightmares.
Elle: Loser party! Glad nobody invited me.
Chris: Thanks for indulging us.
I wasn’t indulging you, I was indulging Past Grugly.
Past Grugly: I was very horny! And didn’t have mental problems yet.
I hate you, Past Grugly.
Chris: I love you, present Cory!
Cory: You have infiltrated my heart.
Chris: Now, to plant the explosives!
Venkat Kramer: Check out Aurora Boreawesome over here!
Jane: Cory, be a dear and go kill those losers.
Past Grugly, be a dear and retain these suddenly-obtained picture-taking skills.
Past Grugly: No promises, bad future dude.
Next time: …
This is the bad future.
Next time: taking it all on the dance floor.
This chapter depicts gameplay from 2 December 2012 to 3 December 2012.