The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 425

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates every damn day!

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In which Past Grugly takes a series of really quite good pics for perhaps the first time ever?

I think there’s a spy amongst you.

You… other spies.

I guess he’s gonna die now.

Since he’ll never get to go inside to dry off.

Cory: And then that happened.

Jane: Bet he wishes our country had a half-decent medical system, huh?

Cory: Too soon, Jane.

Jane: That’s what the senate keeps saying, yeah.

Cory: Ever seen a sideways vagina?

Ally: I’m MAD.

About?

Ally: NEWSPAPERS.

Legit!

Ally: Fuck you, Laci, and your invisible magazines!

Ally: I’m gonna hold my breath and strike a stupid pose until I get in the title image.

I already picked the title image. You’re not in it.

Ally: That’s racist!

It’s of a different black woman.

Ally: That’s… fair.

Aw, man. If I could only split this chapter in two, I’d use this as the first pic.

Ally: You could still do that.

I can’t, though, because I’ve already established what chapter Chapter 737 is.

Stupid April Fool’s.

In consolation, here’s Allie from Charnel Knowledge.

Ally: My name’s changed.

A bit.

Ally: My face has changed.

Yep.

Ally: My team’s changed?

You’re hot, though.

Ally: Yeah, that hasn’t changed.

Ally: Take off, white lady, we’re doing black lady pics only today.
Chris: …I’m black.
Ally: They re-defining terms on me again?

Chris: Maybe a comparitive shot will help.

Jade: Yeah, you’re pretty black next to THIS dude.

Jade: But next to the other dude…

Alvin: Some rando outside told me to be next to you.

Cory: Maybe you’ll see her again! At your funeral.

Alvin: I’m not gonna have a funeral. I’m gonna have them put my ashes in a rocket and fire it into Elon Musk’s house.

Cory: I’m glad you made plans already, I’d hate to have to guess.

Alvin: Pretty nice hideout you’ve got here.
Cory: It’s not a hideout, it’s a home.
Alvin: Secret agents have homes. Double agents have hideouts.

Cory: Supervillians have hideouts. Double agents have safe houses.
Alvin: How safe can it be, though, if I walked right in?

Cory: Meh. If I kill you, someone’ll come looking, and maybe they won’t be an idiot.

Cory: So fuck it.

Alvin: Aww. I was really looking forward to seeing which religions are wrong! My money was on all of them.

Alvin: Go ahead, shoot. I promise not to look all sad and make you feel guilty.

Alvin: You could bury my ashes at sea!
Cory: I’m not going anywhere near a cruise ship right now.
Alvin: What an unscientific approach.
Cory: You don’t think cruise ships are unhealthy right now?
Alvin: I think cruise ships are unhealty all the time.

Cory: Right! All those old people.
Alvin: I still think it’s ridiculous that Umbrella Inc. only had one or two virus labs on cruise ships, instead of, like, all of them.

Alvin: That’s where I’d put my virus labs, anyway.
Cory: Not that you’d ever operate a virus lab.
Alvin: I wouldn’t?

Cory: I’m beginning to wonder if I shouldn’t have asked you to join my secret spy club instead of Laci and Brandi and whatserface.
Alvin: Jane!
Cory: Who’s that?

Alvin: What’s your secret spy club do?
Cory: We plan secret birthday parties for William!
Alvin: I’LL NEVER TELL

Alvin: Make sure there’s strippers. The kind you fuck.

Alvin: This place is so roomy, so spacious…
Cory: You’re welcome to stay here whenever I like.

Alvin: How about nex-
Cory: We’re busy.
Alvin: I didn’t even name a day
Cory: Yeah, we’re busy that day.
Alvin: Who’s “we”?
Cory: Me and the house.

Cory: I only let hot chicks live here, dude! For smoochin’.
Alvin: You should check out the mail lady, then! I hear she’s black, like you.

Cory: …you think I should check her out because she’s black, like me?
Alvin: I thought you’d like to meet someone who likes your music and can respect your street cred!

Alvin: That’s black people, right? Or is it metrosexuals?

Alvin: Fuckin’ metrosexuals.

Cory: It’s not at all terrifying that you’re a parent, Alvin.
Alvin: It isn’t? It is to me.

Alvin: THIS HOT CHICK REMINDS ME OF THE WIFE I JUST LOST
Chris: You’ve lost me, too! By virtue of never having had a chance to have me.

Sometimes the RNG works.

Cory: ♪ Take a letter, Maria! ♪
Chris: I’m Chris.
Cory: ♪ Address it to my wife ♪
Chris: Do I know who that is?
Cory: ♪ Say I won’t be comin’ home ♪
Chris: Isn’t this your home?
Cory: ♪ Gonna start a new life! ♪
Chris: In your pajamas?

Cory: I like a chick who can handle a point-by-point rebuttal.

Cory: So, typically I shoot people who trespass in my hideHOUSE…!
Chris: Ooh, this is a hide house? I need a new pair of boots.

Cory: This is the headquarters of a secret organization of secrets.
Chris: That’s a lot of secrets for me to have been able to just waltz the heck right in here.

Cory: That other secret agent let you in.
Chris: THAT was a SECRET AGENT? Wow. I can see why you’d want to keep that under wraps.

Chris: It would be a serious blow to your reputation if people knew Alvin Woodrow was secret agent material.

Chris: The cops would bring you all in on automatic suspicion of accidental treason.

Cory: Fuck you.

Chris: If you play your cards right.

Chris: You looking for a new agent, by any chance?
Jane: No!
Cory: Don’t listen to her, she’s just jealous because I can never remember her name.

Chris: I could help you destabilize the world economic system!
Cory: We already did that.
Chris: Install Simnation-favourable dictators across the third world!
Cory: Did that too.
Chris: Compile dossiers on the public?
Cory: Yup.
Chris: I know, I just wanted to complain.

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: I’d pick it up, but I only move stuff magically now.

So pick it up magically?

Shiloh Newcastle the Witch: What, and get my magic all dirty?

Cory: Alright, I have to go to work. Kill some people, steal some shit, you know the deal.
Chris: Yeah, I have a lot of experience with that, as a mail carrier.

Blazej: Did you kidnap the mail lady?
Cory: I think she kidnapped herself.

Chris: Think I’ll use the facilities, make myself a playable.

Chris: Okay! Losing the NPC outfit is a good place to start.

Chris: Let’s see if there’s anything good in the reject pile.

Chris: There isn’t.

Chris: This isn’t bad!

It isn’t good.

Chris: IT’S A PROCESS

Chris: Man! I’ve already got near-playable level genetics!

It’s still a face template.

Chris: I’ve seen “Nip/Tuck,” I know what to do.

Chris: Dress for the job you want, not the job you have!

What’re the glasses for?

Chris: I’m in disguise.

You gonna take them off before you…?

Chris: I like to live dangerously.

That checks out.

Congratulations! You didn’t get your face sucked off.

Chris: I think I’ll celebrate by sucking someone else off with my face!

I dunno, the changes are pretty subtle.

Chris: I further buttonized my nose.

Subtle but FANTASTIC.

Chris: Naaaailed it.

Hey. Hey. Past Grugly.

There’s no texture on those shoulders.

Past Grugly?

Aw, Past Grugly, you were doing so well.

Chris: Now I think Cory’s hot!

He is hot.

Chris: But now I think it!

Oh no! The townie trap caught someone ATTRACTIVE!

And PROactive!

Jill: And radioactive.

No.

Jill: ♪ I’m- ♪

NO

Jill: ♪ RADIOAC- ♪

NO NO NO NO

Jill: But… ♪ I feel it in my bones! ♪

Chris: Speaking of feeling, and bones…

Chris: Please tell me someone here owns some non-dowdy undergarments.

Cory: I know you’re in the trunk, dude.

Jane: Who’re you talkin’ to, hot stuff?
Cory: Who’re you, not stuff?

Alvin: I was hiding in the glove compartment, I’ll have you know.

Alvin: Does this trash can owe someone money?

Alvin: Hi, plain!
Jane: JANE.
Alvin: Wow! You know both halves! Good for you.

Cory: Meanwhile, good for me!

Chris: Good for both of us, hopefully.

Cory: Is this your job interview?
Chris: You’ll find I’m the most experienced applicant.

Cory: Let’s talk about your strengths, and my weaknesses.

Jane: I’m sick of everybody making fun of my name. There’s a literal cop named LITERALLY “TISH” on the Centreborough force.
Alvin: Yeah, but not everybody knows what that’s slang for.

Alvin: I don’t know what that’s slang for.

Jane: It’s slang for shit, Alvin.
Alvin: Get your tishy hand off my hand.

Jane: You wanna fool around?
Alvin: I’m a scientist! I’m incapable of foolery, tom- or otherwise!

Alvin: Also I’m married?
Jane: Your wife was last seen fucking a jackass on a roof.
Alvin: Donkey fetishes aren’t grounds for divorce!

Alvin: I’mma go stake some vampires.

Chris: WE ARE ENGAGING IN EUPHEMISM

Chris: Wow, seriously?
Cory: Yep. The thread count is so high, it makes my bed look like straw.

Cory: You’d look cool with hearts all ’round you.

Chris: Like this?

Cory: Like Chris.

Chris: Like Chris?
Cory: Like, a lot.

Chris: Good, ‘cuz I promised the readers a blowjob earlier on and I’d hate to disappoint both of them.

Cory: There’s more than TWO.

They’re all silent, though.

Cory: They’re probably masturb-

Chris: I stuck my hair in his mouth.

Thank you.

Chris: It’s a sticking-things-in-mouths kind of night!

Cory: Alright, let’s see. There’s a combo lock, a logic puzzle AND a skill-testing question.

Cory: Your skill test comes next.

Chris: I like a man who can take off a bra with only twenty minutes’ work.

Cory: I like a woman with a taken-off bra!

Chris: This is a bit obtrusive for a secret agent.

Cory: Seduction is part of the craft!
Chris: I don’t need to seduce you. You’re already seduced.

Chris: Man, I wish I’d known when you were coming home. I was lying on that bed for like four hours.

Cory: So, you don’t wanna lay on it again?
Chris: I didn’t say that.

Jane: Anybody want some sweet, sweet base-game tits?

Jane: Anybody?

Chris: You gonna keep staring at my tits?
Cory: They gonna keep being there?

Cory: Gosh, I hope they are.

Cory: Did you do something to your nose?
Chris: I gave it a job.

Cory: What’s its job?
Chris: Getting your attention.

Cory: Give that nose a promotion.

Chris: You know, dude, you are just about the hottest, most evil-looking dude I’ve seen in this town full of hot, evil dudes!

Cory: I try! Not very hard, but.

Chris: You’re not very hard?
Cory: That is DEFINITELY not what I said.

Chris: I can do puzzles too.

Chris: Is this a good idea?

No.

Chris: Good.

Cory: Play your cards right, baby, and I might play my cards right!

I wish you guys would do something funny, instead of this.

Or maybe I wish I hadn’t taken so many pictures of this.

Cory: Keep takin’ ’em.

I really can’t.

Cory: KEEP TAKIN’ ‘EM

Chris: Take me.

Gladly!

Chris: I was talking to the well-hung, well-built spy dude.

You don’t know that I’m not-

Chris: Be reasonable.

Cory: Me?
Chris: No! You, be unreasonable!

Cory: Good, I haven’t got enough blood left above my pelvis for reason.

Chris: Let’s start putting that blood to good use, then.
Cory: Sex and implied violence: my most favouritest combination!

JUST FUCK ALREADY

Cory: Who says we aren’t?

God, what happened to your sheets?

Cory: How are you looking at the SHEETS?!

Chris: It does look weird.

Cory: I believe you. I can’t even see straight.

Cory: …are you even putting it in?

Cory: You’re not!

Chris: I’m a cocktease!

Chris: OOF
Cory: He doesn’t like being teased.

Cory: I mean, past a point.

Cory: This is super gross.

Cory: I’m gonna have nightmares.

Elle: Loser party! Glad nobody invited me.

Chris: Thanks for indulging us.

I wasn’t indulging you, I was indulging Past Grugly.

Past Grugly: I was very horny! And didn’t have mental problems yet.

I hate you, Past Grugly.

Chris: I love you, present Cory!

Cory: You have infiltrated my heart.
Chris: Now, to plant the explosives!
Cory: What?

Chris: Nothin’.

Venkat Kramer: Check out Aurora Boreawesome over here!

Jane: Cory, be a dear and go kill those losers.

Past Grugly, be a dear and retain these suddenly-obtained picture-taking skills.

Past Grugly: No promises, bad future dude.

Next time: …

Yeah.

This is the bad future.

Boo.

Next time: taking it all on the dance floor.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 2 December 2012 to 3 December 2012.

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