The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 424

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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In which I’m almost late again.

Because I was drawing pictures of cheerleaders.

Again.

Ember: Oh, baby, you cast a spell on me.
Alec Prince the Damned: I sure did.
Ember: …no, I mean…
Alec Prince the Damned: I know what you mean. I just want to make sure I get credit for the actual spell I cast on you.

Alec Prince the Damned: I don’t have much to offer, except for limitless power and limitless sex.
Ember: You can keep the power, honestly.

Alec Prince the Damned: You’re almost as good-looking as I think I deserve!

Alec Prince the Damned: Will you be mine?
Ember: Oh? Exclusively?
Alec Prince the Damned: I’ve got a very big penis.
Ember: …still.

Ember: Fuck it, why not? I’ll cheat on you if I get bored.

Alec Prince the Damned: I’ll kill you if you cheat on me.

Ember: I’ll cheat on you if you threaten to kill me.

Alec Prince the Damned: I’ll cheat on me if you threaten to kill you.
Ember: Yeah, I lost the thread too.

Ember: Apparently this took all day?

SNOG

Alec Prince the Damned: Those lips are a work of art.
Ember: Practical art!

Ember: You should see how they perform.

You’re aware he’s magically manipulating you?

Ember: I’m aware he thinks he’s magically manipulating me.

Ember: As a Romance Sim, I have zero problem with skipping the whole “courtship” phase.

The Grim Reaper: WHO? DOESN’T SOUND FAMILIAR, BUT I’ll CHECK.

Alec Prince the Damned: She’s not super memorable.

The Grim Reaper: IS THIS THE ONE? I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW THE SECONDARY CHARACTERS HAD NAMES.

Alec Prince the Damned: I had a want to resurrect you. I did not have a want to keep you resurrected.

Alec Prince the Damned: Specifically it was a want to resurrect you all stinky and rotten.

Alec Prince the Damned: Although now, looking at you, I have to admit that zombiism fixes some of your Maxis problems nicely.

Kea: Right, so… brains?

Alec Prince the Damned: More like pains.

Kea: I didn’t even hear a spell. Am I honestly this stinky?

Kea: ARE YOU BREAKING YOUR DUMB MAGIC RULES

Alec Prince the Damned: Rules are for amateurs.

Alec Prince the Damned: I don’t need a wand, and I don’t need words. I just need malice, and the dirty looks to communicate it!

Kea: YOUR LOOKS ARE SO DIRTY

Alec Prince the Damned: Dirty, yet cleansing.

Alec Prince the Damned: As in ethnic-

WE GET IT.

Alec Prince the Damned: She got it.

The Grim Reaper: SO, SHE WASN’T THE ONE YOU WANTED, I TAKE IT?

Alec Prince the Damned: ♪ Don’t cry ♪

♪ Don’t raise your eye ♪

Alec Prince the Damned: ♪ It’s only Maxis wasteland! ♪

Alec Prince the Damned: Seriously stop crying, it’s boring.

Alec Prince the Damned: It’s boring.

Alec Prince the Damned: So yeah, you’re probably wondering why someone died just now.
Ember: Little bit.
Alec Prince the Damned: Well don’t.

Alec Prince the Damned: Someone crossed me, so I crossed her off.
Ember: How did she cross you?
Alec Prince the Damned: By being ugly.

Alec Prince the Damned: Base-game ugly. Like a Murphy.
Ember: Some of my best lays are Murphies!
Alec Prince the Damned: Well, sorry, but I’m gonna lay them out. I’ve already started!

Ember: Lay them out? Like, to dry? After they got wet?

The “got wet” joke makes itself, so I’m not gonna make it.

Alec Prince the Damned: I am going to murder the Murphies.
Ember: Oh.
Alec Prince the Damned: And everyone like them.
Ember: Oh.
Alec Prince the Damned: And then eat what’s in their fridges.

Alec Prince the Damned: It’s a sex thing.

Ember: Did you say “Let’s do a sex thing?” Don’t say “No,” even if you didn’t.

Ember: Also, did you say who you are?

Ember: Awesome! A new guy!

Ember: Am I also a new girl?

Alec Prince the Damned: I wiped your memory so you wouldn’t remember all the dudes you fucked who fuck better than me.

Alec Prince the Damned: ‘cuz I don’t wanna hear about them.

Alec Prince the Damned: I think my face is stuck like this.

Ember: I feel like an older person trying to look like a new person, which is weird, because I’m so new I don’t even have any “Mystery Sim” memories yet!

Alec Prince the Damned: Man, I could really go for killing Kea a third time.

Alec Prince the Damned: Pink enough?
Ember: Lift my skirt and see!

Alec Prince the Damned: I don’t want to see, so much as feel.

Ember: I may not remember much about sex, but I’m pretty sure my muscles do.

Ember: So, why do I have to make this call?
Alec Prince the Damned: Because you’re calling an evil organization of evil, and I don’t want a visit from the SCIA.

Ember: Hi! We want a visit from the evil organization of evil.

Ember: But not the SCIA! Whatever that is.

Gretchen: For the last time, dude, we are NOT dating.
Shane: You looked at me once! You whore.

Gretchen: I hope someone’s planning a dude genocide.
Shane: Dude! Genocide.

Alec Prince the Damned: Should I kill that dude?
Gretchen: I’ve got dibs.

Gretchen: So, what’s up?
Alec Prince the Damned: You were in Kea’s phone book. Are you ENTROPY?
Gretchen: No, entropy is the measure of disorder in a system. I am Gretchen.

Shane: I’m obtrusive!
Gretchen: DAMMIT SHANE

Gretchen: So, are you Blue Steeling at me for any particular reason, or…?

Alec Prince the Damned: Go away so I can talk to the evil lady.
Shane: She IS an evil lady! She once said “Hi” to me on the street, or maybe to someone beside me, or across the street from me, and then said NO when I asked to put my penis in her!

Shane: I am involuntarily celebrate.
Gretchen: The word is “celibate.”
Shane: Pretty sure girls can’t spell.

Gretchen: Dude, would you just go awa-
Shane: DON’T YOU COME CRAWLING BACK TO ME, HARLOT!

Alec Prince the Damned: I’m feeling less evil by the second.

Gretchen: Maybe you should kill him.
Alec Prince the Damned: I think it would be an act of such natural goodness it would take away my damnation title. And who wants that?

Alec Prince the Damned: It’s like an affirmation every time I open my mouth.

Ember: Wow, really? You’re owed it?!
Shane: Yeah!
Ember: You must be super cool.

Alec Prince the Damned: I want ENTROPY’s help.
Gretchen: With what?
Alec Prince the Damned: I’m killing all the Maxis Sims.
Gretchen: I’m a Maxis Sims.
Alec Prince the Damned: I didn’t say there wouldn’t be sacrifices.

Gretchen: Not sure I want to be your sacrifice, dude.
Alec Prince the Damned: Man, what kind of nihilist are you?

Alec Prince the Damned: What kind of nihilist is she?

The kind that wants to go on nihiling, apparently.

Alec Prince the Damned: I’m gonna learn lots of evil magic and start a killing spree.
Gretchen: Killing sprees are good! We can help you with those.

Gretchen: Are you gonna kill ladies? ‘cuz you strike me as a ladykiller.

Alec Prince the Damned: I have already killed one lady twice!
Gretchen: That still only counts for one.

Alec Prince the Damned: Even if she was normal the first time and a zombie the second time?

Alec Prince the Damned: Alright whatever, go back to sending scary mail to people or whatever you losers do now.
Gretchen: That’s just in the novels. In this setting all we do is lurk in the shadows, and occasionally facilitate a kidnapping or two.

Alec Prince the Damned: Man, I can do my own kidnappings.

Gretchen: Good luck with the genocide thing! I guess.

Ember: Somebody kill this guy.

Alec Prince the Damned: I don’t wanna do it case-by-case. I want it to be a grand gesture! I want it to be a romantic genocide.

Shane: Your vagina wouldn’t let me in.
Alec Prince the Damned: I might make an exception for this schmoe, though.

Alec Prince the Damned: Ya schmoe.

Ember: I nearly killed him.
Alec Prince the Damned: I nearly respect that!

Ember: AT LEAST CALL YOUR SHOTS

Ember: What did THAT one do?
Alec Prince the Damned: Exactly what I wanted it to!

Ember: I feel like you’ve altered my personality, and my hormones, and my memories, and maybe my genitals somehow?
Alec Prince the Damned: I feel like my face is getting worse.

Just to be clear, you didn’t love potion her or anything, right?

Alec Prince the Damned: No. But, I mean, I am supposed to be evil.

Not all evil is funny.

Rape is not funny evil.

Alec Prince the Damned: Thankfully, I get off on people consensually debasing themselves with me.

Ember: I consent!

Ember: I consent all the time.
Alec Prince the Damned: Are your memories coming back?
Ember: No, that dude told me. Apparently I’m famous.

Ember: A famous player!

Ember: Wow! I must have done a lot of kegels.

Alec Prince the Damned: You must have SO MANY MUSCLES in there!
Ember: And ALL OF THEM have MEMORIES!

Alec Prince the Damned: OH MY GOD, WHICH ONE OF US IS MAGIC AGAIN?!

Alec Prince the Damned: Where did you learn to… right, you won’t know.

Ember: I’m just as pleasantly surprised as you are!

Alec Prince the Damned: I can see why my dad liked you.
Ember: Oh god, am I your m-
Alec Prince the Damned: OH GOD NO. Of course not. No.

Ember: I’m a bit put-off by the spectator, to be honest.

Yeah, well, what’re you gonna do about it?

Alec Prince the Damned: Kataskevastís páei.

!

Ember: What did that mean?
Alec Prince the Damned: “Maker go.”

Ember: Make me go!

Alec Prince the Damned: OH GOD I’M COMING ALREADY

Alec Prince the Damned: LIKE TEN TIMES

Alec Prince the Damned: MY BALLS ARE A VACUUM

I think that works really well as an alternative first line for “Bullet with Butterfly Wings.”

Alec Prince the Damned: YOU HAVE MORE JISM IN YOU THAN I DO, NOW

Cory: And for my next trick, I will pull a too-soon out of this bag!

What’s a too-soon?

Oh, man! Too soon!

Have some respect.

Ember: I could kill him in his sleep, but I’ve forgotten why I’d want to.

Alec Prince the Damned: It’s because I’m a murderer.
Ember: Oh! That sounds dangerous, I’ll pass.

Alec Prince the Damned: You’ll pass with fucking colours!

Alec Prince the Damned: I’m surprised she finds me attractive, with this disgusting Maxis skin.

Maybe just be happy with who you are?

Alec Prince the Damned: I am! I am very content with all this self-loathing I have.

Ember: Self-loathers try harder.

Ember: And he was trying pretty hard, if you know what I mean!

I dunno, it was prettttty subtle.

Alec Prince the Damned: Do I wanna fuck a pie?

Alec Prince the Damned: I don’t wanna fuck a pie.

Alec Prince the Damned: Hmm. I hadn’t considered the fact that some of these Maxis skintones are DARK. I don’t wanna be real-world racist.
Amar: Maybe don’t be any kind of racist?
Alec Prince the Damned: Sorry dude, it’s trending!

Amar: Aw. It is.

If you took Viagra, you’re supposed to be calling the doctor by now.

Ember: He didn’t take anything. I’m a natural source of sildenafil.

It feels good being healthy enough to have to look that one up.

Next time: acquiring a spy.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 1 December 2012.

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