Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates every damn day!
In which I’m very drowsy, and it shows.
Oh, good, it’s only the main plot, it’ll be fine.
Milchamah: I was checking to see how not to be evil, and… it’s a lot easier than I thought?
That has been my experience.
Sunny: Yeah, you’re not evil at all.
Milchamah: Seriously, it just says “stop doing evil for a bit.” That’s what it says! “for a bit”! In those words.
Milchamah: I wonder how long “a bit” is in medieval terms.
Milchamah: I wonder if I can get bit by a book.
Milchamah: So what’s your deal.
I HAVE NO DEAL
YOU HAVE NO DEAL
THERE IS NO DEAL
PREPARE TO SQUEAL
Milchamah: That was lazy.
Sunny: Also lazy: painting clowns.
Sunny: There’s got to be more to life than painting clowns! Maybe painting household pets engaged in card games?
Sunny: Is this what too much inside does to you?
From personal experience, I would say yes.
Milchamah: Can you teach me how to defeat Lance Price the Damned?
WHAT? WHY? NO.
Milchamah: Can you fit inside my inventory?
Milchamah: Turns out it can!
Milchamah: Time to intensely not be evil for a bit.
Sunny: I am now an internationally-famed clown painter.
Sunny: I AM NOW AN INTERNATIONALLY-FAMED CLOWN PAINTER!
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Geez. I guess you can’t go abroad, now.
Sunny: Don’t call me a broad.
Sunny: That felt like a good one. Was it a good one?
It was not a good one.
Sunny: TOO MUCH INSIDE
If you’re trying to reverse stagnation, seeking out Murphies is unlikely to help.
Sunny: What about sucking off Murphies?
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: I’ll settle for cleavage!
Sunny: So wait, you’re magic now too?
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: It’s the herpes of our generation!
Sunny: So you caught it by having sex?
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: The causal link isn’t precise, but it’s there.
Kyle: So mom just texted me. She said “Sunny who? I’m busy.” So I don’t think she’s gonna help you escape from your murder man.
Sunny: She’s been busy for fifty years, you’d think I’d have noticed by now.
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Oh yeah baby, kiss my jacket.
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: I’ll assemble the troops.
Sunny: You’re fleeing.
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Work up a strategy.
Sunny: You’re fleeing.
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Flee a bit, maybe.
Sunny: Thanks for your… presence.
Sunny: I want to quit… yes… yes… YES I’M SURE I WORK THERE
Sunny: My job position is CULT LEADER. How do you not know who the LEADER of your CULT is?!
Sunny: …no, I don’t think I ever had a union card.
Vyn: Ooh, it’s a grunge wizard!
Sunny: GET THESE BUBBLES AWAY FROM ME
Sunny: So hiiiii.
Lance Price the Damned: I’m not in the mood for hiiiiii.
Sunny: You having a bad day?
Lance Price the Damned: The people I keep kidnapping keep fucking with me!
Sunny: The nerve.
Lance Price the Damned: I’m gonna melt everyone.
Sunny: I know you will, honey.
Lance Price the Damned: I’m gonna melt everyone and give them awesome wizard names and melt them again.
Lance Price the Damned: And lock ALL the doors!
Sunny: That’s rapidly becoming not a problem.
Milchamah: Wow! How long does that spell take to learn?!
Sunny: Depends on your RNG.
Milchamah: But hey, you can’t be in here! Lance doesn’t want you seeing our secret magic stuff.
Sunny: Lance can suck my dick.
Milchamah: You have a dick?
Milchamah: So why’d you come in here?
Sunny: Looking for Lance.
Milchamah: Is that a euphemism for sex-seeking? It sounds like a euphemism for sex-seeking.
Sunny: You following me?
Milchamah: Looks like.
You found a way to look even more ridiculous.
You look like you just joined the magic mafia.
Lance: Lyndsey stole the Switch! And I think she just stole the BOOK! Pretty sure SHE’s the magic mafia, now.
Sunny: Wow, that’s a lot of green!
Milchamah: Part of me wonders if I’m green on the inside too. Most of me doesn’t want to know.
Sunny: I’d love you help you with your wizard problem, but unless it can be solved with clown paintings…
Lance Price the Damned: Anyway, stop calling me by my Maxis name.
Lance Price the Damned: My Maxis name! My mother was a MAXIS Sim, and she picked my name! Maxis Sims are WEAK.
That’s… I dunno. It sounds racist? Sort of?
Milchamah: Do you think you could smuggle me out of the country?
Sunny: Dang, I wish you’d suggested that before I quit being a cult leader.
So, what do you want me to call you?
Lance Price the Damned: Alec Prince! Alec Prince the Damned.
It’s no Lord Voldemort, I gotta say.
Sunny: I don’t regret my time with Lance. If you reduce all my relationships down to statistics, you can forget all the death and violence.
Milchamah: Is that healthy?
Sunny: Death and violence? Not particularly.
Alec Prince the Damned: I wish I could lose that “the Damned” appellation, but it’s hard-coded.
Alec Prince the Damned: Lance Price got beat by a girl. Twice! Lance Price is dead and Alec Prince killed him!
Milchamah: Did you just hear somebody teleporting?
Sunny: It suddenly strikes me that there’s an electricity-wielding maniac around here and we’re both sitting in a big ol’ pool of water.
Milchamah: He still thinks we’re on his side, though, doesn’t he?
Sunny: I don’t know if what he thinks and what he does even correspond, these days.
Milchamah: It’s funny how two naked people in a hot tub is sexy but one naked person in a hot tub is sad.
Sunny: Thought I heard somebody thumping around up here.
Alec Prince the Damned: Pleased to meet you.
Alec Prince the Damned: Prepare to un-meet me.
Alec Prince the Damned: Magus mutatio! With a bit of concussion trauma thrown in.
Alec Prince the Damned: Keeping that green skin down is sort of a bonus.
Sunny: I got the concussion trauma first. Uh… who are you, again?
Sunny Clark the Mean Witch: …does this come in blue? Blue’s sort of my thing.
Sunny Clark the Mean Witch: I can be a blue witch! THE Blue Witch! And then I can meet another blue witch, and we can walk right out of the story!
Alec Prince the Damned: I’m trying to start my OWN magic thing! Don’t reference other magic things!
I think you’ll find it’s not actually possible to create fantasy without referencing Tolkien in some fashion.
Aw, I just remembered Christopher Tolkien is dead now, and I’m sad.
Alec Prince the Damned: I KILLED HIM
What? That’s not possible, and also it’s not something to joke ab-
Alec Prince the Damned I KILLED CHRISTOPHER TOLKIEN AND I KILLED HIS DAD AND I’LL KILL YOU TOO
Alec Prince the Damned: And all your pets
Sunny Clark the Mean Witch: Do you have pets?
Sunny Clark the Mean Witch: I’d watch ’em.
Sunny Clark the Mean Witch: Thank god I didn’t forget how to teleport and have to become an attic witch.
Sunny Clark the Mean Witch: MILCHAMAH! MY PAINTINGS SUCK, MILCHAMAH!
Milchamah: I bet they do!
Milchamah: So the scary man is hiding, huh?
His sister’s got his magic stick, and he thinks she’s got his magic book, too.
Milchamah: Oh, so the scary man’s a scared man, now, is he?
Milchamah: Man, how come you can wipe every memory except the BURGLAR memory?
Milchamah: It’s like the burglar memory is genetic.
Milchamah: What sorcery is this?!
Milchamah: Are you hacking some secret government database?
Sunny Clark the Mean Witch: What?
Milchamah: I’m a teenager. I don’t understand desktop computers. Only cellphones.
Milchamah: And I’m only calling them “cellphones” in deference to fogeys like you who remember whatever came before cellphones.
Milchamah: Callin’ a girl a fogey is some top-shelf evil.
WATCH THE HAT
Sunny Clark the Mean Witch: To the east!
Milchamah: To neutrality!
Shiloh Newcastle the Mean Witch: …with surprising speed!
Shiloh Newcastle the Mean Witch: THIS BOOK’S NOT A CHAIR
Shiloh Newcastle the Mean Witch: Who reads standing up?! Evil people, that’s who.
Shiloh Newcastle the Mean Witch: So, let’s say I put that scary book in a sack, put some rocks in there with it, and-
It’d be back in your inventory, like, immediately.
Shiloh Newcastle the Mean Witch: Sort of figured as much.
Elle: Hi! I’m an aspiring character!
Shiloh Newcastle the Mean Witch: I wouldn’t recommend it, but good luck to you!
Shiloh Newcastle the Mean Witch: Watch out for them burglars!
Shiloh Newcastle the Mean Witch: They’ll scar you for life.
Elle: Okay! Bye, weirdo!
Shiloh Newcastle the Mean Witch: I’m gonna go see where the upstairs went.
Shiloh Newcastle the Mean Witch: Ooh, it says there’s a GOOD book!
Congratulations, you’ve met a Jehovah’s Witness.
Shiloh Newcastle the Mean Witch: It’s called the “Libribonosunt.” That sounds incredibly stupid.
Shiloh Newcastle the Mean Witch: Ohhh, it’s Latin.
What’s it mean?
Shiloh Newcastle the Mean Witch: “Incredibly stupid.”
Next time: a break from the witchery.
This chapter depicts gameplay from 30 November 2012.