The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 421

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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In which I’m very drowsy, and it shows.

Oh, good, it’s only the main plot, it’ll be fine.

Milchamah: …huh.


Milchamah: I was checking to see how not to be evil, and… it’s a lot easier than I thought?

That has been my experience.

Sunny: Yeah, you’re not evil at all.


Milchamah: Seriously, it just says “stop doing evil for a bit.” That’s what it says! “for a bit”! In those words.

Milchamah: I wonder how long “a bit” is in medieval terms.

Milchamah: I wonder if I can get bit by a book.

Milchamah: So what’s your deal.


Milchamah: That was lazy.

Sunny: Also lazy: painting clowns.

Sunny: There’s got to be more to life than painting clowns! Maybe painting household pets engaged in card games?

Sunny: Is this what too much inside does to you?

From personal experience, I would say yes.

Milchamah: Can you teach me how to defeat Lance Price the Damned?


Milchamah: Can you fit inside my inventory?

Milchamah: Turns out it can!

Milchamah: Time to intensely not be evil for a bit.

Sunny: I am now an internationally-famed clown painter.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Geez. I guess you can’t go abroad, now.

Sunny: Don’t call me a broad.

Sunny: That felt like a good one. Was it a good one?

It was not a good one.


If you’re trying to reverse stagnation, seeking out Murphies is unlikely to help.

Sunny: What about sucking off Murphies?

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: I’ll settle for cleavage!

Sunny: So wait, you’re magic now too?
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: It’s the herpes of our generation!

Sunny: So you caught it by having sex?
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: The causal link isn’t precise, but it’s there.

Kyle: So mom just texted me. She said “Sunny who? I’m busy.” So I don’t think she’s gonna help you escape from your murder man.
Sunny: She’s been busy for fifty years, you’d think I’d have noticed by now.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Oh yeah baby, kiss my jacket.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: I’ll assemble the troops.
Sunny: You’re fleeing.
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Work up a strategy.
Sunny: You’re fleeing.
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Flee a bit, maybe.

Sunny: Thanks for your… presence.

Sunny: I want to quit… yes… yes… YES I’M SURE I WORK THERE

Sunny: My job position is CULT LEADER. How do you not know who the LEADER of your CULT is?!

Sunny: …no, I don’t think I ever had a union card.

Vyn: Ooh, it’s a grunge wizard!


Sunny: So hiiiii.

Lance Price the Damned: I’m not in the mood for hiiiiii.

Sunny: You having a bad day?
Lance Price the Damned: The people I keep kidnapping keep fucking with me!
Sunny: The nerve.

Lance Price the Damned: I’m gonna melt everyone.
Sunny: I know you will, honey.

Lance Price the Damned: I’m gonna melt everyone and give them awesome wizard names and melt them again.

Lance Price the Damned: And lock ALL the doors!

Sunny: That’s rapidly becoming not a problem.

Milchamah: Wow! How long does that spell take to learn?!
Sunny: Depends on your RNG.

Milchamah: But hey, you can’t be in here! Lance doesn’t want you seeing our secret magic stuff.
Sunny: Lance can suck my dick.

Milchamah: You have a dick?
Sunny: Nope.
Milchamah: Niiiice.

Milchamah: So why’d you come in here?
Sunny: Looking for Lance.
Milchamah: Is that a euphemism for sex-seeking? It sounds like a euphemism for sex-seeking.

Sunny: You following me?
Milchamah: Looks like.

Oh, good.

You found a way to look even more ridiculous.

You look like you just joined the magic mafia.

Lance: Lyndsey stole the Switch! And I think she just stole the BOOK! Pretty sure SHE’s the magic mafia, now.

Sunny: Wow, that’s a lot of green!

Milchamah: Part of me wonders if I’m green on the inside too. Most of me doesn’t want to know.

Sunny: I’d love you help you with your wizard problem, but unless it can be solved with clown paintings…

Lance Price the Damned: Anyway, stop calling me by my Maxis name.

Your what?

Lance Price the Damned: My Maxis name! My mother was a MAXIS Sim, and she picked my name! Maxis Sims are WEAK.

That’s… I dunno. It sounds racist? Sort of?

Milchamah: Do you think you could smuggle me out of the country?
Sunny: Dang, I wish you’d suggested that before I quit being a cult leader.

So, what do you want me to call you?

Lance Price the Damned: Alec Prince! Alec Prince the Damned.

It’s no Lord Voldemort, I gotta say.

Sunny: I don’t regret my time with Lance. If you reduce all my relationships down to statistics, you can forget all the death and violence.
Milchamah: Is that healthy?
Sunny: Death and violence? Not particularly.

Alec Prince the Damned: I wish I could lose that “the Damned” appellation, but it’s hard-coded.

Alec Prince the Damned: Lance Price got beat by a girl. Twice! Lance Price is dead and Alec Prince killed him!

Milchamah: Did you just hear somebody teleporting?
Sunny: It suddenly strikes me that there’s an electricity-wielding maniac around here and we’re both sitting in a big ol’ pool of water.

Milchamah: He still thinks we’re on his side, though, doesn’t he?
Sunny: I don’t know if what he thinks and what he does even correspond, these days.

Milchamah: It’s funny how two naked people in a hot tub is sexy but one naked person in a hot tub is sad.


Sunny: Thought I heard somebody thumping around up here.

Alec Prince the Damned: Pleased to meet you.

Alec Prince the Damned: Prepare to un-meet me.

Sunny: …Lance?

Alec Prince the Damned: Magus mutatio! With a bit of concussion trauma thrown in.

Alec Prince the Damned: Keeping that green skin down is sort of a bonus.

Sunny: I got the concussion trauma first. Uh… who are you, again?

Sunny Clark the Mean Witch: …does this come in blue? Blue’s sort of my thing.

Sunny Clark the Mean Witch: I can be a blue witch! THE Blue Witch! And then I can meet another blue witch, and we can walk right out of the story!

Alec Prince the Damned: I’m trying to start my OWN magic thing! Don’t reference other magic things!

I think you’ll find it’s not actually possible to create fantasy without referencing Tolkien in some fashion.

Aw, I just remembered Christopher Tolkien is dead now, and I’m sad.

Alec Prince the Damned: I KILLED HIM

What? That’s not possible, and also it’s not something to joke ab-


Alec Prince the Damned: And all your pets

Sunny Clark the Mean Witch: Do you have pets?


Sunny Clark the Mean Witch: I’d watch ’em.

Sunny Clark the Mean Witch: Thank god I didn’t forget how to teleport and have to become an attic witch.


Milchamah: I bet they do!

Milchamah: So the scary man is hiding, huh?

His sister’s got his magic stick, and he thinks she’s got his magic book, too.

Milchamah: Oh, so the scary man’s a scared man, now, is he?

Milchamah: Man, how come you can wipe every memory except the BURGLAR memory?

Milchamah: It’s like the burglar memory is genetic.

Milchamah: What sorcery is this?!

Milchamah: Are you hacking some secret government database?
Sunny Clark the Mean Witch: What?
Milchamah: I’m a teenager. I don’t understand desktop computers. Only cellphones.

Milchamah: And I’m only calling them “cellphones” in deference to fogeys like you who remember whatever came before cellphones.

Milchamah: Callin’ a girl a fogey is some top-shelf evil.


Sunny Clark the Mean Witch: To the east!

To Morrowind!

Milchamah: To neutrality!

Shiloh Newcastle the Mean Witch: …with surprising speed!

Shiloh Newcastle the Mean Witch: THIS BOOK’S NOT A CHAIR

Shiloh Newcastle the Mean Witch: Who reads standing up?! Evil people, that’s who.

Shiloh Newcastle the Mean Witch: So, let’s say I put that scary book in a sack, put some rocks in there with it, and-

It’d be back in your inventory, like, immediately.

Shiloh Newcastle the Mean Witch: Sort of figured as much.

Elle: Hi! I’m an aspiring character!
Shiloh Newcastle the Mean Witch: I wouldn’t recommend it, but good luck to you!

Shiloh Newcastle the Mean Witch: Watch out for them burglars!

Shiloh Newcastle the Mean Witch: They’ll scar you for life.

Elle: Okay! Bye, weirdo!

Shiloh Newcastle the Mean Witch: I’m gonna go see where the upstairs went.

Shiloh Newcastle the Mean Witch: Ooh, it says there’s a GOOD book!

Congratulations, you’ve met a Jehovah’s Witness.

Shiloh Newcastle the Mean Witch: It’s called the “Libribonosunt.” That sounds incredibly stupid.

Shiloh Newcastle the Mean Witch: Ohhh, it’s Latin.

What’s it mean?

Shiloh Newcastle the Mean Witch: “Incredibly stupid.”

Next time: a break from the witchery.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 30 November 2012.

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