The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 419

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates every damn day!

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In which daily updates are difficult but you SOLDIER ONWARD

Ember: Regretting your decisions, huh?

All the time! But not that one.

No, I don’t regret resolving to update once a day.

I do regret taking so many pictures of nothing, and developing a mental condition that won’t let me let most of them go without comment.

Also I resent Coy.

Coy: Right back atcha!

♪ [Threnody for the Victims of Raccoon City] ♪

Ivy: I love you, floor flowers!

Ember: I wish you’d played that Resident Evil song for me BEFORE I finalized my recital track list.

Lance Price the Damned: There a regret here named Coy?

Lance Price the Damned: Don’t play, Coy.

Lance Price the Damned: Oh, wow! That’s a really emotional tune. What’s it from?
Wren: A video game about zombies.
Lance Price the Damned: Ah, that explains it.

Lance Price the Damned: Zombies are a very emotional subject in this neighbourhood.
Coy: So is chess.

Coy: Can you play a fight theme on that thing?
Lance Price the Damned: Stick with the lament.

Lance Price the Damned: Asthéneia.
Coy: No, you!

Coy: Shit! That should’ve worked!

Lance Price the Damned: Play it, Wren.

Coy: WE AIN’T PLAYIN’ NOW

Wren: WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS?! Besides the obvious reasons.

Lance Price the Damned: I think the obvious reasons are good enough.

Coy: No More Games. No More Bombs. No More Walking. No More Fun. No More Swimming.

Wren: Aw, our swimming was sexy.

Wren: If you cast a love spell on me, I might have missed it in between already always being one hundred percent horny.

Lance Price the Damned: I’ve got an evil witch nickname thought up for you and EVERYTHING.
The Grim Reaper: AN EVIL WITCH NICKNAME FOR EVERYTHING? THAT SOUNDS A BIT EXCESSIVE.

The Grim Reaper: LIKE, “SLEEPTIGHT THE IRREDEEMABLY EVIL PYJAMAS”?

Wren: Is it just me, or is the Grim Reaper developing a personality?
Lance Price the Damned: No, you’re right, you both are.

Wren: Oh, Coy, I’m glad you didn’t live to see the-

WALLS DOWN, YES.

Lance Price the Damned: Yep, that’s a freckled shoulder alright.

Wren: The freckles go all the way under the shirt.

Lance Price the Damned: So does the green.

Wren: If you’re thinking “I have a green penis” is a sexy thing to say, you are incorrect.

Lance Price the Damned: I thought saying anything at all about my penis is sexy. That’s a core principle all men operate by.

Wren: Teehee! Don’t green up my hands.

Lance Price the Damned: Maybe you’d like being green.
Wren: I don’t think so. With pink skin, I have freckles. With green skin, I’d have rot spots.

Wren: I don’t want to look like a simultaneously overripe and underripe banana, you know?

Wren: If I defeat you in a pillow fight you have to give me your power!
Lance Price the Damned: No, I don’t.
Wren: YES YOU DO

Lance Price the Damned: I already plan on GIVING YOU MY POWER anyway.

Wren: I am also planning on that.

Wren: “MY POWER” is a pretty great dick nickname. Dickname. Dicknick.

Lance Price the Damned: Got a vagina nickname?
Wren: She Which Shall Not Be Trimmed.

Lance Price the Damned: Gross.

Lance Price the Damned: But intriguing!

Lance Price the Damned: But gross.

Wren: It was just a joke. Pubic hair isn’t real.

Wren: Secret agents are DUMB.
Lance Price the Damned: THAT’S SO FUNNY YOU’RE MY BEST FRIEND NOW

Lance Price the Damned: Come meet my evil army of evil, they’re nice, you’ll like them.

Lance Price the Damned: Hold on tight to my stick, baby!

Ember: …I definitely missed something, right?

Long concert?

Ember: No, long afterconcert. You know me.

Ember: Lots of… dicking…

Ember: …you look like you’ve had a hard day, Coy. Drink?


Wren: That’s a lot of darkness.
Lance Price the Damned: Yep yep.

Lance Price the Damned: I’ll spare you the metaphors about light being weak and such.
Wren: I do appreciate it.

Eilean the Mean: That you, boss?
Lance Price the Damned: I’m your BROTHER, Ly- …Eilean. You don’t have to call me boss! You can call me MASTER.

Wren: Masterbrother.
Lance Price the Damned: No, that sounds-
Wren: I know how it sounds.

Wren: Whatcha makin’?
Lance Price the Damned: Makin’ stuff.

Wren: Does he mean he’s makin’ stuff, or he’s makin’ makin’ stuff?
Eilean the Mean: I don’t speak dumb.

Eilean the Mean: Don’t look now, but somebody drew a bunch of dots on you.

Wren: Okay! I won’t look!

Wren: So hey, where in the world are we? Carmen Sandiego?
Eilean the Mean: Niiiice.

Wren: Seriously though, where the fuck.

Wren: Just between you and me, dude killed my BF and cast a “don’t worry about it” spell on me.

Eilean the Mean: “BF”? You deserved what happened.

Wren: …whooooah. I think it’s wearing off. It’s hard to make a Romance Sim have feelings they don’t want.

Wren: Have you considered that you might be under mind control?
Eilean the Mean: I have, but the mind control assures me I’m not.

Eilean the Mean: I miss all my old friends back in wherever I lived.
Wren: Like who?
Eilean the Mean: I don’t know. I said “wherever I lived” because I am literally missing all that information.

Wren: Honestly I don’t think I’d miss mine if I missed them.

Wren: You only need, like, one or two friends, tops.

And walls up.

Wren: And walls up, yeah.

Oh, WOW, Past Grugly.

You think it’s the ANGLE OF THE SHOT that needs to be fixed?

You FUCKING NEANDERTHAL.

Eilean the Mean: I don’t like it when he starts arguing with himself. It makes me fear for existence.

ARE THE WALLS DOWN AGAIN

I THINK THE WALLS ARE DOWN AGAIN

AGAIN WITH THE ANGLE CHANGE!!!

Wren: Whoah, bold text, it’s getting serious. We need to distract him. Wanna make out or something?
Eilean the Mean: Something. Definitely something.

Wren: Maybe if we just hold out for a while, the SCIA will come rescue us!
Eilean the Mean: What’s “SCIA” stand for?
Wren: Uh… I dunno.

Wren: But the SCIA “stand for” truth, justice, and… no, actually they stand for lies and control, but they do shoot bad guys.

Wren: Except when they’re the bad guys.
Eilean the Mean: Is that often?
Wren: Yeah, it’s often.

Lance Price the Damned: You still evil over there, Eilean?
Eilean the Mean: MWAHAHAHAHA!
Lance Price the Damned: Outstanding.

Eilean the Mean: It was nice meeting you, Wren.
Lance Price the Damned: It’ll be nice meating you, Wren!

Lance Price the Damned: By which I mean I am going to put my meat inside of you.

Wren: About that. Can we talk about-
Lance Price the Damned: MAGUS MUTATIO.

Lance Price the Damned: …is a neutral spell apparently.

Wren: How come you’re still damned but not still green?
Lance Price the Damned: They’re two separate judgements on my soul.
Wren: Oh! Neat.

Wren: So, I’m magic now.

Wren: I guess that’s cool.

Lance Price the Damned: Arise, Shrike!
Shrike: What?
Lance Price the Damned: It’s a scary bird.
Shrike: RHHHEEEEEEEEE!

Shrike: That was my scary bird sound.
Lance Price the Damned: It actually did scare me, a little.

Shrike: Why so pissy?
Lance Price the Damned: I’m just picturing how stupid my eyeshadow looks without the green skin.
Shrike: You don’t need to picture it, I was about to describe it to you.

Shrike: It looks like you’re cosplaying as a raccoon cosplaying as Liberace.
Lance Price the Damned: Okay what the FUCK.

Wren Fox-Murphy the Mean Witch: The fuck YOU, that’s what the fuck!

Lance Price the Damned: I knew those spells didn’t land correctly.

Eilean the Mean: OH NO! SIDE-CHOOSING TIME!

Eilean the Mean: Wait, why am I worried? I’ll just pick the winner’s side. Duh.

Eilean the Mean: Get ’em! Beat ’em up! I believe in you!
Lance Price the Damned: Which of us are you talking to?
Eilean the Mean: Yeah!

Eilean the Mean: Oh, hey, there’s an index. Anything in here on amnesia? Or did they forget.

Lyndsey Price the Mean Witch: Turns out there was!

Was it a poem.

Lyndsey Price the Mean Witch: Of course it was a poem. Everything’s a poem in there.

Lyndsey Price the Mean Witch: It was all like: “Picture this: a mental shelf / With books of thought / To know thyself / Absorb the lot.”

Pretty lame.

Lyndsey Price the Mean Witch: I think there might not be another word that rhymes with “self,” though, so there’s that.

Lyndsey Price the Mean Witch: Man, this Mean Witchiness is like a bad cough.

Wren Fox-Murphy the Mean Witch: FUCK YOUR FACE
Lance Price the Damned: FUCK YOUR FACE

Wren Fox-Murphy the Mean Witch: FUCK YOURS FIRST

Lance Price the Damned: FUCK YOURS FIRST FIRST

Lyndsey Price the Mean Witch: I can’t wait to see whose faces get fucked, and in which order.

Lance Price the Damned: THERE IS NO ORDER
Wren Fox-Murphy the Mean Witch: Oh, for fuck’s-
Lance Price the Damned: ONLY CHAOS
Wren Fox-Murphy the Mean Witch: ENOUGH WITH YOUR SCHTICK

Lance Price the Damned: WHAT’S THE POINT IN HAVING A SCHTICK IF YOU’RE NOT GONNA HIT PEOPLE WITH IT?!

Whatcha makin’?

Lyndsey Price the Mean Witch: Bees.

…what?

Lance Price the Damned: Shouldn’tve tried me, beanpole!

Wren Fox-Murphy the Mean Witch: Yeah, well YOU shouldn’t’ve turned AROUND.

Lyndsey Price the Mean Witch: ♪ Der Hexenemeister’s in town! ♪

Lance Price the Damned: Maybe I’ll scrape those freckles off and give them to the next chick. Ilek-

Lyndsey Price the Mean Witch: MELLIFERA ATTACKUM!

bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Lyndsey Price the Mean Witch: BEES IN YOUR FACE, BITCH!

Lance Price the Damned: OH THE NICHOLAS CAGE REFERENCES
Wren Fox-Murphy the Mean Witch: Are they in your eyes?
Lance Price the Damned: THEY’RE IN MY EYES

Lance Price the Damned: I’m not gonna overact or anything, but it’s pretty bad.

Lance Price the Damned: And I don’t see how it helps you?

Lance Price the Damned: BUT IT’S STILL PRETTY BAD

Lance Price the Damned: COME ON, EILEAN!

Lance Price the Damned: MAGI- AAAAUGH MAGIVES- OW MAGIVESTIUM MAGIVESTIUM MAGIFUCKINGVESTIUM!

Lance Price the Damned: OH NO THE BEES ARE COMING WITH

Wren Fox-Murphy the Mean Witch: Thanks for the save, Eilean.
Lyndsey Price the Mean Witch: Don’t fucking call me that.

Wren Fox-Murphy the Mean Witch: So, do we take this? We take this, right?
Lyndsey Price the Mean Witch: I thought I already HAD it.

Wren Fox-Murphy the Mean Witch: So! Team Mean Witch, checking out!
Lyndsey Price the Mean Witch: AND leaving!

Lyndsey Price the Mean Witch: Tell me you know how to fly that thing.
Wren Fox-Murphy the Mean Witch: I won’t let you make a liar out of me.

Lyndsey Price the Mean Witch: I won’t let you make a flier out of me.

Wren Fox-Murphy the Mean Witch: OH GOD GRAB IT

Lyndsey Price the Mean Witch: I THINK IT’S GRABBING ME


Lyndsey Price the Mean Witch: WE’RE NEVER TALKING ABOUT THAT

Wren Fox-Murphy the Mean Witch: Oh, wow! You punked his books?!
Lyndsey Price the Mean Witch: What can I say? I’m a punk.

Wren Fox-Murphy the Mean Witch: …I can’t read this.
Lyndsey Price the Mean Witch: Oh, you’re illiterate? Are all Romance Sims? That makes sense.

Wren Fox-Murphy the Mean Witch: I’m not illiterate, this is just all gibberWHATTHEFUCK

Wren Fox-Murphy the Mean Witch: I’ve never encountered such a disagreeable book!

Wren Fox-Murphy the Mean Witch: Does this mean I’m not a real witch?
Lyndsey Price the Mean Witch: Probably!
Wren: Good.

Bad.

Lyndsey Price the Mean Witch: We’re still not talking about that.

Ember: So this is the year I get demoted to secondary cast, huh.

Lyndsey Price the Mean Witch: Did you see those pics before the crash? Don’t touch that.

Wren: I refuse to remember non-canonical things.
Lyndsey Price the Mean Witch: But look at your NAME! YOU ARE CLEARLY NOT A WITCH, BITCH!

Wren: You’re ruining my immersion with this fourth-wall nonsense.

Lyndsey Price the Mean Witch: Well hey, you enjoy having your immersion and only one hand.

Wren: I HAVE REGRETS IN EVERY TIMELINE

Wren: “Take a look,” he said. “It’s in a book,” he said.

Lyndsey Price the Mean Witch: A reading painbow.

Wren: Haha! I was gonna say exactly that.

Wren: But then you FUCKING stole it.

Wren: So, you gonna stick with the whole magic thing?
Lyndsey Price the Witch: Yeah, but I’m gonna scale back on the whole “fire from the hands” aspect.

Ember: Oh, Coy. We’ll always remember whoever you were.

Ember: Whew! THAT’S two seconds I’ll never get back. Is that you, Wren?
Wren: Hey mom.
Ember: Where were you?
Wren: It’s a shaggy dog story.

Coy: Act your old age. Relax – this won’t hurt.

Wren: Anybody know a good plumbing spell?

OH MY GOD

AGAIN

Past Grugly: I noticed the tiny black triangle in the corner and decide to make it LARGER! For reasons.

Wren: So I was briefly a witch today.
Ember: I fucked a concert hall.
Wren: You win.

Wren: Or you WOULD, except there were also ALIENS and ROBOT NINJAS and-
Ember: WAIT’LL I HAVE TWO EAR-PLUGGING FINGERS HANDY PLEASE

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Heheheh. “Handy.”

Hey, that looks awesome!

Lyndsey Price the Witch: So it wasn’t a wasted chapter, then.

There was plot development!

Lyndsey Price the Witch: There was plot undevelopment!

It still looks awesome.

You can tell it’s a fictional setting because newspapers have value to people.

Oh, you’re here to drop something OFF!

Ivy: Value was provided to me, and I am returning the favour!

That’s ALSO how you can tell it’s a fictional setting.

…never mind.

I guess it’s better than the usual expensive shit I just sell…

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Okay. “Protective Wards.” Yes. “So You Want To Stop Unexpected Warlock Visitations.” YES.

Wren: I may not have a plumbing spell, but at least I have a plumbing wand.

Lil’ butt.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Butt out.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Is he gone? I can’t see.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: MWAHAHAHO GOD DAMMIT

Wren: I thought you weren’t a mean witch anymore?
Lyndsey Price the Witch: Yes, the captions have misled me also.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: I don’t feel mean.

Past Grugly: LOOK

!

Past Grugly: I FIXED THE CEILING

!!!

Past Grugly: I SAW AND CORRECTED AN ERROR

It’s a miracle!

Past Grugly: AND THEN FUCKED WITH THE ANGLE AGAIN

It’s a start.

Wren: Did you learn a spell to make our covers hover?

Lyndsey Price the Witch: I was up half the night thinking “Cover hover, that’s funny.” So thanks.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: Also hating you for getting a nickname like “Shrike” when I got “Eilean the” fucking “MEAN.”

Wren: Your problems are not mine.

Lyndsey Price the Witch: I’m sure there’s a spell for that.

Ember: Oh, you’ve come crawling back to me, huh?

No, I’m just checking in on you before we end.

Ember: OH GOD DAMMIT

Ember: At least let me do a cliffhanger.

Yeah, go for it.

Ember: Wanna come over, mystery person? …no, that’s just what we’re calling you right now, the chapter’s ending and we need a cliffhanger.

Ember: …they said no.

Oh. Okay. Who was it, then?

Ember: THE MYSTERY LIVES ON

Makeover time!

I only partially like it.

Cory: I completely like it!
Ember: Mystery person! You came!
Cory: Oh, wow! You can tell?!

Ember: Hahaha, nice.

…that turned out really well, I enjoyed that chapter.

I should leave everything to the last possible second!

Oh, wait, I already do.

Next time: a trippy one.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 28 November 2012.

Because apparently 9 September 2012 was one extended goodbye to the game?

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