The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 417

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates every damn day!

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In which mobility is upward.

Stewart: So hey, Penny’s not as cool as I was led to believe.

Nathaniel: He thinks that was Penny.
Angelica: Even Nathaniel’s not that stupid.
Nathaniel: Right?

Nathaniel: OH NO I’M POINTING AN ERECTION AT MY SISTER
Lance Price the Damned: What did I just beam in on?

Lance Price the Damned: Wow, she did an evil job on this! I am very turned on.

Emerson: Please help us, mister!
Lance Price the Damned: With what? I think your potential has been fully realized.

Angelica: Please! I need to get these voluptuous curves to university!

Lance Price the Damned: But this way I know exactly where to find them!

Stewart: Where’s your sense of civic responsibility?!
Angelica: He thinks evil warlocks have a sense of civic responsibility.
Nathaniel: Even Nathaniel’s not that stupid.

Lance Price the Damned: Happy basting.

Stewart: Thank god she let me keep my diversion.

♪ I had a dream last night I was pilotin’ a plane ♪

♪ And all the passengers were drunk and insane ♪

♪ We crash-landed in the Louisiana swamp ♪

Franklin: The smell checks out.

♪ Shot up a horde of zombies ♪

Mallory: I resent the implication!

♪ But I come out on top! ♪

Angelica: I HAVE THE HIGH UNDERGROUND

♪ What’s it all about? ♪

I honestly can’t tell at this point.

Emerson: ♪ Guess it just affects my mood ♪

Mallory: ♪ Sittin’ in the dirt, feelin’ kind of hurt ♪

Lance Price the Damned: ♪ But all I hear is doom and gloom ♪ and snippers.

Andrew: ♪ And… all… is… darkness… in… my… room… ♪

♪ Still, at-

Amin: ♪ WALL ♪

– your face I see ♪

Franklin: ♪ Baby take a chance! Baby won’t you dan-
Amin: FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS

Franklin: Your line starts with –
Amin: MY LINE ENDS HERE

Amin: I HAVE TO PISS AND I WANT TO DO IT ON A BUSH LIKE A FUCKING BIGFOOT

Amin: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Amin: …aaaa?

Amin: CALL ME BIGFIST FROM NOW ON!

Amin: No, wait! Bigfists!

Amin: So anyway yeah, check it out.

Nathaniel: Thank god, we won’t have to eat Wendell.
Stewart: You sure that’s not Dirk?
Nathaniel: I didn’t want to learn which was which.
Stewart: In case you needed to eat them.
Nathaniel: In case I needed to eat them.

Angelica: Bethany, get a running start. The rest of us are too old, tired and fat to make that climb.

Amin: It’s too steep, but that’s not really the point, is it? You don’t need to reach the lawn, you need to reach-
Angelica: SPACE

Angelica: CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW

Amin: CAN YOU HEAR ME OWWWWWWWWWWWW

Stewart: So, did you call the cops, or what?

Angelica: They’d just stand at the top of the hole and lecture us for not having a burglar. I called Nick. He wasn’t home.
Stewart: Oh, for want of a Nick.
Angelica: If he does show up, though, I don’t want him to see our dirty dishes.

WEDNESDAY: DIRTY DISHES?! WHERE?!?!

Angelica: Anybody else got a phone?
Stewart: I do.
Angelica: Hmm. But does anybody like you enough to want to help?

Stewart: I can only think of one person, and I wish I couldn’t.

Stewart: Hey! Yeah, it’s me. I’m in kind of a… hole.

Stewart: Yeah, like, most of us are down here. Naked.

Stewart: It’s not great.
Muse: .oO(Au contraire!)

Muse: .oO(I’d go get a rope if you hadn’t declawed me.)

You wouldn’t be able to hold the rope, with their weight, even with claws.

Muse: .oO(I mean I don’t care enough about them to help. Because they declawed me.)

Lance Price the Damned: Oh, shit! Me without my duelling cape.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: I hear there’s some Murphies in a pit.
Lance Price the Damned: Sounds like a good start.

Stewart: Margaret YOU CHEATING BITahem. Margaret? Are you A CHEATING BITahem. Are you out there?

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Somebody call for a cheating bitch?

Mallory: Okay, time’s up. Hold out your juiciest limb, Bethany.
Stewart: NO MALLORY DON’T

Stewart: Bad touch!
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: More like Infallibly Good touch!

Nathaniel: Dammit, Amin, we gave you that bowl for a reason.

Stewart: Maggie! Baby!
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: If I’m the baby, why do you smell like you shit yourself?

Nathaniel: Sure, don’t take the cannibals first.

Stewart: She owes me.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Would it help if I said your father dumped me?
Stewart: It wouldn’t help me like you again, but it would help me laugh!

Mallory: Remember: “women” comes first in “women and children first.”

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Let’s go, women and children.

Franklin: I’m not a child.
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Have it your way, miss.

Muse: .oO(PRIORITIES)

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Who put you guys down here, anyway?
Amin: Nobody. It’s a renovation party gone terribly wrong.

Amin: Can you direct me to the nearest large game animal?

Franklin: Where’s Andrew, and why does his face apparently look so weird?

Stewart: Man, there’s nothing in here worth publishing a paper about.

Clearly I agree.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: I’m worried about these kids.

They’ll bounce back.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: I mean because their parents are such dorks.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Alright kiddo, you’re safe now.
Bethany: Wow, really? This is a REPLICA of my bedroom, then, OUTSIDE of Sharpesvale?!

Bethany: Or are you a FUCKING LIAR

Bethany: Infallible but not INFIBBABLE, huh?!

Bethany: Alright, fuck off.

♪ Lost all that treasure in an overseas war ♪

Bethany: Christ, this again?

♪ It just goes to show, you don’t get what you pay for ♪

♪ Bowin’ to the rich ♪

Bethany: As you should.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: ♪ And worryin’ ’bout the poor ♪
Nathaniel: We’re just temporarily-embarassed rich.

Franklin: ♪ Put my feet up on the couch and lock all the WALLS DOWN ♪

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: They are, aren’t they? Wallius Upus.

WEDNESDAY: Where were you, these past nine years?

Franklin: OHMYGOD

Wendell? There is no god.

♪ Frackin’ deep for oil, but there’s nothin’ in the pump ♪

Nathaniel: Don’t talk shit about my pump. It’s plenty oily.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: ♪ There’s kids all pickin’ at the garbage dump ♪
Nathaniel: Well we can’t eat WALL

Franklin: ♪ I’m runnin’ out of water, so I’d better prime the pump ♪ or the next person can fucking do it…

Mallory: ♪ I don’t try to stay sober, but I end up drunk ♪

Mallory: And make poor decisions.
Stewart: Hey baby.

Nathaniel: ♪ We’ll be eatin’ dirt, livin’ on the side of the road ♪
Angelica: ♪ There’s some food for thought. ♪

Angelica: ♪ Kind of make your head explode! ♪

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Can you tell me where this goes before I get in trouble for touching it?

Angelica: We should be calling the cops.

Yes.

Angelica: And the SCIA.

Yes.

Angelica: Boo, us.

Emerson: …what? This isn’t concrete.

Emerson: Oh no! They’ve moved us to a replica of our house, outside of Sharpesvale! What a nightmare!

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: So that’s what all the poop smells like, huh.

“Penny”: Oh, what the all-the-poop is this.

“Penny”: Guess I’ll just keep movin’ on.

“Penny”: I wonder if there’s some way to keep my promotion.

Emerson: ♪ AND ALLLLLL I HEAAAAAAAAR IS DOOOOOOOM AND GLOOOOM ♪

Amin: ♪ All is naked, in every room ♪

I’m fine with it.

Angelica: Locking us in the basement is one thing, but not feeding the cat? That’s TERRIBLE.

Mallory: I THINK SOMEONE ATE ANDREW

Angelica: That’s even worse than not feeding the cat!

Nathaniel: Man, we made it! It feels good to be alive.
Stewart: A little too good, apparently, Perky!

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: What? You thought I was gonna touch that filthy diaper? Get real.

Personally I’d have a fit making someone else’s bed, so I get you.

Franklin: Weird.
Mallory: What?
Franklin: All the fridges should be connected, but I can’t access the upstairs stock from downstairs.
Mallory: OH MY GOD, UPSTAIRS FRIDGE IS PEOPLE

Mallory: Don’t wanna don’t wanna don’t wanna don’t wanna…

Mallory: WHAT THE COLD SHIT

Mallory: Good news, Angie! Your dad’s only mostly dead.

Andrew: don’t shatter don’t shatter

Thank god, his dick’s okay.

Next time: other dicks are also okay.

It’s a dick-okay world out there.

Is what I’m sayin’.

This chapter depicts gameplay from the apparently endless 9 September 2012.

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