The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 416

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates every damn day!

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In which we celebrate Valentine’s Day with the death of a marriage.

Instead of the deaths of mobsters.

That comes later.

Alvin: I think it was a success, overall.

Theresa: It certainly cleared some things UP.

Alvin: Thank you for missing my marriage.
Dagmar: Wouldn’t make it for the world!

Dagmar: Can I slap him?

You wouldn’t be the first.

Michael: Where we headed?
Theresa: I want some new, non-Alvin-themed clothes.
Michael: So, H&M? The Tailor?
Theresa: No, we’re doing a callback.


Michael: Not gonna lie; as a Fortune Sim I am not SUPER turned on by convenience store clothing.

Michael: Then again, hopefully you won’t be wearing it long.

Michael: You don’t own a cell phone?
Theresa: My good looks are obviously distracting you from the fact that I wasn’t a playable until, like, yesterday.

Theresa: Anyway Alvin has my workphone, and as much as the idea of talking shit to him while you and I fuck has its appeal, hearing his voice while you and I fuck does not.

William: The take-away from that is the fucking, obviously.
Theresa: You can take me away and fuck me any time, boss!

Theresa: Except this time. It’s Michael’s turn.
William: That’s fair. He doesn’t get many.

Michael: He doesn’t get any.
Brooke: But he’s getting some soon!

Theresa: I can’t believe he cheated on me.
Michael: While you were cheating on him.
Theresa: I know! The nerve!

Theresa: Goodnight, Mrs. Woodrow.

Theresa: It’s time to Leive again.

Michael: You didn’t want to take the bandage off, while you were changing?
Theresa: I wanted to remind myself why I was changing.

Michael: The important things didn’t change.

Theresa: Where to now?
Michael: I know a little place. Several little places, in fact.


Michael: Also I own them.

Theresa: This place has the most fantastic views!
Michael: Yes, from here I can see all the people whose money is in the orbit of my businesses. It’s quite beautiful.

Theresa: Do you ever not think about money?
Michael: No.
Theresa: Even when you’re thinking about sex?
Michael: I’m a special man. I can think about two things at once.

Theresa: That IS special.

Theresa: You gonna show me around?
Michael: I’m gonna show you a point.

Nothing brings people together like wordplay.

Theresa: I love your awards!
Michael: I love them too.

Theresa: So are we just playing at this, or are we gonna actually do it.
Michael: We’re both pissed off, and hatefucks passed up are hatefucks you never get a second swing at.

Theresa: Does the idea appeal to you beyond its capacity for vengeance satisfaction?
Michael: If you can wrap your lips around that sentence, I can’t even imagine what else you can do with them.

Theresa: This is a bookstore. It’s got imagination to spare.

Michael: They’re all books about money, actually.
Theresa: I’ll loan you my imagination, then.

I loaned that joke from Serial Adultery.

Luckily, very few people read it.

Theresa: Alright, get your dick out before he starts whining.

Theresa: There’s a gypsy outside.
Michael: Man, I love that song.
Theresa: What?
Michael: ♪ And every night all the men would come around… and lay their money down ♪ Man, I could listen to that line on loop for hours.

Michael: Speaking of things I could do for hours…

Theresa: Erection, your honour!

Thank god he was wearing the robe, I might never have thought of that joke otherwise.

And most of the judging in this story is in the past.

Michael: Good news! No more judgement.

Actually I’m judging your expressions a little.

That’s better.

Theresa: I really like that award.

Michael: Hard porn is its own reward.

Michael: Are you gonna stare at that thing the entire time?

Theresa: My orgasms are none of your concern.
Michael: That’s something a dude likes to hear!

♪ And you light my evenin’ store with burnin’ hate ♪

Michael: ♪ I’m just a fuck-a-fuck-a-burnin’ hate ♪

Theresa: We found a way to enjoy the view even more.

Theresa: Oooo-hoooo-ooo.
Michael: I call this position the Down Payment!

Michael: Wave hello to the nice stereotype.

Michael: …I think I just made a deposit.

Theresa: You might as well build up a credit rating, then.
Michael: Nice.

Theresa: Your visible penis feels great in my invisible vagina!

Theresa: If I couldn’t feel it, I wouldn’t know it was there, but MAN can I feel it!

Michael: Ohhhh boy, here comes a cash infusion.

This one’s the money shot.

Michael: YESSSSSS FINANCIAL HUMOUR ORGASM

Michael: Why am I grabbing her ribs.

Felicia: You didn’t say anything about floor sex. You must be broken.

Theresa: The roof? Again?
Michael: Baby, I’m hot outside.

Michael: Don’t DO that! You made me think a witch was behind me.

Theresa: Instead of a WIZARD behind ME!

Theresa: A financial wizard.
Michael: I just came.

Theresa: And I’m going!

Michael: I just came… again?
Theresa: Is that even-
Michael: It isn’t!

I DON’T THINK WE NEED ANY MATCHMAKING HERE, THANKS

Michael: Marriage is neat, but there’s nothing like playing the field.

Theresa: Alright, I’m full.
Michael: You’re…
Theresa: YOU HEARD ME

Michael: I had a lovely time.
Theresa: I had a ton of fucking. Which is better.

Theresa: Get that thing out of me before it freezes in there.

Michael: Call me?
Theresa: Nope.

Michael:Do-doot doot do doot do do-doot! ♪


Irvin: This weird old man followed me home.

Alvin: I’ve lost her.
William: At least you got to have her.
Irvin: Dude. Small ears are listening.

William: I can hook you up. With, you know, a hooker.
Irvin: DUDE.

Alvin: I’m a secret agent. I know how to find my own HOOKERS.
Irvin: How are you with newspapers?

Alvin: I’ve been looking for love in all the wrong careers.

Alvin: Wanna be my Science buddy?

Abigail: Sure, I need to blow off some steam and it only wastes precious time when I do it in my own chapters.

Yvette: Aw, she tolerates you! In certain strictly delimited situations.

Alvin: Why can’t you be one of those senile nannies.

Abigail: Something you need to talk about, kid?

Irvin: His name is FUCK DADDY and FUCK THERESA and FUCK THE MAID and-
Theresa: …I’ll come back later.

Alvin: Haha, lookit dem titties.

I was all ready to freak out when I saw how bad this no-ceiling shot was, until I realized I probably took it intentionally because Alvin was talking about the sky, and by then I didn’t have enough energy to make a proper caption.

So… you’re welcome.

Alvin: My wife left me.
Abigail: You were married?
Alvin: It was… uh… recent.

Abigail: I can only spare enough time for a blowjob.
Alvin: Throw in some pre-conjugal tonsil hockey and you’ve got-
Irvin: SMALL EARS

Evil Snowman: .oO(Now THAT’s just MEAN.)

Michael: I fucked your wife. YOWZA!

Michael: I’m taking out your trash. Now we’re even.

Alvin: That does NOT compute.

And the walls came down

Irvin: ♪ ALL THE WAY TO HELL ♪

Alvin: I never saw them when they were standing, anyway.

Abigail: I never saw them when they fell!

Yvette: You could just look now.

Irvin: I CAN’T

Abigail: Presumably he won’t follow us upstairs.
Alvin: It would be illogical.
Abigail: Good, kids always do the logical thing.

Alvin: How do you take this thing off?
Abigail: Exactly. I take it off.

Irvin: Do ANY ONE THING

Alvin: He shoots, HE SCORES!

Alvin: He waits.

SHEEEENK

Alvin: Ooh, retractable!

KASHUUK

Alvin: Isn’t that where the Wookiees are from?

Alvin: “Wookiee” rhymes with “nookie.”

Abigail: I don’t want to blow you if it means you’re gonna be the only one who can talk.

Alvin: I just read Faye Keefer’s article on prequantum dynaoscillation sequences. I can recite it for you verbatim.

Abigail: Thirty pages of blowjob, coming up!
Alvin: Yessss.

Alvin: And… when the inversion manifold… is ex-ci-I-I-TED…! Whew!
Abigail: She actually wrote “whew” in a published paper? Wow.

Abigail: Their standards must be even lower than mine are now.

Alvin: AND WHEN THE HYPERATOMIC RELAY SIGNATURE IS RUN PARALLEL TO THE OH MY GOD THAT THING WITH THE TIP OF YOUR TONGUE

Alvin: Someone needs to write an article on THAT.

Abigail: Tehw me mohw abowt de weway signatuhw.

Abigail: Job’s done. Back to work.

Alvin: WORDPLAY!
Abigail: We scientists hear so little of it.

Abigail: It’s been a pleasure pleasuring you.

Michael: Wow, it didn’t take long for this place to go to the dumps.
Irvin: We were in a hurry, so we brought the dumps to us.

Alvin: Go wash your mouth out.
Abigail: Don’t need to. Nanites were doing it for me in real-time.
Alvin: Where were they depositing the output?
Abigail: In your penis.

Alvin: I’m gonna take a screaming piss and I don’t want you to hear.
Yvette: I really appreciate it.

Alvin: Also I’m sick of looking at you.

Irvin: You’ll be ACTUALLY sick, soon!

PICK UP THE CAN AND THROW IT OUT

Irvin: I’m a kid! Anything with two or more steps sounds endless.

Laci: Wow. I’m gone a few days and there’s trash everywhere, the roofs are gone, and invaders at the door.
Evil Snowman: .oO(ROME HAS FALLEN)

Alvin: Hey kid!
Hey Kid: How did you know my name?

Alvin: SYMBOLIC DESTRUCTION

Hey Kid: He must be facing circumstances beyond his control, and acting out within the bounds available to him!

Hey Kid: This may afford him some measure of catharsis, but is unlikely to address the underlying issues leading to the outburst.

Hey Kid: Anyway, gotta go finish my colouring homework. See ya!

Hey Kid: Maybe see a doctor.

Hey Kid: AND PUT SOME CLOTHES ON

Hey Kid: ‘s fuckin’ freezin’ out here.

Irvin: I HOPE I CATCH COLD AND DIE

Alvin: Well well well, if it isn’t A BONER

Erik: Don’t tease.

Erik: BOO SNOW HANNIBAL, YOU HAVE FAILED

Irvin: Who’s depressed, exhausted, and signing off on behalf of their shitty family? These small ears.

Next time: downstairs -> upstairs.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 9 September 2012.

Because apparently I had that entire damn day to fuck around on the computer?

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