The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 415

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Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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In which forever is very short.

Theresa: Not ominous.

“Penny”: We are very far away.
Theresa: And yet we are talking!

“Penny”: What’s the occasion?
Theresa: Getting married.
“Penny”: Anyone good?
Theresa: I didn’t used to think so.

Penny: …where… am… I…

Not here.

Theresa: Like my new Woodrow look?
“Penny”: In the sense that it amuses me, yes.

Asia: You make me sick.
Theresa: What?
Asia: Playable, and this is what you do with it.

Stewart: Hi!
Asia: She makes me sick.
Stewart: Neat!

Asia: He makes me sick too.

Asia: I’ve looked this way for EIGHTY YEARS

Theresa: I don’t think I’ll want to look this way for THAT long.

Theresa: Maybe forty.

Opal: Oh, good, we got a new one. Already.

Brooke: Yep. My tits are bigger than yours.

Theresa: I think I’ll shop at the convenience store next time.

Abort the FUCK out of THAT.

The Intriguing Charlatan: I’ll get you, my pretty.

Alvin: And your little dog, too! That’s how the line ends. Anyway wanna come to my wedding?

Alvin: You gonna invite all your friends?
Theresa: Ha. Yes. “All” my friends.

Theresa: Hey, my one friend. Wanna come see me move in with walls down upstairs? I mean Alvin?
Alvin: I like how she worked that in there.

If I don’t mention it you’ll think I didn’t notice it.

Irvin: Dad’s gonna pound your pussy like a bullet train.
Theresa: Okay! Wow. Okay!

William: Great wow, great!

Theresa: You’re too young to be talking about sex.
Irvin: Not too young to be walking in on it, though, apparently.

William: What’re you doing here?
Michael: Being her one friend. What’s… Laci Sharpe? …doing here?
William: Being alive, apparently.

Alvin: Kissy-poos!
William: No poos of any sort!

Yeah, Lucas doesn’t live here anymore.

Lucas doesn’t live ANYWHERE anymore.

Still pleased about that.

Chris: What a sweet couple! Congrats on the wedding!

William: I’d like to think I could do better.

William: Walls down. Anyway Alvin, I’m very happy for you and Theresa. Workplace romances always turn out great! It’s a proven fact.

And now a brief update on the ongoing ecological crisis that is Alvin’s back yard.

Theresa: When we’re married we’ll be able to pool our resources.
Irvin: And buy a pool!
Theresa: Uh, no. There’s about thirty years of weeding needs doing before that can happen.

Irvin: I’ll miss you, daddy.
Alvin: Uh… I’m getting married. I’m not moving.
William: You’re not getting married if you don’t get moving!

Alvin: We’re still gonna live here. Theresa’s moving in with us.
Irvin: Okay, but by seniority rules I get the big bed, and she gets the little one.

Alvin: The big bed is my bed.
Irvin: You don’t appreciate it. You get the couch.

Clearly Theresa has a type.

Michael: I’m very happy for you and my doppelganger.
Theresa: We might need you to be a body double at some point.

Michael: I’m a body TRIPLE at LEAST

Michael: I can’t believe we showed up in the same outfit.

Irvin: Where we goin’?
Alvin: The church.
Irvin: Why?
Alvin: Because there’s no Science Centre.

Yvette: DON’T TRACK THE INSIDE OUT! THERE’S ONLY SO MUCH INSIDE!

Alvin: You’ve swooned over everyone in the wedding party but me.
Theresa: That swoon is implied.

William: Is it seriously just us?
Michael: A governor and a mayor. Quality over quantity.
Brett: Y’all need quantity over there?

Michael: Wait, why are we wearing the same outfit? Isn’t there a specific gubernatorial suit you should be wearing?
Brett: Hahaha ew, they make goober suits?!

They sure do.

Just look at these goobers.

Michael: I am presiding.

I am presiding.

Michael: Fine. I am witnessing.
William: I am witnessing.
Michael: I AM IMPORTANT

William: Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to put up with Alvin for a lifetime.
Theresa: Those tend to be short around here anyway.

William: Pretty sure it’s illegal to impersonate a judge, Mr. Mayor.

Alright, read your vows.

Alvin: What’s a “vows”?
Theresa: He promises to do whatever I want.

Alvin: Within the bounds of Science.
Theresa: I knew you’d fit that into the ceremony somewhere.

Clip those rings through your flesh and let’s call it a day.

Alvin: You want me to eat that?

I now pronounce you Scientist and Scientest.

Theresa: You mean Scientess?

No.

This is gonna be one hell of a test for you.

William: Kelsey is here for some reason!
Kelsey: The reason is continuity!

Irvin: Ivy should also be here!
Michael: I called the orphanage, but there was no answer, because they don’t have a phone, because there’s no orphanage.

Brett: The Littlest Wedding Crasher!

Uma: .oO(Imagining hot William-on-Theresa action.)

Theresa: You can’t pout AND kiss at the same time.
Alvin: He hasn’t told us we can kiss yet.
Theresa: You’re a SCIENTIST! You can’t be a slave to tradition.

You may now-

Alvin: No, she’s right, shut up.

I wish you all the happiness in the next ten-dozen pics.

Theresa: Ten-dozen?
Alvin: It’s a Scientific measure.

Kelsey: William’s almost standing up!
William: It’s a process.

Irvin: Wow! The wedding slut-shamed this slut into dressing appropriately!
Uma: But not, you’ll find, into not being a slut!

Uma: Target acquired.

Alvin: Target-
Theresa: Don’t make me get my gun.

Theresa: I can’t stop fucking farting. Hearts.

Theresa: Do we trust Alvin with sharp objects?

Alvin: It’s cutting cake. It’s not rocket science. Which I am also good at.

SKRLCH

Alvin: Forking cake, though, that’s really not my bag.

Alvin: Hahaha WOW, did you see that spurt? I mean sorry?
Theresa: No! Sorry I do not see!

William: Penetration achieved! The marriage is consummated.

Theresa: Good, it only bleeds when I smile.

Belinda the Malevolent: He did WHAT
Irvin: He’s a character.

Alvin: Your seat’s over here.
Theresa: It’s safer over here.

Theresa: These CHILDREN have FORK CONTROL.
William: You lose it with age.

Uma: They never made you turn that robe in?
Michael: I passed a law that said I don’t have to.

Belinda the Malevolent: Whoever cut this cake was eeeevil.

Alvin: Two chairs, two slices. It’s only fair.

Eilean the Mean: Where my fogies at?!

Theresa: Okay. I know it was an accident.
Alvin: We won’t know that for sure until we try to replicate it.

Kelsey: What? No way. Theresa’s way hotter.
Alvin: Theresa was grown in a vat. She’s a face template! Lyndsey’s got some hot, hot genetics going on.
Kelsey: It’s a good face template, though!
Alvin: I’m not fucking ALVIN, Grugly!

I know, I’m sorry.

Michael: Other than the stabbing, this has gone pretty well.
Kelsey: “Other than the stabbing?”
Belinda the Malevolent: Challenge accepted!

Alvin: I’m kind of offended at the amount of magic in what ought to be a Science-themed affair.

Kelsey: Watch where that hand goes, blondie.
Michael: It’s nowhere NEAR your chest.
Kelsey: I know! That’s the problem!

Alvin: That lady is green.
Theresa: Because she’s evil.
Alvin: Oh, wow, I didn’t know you were a CAVE PERSON. Clearly she’s a Plantsim.

Theresa: And then I killed him.
Belinda the Malevolent: So I got his seat!

Belinda the Malevolent: And his turkey.
Brett: *melts*

William: I think you and Theresa are going to be very happy.
Michael: Not necessarily with each other, or at the same time, but sure. Why not.

Eilean the Mean: I’ll get a sack for the food. You carry the cake.
Kelsey: YOU’RE MAGIC WHY DO I GOTTA CARRY THE CAKE

Alvin: Did I abuse my wife accidentally?
William: Not sure you can abuse someone accidentally.
Alvin: What would you call it, then?
William: I’d say you Alvined her.

Theresa: There goes a man who would never Alvin me.

Eilean the Mean: You can stick things in me, if you’d like.
William: I usually would!

Traditional wedding activities.

Alvin: Chlorophyll is an aphrodesiac!

No it isn’t.

Alvin: Oh, I’m sorry, which of your degrees is in SCIENCE?

Which of us HAS degrees?

Alvin: I have degrees of inappropriateness…

Alvin: Deborah! You came! Why.

Michael: She’s like a cloud on a sunny day.
William: Alright Al, it’s orgy time. There’s two of us and five women, so Deborah has to leave.

Theresa: I get first pick.

Michael: Did that fork go straight through to your brain?

Michael: …the cake made me FITTER?!
Alvin: Science makes it do that!

Belinda the Malevolent: Sure, it was science.

Alvin: Yeah! Like a bullet train! He really said that!

Theresa: It was nice of you to come.
Belinda the Ambivalent: SHIT

Belinda the Ambivalent: I need to do something evil, STAT. Uhhh uhhh CHEAT ON YOUR HUSBAND!
Theresa: Can we say you cast a spell? Because I’ve got a partner picked out and everything.
Belinda the Ambivalent: Influence is a kind of spell!

Deborah: Rebecca, stop trying to degrade that nice woman.
Theresa: No, Rebecca! Keep it up!

Alvin: I’m not gay! You must be thinking of the other one.

Theresa: Have you seen Alvin?
Michael: I haven’t been looking for him.

Theresa: What’s say you and me turn this wedding into wedding-themed porn.

Alvin: What do you mean, you’re “cruising?” That doesn’t make any sense.

Oh look, a second opportunity to make a coronavirus joke.

Uma: THIS IS NO TIME FOR JOKES

Uma: THIS IS A TIME FOR RETRIBUTION

Michael: For all the grief it’s about to cause you, you really should have done something more fun with that hand.

Uma: It’s NOTHING compared to the grief YOU’RE gonna get from MY hands.

Alvin: Guh buh. Cruise ships. Coronavirus. Science. Cheating. SCIENCE. CHEATING!

Alvin: MY WIFE IS A CRUSING VIRUS

Belinda the Malevolent: Crisis averted.

Belinda the Malevolent: Or, rather, transferred.

Theresa: Oh! Alvin! How long have you been there?
Alvin: THE DURATION OF OUR MARRIAGE

Alvin: I’m gonna poke you RIGHT in the fork hole!
Uma: Dammit! NOTHING I say will be as awesome as THAT!

You know it’s a family event when the daggers come out.

Theresa: I HATE THAT I LOVE YOU
Michael: CALL ME

Uma: I’m not a call girl. I’m a good time girl.
Alvin: I am in need of good times.

Uma: But I like the other you better.

Belinda the Malevolent: Did you fuck up their marriage?
Michael: In record time!

Belinda the Malevolent: Wanna fuck down your marriage?
Deborah: Her father was LUCAS, Alvin.
Alvin: I CAN’T TELL IF I’M IN LOVE OR REPULSED

Alvin: Wait, no, I can tell.

Alvin: My life is imploding. Wanna watch?
Belinda the Malevolent: I wanna participate.

William: I’m sorry it didn’t work out.
Theresa: We’re still married.
William: I’m sorry it’s not working out.

William: You could go on a trip! And get sick! And die!

Theresa: Each clause more tempting than the last.

Theresa: …ALVIN?!
Alvin: NO ALVINS HERE, ONLY ANTHONIES

Alvin: –
Theresa: I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT

Alvin: I, ANTHONY, DO NOT APPRECIATE YOUR VIOLENCE!
Michael: Have you met this Anthony guy? He seems really nice! He’s a pacifist.

William: I could tell by the way you turned the other cheek.

Alvin: What moisturizer do you use?

Theresa: MY BODY IS READY

William: Her body is ready. I’ve been waiting YEARS for this.

Theresa: I know I was always your one incorruptible agent.
William: Alvin’s incorruptible too, but 1) it’s because he’s stupid and 2) if you mean “agent who wouldn’t let me fuck them,” well, yeah. I never tried with him.

William: Alvin’s one of my best friends, though. I’m not sure I want to fuck his wife. Wives generally, fuck yeah, but still.

Deborah: I’m glad we’re still close.
Michael: You’re in my way.

Michael: And in my heart!
Deborah: Oh, Michael!
Michael: And in my way.

Deborah: Honestly I’m surprised the game hasn’t pushed us apart yet.

Deborah: It must be fate!
Michael: “How was the wedding, honey?” “Oh, you know. The bride groped me and an old flame ground my crotch.“

Theresa: I’ve spent too long in Alvin’s orbit. I’m tired of going in circles.

Alvin: NOBODY’s hero is CECILIA!
Belinda the Malevolent: She’s a popular figure in the violent murderer community!
Michael: What am I doing down here?

Theresa: Ember’s daughter got that hot Hunter S. Thompson dude. Rebecca got that scary warlock. What does Theresa get? Stabbed with a fork.

♪ Everythin’ you had is gone, as you can see… that’s what you get for lovin’ me ♪

CLICK

♪ He brought disaster wherever he went ♪

CLICK

♪ Some folks fool themselves, I guess… they’re not foolin’ me! ♪

Uma: I love your wedding mix!

Belinda the Malevolent: Turn me on, baby.

♪ And if you can’t be with the one you love ♪

♪ Love the one you’re with ♪

Alvin: Yeah, why not.

Chelsea: Y’all doing some weird tableau thing?

Theresa: I’m sick of being secondary to a one-note joke character. I’m smart. I’m talented. I’m hot, dammit.
William: So you should-
Theresa: -stop doing what other people say, yes.
William: That’s not what I-
Theresa: ♪ I ain’t gonna neeeeeeeed any more advice. ♪